The End is Just the Beginning

Well, here it is.  The last week of my internship.  Two years in the making.  Two years of tears. Two years of fighting.  Two long years of homework and school.  Two years of struggle.
But there's also the two years of triumph.  Two years of growth.  Two years of straight up hard work.

I wanted to quit... more times than one.  I would have quit three weeks ago had I not been so close to the end.  And a week ago.  And yesterday.  But you see. I'm not a quitter.  I'm a fighter.  I don't fall and stay down.  I get back up.  Why?  Because this time is not my own.  I'm not here to waste God's time, I'm here to use it. 

So I fought, I cried, and I struggled... but most importantly I triumphed. 
I've spent the last two years watching time fly and watching it go slower than it should.  I've watched babies in the nursery move to their first Sunday school class.  I've seen elementary kids transition to Uturn and the awkward stages in life.  I've seen good kids go rebel and I've seen rebels turn to the most "on fire for God" teenagers that I've ever met.  I've had my own ups and downs, my own awkward stages, and I've seen my own family have these transitions as well.  My nieces have had a church experience or twenty.  I've seen my niece sing Jesus loves me to a group of people who didn't want to hear.  I've seen her as a three year old disciple.  I've seen the baby make an impression in the nursery and an impression in the world.  Her little eleven month old kisses would melt anyone.  I've seen sisters in and out of church on random occasions.  I've seen God move in their lives, whether they are aware or not.  I've witnessed to families that used to be uninterested and now ask questions constantly.  I've seen myself go from shut off to talking about God, to talking about Him every five minutes. 

I've seen growth.  Not only in myself but in the people around me.  Interns.  Friends.  Family.  Coworkers.  Youth.  Kids.  It's something I will treasure for the rest of my life.  One girl in particular... I watched her go from confusion to true understanding.  I helped with her baptism.  At camp we prayed for her to be baptized in the Holy Spirit, and then with her and all of her sisters. She helps with worship upstairs. She's my first real experience in a life change.  I'm blown away by her and what God is doing in her life.

I've watched Brooke grow from completely stubborn with no words, to completely stubborn and full sentences.  I've watched as Emily has gone from little girl, to understanding and growing up way too fast.  I've seen Summer go from newborn and incapable, to running and screaming and talking and loving.  My heart melts.

I've watched the interns grow from three to seven.  I was there when we fell apart, I was there when we grew stronger.  I've seen them struggle and I've seen them triumph.  We've been through a life changing experience, Amanda, Jasmine and I.  Whether it tested our patience or changed us for the better.  We went through dry periods and Holy Spirit highs.  We went from tears to laughter, and sadness to joy.  We've hated life and we have loved it.  Mostly, we did this together; creating a strange yet unforgettable bond.  I can't explain it much... but we won't ever forget it.  That first semester really pushed us... it caused us to think and fend for ourselves.  We spent a ridiculous amount of time together, arguing, crying, laughing, loving.  You can never take that away.  We all went through tremendous traumas and took care of each other.  We went long distances and spent a lot of time in coffee shops.  We had conflict resolutions and we fought.  Mostly we fought for each other and defended our sisters in Christ. We grew confident together.  We found ourselves together.

I found myself. Well, part of me. I'm not completely confident in who I am quite yet, but I knew nothing of myself before I started this internship. I know where I started. Lost. Confused. Shut off. Quiet. Afraid. I let fear drive me. I refused to sing, pray, lead. All because of fear. I never let myself be free. I was stuck in a hole that I didn't want to climb out because I thought if I did that no one would understand me.  I was closed off to a world with astounding information and Spiritual guidance.  I was shut off to the Holy Spirit and it's leading.  I was truly confused as to who I was and what I was doing. However, two years later I can't say the same thing.

As I prep for going to Russia as a missionary in the Fall, I can't help but think it to be all but a dream.  I mean, the world is at my fingertips and I am going to freaking Russia.  God has me on this tremendous journey and I can't stop thinking about how Amazing God is... He trusts me of all people... with His people.  His babies.  I have no words for this besides Thank You. I have no expression but utter joy because two years later I can finally jump.  I can say yes without fear.  Well... there is hesitation in the unknown... but I know for a fact that God has a plan much greater than I can comprehend. I'm ready.  I've spend my entire life preparing for this.  I've spent the last two years searching for my God in every crevice, dark hole, and bright spot.  I am going to Russia because God has called me to something so much greater than myself.  I'm beyond ecstatic and so confused at the same time.  God spent the last two years preparing me for something, that two years ago if I had been called, I would have thought God had gone mental.  How did I get from being too afraid to pray in front of people, to moving to another country to help fulfill Russia's vision for their country?  That's either some serious happy juice or God has had His say in my entire life for a very long time.  I'm not saying I didn't put in the work, but God certainly provided one opportunity after another to shape me to be who I am today.  Sure, I probably spent twenty five percent of the last two years in tears, but I certainly grew from those tears.  I can't even fully comprehend just what God has done.  I mean, seriously.  It is unreal.

