just thoughts

Where am i going?
Who am i becoming?
Why is my life the way it is?
Why do these things keep happening?

My life this week has not been normal to say the least.  Exhaustion has over powered me.  Family drama has instilled.  Here I am not getting any sleep... again.  I have to be up in less than 6 hours... it's after midnight and I am just tired. Yet I cannot sleep.  I have so much anticipation and dire need for tomorrow to be over that I can't seem to allow myself to fall asleep and get there quicker.  Sleep won't be easy tonight and neither will tomorrow.  I have had a very scary week.... My brother in law fell asleep at the wheel and hit a telephone pole... with my poor helpless niece in the back seat.  Just thinking about it makes me what to bawl my eyes out.  But i know she is okay. Safe. I guess? I haven't been able to see her yet and my sister is bringing her to the church tomorrow so I can hug the living daylights out of her.  How I feel about my brother in law right now is not something I want to discuss but it has caused me to feel SO tired.  I slept so much last night (called in to work, went in after 1) and yet, I woke up feeling sick. tired. exhausted. drained. And there is no way to make that feeling go away.  The accident still happened. It will always have happened.  I still live at home. I still don't have a host family.  I am getting upset.  frustrated. desperate.  I can't take any more "maybe it is God's intention" talks. I have been at this house for 20 years. I am the ONLY believer. I am alone. This isn't exactly where I can live and feel okay. I can't help but cry EVERY TIME. I think about being here.  the people aren't terrible, but the crap that happens is.  The unsupportiveness is unbearable. The insane situation with my parents divorce, the roommate,  my sister's divorce, the accident, my sisters, my mother, myself is getting out of hand.  It's consuming me.  Even if I am at the church ALL THE TIME. It isn't calming my nerves.  The early weeks of the internship are over and I am out of my gleeful haze of "everything will be perfect all the time" ridiculous expectation for my entire life to change.  It has changed in a lot of ways. And yet, it feels... the same.  I can't take it much longer and I am not sure what I am supposed to do. I mean, a host family isn't going to come out of nowhere.  They have asked so many people. I'm losing hope.

And I am broke. literally. That doesn't help anything.

oh... HEY God...

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.

Deuteronomy 31:5-7

It has been a difficult week.  Okay.  How about, difficult few days.  Starting with Thursday.  7am. Homework. 9am. Bible Study. I'm up.  I burst in to tears.  Not quite what I had in mind.  After Bible study... hysterics once again. What is my problem? Lack of sleep.  Lack of prayer.  Lack of faith. And my Dad is leaving. Okay, he left. Afternoon. Facilities.  Music Loud. Vocals out of tune. A whole lot of mopping. Work day over.  2 hours of homework. 3 hours of class. I fall asleep in class.  I don't think I have ever done that.  Misty's. Home at 11. Rookie Blue. Bed.  Friday. 7am alarm. Fail. 9am alarm. Groaning. Trip to Ferndale. Paint. Move Stuff. Clean up. Homework. 4pm. Home. last night with my Daddy. movie. hanging out. ignoring the idea of Saturday morning. ignoring the idea of Goodbye. Quality time.  The Help with Kelsey. home. Bed. Saturday. 7:45am. First thought. "Stupid Bigfoot." No joke. Bye Daddy. 8:30 am. Willow Creek for the "Stupid Bigfoot" parade. Enjoyable. Absolutely Ridiculous. Lunch. Worst food service ever. Exhausted. 2:30pm. Homework. 6:30pm. Service. Topic? Forgiveness. Me? In tears... again. Pathetic.  Dramatic. Annoying. Now. 9:50 pm. ready for bed. up at 7 tomorrow. Both services. and more Homework.  

Seeing a sucky pattern? Or just me complaining?

Something is missing.
Hello! Did I ever mention God? aside from my epic fail at Bible study. . . due to lack thereof. . . NO. . . you didn't hear me say anything about God. Why? because I ignored Him. All week. Because I am stubborn.  And sometimes, I can be seriously selfish. Why? Because. I miss my best friend. I don't want to wake up early. I can't eat normal because my teeth hurt. I am having facebook withdrawals. I am tired. I like to complain too much. I need to STOP saying I. This is NOT about ME. When did I realize this? When someone else asked me to pray for them during worship.. My first thought. "I do not want to sound like an idiot. I don't want to do this. I..." "What are you doing?"  "What the heck was that??" "Stop being so selfish." "Oh. . . HEY . . . God . . ." "Pray for this girl. Pray for my child." 

I took a breath. Confidence. And I prayed.

