Sickness

So... I have been basically... for lack of a better word, dying this last week. I spent all last Monday (except for a run... I think) in bed... literally.  I spent Tuesday night (after a run in the pouring rain [yes, I was pretty much asking for this sickness]) after work in bed, left work at 1 on Wednesday and slept from 5pm to 9:45 the next morning.  I spent my entire Thursday in bed except for class.  Worked 2 hours Friday, spent the rest of the afternoon in bed, went out with my small group for 5 hours. Saturday I felt better. I was able to talk which was a very limited possibility all week. My voice was fading but I wasn't stuffed up and my killer sore throat disappeared.  I felt great Saturday until about 7pm where my body quit functioning. I bailed on all activity after service and crashed at 10. After both services on Sunday I laid in the sun and on Heidi's couch until class. I stayed up until midnight to watch all of Army Wives (totally worth it) and woke up okay this morning. I feel pretty much healed except my energy... I still can't work out and it's been a week!! And my cough... though I'm told this one will last about 2 weeks. I get bogged down at night and it takes me half an hour in the morning to feel normal but my body has fought through most of it :)  it has been a hellish week with this cold or whatever it was, and I really hope I don't get sick again. This is the worst cold I've had in a long time or that I can recall. I am just so glad I'm better JUST in time to have my two favorite girls while their sister is coming into the world :)

12 Weeks of Motivation: days 1-11

So far so successful.
Day 1: 1 mile timed run (7:29)
Day 2: 2 mile run. Salsa dancing.
Day 3: off (Sunday)
Day 4: 1 mile timed run (7:18) 2-3 mile walk
Day 5: 2 mile run
Day 6: 2 hours of volleyball
Day 7: 3 mile run
Day 8: 2 mile run
Day 9: crossfit
Day 10: off
Day 11: 40 burpees, 100 crossfit situps, 100 squats.
90% of my workouts are between 6-7am. So of course... I'm sick. High five Teresa. Today I held off until 2 to do my workout. Bad idea to push myself. And all my scheduled workouts this week are after work or in between work and class. Maybe it will help this week because right now I feel like death. My motivation this week? I'm down 2.5 pounds. :)

Shoes for Bulembu

I have three new projects I am taking on. Starting this weekend, Faith Center will be hosting a shoe drive. It will be focused on children's shoes and in that department. I will be sending out flyers to parents asking them to bring in gently used or good conditioned shoes for kids in Bulembu. My very good friend, Tia, is currently in Africa and the village she is in (Bulembu) has no shoes. Her parents are going to Africa and are willing to take shoes with them on their trip. Thus, the project, "Shoes for Bulembu" has been given life. I am thrilled for this opportunity to serve in another country and communicate with kids, the importance of missions. This drive will end the weekend before March 31 and then we will have a Missions weekend with the kids.  I am having a "missions weekend" with our children's department where myself and probably 4 other people who have been on missions trips will speak about their experience on the field. We have mssionaries from Peru and the Philippines that just so happen to be my friends who would like to share their experience. On top of those long term experiences, myself and another friend will be sharing our short term missions to the Dream Center in LA as well as Baja, Mexico.   At the ende of "Missions weekend," they'll recieve little Children's Gospel Boxes and fill them with change for a few weeks. When we set a date to bring them back, the boxes of money will go to the CGB where the money raised will go to Missions.
Technically this is three different projects, but they are all rolled in to one.  If you have shoes or questions let me know.
I feel very passionate about this and so beyond called to this project.  My hewart flutters whenever I think about this and I am so excited to help this devestated village some shoes.
TO learn more about Bulembu just click the link :)

A Service Project

In ELN, during our time in the Outreach department, we have to creat a service project.  Doable within our 6 weeks, $0 budget, and has to be an outreach or evangelism of some sort.  It doesn't have to be an event but it has to involve one of our ministry passions. Jasmine did a youth worship night, Amanda is doing a homeless outreach with youth kids, the interns, and Dale this Friday... and I have absolutely no idea what I want to do.  Thursday I am supposed to have it in my head and in process.  For now, I am supposed to brain storm.  In the last 2 hours? I've come up with nothing.  I thought writing might help, but here i am, with no avail.  I know what I want to come out of it.  People reached.  Lives changed.  People to consider their lives and where they can grow in Christ or help others.  I'm doing this for change.  My passion is children.  But I don't know if I want to do a project with kids.  Probably because I am spending the next year (and then rest of my ministarial life, unless God puts me somewhere else) in the Children's Department.  I guess that argument goes both ways though.  So now...  I'm in a rut. Any ideas?

