Insomnia

So lately I have been having a very difficult time sleeping.  It has been about 3 or 4 weeks of constant tossing and turning.  I hit my breaking point yesterday when I was operating on 3 hour of sleep.  I was wide awake (but exhausted) and tossing and turning until 5:30 am.  And of course, i couldn't sleep past 8:30, so where did that leave me? A mess.  I had my niece's second birthday party at my house and the entire time I felt like I was totally snappy and rude, and I really hate that side of me.  Granted, I am generally always like that with my family, but i was like that with some friends who were in attendance as well.  I have about one day a week where I sleep a solid 8 hours, but I tend to wake up every couple of hours during the night.  The only reason I get "so much" sleep those nights is because my body is completely run dry and can't handle it any more.  I don't understand why all of a sudden I am up until 2 or 3 crying because I have been tossing and turning for 5 hours... and this happens almost every night.  It isn't my caffeine intake (which i have cut down with no positive results). It isn't because I have been getting too much sleep (HA). And isn't because I'm sitting around doing nothing every day.  My days off are spent relaxing because I am so tired from no sleep, waking up early, having kids and orthodontist appointments, and going home to not sleep and starting the process over again.  I'm not sure if I am just stressed from my home environment, nervous for the internship, moving out, or what.  I  mean, what could it be?  I drink decaf coffee after 2pm. I have tried sleeping pills, NO success, and I am beyond exhausted when it is time to sleep.  I have no idea what to do any more but I am starting to run dry.  If anyone has ANY suggestions, PLEASE feel free to suggest! I have a very specific way I go to sleep and I have been on that schedule for a long time.  I tried switching it up and keeping it the same with practically the same result. With the Internship starting in 15 days I need to figure out something fast.

Sacrifices

As the countdown to the internship gets shorter and shorter, I'm realizing the things in my life that are going to change... The sacrifices I am going to be making.  I'm so thrilled and sad at the same time.  I have a whole new life beginning in just a few weeks and it is hard to picture the change.  I'm moving into a host home, starting a new job (well more like starting to work towards my career), leaving the kids behind, and moving away from my niece.  This sounds totally dramatic, I'm sure.  I'm not really known to react well, but change is hard for me.  I think that is something I will be working on during the internship.  I've never left home before, though everyone has technically left me.  I've basically been living alone for 2 months.  But it is a very different feeling knowing I am leaving the place where I grew up for the last 20 years (even if it doesn't contain the best memories). I think I am just a little afraid of how it will go.  I am confident it will be perfectly fine, but I have this tendency to freak out about something until it gets going.  I am starting a whole different career path as well.  Now there is a scary thought.  I am absolutely certain that this is where I am called to be, but I am absolutely terrified out of my mind.  I think it is because this is the first time that I am completely choosing to operate by Faith.  I have never felt called to a specific purpose in my life and I know this is right, I am just afraid.  I think the theme of this change is fear.  Fear of the unknown. I mean, I KNOW i will be okay, I TRUST that it will be amazing and life changing, and I have FAITH that this is what I am supposed to do.  So is it wrong to be afraid?

Also, I know I won't be completely done watching kids, and I know I will see them more often than I think I will, but it's weird.  I don't want to lose those moments with my favorite little people.  The moment when I walk in the door and I hear "Teresa!!" or when I leave they start crying or want to do our special handshake.  The moments when they tell me a story about this amazing day they had a few weeks ago and I realize it is a day we spent together.  I don't want the babies, in 2 or 3 years, to forget that I spent an entire year or more with to forget all the fun times we had.   I have memories with these kids that I don't want to forget.  I got to have the baby brothers and sisters that I wanted growing up. (yes, I have a younger sister but she is only a year and a half younger)  It's those moments with these kids that I don't want to give up.

Katelyn and Dylan are who I hang out 

with the most (18ish hours a week)

They don't do well taking pictures WITH

me... so I just take pictures of them

And then I have these two crazies who I adore 

like my sisters.

They pose with me a little TOO well :)

Every moment I spend with these 4 kids is precious to me.  Not to forget the 20 other kids hat I sporadically have on my schedule and get excited to spend time with.  Even on the days where they make me want to pull my hair out make them go to bed.  I love them so much. 

The one other thing i struggle with is not being able to live with my niece.  Yes, exhausting, but that angel is one of the only little girls in this world that makes me believe in miracles.  She is the cutest, sweetest, and silliest little girl I know.  She is going to be 2 years old in 2 weeks and I am not ready for that.  Right now, I see her maybe two times a week (and I'm supposed to live with her!).  I can see her as much as I can during my free time when I start the internship, but I am afraid that I am going to miss her growing up.  That she won't want to play the "kissy game" or take silly pictures with me.  I won't be able to cuddle with her and watch Toy Story when ever I want.  Or hear her in the morning running down the hallway screaming "auntie" and bursting through my bedroom door to climb into bed with me.  It is a hard thing to face, feeling like I am going to miss out on so much...

