Reap What You Sow

I am in a dark place in life. Those around me know my struggle, those intimately around me know the worst of it.  I’m not proud of who I am right now.  I struggle daily with anxiety and an eating disorder, but it isn’t who I used to be.  I used to mentor young girls, care for babies, love everyone around me, and enjoy a night out every once in a while.  I played sports, I attended school, and I still found time to go to church and spend time with family.  I was reaping a good harvest.  Now, in this time of “harvest” I am grasping at broken straws.  I have few babies, few friends, and I have a hard time loving because I have a hard time being around others.  My goal in this time is to help myself, but I need others to help me too.  When doctors refuse to call or help me, I find myself in a more hopeless situation.  However, when I look at the relationships I have right now, I realize that they came from a healthy harvest time.  I’ve build intimate relationships with a handful of women, at a time of joy and laughter, and now, at a time of tears and sorrow, they are still my people.  Their kids still love me, while I have tainted my trusted reputation, they let me stick around and love in any way I can.  Whether it’s draw pictures, eat a meal with their family, laugh and dance, watch project runway, practice handwriting or math with the homeschoolers, snuggle and hold their babies, or just feel like I am okay enough to be in their homes. While I am not whole, they are helping me by being present, while also allowing me to be present in my broken state.  Some days the kids go to bed and I fall apart, some days I laugh more than I frown.  Some days I stay up way later than I plan, and other days I leave early to try and get some sleep.  This is a dry time in my life.  I can not produce fruit in my life.  But what I have in my life are rain makers and farmers who reap for me or with me.  So I am not reaping a harvest of dead fruits or broken flowers, but I am growing flowers that require a little more attention, but are not a lost cause.

I am not a lost cause.  I am going to successfully reap again.  But for now, my rain and my farmers will stand beside me, leading me to Christ daily, loving me, allowing me to love their babies, eat their food, and sit on their couches in silence.  And that’s enough for now.

Save Myself

My life is nothing short of a mess right now.  People are generally aware of this fact, but what hasn’t been brought to light are the behind the scenes struggles I have been facing.  I’m not here writing this because I want the world to know; I am here because I need an outlet to get the sludge out of my mind and because I am sick of answering, “How are you” from everyone.  So here goes.

I am not okay. It is of my own doing, yes.  But it’s not like I want to be dealing with my life this way.  In the last two weeks alone my life has changed completely: I went from working 40-50 hours to less than 5 a week, I was nearly admitted to the hospital because my eating disorder was so bad that they thought I was having a heart attack (mixed up test results, got some fluids and I am good to go!), I’ve had a psych evaluation, I have lost friends or hurt people I love more than myself, I’ve shut myself out, I’ve had more panic attacks than ever before, I’ve begun to fear night time, I can’t ever be alone, and I lost everything “normal” in my life.  My schedule was full. Now I have to ask someone daily if I can just sit in their house with him or her while they do life, just so I am not alone.  I’ve had a lot of doctor appointments. And I have never felt more broken.

This has affected every single person in my life, whether it’s because I can’t be around them because I’m embarrassed, or they see me so often now that they don’t even have to hug me, or they don’t want to see or speak to me at all.  I am broken.  And having nothing in life going the way you planned, with literally no plans, can destroy anyone’s confidence, let alone someone with a disorder that makes them question their value.

I used to be (unhealthily) bound to my schedule.  I’d squeeze in a coffee date in the 45 minute gap I had between work, or I would have to schedule times for friends to even see me without kids. It was basically always expected that I would show up to something with someone else’s kids, just so I could see humans over the age of 5.  The only good thing that has come out of this entire situation is my free time.  Now, the actual free time itself is not the good part (those begging for it like I used to, don’t! It’s awful….) it is what I have done in that free time that has been good for me.  I literally have nothing to do, so I wake up, work out, cook for fun, and read my Bible.  I spend at least 2 hours a day in the Word, with headphones in and listening to worship music.  This isn’t to toot my own horn, but to say that when you literally (feel like you don’t or) have nothing going in your life, you still have God.  I’ve found nothing to be fulfilling.  I don’t have a typical friend group to hang out with, I hate wasting time on television, I can’t get myself to edit or upload a youtube video in this time, and I literally have nothing going on.  So I just do what I know I can do without others, which is read my Bible.  I’ve lost friends, I’ve broken trust, my anxiety is a nightmare, and I can’t get a damn doctor to help me…. But I’ve got my Bible and I have God pulling me to Him.  For the first time in my life, I find myself obsessed with my Bible.  My day doesn’t feel right without it.  I start with it as early as I can, and I try and end with it.  Whenever I am alone, I have it out because I can’t stand silence or to do nothing.   It’s leading me on the right path, though nothing around me has changed.  I am still very sick.  I’m still waiting for the healthcare system not to suck.  I’m still begging people for forgiveness.  I am still hurt.  I have still hurt others. I am still broken. I am still chained to my own thoughts. I still don’t want to speak the words of my struggle out loud, though everyone already knows.  But I have Christ.  While that should be enough, as a human, it isn’t.  I need companionship and I need help… and that’s okay.  God didn’t say that reading the Bible would fix all my problems.  However, Bianca Olthoff said at the If: Gathering this year, that the way to endure trials is to "learn to worship as warfare." So while I am having my next anxiety attack, or I struggle to find any good in myself, I am going to turn on some worship music, pull out my Bible, and praise the only One whose opinion should matter. 

That being said, I am not in a place to discuss how I am really doing.  I am trying to get help, but nothing is smooth sailing with the health care in a tiny town.  But I am working on myself.  Ed Sheeran has a song called “Save Myself” and it is all about how someone gives ALL of themselves to make someone happy or to help them. In return, they hurt him or are of no help in desperate times.  It ends “Before I save someone else, I’ve got to save myself. And before I blame someone else, I’ve got to save myself.  And before I love someone else, I’ve got to love myself.”

I’m going to take this time to be selfish and take care of myself.  I’m sorry for those I have hurt.  I have no excuse.  And thank you to those who have been there for me. I am broken.  I’ll try and be better.  But please have grace, as this is a process.