Conviction

Alright, I've been convicted.  Seriously, this week has been very difficult.  Confrontations.  Dreams that are prophesying about me (truth that I don't know how to interpret).  Stress from my project for this weekend.  My Mom. And now major convictions.

Doubt.
Fear.
Faithless.
Pride.

I am selfish.  God tells me, but in love.  I have this anxiety on my heart because I don't know what to do.  I ask Him what to do, then I get angry.  Because then I sit in silence for days to listen.
Nothing.
I hear nothing.

Why?  Because it's about me.  What am I going to do?  I don't like this.  I want this.  I need that.  Why are you doing this to me? So yeah, there's silence.  I know He's waiting.  But I'm not sure how to let go.  How to give this summer away. 
I'm not going to Seattle.
Zack isn't coming home.
I don't have a job.
Or money.
Or a home.
I literally have nothing.
Except God.
And sometimes I forget that.
Always I forget that.
And now I'm convicted.
But I don't know how to fix it.
Please don't leave me alone. 
Please, talk to me.
HELP ME.

Selfless

When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.

Proverbs 11:2

Today in devos we talked about humility and selflessness.  We talked about by doing things of ourselves, we are prideful, and somehow in the world pride has been seen as okay.  We need to be selfless people, doing things for the Glory of God, not ourselves.  As we were talking about this, I began thinking about one of my closest friends, Tia Lynn.  Follow the link to her blog (I laught out loud, I cry, I'm moved).  I am amazed at the work she is doing.  Currently, Tia is in Bulembu, Africa.... a village inside Swaziland. She works at a clinic, treating and testing patients for HIV and TB.  I am dreadfully terrified of an accidental needle stick, danger of sickness, and danger in a new country.  But here she is, testing people, joyful, and trusting in God to keep her safe.  That's faith and a selfless quality that i'd like to obtain.  She is smart and so optimistic in this country that has such dreadful statistics when it comes to healthy living.  Reading her blog I find nothing but joy, and that gives me hope.  She isn't concerned for herself, but for the kids.  She isn't concerned about her own needs, but instead she takes time out of her schedule to be with someone or offer to be with them while they are sick at the hospital.  All this time, every post on her blog, she gives God all the glory... even amidst death and tragic sickness.  Every post has a Bible verse, every part where she mentions a worry, she instantly says "But I know God will help" or something to that effect.  Her selflessness moves me, motivates me, makes me question my "selfless" work,  Where else can I help? Who can I help?  Am I willing to suffer for the good of those around me?  She has passion.  She suffers for what's right, she puts other people before her; most importantly she puts God first.  She is someone to see as an example, and we've been friends for years.  It's funny, when you spend every day with them, or a lot of time with friends, you start to talk like them, act like them.  So I'm challenging myself with this, while Tia is in Africa (and after), how can I be selfless like her? How can I be selfless like Jesus?

Then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

Philippians 2:2-4

I Need Something

I need You.

So, I'm toast.   Burnt out.  In need of sleep (which I haven't gotten much of since I was sick), and in need of some major R&R.  I've worked non stop over the past 2-3 weeks.  Ministry life.  But I can't remember the last time I felt this over done.  The one comfort I have though?  Amidst all of this, I have grown.  I see that.  Minus the need to cry all the time... mainly from stress and exhaustion.  The women's conference was today, bit too long ago actually.  And I'm still at the church, just about to go work during Saturday night service.  Next weekend is my Intern Project (missions weekend for the kids, shoe collecting, money collecting), with Easter the following weekend, with my last department switch (back to Next Gen, in time for the holiday) of my first ELN year.  Crazy... a year already?  Seriously.  I can't believe how time flew, but I also hope summer comes fast.  Not that I have much to look forward to, but I seriously need a break.  Again, with all the crazy, I may be struggling to find joy, but I'm growing.  Good I guess?

You'll come

"Chains be broken, eyes be healed, eyes be open, Christ is here."

You'll Come, Hillsong United

After a long conversation with Josh this morning, I'm comforted. My eyes are open. I've talked to two or thee people about this internship and I've not felt comforted by it. Maybe I'm stubborn. But in talking with Josh, (we were discussing a completely unrelated topic about a mutual friend) he made a lot of good points. I see now how maybe it could be okay. Alright, I know it will be okay, but sometimes I just need to cry about it, get it out. I'm such a girl. Anyway, we were talking about attitudes, positive and negative and what deserves attention, what doesn't. Clearly the negative one doesn't, and really, some thrive on the negative attention. I used to. But sometimes being over dramatic (which, yes, I can admit that sometimes I am... No comments please ;) ) is the same thing. So I've cried and complained and been over dramatic about something that I will have to get over.  Crying only goes so far before you have to shut up and listen to God and stop complaining and pushing people away.  Sometimes I just struggle to understand things like this.  I'm slightly bipolar as well.  I'll be super happy one moment and then bam I'm crying about this again.  I need to stop.  Seek comfort, Seek God. 