I think that if I were to start this internship with nothing to lose, it wouldn't have as much of an impact on me.  I think that by having these sacrifices, I am more determined to pursue this path.  I don't want to pretend that I won't miss my kids, my niece, and even home sometimes, because I think it is better for me to miss them than to not.  It gives me more purpose to finish what I'm starting. I am sacrificing a lot (emotionally, for me) to be in this program. But I am thanking God every day for this new life experience that I will never regret participating in or look back and regret leaving this time behind.  I know that this has all prepared me for this crazy journey that is just a few weeks away from beginning.

I wish I could change my name.

I figure whoever is reading this is wondering why... It isn't because I don't like my name (i got over that years ago) and it isn't because of who or how i was named. Actually it kind of doesn't have anything to do with my name in itself.  It is how it is used.  Lately I have been feeling... labeled? And for the most part I don't mind, but it has been effecting my personal life lately. a lot.  The label? The Babysitter.  I LOVE my kids and I would never give them up (except for the internship) but I feel like that is how people are interpreting who I am.  I'm good with kids. I get it. I am called to children's ministries. That I definitely get.   But that does NOT make me only the babysitter. It is my job... and I love to do it.  I hardly say no.  But when I stop getting invites to go out, or people ask me to watch their kids when I should be going where they are going, I get offended.  I don't know why, and maybe it's my fault, but I am more than just a babysitter.  I am Teresa, a living breathing, SOCIAL, twenty year old young woman.  I feel like I am being shafted.  And yeah, and events where there are kids around, I tend to entertain them, but at times I really need that social interaction with people... and lately I feel pushed to the side.  I feel like I am there to babysit. Which yeah, that's my job, I love it, but that does not make me who I am.  I don't know if I am making sense...

I would watch anyone's kids if they asked and i wasn't watching someone else's.  I would gladly say yes most of the time.  But when it is for an event that I want to go to, or an event that I should have been invited to but wasn't because people brought up my name as the babysitter instead of a guest, I feel very hurt.  I have been feeling very lonely lately because all I seem to be doing is working.  Again, I repeat I do not mind.  but the reason all I am doing is watching kids is because I am not invited any where.  Everyone seems to be pushing me away, and when I am somewhere I feel ignored.  i know it is stupid, but coming from a family completely opposite of the life i am living, means I go everywhere alone.  No parent, husband, sibling, or friend.  If i bring a friend, it is usually Amanda. I still feel ignored, not by Amanda, but by others.  I feel annoying to people lately, and I think it is from my overly energetic personality.  Lately, however, that has been coming out more often because I spend all day with kids aged 1-6.  I just feel like I am not part of a group. I don't have a friend circle where I would be invited out with the girls. Or feel comfortable with them to go out with them. Or can talk to a circle of friends without being pushed out of the circle. I feel like I am not making any connections with people because I am not invited anywhere and I feel like I am not invited anywhere because I am the babysitter.  Maybe I don't have the right to say what I am saying because maybe who I feel like is my group of friends really isn't... maybe I am the babysitter.  Maybe I am just having a hard time not having a lot of friends my age.  There really aren't that many people around my church who are my age.  But I still feel like I am trying way too hard to go for something that i am never going to get.... because of my label. for the third time, I am going to say I love watching my kids... but I would love if my scheduled consisted of dinner or a movie. or my friday night was a night out with the girls... and not at home or watching kids.  Sometimes I just want to spend a night out and laugh.... you know?  I feel bad for feeling this way because then it looks like I don't like what i do, but I really do. I even ask to watch people's kids when I already have had a crazy week, but usually it is because I want to spend more time with the kids i don't get to see as often.  I just wish that my job wasn't who I am to everyone.  That when people introduce me it isn't "This is Teresa, my babysitter."  That maybe it could be "This is Teresa, my friend." Or "this is Teresa, a friend of mine. Who also happens to watch my kids somtimes."  Or something that doesn't make me feel less important.  Not saying that watching kids is not important, it is to me, but I feel like it isn't important in explaining who I am.  I don't know, this might be coming out wrong and I have probably offended some of the parent to the kids I watch, and I hope that isn't the case, because I love them so much.  I just wish that maybe I had more to my name.  Friend.  Friend that loves kids.  Called to Children's ministries.  I don't know.  I feel like every time my name comes up, babysitter is attached. And really, maybe I don't mind thinking of my kids when I hear that.  But I wish I had MORE to my name than my job.  I don't know. I keep saying that and repeating myself.  But I just want people to call me to hang out with me a little more.  Not just random texts or phone calls if I can babysit, but also texts and phone calls about wanting to hang out... or asking how I am doing... I need people too.

This has no relation to any incidents lately or specific people... It is just a feeling I have had the last few months that I needed to get out and i had no one to explain it to...