12 Weeks of Motivation

I have my first official workout challenge in my head. Now, I'll spill it online. Then I will have more motivation to do it.
I keep seeing this picture everywhere... Pinterest. Facebook. Everyone pins or posts it. The first time I saw it I said "ha. I could never make it 12 weeks... let alone a week." Repinned it. I wish. Haha. I took no initiative. But now I have 5 or 6 friends pinning and posting it and I'm inspired. So. I counted this last weekend since I had a consistent workout schedule, and I've created the "12 weeks of Motivation" challenge.  Workout 6 days a week. Simple enough. But I also have to consider my work and school schedule. So now it's... get up at 6:30 four times a week, 6 am once a week, and when I wake up Saturday and Monday, I have to do something. Most likely running because I have no membership to a gym, nor the funds to get one. I hate running. Abhor it. Like I posted on Friday. But seriously, all I have wanted to do this last week (after it's dark and scary) is run. I hate it once I start, but the prospect of the end result appeals to me. So now, once a week (Friday), I will weigh myself, journal my daily activity, and take a weekly photo. I won't stare at these, dwell on the parts of me I hate. I will use it as motivation. I will eat healthier (45 days of veganism plus the healthy foods after) and hopefully continue to do this after May 11. I'm absolutely terrified of failure, maybe that's why I've never done this. But if I accidentally sleep in one day, can't manage a workout one day, or eat a piece of cake, I won't beat myself up. I'll learn. I will pick back up where I left off the next day, and I'll keep going.  And who knows, maybe by my 21st birthday (May 6) I'll be able to run in a race or event... I think there is one on my actual birthday too. That's on my bucket list (funny since I hate running). I could cross it off early. I just know I need to be healthier. And I want to increase my stamina. Speed? Cake. I ran a 7:18 mile this morning. Distance? I might puke on you after 2 miles. So I want to get up to 3. Maybe 5. But I'll start small. Anyway, if anyone wants to be my accountability partner of this, I'd be thrilled. I've tried this on my own but I've yet to be successful. Though I haven't had this motivation before... so who knows? Well. Off to bed... day 5 of 84 tomorrow :)

Just Tell Me

I wouldn't say I'm perfect. In fact, I scoff at most compliments, doubting myself and what I do. I wouldn't say I need constant affirmation (though Cameron thinks I need it more often), but I feel like I am constantly doubting myself. I don't notice growth. As far as I am concerned, I am practically the same person I was a year ago. But, apparently, according to a few little birds, I've changed a lot. I'm doing well. I'm growing. I just heard that people feel and see this. I thought nothing of myself. I've been doubting everything. Why? Because no one has confirmed that I'm doing well. No one has told me that they see my growth. I was told twice last week how well I am doing and that two other people (who are practically my mother and big sister) feel the same way. Great! That's fabulous even. Put me in to tears of joy. But it took me crying in tears of doubt and pain to be told that, oh hey, you're a completely different person. Nothing like who I used to be. Again, it isn't like I need constant affirmation, but seriously, it would be nice to know that I don't completely suck. Sometimes, I just need people to tell me that I'm doing well. I'm growing. I'm changing. Or maybe even... They're proud of me. Maybe it's because no one in my family has ever said they are proud I me. Maybe it's that rejection that makes me completely doubt everything about myself. But I'm human. I can't forget that trauma. So, as someone trying to make it in the world without their family and trying to get away from the world tendencies, it would be nice if someone could just tell me "hey, I'm proud of you."

When Life Was Simple

I'm on a writing rampage.  I seem to write more often when my anxiety kicks in and it has been going for over two weeks now. No sleep.... Sucks.
This internship is stretching me.  In all the good ways... obvi.  When I feel like it is stretching me too far or a way I don't want to go, I panic.  Of course, it always seems to turn out the right way.  God is involved... so duh.  Right now? I'm stretched so far that I can see through me.  Strange concept to think about.  But I'm so transparent, so fragile, so ready to snap that I don't know how to be myself.  I talk less.  I fear more.  I stop caring.  I have yet to find a solution to the strings of panic attacks I've been having and I can't resolve the issue without a known cause.  That's right... I have no idea what's wrong.  Only God knows... yes, that's comforting, but I'm waiting for Him to work me through it.  I don't talk about it... I put on a mask.  One I said I'd never put up.  But who can I trust? Who can I talk to without being called a freak for potentially freaking out for no known reason?  So I hide... waiting for God to show me the way.  Waiting for things to work out.  Waiting for life to simplify...  I miss those days.  The simple life.  When I had no idea my parents were fighting constantly, infidelity covering my entire family in shame.  When my sister and I argued about a messy rooms and not about how I don't belong.  Before I doubted myself, my body, my face.  When I was just a kid who had no idea what money was, or how my life was about to spin out of control.  Drugs? Sex? Heartbreak? What were those?  I had no idea.  I had time to watch television and play games.  I got to spend time with my psudo family next door instead of missing out on the kids growing up. Sometimes I wish I could go back to that.  Take a break from this life that seems to be spiraling out of control.  Drama that I know nothing about and yet am pulled into the middle.  No sleep.  High expectations from so many people. Estranged relationships with my mother and sister.  My father gone for the last 9 months. Anxiety plaguing me every day as I try and do what I am called to do.  The world distracts me.  There is no way to avoid it.  No way to go back to those "easy" days.  Though I'm told if you take the easy route, how do you grow? You have to work through life to grow as God wants you to.   I am starting to notice where I have grown, where I have faults, where I want to grow.  But I feel so over grown these last few months.  Is that possible?  I just need a break.  An escape.  A vacation... even just a weekend.  For now I settle for nostalgia and sleepless nights, praying for peace of mind and healing.  Welcome to the real world I guess.  I'm not sure I like it.