I read this verse this morning in my devos:

The LORD hears good people when they cry out to him, and he saves them from their troubles.

Psalm 34:17

Now I just need to stop doubting and cry out... to Him.

"I guess we're all just one phone call from our knees."

Alright... I'm on my knees. That stupid phone call that changed my life, my plans, my summer.  Now I'm stuck with finding a grunge job, moving somewhere again (with no idea where). So I'm crying again.  All the time. And I hate it.  I hate that I have to be stressed, and clueless, and have no where to go.  I have that bleak summer of absolutely mindless work. Not living with my family who doesn't want me back anyway.  My room has already been redone. I have no money for Mexico, or my passport.  The money in my wallet is all I have and it isn't expanding.  On top of that, God asked me to double my tithe last weekend.  Oh yeah, God.  Where is He in this? I have no idea.  Sure.  He's there.  I know that well enough now, but where is He? Because I can't find Him.  He's supposed to provide, isn't He? As I stumble in the dark abyss of blind walking, I can't find anything worth anything right now.  Just as I begin to figure out who I am and what I want, I get the rug pulled out from under me... again.  I had options, a whole summer of adventures... in Seattle.  But do I get that now? No.  I don't mean to sound like a spoiled child... but why is it that I can never get what I want? I mean, I want to work my entire summer for God in this amazing new place, a whole new experience.  I wanted it so bad! And did I get it? No... someone else did.  Because I'm not worth it? Because I wasn't good enough?  I don't have a giant resume.  If that's the reason then it's ridiculous. How am I supposed to gain experience if they won't let me try?  I am just so sick of not being good enough for anyone or anything.  I'm sick of rejection and I am tired of not knowing where the hell my life is going.  Right now?  I'm alone.  I'm on my knees, but I'm alone.

Now What

I got that phone call today.  The one that I've been praying for.  Seattle. No Seattle.  Like I said, I got the phone call.  The one I dreaded.  Rejection. And now I face the music... what the heck am I supposed to do with this... Rejection. Heartbroken. Lost and so confused.  Why? I have absolutely no idea what to do.

Not of the World

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Romans 12:2

Me (as God wants me)                        Who the world expects me to be

My entire life I've conformed to the world's expectations.  I knew no different. I became the girl on the right in so many ways.  Dressed in expensive clothes. Pulled a veil over my face. Pretended like everything was okay.  Dressed a little risque and showed the world just how skinny I could be. I hid my imperfect teeth.  I had to have perfect hair.  My life was flawless. No emotion.  I was an empty shell of a teenage girl, wishing I was someone else.  It took me three months to turn in to the girl on the right and it has taken me five years to turn back to the girl on the left... the world destroying my perspective of truth and beauty.  The verse that began this transformation? Romans 12:2 Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. The rest of the verse came later as I grew, but this changed my life.  I remember the moment I heard it, from whom I heard it, where I was standing, and I have it underlined and highlighted in my Bible from the day I heard it.  I reference this verse more times than I can count.  I still struggle sometimes with the world's expectations.  I still battle with myself about loving myself and my body.  But in the end, I know what is most important.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Psalm 139:14

The world has ingrained into my brain that I am imperfect. We are all imperfect in our own way, as humans. In Christ however, I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  My teeth don't need to be perfect, my hair is beautiful as it is.  My face? God's creation.  My heart?  The Holy Spirit resides. Nothing can stop Christ from loving me, NOTHING. Not evil, not the world, not myself, nothing. So I say this... do not conform to the world's expectations.  Do not let them take over your mind, corroding it with all this crap and lies.  Christ is truth. Christ is love. Nothing else matters.  Don't be the girl on the right. Be the girl on the left.  Be Yourself.