And you want to know something? I Feel Free. Changed. Loved. So... HEY God... can I walk with You on the path You want me to take? I'm sick of the one I made.

Internship Week One

Well, it's Thursday! To say I am relieved is an understatement. I just want to sleep all day tomorrow.  We don't have outreach so i get to sleep in, which will be nice.  Not to say I do not welcome this exhaustion, well I don't, but I at least feel good about it, I feel like I accomplished something.  This week has been insane and amazing at the same time.

Tuesday (Day 1): introduction and worship.  I was nervous for this because we are in a big room singing.  It may take me a while to feel comfortable singing out loud... I don't do it unless my voice is blocked out by loud music.  After that we went to our departments.  I am in Pastoral Care for the next 6 weeks.  Which means I am helping Pastors Matt, Heidi, Susan, and Gary.  I was going crazy this day.  My first job as an intern was to clean out 2 of the church vans. (SO GROSS!) I had 5 meetings that day, one with each Pastor and one with Matt and Curt.  I ran a few errands, did stuff for the bulletin this weekend, made phone calls, answered some phone calls, and did copies.  The day went by fast and slow at the same time. I only stopped moving when it was lunch time.  And for half of lunch I was driving with Jasmine to get a bagel.  Afterwards, I met with Heidi for the women's retreat and planning work I needed to do for her and stayed for dinner.  Then I went back to Uturn for the Rising Union concert.  I slept well that night.

Wednesday (day 2, Amanda started!): Now, the beginning of this day was difficult.  The morning is where I think I struggled.  I was ashamed to already be struggling in the program... i mean, day 2? But I get why.  And I'm not as ashamed any more.  As orientation was finishing up, I found out that I am in charge of our devotionals/bible studies on Thursday mornings... and my first day starting? Today.  So I had less than 24 hours to come up with some sort of Bible Study or Devotional.  I literally just burst into tears.  It's something I will have to get used to, I'm in ministry for goodness sake. I think the pressure of knowing that whoever is listening to the lesson or study is going to take it with them and use it.  I just don't do well with people watching me.  It took me an hour to calm down and I used the rest of my study time (Wednesdays study time is 10-12) to do homework (which I should be doing now... darn!). we had lunch and then departments from 1-4. I went to a PPC (something pastoral or something?) meeting for an hour and a half.  More phone calls.  Then hospital visits with Pastor Gary.  The thing that stuck about these visits was how grateful the patients were for our brief stop and prayer.  I think I will be asking to go on more visits soon.  After sleeping form 7-8 (whoops) I woke up to spend a little friend time with Kelsey.  I needed to get out.  I am around a ton of people but I just felt like i needed a time to relax and laugh.

Thursday (day 3): My Bible Study? A success you could say.  I played the song "Amazed" and read out of Ephesians, and we journaled.  It was difficult but effective, you could say.  After devos we went to departments. I made over 30 phone calls, went to a CWT meeting at Club 5:17, made more calls, and was in Facilities from 2:30-4:30. I did a few dishes and then mopped for over an hour and a half.  I got my work out in, let me tell you.  Now I am sitting in Starbucks, have been since 5 and am about to leave with Amanda and Jasmine for our 3 hour Acts class.  I will be sleeping well and resting and doing homework tomorrow.  This week is technically only half way over, with the huge "See You At Sequoia" event this weekend. 3pm people!! Be there! We also have the 9 and 11 services and class on Sunday night. I need to finish my homework and start on my next bible study


This program is going to push me. I am already being pushed, which is good, but i am hoping to stay motivated.  I am going to look back on this post in a few months and a year to see if things have changed for me and if I have grown.  Right now, I can't pray in front of people, which is the one big thing I am working on being comfortable with, and have been for years.  Devos this morning was very difficult, I was ready to cry the whole time I was talking because I felt so much pressure, but i know that with time it will be so much less stressful for me.  The study was kind of personal to me.  The song "Amazed" by Desperation band has had a huge impact on my life.  I listen to it every night before i go to bed and I still find new things in it that amaze me about how great out God is.  And as I was journaling I just felt like God was saying "I am here."  I have been feeling very lonely lately, I have no family living with me right now.  My mom is living in Arizona, and my Dad and sister have been working in Washington since May.  I miss them.  It's been hard and I seem to forget that God i right by my side ALWAYS.  And this morning's lesson helped me realize that.  I'm Amazed...

