Well I'm exhausted. So far I've spent 26 hours of the last 3.5 days in training sessions. Some basic Foursquare knowledge, other, application.
Amidst the crazy struggle to stay awake has come everlasting friendships. Alynena (pronounced Alina) and I am getting along great. She's 28 and the closest one to my age. Mauricio is 29 and has the most powerful story and calling to Nicaragua I have ever heard. I'll recommend his book to you once I find out what it is called. You HAVE to read it. I met Steve Cecil, finally. We have fun telling people that we are going to Russia, and yet we just met on Monday night. He's already stretched me, taking me on crazy adventures in the City that I was not expecting to go on. I meet Kim tomorrow, and Johnell is really excited to see how much energy we create (apparently she's nuts too).
God has been so good, even amidst the tragedy. I'm struggling so much right now, finding out last night that my Grandfather passed away. No family here. No friends. I don't know where I would be without the Loops and Steve. They hugged me, let me cry, brought me Starbucks, and gave me comfort through the Holy Spirit. I still feel pretty abandoned and alone, but I know God will take care of me. My Dad is rushing home from the Philippines and I'm in prayer about whether or not I need to leave. His memorial is on Wednesday next week and I cannot imagine missing it... But I don't know what God wants yet. I'm just so glad I saw him last week.
Even amidst the tragedy God knows just what to do. I've spent the last 10 hours of session with the Holy Spirit and some amazing missionaries. I lead someone in the baptism of the Holy Spirit, where she then received her prayer language. A first time experience for me. I took part in a healing, another first, and was told I have power when I pray. She was healed. I was prayed for, but it seems healing like this isn't what God has planned yet. I'm waiting. In pain and hungry, but I know he knows better. I shared my testimony for only the second time and spoke into someone's life about patience in pain. I'm suffering emotionally and physically, pretty terribly right now, but I've done enough crying today. I'm ready for some joy.
I had my intake interview where I explained my short comings and how I over came them. I explained my heart. I loved. I had to talk in detail about my severe eating disorder for the first time in 3 years. Honesty was my only intent. I have overcome and I am no longer ashamed. I struggle but refuse to give in.
Courage. Bravery. Words that were used to describe me. I can't take credit. God can. But I can't. They're happy with my results. So I trek on in the FMI process.
That's the last three and a half days. 8 to go. Please be praying for strength. We're all exhausted.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Thursday, April 18, 2013
My God
Today in devotions we are talking about all that God is to us. Listing, story telling, explaining exactly who He is.
God has always been my provider. Making the impossible happen, making me believe in the little things. Giving me not only what I need but managing to give me what I want. He has shown me right from wrong, pulled me away from the wrong path and lead me down the right one. He has taught me what it means to forgive, to have grace, to receive grace.
He is my Rock. My salvation. Without whom I cannot stand. He has pulled me from the depths of what seems like hell and taken me back to a place where I am no longer afraid.
He is my Father. He was there when my earthly father wasn't, and remains now even when my father has returned.
He takes care of me. I may be sick, but He knows just how to make me okay. He knows how to comfort me in my loneliness and care for me when I want no one else.
He is my Commander. As they say in the Army, He leads his platoon. He whips me into shape when I start to get lazy. Pushes me farther when I want to give up. However, instead of yelling at me when I do wrong, He gently whispers in my ear, "I forgive you," and encourages me on.
He is my everything. My laughing buddy, my shoulder to cry on, my secret keeper. My Best Friend.
He is my teacher. When I make mistakes, He teaches me how to move on. He brings me back to focus when I lose my concentration, which, let me tell you happens quite often.
He is my water, soil, and light. Like a plant, without these I will not grow. My roots are deep in the soil of His word, begging to be replenished and poured into. I'm dropping seeds everywhere and finally I see God pushing them into the soil. They're ready to grow.
He is the sun, warming my soul, warming my heart. He fills me with joy, takes away the cold, bringing light into my life. He takes the rain and cold and turns it to an unexplainable rainbow of color.
He is my joy. My hope. All I am.
Most importantly God has taught me how to love. Love myself, love my God, love others. Without love, I would not exist. I would have given up a long time ago. He has given me a calling to love. A calling to bring love to the world. A calling to bring people to love itself, Him.
God you are more. I am less. Take hold of my life and lead me where You want me to go. I give you all.
God has always been my provider. Making the impossible happen, making me believe in the little things. Giving me not only what I need but managing to give me what I want. He has shown me right from wrong, pulled me away from the wrong path and lead me down the right one. He has taught me what it means to forgive, to have grace, to receive grace.