All I want

For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. Ephesians 2:10

We talked about being God's masterpieces this morning in our Devo's. In that topic we discussed the gifts we've been given and which ones we use to the best we can, as well as those we need to grow in. For me, I see a weakness in my gifts, that maybe I don't have any. Sure. I can talk. I can give advice. Pretty much it. I guess that's a gift. But I am in constant need of "chiseling" to become God's masterpiece. The last question we were asked brought me to tears... And as I type this I am trying not to cry. Who are some people you can lead to Christ with your gifts? My heart had been aching after my family. How can I bring them toward God when they don't want me? I have hit a barrier since moving out. Right now I'm not constantly getting yelled at or shunned for my faith, but instead I'm rejected. I don't get phone calls or hugs. Instead, silence. There is no happiness when I show up at my Dad's. Instead I fear the trip... What rejection will I receive today? Though I don't live there now, it hurts so much more. Rejection. When all I want is for them to know God. I break every time I realize how badly I have failed at showing Him. I'm supposed to be this light and all they see is darkness. How am I supposed to lead them to God when they refuse to talk to me? How am I supposed to lead them toward Christ when I have led them so far astray? I just don't know how I'm supposed to do this... With God all things are possible but I have been trying so desperately for FIVE years for them to understand. And now I have led them do far away that they want no association with me and I can't even say "Jesus" in the house. It hurts. My heart hurts.

My Girls

I'm exhausted.  That's pretty much all I wanted to say, but I guess that needs explanation...
After being knocked out for a week with sickness and then piling on my load this week, I feel like I'm going to get sick again.  I worked 13 hours nonstop yesterday, either driving or as an intern, or as a babysitter.... or as all three.  It was a difficult few days... Yesterday alone I drove for a total of 3.5 hours, 3 hours was with a 7 year old and a 5 year old.  Any point that we got in the car, one of them was either yelling or having a meltdown.  They're kids, so I have a little grace.  The last hour driving was a struggle, but I survived.  I had my girls, and that's what was important to me.  They missed Mommy, and were terrified to see a crying baby or mommy in the hospital, and I had to be the mean one that kept them away.  It broke my heart, but it was also rewarding.  I got the bed time cuddles, prayers, and "i love you" mumbled as they fell asleep.  And after all the work these last two days, that made it all worth it.  I always tell them they are my number two favorite people in the world (my niece being number one, and not being able to pick between the two for 2nd and 3rd).  I always say it isn't fair to pick favorites, but with them, it's allowed.  They're like my little sisters, and as they grow up, I'll be there for whatever they need.  I love special days and can take the fits.  I know what they like and how to calm them down.  It's work when weeks like this happen, but I know because of this, we're closer.  I'd do anything for them, and now we've got another beautiful girl to add to the crazy bunch.  I picture the day when Emilynn is older and big enough to ride in the front seat, and Brooklynn and Summerlynn (yeah working on a nickname for this beauty... though it seems to go with the pattern I've accumulated) are in the back seat, singing along to Taylor Swift and heading to Ultimate Yogurt or maybe an after church lunch date.  For now, I'll stay in the present, with "Tuh Tuh" and praying that this nickname never fades. Adore Emilynn and I's special handshake, love Brooklynn's and I's special relationship, and watching the Summerlynn grow.  I'll pray for patience and growth and guidance for these girls who I love like my sisters and consider to be.  I'll enjoy these hard weeks and love when we have special days and eye rolls and silly pretend arguments... Sleeping in the backseat of my car or giggling hysterically for absolutely no reason.  I'll remember the trust I've been given with them and cherish every moment I get with them.  They're my girls and I love them, no matter what.

Sickness

So... I have been basically... for lack of a better word, dying this last week. I spent all last Monday (except for a run... I think) in bed... literally.  I spent Tuesday night (after a run in the pouring rain [yes, I was pretty much asking for this sickness]) after work in bed, left work at 1 on Wednesday and slept from 5pm to 9:45 the next morning.  I spent my entire Thursday in bed except for class.  Worked 2 hours Friday, spent the rest of the afternoon in bed, went out with my small group for 5 hours. Saturday I felt better. I was able to talk which was a very limited possibility all week. My voice was fading but I wasn't stuffed up and my killer sore throat disappeared.  I felt great Saturday until about 7pm where my body quit functioning. I bailed on all activity after service and crashed at 10. After both services on Sunday I laid in the sun and on Heidi's couch until class. I stayed up until midnight to watch all of Army Wives (totally worth it) and woke up okay this morning. I feel pretty much healed except my energy... I still can't work out and it's been a week!! And my cough... though I'm told this one will last about 2 weeks. I get bogged down at night and it takes me half an hour in the morning to feel normal but my body has fought through most of it :)  it has been a hellish week with this cold or whatever it was, and I really hope I don't get sick again. This is the worst cold I've had in a long time or that I can recall. I am just so glad I'm better JUST in time to have my two favorite girls while their sister is coming into the world :)