One more thing.  This is long and I have no idea who reads this so... sorry!  I am having a hard time not separating myself from the other interns (Amanda and Jasmine). I seem to do it without realizing but I am kind of on my own.  It isn't them, but I am pushing to be alone and that isn't going to work for long.  I just feel at odds with myself and most of the time prefer to be alone.  Doing homework alone.  Letting them do work together and volunteering alone.  I don't know... I'm trying but unwilling to just let myself be social.  I seem to shut down in the mornings, aside from today, which could mean progress, but I prefer to be silent (amazing right?!) So if someone wants to keep me accountable on this I would appreciate it.
That's my first week! I won't be doing this weekly, no time!  But I will try a few posts every once in a while or if some sort of event occurs. Thanks!

P.S. I am the only interns still Host-Familyless... so if you know of anyone or you yourself feel God has put it on your heart, contact the church :)

Insomnia

So lately I have been having a very difficult time sleeping.  It has been about 3 or 4 weeks of constant tossing and turning.  I hit my breaking point yesterday when I was operating on 3 hour of sleep.  I was wide awake (but exhausted) and tossing and turning until 5:30 am.  And of course, i couldn't sleep past 8:30, so where did that leave me? A mess.  I had my niece's second birthday party at my house and the entire time I felt like I was totally snappy and rude, and I really hate that side of me.  Granted, I am generally always like that with my family, but i was like that with some friends who were in attendance as well.  I have about one day a week where I sleep a solid 8 hours, but I tend to wake up every couple of hours during the night.  The only reason I get "so much" sleep those nights is because my body is completely run dry and can't handle it any more.  I don't understand why all of a sudden I am up until 2 or 3 crying because I have been tossing and turning for 5 hours... and this happens almost every night.  It isn't my caffeine intake (which i have cut down with no positive results). It isn't because I have been getting too much sleep (HA). And isn't because I'm sitting around doing nothing every day.  My days off are spent relaxing because I am so tired from no sleep, waking up early, having kids and orthodontist appointments, and going home to not sleep and starting the process over again.  I'm not sure if I am just stressed from my home environment, nervous for the internship, moving out, or what.  I  mean, what could it be?  I drink decaf coffee after 2pm. I have tried sleeping pills, NO success, and I am beyond exhausted when it is time to sleep.  I have no idea what to do any more but I am starting to run dry.  If anyone has ANY suggestions, PLEASE feel free to suggest! I have a very specific way I go to sleep and I have been on that schedule for a long time.  I tried switching it up and keeping it the same with practically the same result. With the Internship starting in 15 days I need to figure out something fast.

Sacrifices

As the countdown to the internship gets shorter and shorter, I'm realizing the things in my life that are going to change... The sacrifices I am going to be making.  I'm so thrilled and sad at the same time.  I have a whole new life beginning in just a few weeks and it is hard to picture the change.  I'm moving into a host home, starting a new job (well more like starting to work towards my career), leaving the kids behind, and moving away from my niece.  This sounds totally dramatic, I'm sure.  I'm not really known to react well, but change is hard for me.  I think that is something I will be working on during the internship.  I've never left home before, though everyone has technically left me.  I've basically been living alone for 2 months.  But it is a very different feeling knowing I am leaving the place where I grew up for the last 20 years (even if it doesn't contain the best memories). I think I am just a little afraid of how it will go.  I am confident it will be perfectly fine, but I have this tendency to freak out about something until it gets going.  I am starting a whole different career path as well.  Now there is a scary thought.  I am absolutely certain that this is where I am called to be, but I am absolutely terrified out of my mind.  I think it is because this is the first time that I am completely choosing to operate by Faith.  I have never felt called to a specific purpose in my life and I know this is right, I am just afraid.  I think the theme of this change is fear.  Fear of the unknown. I mean, I KNOW i will be okay, I TRUST that it will be amazing and life changing, and I have FAITH that this is what I am supposed to do.  So is it wrong to be afraid?

Also, I know I won't be completely done watching kids, and I know I will see them more often than I think I will, but it's weird.  I don't want to lose those moments with my favorite little people.  The moment when I walk in the door and I hear "Teresa!!" or when I leave they start crying or want to do our special handshake.  The moments when they tell me a story about this amazing day they had a few weeks ago and I realize it is a day we spent together.  I don't want the babies, in 2 or 3 years, to forget that I spent an entire year or more with to forget all the fun times we had.   I have memories with these kids that I don't want to forget.  I got to have the baby brothers and sisters that I wanted growing up. (yes, I have a younger sister but she is only a year and a half younger)  It's those moments with these kids that I don't want to give up.