He is my Rock. My salvation. Without whom I cannot stand. He has pulled me from the depths of what seems like hell and taken me back to a place where I am no longer afraid.
He is my Father. He was there when my earthly father wasn't, and remains now even when my father has returned.
He takes care of me. I may be sick, but He knows just how to make me okay. He knows how to comfort me in my loneliness and care for me when I want no one else.
He is my Commander. As they say in the Army, He leads his platoon. He whips me into shape when I start to get lazy. Pushes me farther when I want to give up. However, instead of yelling at me when I do wrong, He gently whispers in my ear, "I forgive you," and encourages me on.
He is my everything. My laughing buddy, my shoulder to cry on, my secret keeper. My Best Friend.
He is my teacher. When I make mistakes, He teaches me how to move on. He brings me back to focus when I lose my concentration, which, let me tell you happens quite often.
He is my water, soil, and light. Like a plant, without these I will not grow. My roots are deep in the soil of His word, begging to be replenished and poured into. I'm dropping seeds everywhere and finally I see God pushing them into the soil. They're ready to grow.
He is the sun, warming my soul, warming my heart. He fills me with joy, takes away the cold, bringing light into my life. He takes the rain and cold and turns it to an unexplainable rainbow of color.
He is my joy. My hope. All I am.
Most importantly God has taught me how to love. Love myself, love my God, love others. Without love, I would not exist. I would have given up a long time ago. He has given me a calling to love. A calling to bring love to the world. A calling to bring people to love itself, Him.
God you are more. I am less. Take hold of my life and lead me where You want me to go. I give you all.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Stuck
Having one of those days where you just want to disappear
Experiencing life at a pace beyond all your control
Waking up and wishing you hadn't
Spending hours just staring anywhere but where you need to
Lost in translation.
A life spent dwelling on the past
Wondering where you went wrong
Questioning all the choices you've made
Asking for answers
Never getting a response
Always wondering how to get through the day
A never ending pit of pain in your gut
Regret
Sorrow
Pain
You can't help but wonder where your God is
Right there next to you, But you can't tell
Because it always seems something is going wrong
So you sit in silence, alone
Or so it seems
You have no idea what to do any more
Are you making the right choices?
Have you gone the wrong way?
You can't help but question things
Question everything
Sick all the time
Hurting constantly
No answers
No help
No joy
Without answers comes nothing
Where is my life going?
What road will I be forced to take?
What happened to Your plan?
I'm stuck
Experiencing life at a pace beyond all your control
Waking up and wishing you hadn't
Spending hours just staring anywhere but where you need to
Lost in translation.
A life spent dwelling on the past
Wondering where you went wrong
Questioning all the choices you've made
Asking for answers
Never getting a response
Always wondering how to get through the day
A never ending pit of pain in your gut
Regret
Sorrow
Pain
You can't help but wonder where your God is
Right there next to you, But you can't tell
Because it always seems something is going wrong
So you sit in silence, alone
Or so it seems
You have no idea what to do any more
Are you making the right choices?
Have you gone the wrong way?
You can't help but question things
Question everything
Sick all the time
Hurting constantly
No answers
No help
No joy
Without answers comes nothing
Where is my life going?
What road will I be forced to take?
What happened to Your plan?
I'm stuck
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Health Update
Life has been pretty.... difficult lately to say the least.
I'm still very sick all the time, taking medication that makes me sleep 13 hours (and if I don't sleep 13 hours I'm sick the next day). I'm impatiently waiting for answers... I can't get into the doctor I need to get into (in Eureka) until the end of June. Now I have a doctor in San Francisco... he has an appointment for me in two weeks. Six days before Missions Training in LA. He doesn't take my insurance and every time I call to get a cost estimate they've gone home for the day (2:30 today!). My Dad leaves for the Philippines on Monday and I need answers before he leaves... Does anyone want to take a trip with me? It's Tuesday and Wednesday in San Fran on the 16th and 17th... I'm very afraid to go alone, especially if I get bad news... or any news for that matter. I haven't even cleared it with Rachel but she is the one who suggested I go out of town anyway so I'm hoping it's okay....
Missions training is in less than three weeks. I'm excited and in debt. By the time I go, I'll still be $500 or so short of what I need, so I am going to be taking it out of my ever-shrinking college fund. I stayed low on the fundraising for training because I really just need help with funding for Russia... So unless some of you know anyone willing to donate to training, I'm out of luck.