Katelyn and Dylan are who I hang out 

with the most (18ish hours a week)

They don't do well taking pictures WITH

me... so I just take pictures of them

And then I have these two crazies who I adore 

like my sisters.

They pose with me a little TOO well :)

Every moment I spend with these 4 kids is precious to me.  Not to forget the 20 other kids hat I sporadically have on my schedule and get excited to spend time with.  Even on the days where they make me want to pull my hair out make them go to bed.  I love them so much. 

The one other thing i struggle with is not being able to live with my niece.  Yes, exhausting, but that angel is one of the only little girls in this world that makes me believe in miracles.  She is the cutest, sweetest, and silliest little girl I know.  She is going to be 2 years old in 2 weeks and I am not ready for that.  Right now, I see her maybe two times a week (and I'm supposed to live with her!).  I can see her as much as I can during my free time when I start the internship, but I am afraid that I am going to miss her growing up.  That she won't want to play the "kissy game" or take silly pictures with me.  I won't be able to cuddle with her and watch Toy Story when ever I want.  Or hear her in the morning running down the hallway screaming "auntie" and bursting through my bedroom door to climb into bed with me.  It is a hard thing to face, feeling like I am going to miss out on so much...

I think that if I were to start this internship with nothing to lose, it wouldn't have as much of an impact on me.  I think that by having these sacrifices, I am more determined to pursue this path.  I don't want to pretend that I won't miss my kids, my niece, and even home sometimes, because I think it is better for me to miss them than to not.  It gives me more purpose to finish what I'm starting. I am sacrificing a lot (emotionally, for me) to be in this program. But I am thanking God every day for this new life experience that I will never regret participating in or look back and regret leaving this time behind.  I know that this has all prepared me for this crazy journey that is just a few weeks away from beginning.

I wish I could change my name.

I figure whoever is reading this is wondering why... It isn't because I don't like my name (i got over that years ago) and it isn't because of who or how i was named. Actually it kind of doesn't have anything to do with my name in itself.  It is how it is used.  Lately I have been feeling... labeled? And for the most part I don't mind, but it has been effecting my personal life lately. a lot.  The label? The Babysitter.  I LOVE my kids and I would never give them up (except for the internship) but I feel like that is how people are interpreting who I am.  I'm good with kids. I get it. I am called to children's ministries. That I definitely get.   But that does NOT make me only the babysitter. It is my job... and I love to do it.  I hardly say no.  But when I stop getting invites to go out, or people ask me to watch their kids when I should be going where they are going, I get offended.  I don't know why, and maybe it's my fault, but I am more than just a babysitter.  I am Teresa, a living breathing, SOCIAL, twenty year old young woman.  I feel like I am being shafted.  And yeah, and events where there are kids around, I tend to entertain them, but at times I really need that social interaction with people... and lately I feel pushed to the side.  I feel like I am there to babysit. Which yeah, that's my job, I love it, but that does not make me who I am.  I don't know if I am making sense...

I would watch anyone's kids if they asked and i wasn't watching someone else's.  I would gladly say yes most of the time.  But when it is for an event that I want to go to, or an event that I should have been invited to but wasn't because people brought up my name as the babysitter instead of a guest, I feel very hurt.  I have been feeling very lonely lately because all I seem to be doing is working.  Again, I repeat I do not mind.  but the reason all I am doing is watching kids is because I am not invited any where.  Everyone seems to be pushing me away, and when I am somewhere I feel ignored.  i know it is stupid, but coming from a family completely opposite of the life i am living, means I go everywhere alone.  No parent, husband, sibling, or friend.  If i bring a friend, it is usually Amanda. I still feel ignored, not by Amanda, but by others.  I feel annoying to people lately, and I think it is from my overly energetic personality.  Lately, however, that has been coming out more often because I spend all day with kids aged 1-6.  I just feel like I am not part of a group. I don't have a friend circle where I would be invited out with the girls. Or feel comfortable with them to go out with them. Or can talk to a circle of friends without being pushed out of the circle. I feel like I am not making any connections with people because I am not invited anywhere and I feel like I am not invited anywhere because I am the babysitter.  Maybe I don't have the right to say what I am saying because maybe who I feel like is my group of friends really isn't... maybe I am the babysitter.  Maybe I am just having a hard time not having a lot of friends my age.  There really aren't that many people around my church who are my age.  But I still feel like I am trying way too hard to go for something that i am never going to get.... because of my label. for the third time, I am going to say I love watching my kids... but I would love if my scheduled consisted of dinner or a movie. or my friday night was a night out with the girls... and not at home or watching kids.  Sometimes I just want to spend a night out and laugh.... you know?  I feel bad for feeling this way because then it looks like I don't like what i do, but I really do. I even ask to watch people's kids when I already have had a crazy week, but usually it is because I want to spend more time with the kids i don't get to see as often.  I just wish that my job wasn't who I am to everyone.  That when people introduce me it isn't "This is Teresa, my babysitter."  That maybe it could be "This is Teresa, my friend." Or "this is Teresa, a friend of mine. Who also happens to watch my kids somtimes."  Or something that doesn't make me feel less important.  Not saying that watching kids is not important, it is to me, but I feel like it isn't important in explaining who I am.  I don't know, this might be coming out wrong and I have probably offended some of the parent to the kids I watch, and I hope that isn't the case, because I love them so much.  I just wish that maybe I had more to my name.  Friend.  Friend that loves kids.  Called to Children's ministries.  I don't know.  I feel like every time my name comes up, babysitter is attached. And really, maybe I don't mind thinking of my kids when I hear that.  But I wish I had MORE to my name than my job.  I don't know. I keep saying that and repeating myself.  But I just want people to call me to hang out with me a little more.  Not just random texts or phone calls if I can babysit, but also texts and phone calls about wanting to hang out... or asking how I am doing... I need people too.

This has no relation to any incidents lately or specific people... It is just a feeling I have had the last few months that I needed to get out and i had no one to explain it to...

It isn't Goodbye...

This year has been tough with goodbyes.  First, was my mom.  Today was for Shakeh and Michael. And come August, my Best Friend.  The thing is, I don't know how to feel.  I mean, I'm hurt, heart broken, and completely depressed.  But this kind of thing is supposed to be good for you, right?  I mean they are going somewhere new with a new purpose in life.  You are supposed to be happy for them.  Maybe I just don't understand, but what I do know is that I don't like this feeling.  I am happy for everyone's new lives, but what about their part in my life? I am being completely and utterly selfish, I know, but in this instance I really don't care.

Shakeh and Michael have been in my life for the last 3 years.  Shakeh was painting my toes for Junior Prom the first time I met her.  It feels like so long ago, but it really isn't.  From there she was my small group leader, my cabin leader, a friend, a partner in leadership, a mentor, and someone i became very close with.  Her constant words of encouragement and persistence for me to keep going has made me into a stronger person.  Tonight I prayed for her and Michael.  You have no idea how big of a deal that is for me. I have never prayed in front of a group of people like that before.  The reason why I could? Shakeh has been pushing, motivating, and encouraging me for THREE years to pray in front of people.  At first i wouldn't even do it with the two of us over a meal.  She showed me the path toward God and the right way to go.  I can't even explain who I have become because of this woman... and for that, I am eternally grateful.  Michael has been someone I look up to.  We bonded over crunches and ridiculous conversation.  He has never hesitated to tell me when I am out of line (or as he likes to do, refer to me as "young lady") nor has he been afraid to give me some much needed advice.  We had many conversations about cars, where he patiently would explain how something worked, and bless his heart, I never understood.  He always welcomed Amanda and I in just to veg out on the couches while he worked or went and did things in town.  And he has always reminded me to do my "duty" as another person in the world, and help those around me.  Okay, so he also ruined the word "duty" for me.  Any time I hear that word I will think of him.  Michael and Shakeh have welcomed me into their family with open arms and hearts.  They trusted Amanda and I with their home and animals (basically their children) while they were away. And eventually it didn't phase them any more when they came downstairs or home to the two of us watching LOST or eating in the kitchen.  I don't know what life without them will be (probably lacking), but I do know that the people in Florida are gaining the most positive, encouraging, and loving people that I have ever had a pleasure to know.   I will miss them more than I can even comprehend myself, but i know that they have fulfilled their purpose here. They are ready to face their next calling from God and live their lives for Him.

Summer Camp 2009

Secret Agents... 2009?

Fourth of July 2010

Fourth Again

Shakeh took a glam shot of Amanda and I tanning and watching LOST in her backyard

Memories

Young Adults Retreat 2010

Virgin Margaritas, Party Straws, and LOST

Ladies

 Love her

For whatever reason, I have no pictures of Michael.  Surprise, Surprise.  Anyway, as you can see, I have spent some time with the Chocholak's.  I even learned how to spell their last name... haha.  

I would like to say that this is not goodbye.  Because I have never handled goodbyes well, and I am in denial.  Instead... we'll say see you soon. 

So, Shakeh and Michael?  I love you.  Always. I'll see you soon.