I feel very short changed lately. I've had a great few days with my family so that's helped... But I am under a tremendous amount of stress in trying to navigate missions alone and trying to get healthy. I'm so overwhelmed with this sickness, and I've had to force myself to get through every single day for the last 3 months.... Everyone seems to just be telling me to suck it up and deal with it, if they even say anything at all... when all I want is for someone to hold me and tell me I'll be okay. It's so scary not knowing what is wrong with me and I've never gotten to talk to anyone about it. No one wants to hear about it. Three solid months of suffering and people have stopped asking how I'm doing. I feel so alone.
I'm currently navigating the work of missions alone. I get emails of the next step in paperwork and then off i go. I have one step left of filling out my budget and I'm off and running. I have Kim who I ask questions and pester all the time and she helps so I'm not too stressed about it. But then I think about the fact that I need to be in Russia in 5 months and I start to freak out. My Russians lessons are on hold right now because of my health and I can't start fundraising until after training. I'll have 4 months to fundraise about $10,000.... Obviously I'm completely dependent on God for this. There is no way I can do it alone.
However, I do not have medical clearance any longer to go to Russia. Yep. That's right. I can't go until they diagnose me. Another stress. This illness is destroying my life. I don't know what to do any more. Seriously. I live off cereal with lactose free milk, oatmeal, and bagels. Everything else seems to make me sick. I'm so beyond frustrated and discouraged with my health issues... I give up trying.... seriously. I can't do this any more and I'm losing the battle with it. I'd rather just lay in bed all day... that's the only thing that doesn't hurt or make me sick. I'm nearly twenty two years old and I have the loneliest and least active life of anyone I know. Internship, class, bed. I'm so done.
I'm still very sick all the time, taking medication that makes me sleep 13 hours (and if I don't sleep 13 hours I'm sick the next day). I'm impatiently waiting for answers... I can't get into the doctor I need to get into (in Eureka) until the end of June. Now I have a doctor in San Francisco... he has an appointment for me in two weeks. Six days before Missions Training in LA. He doesn't take my insurance and every time I call to get a cost estimate they've gone home for the day (2:30 today!). My Dad leaves for the Philippines on Monday and I need answers before he leaves... Does anyone want to take a trip with me? It's Tuesday and Wednesday in San Fran on the 16th and 17th... I'm very afraid to go alone, especially if I get bad news... or any news for that matter. I haven't even cleared it with Rachel but she is the one who suggested I go out of town anyway so I'm hoping it's okay....
Missions training is in less than three weeks. I'm excited and in debt. By the time I go, I'll still be $500 or so short of what I need, so I am going to be taking it out of my ever-shrinking college fund. I stayed low on the fundraising for training because I really just need help with funding for Russia... So unless some of you know anyone willing to donate to training, I'm out of luck.
I feel very short changed lately. I've had a great few days with my family so that's helped... But I am under a tremendous amount of stress in trying to navigate missions alone and trying to get healthy. I'm so overwhelmed with this sickness, and I've had to force myself to get through every single day for the last 3 months.... Everyone seems to just be telling me to suck it up and deal with it, if they even say anything at all... when all I want is for someone to hold me and tell me I'll be okay. It's so scary not knowing what is wrong with me and I've never gotten to talk to anyone about it. No one wants to hear about it. Three solid months of suffering and people have stopped asking how I'm doing. I feel so alone.
I'm currently navigating the work of missions alone. I get emails of the next step in paperwork and then off i go. I have one step left of filling out my budget and I'm off and running. I have Kim who I ask questions and pester all the time and she helps so I'm not too stressed about it. But then I think about the fact that I need to be in Russia in 5 months and I start to freak out. My Russians lessons are on hold right now because of my health and I can't start fundraising until after training. I'll have 4 months to fundraise about $10,000.... Obviously I'm completely dependent on God for this. There is no way I can do it alone.
However, I do not have medical clearance any longer to go to Russia. Yep. That's right. I can't go until they diagnose me. Another stress. This illness is destroying my life. I don't know what to do any more. Seriously. I live off cereal with lactose free milk, oatmeal, and bagels. Everything else seems to make me sick. I'm so beyond frustrated and discouraged with my health issues... I give up trying.... seriously. I can't do this any more and I'm losing the battle with it. I'd rather just lay in bed all day... that's the only thing that doesn't hurt or make me sick. I'm nearly twenty two years old and I have the loneliest and least active life of anyone I know. Internship, class, bed. I'm so done.
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