Enough about how ridiculous my life is.  I am beyond blessed to have partaken in the Redwood Emerging Leader Network over the last two years.  I've been challenged, I've come close to quitting, I've cried, I've screamed, I've stressed out, heck I ended up in the hospital.  But that isn't to say I didn't enjoy it.  Racing not to break curfew, laughing while we ate hot cheetos and pretended that we didn't have a final in an hour,  nights out, nights in, completing events.

Oh yeah.  That Kids Karnival.  Holy Mother of Pearl that event challenged me more than anything I have ever done in my life.  Coordinating an event that took 5 months, hosted 3,400 people and forced me to hide from the world for a good twenty four hours after it was over... And yet I wish I could do it again?  It makes me so sad that I won't even be a volunteer this year... but it's time I pass on the baton to someone else.  It's time for them to spend hours pulling out their hair while they sit on hold because the prizes didn't ship on time, or resetting up everything after someone came in the night before and moved it all.  Those are terrible memories and yet I want to be back in that moment. Those moments made me who I am.

I just became tremendously sad.  Thinking about all the times I wanted to quit and yet I didn't.  I made it through.  I made it... And it's done.  Two days and I'm free.  I can't even comprehend this.  I mean, I am leaving.  For good.  My heart hurts.  I cannot believe I did it.  God did it.  God and I did it.  I'm becoming so emotional (as usual) and I can't even comprehend what it means to me to be finished.  My greatest accomplishment.  In just over a week I am going to be walking across that stage... and I'll be done.  "Done" isn't quite the proper verbage... I mean really I am just beginning.... I am starting a new life... Russia, maybe marriage, I pray eventually, a family.  I'm.... I'm only just beginning.  I'm just starting out on this journey that God has me on.  These last twenty two years, these last two years.... have lead to this moment.  This isn't the end.... it's just the beginning.

To Reach the Nations

My heart aches for the nations. Breaks for the people. I want to love the children who have nothing and pray with those who have lost it all. I see pain in the eyes of every person, wishing I could share the love of God with every one of them. I praise His name and hope one day to take Him to the nations. I spend every moment waiting and praying for that day to come. The day where the world can hear from God, see His Truth, be drenched in His Love. I wait for that day when God will send me, send me to a place that lacks truth. I want to be that truth to the world. I want to influence just as I have been Influenced. I want to lead just as I have been Lead. I want to love just as I have been Loved. I want the WORLD to see just what God is capable of; in the trees, in the birds, in my heart. I want it all to permeate their souls so they can see just how Awesome is He. My heart aches for those in the unknown. I desire so much for them to know, for them to understand. One day, Lord, one day they will understand just how amazing You can be. 

Missions Training, Thus Far

Well I'm exhausted. So far I've spent 26 hours of the last 3.5 days in training sessions. Some basic Foursquare knowledge, other, application.
Amidst the crazy struggle to stay awake has come everlasting friendships. Alynena (pronounced Alina) and I am getting along great. She's 28 and the closest one to my age. Mauricio is 29 and has the most powerful story and calling to Nicaragua I have ever heard. I'll recommend his book to you once I find out what it is called. You HAVE to read it. I met Steve Cecil, finally. We have fun telling people that we are going to Russia, and yet we just met on Monday night. He's already stretched me, taking me on crazy adventures in the City that I was not expecting to go on. I meet Kim tomorrow, and Johnell is really excited to see how much energy we create (apparently she's nuts too).
God has been so good, even amidst the tragedy. I'm struggling so much right now, finding out last night that my Grandfather passed away. No family here. No friends. I don't know where I would be without the Loops and Steve. They hugged me, let me cry, brought me Starbucks, and gave me comfort through the Holy Spirit. I still feel pretty abandoned and alone, but I know God will take care of me. My Dad is rushing home from the Philippines and I'm in prayer about whether or not I need to leave. His memorial is on Wednesday next week and I cannot imagine missing it... But I don't know what God wants yet. I'm just so glad I saw him last week.
Even amidst the tragedy God knows just what to do. I've spent the last 10 hours of session with the Holy Spirit and some amazing missionaries. I lead someone in the baptism of the Holy Spirit, where she then received her prayer language. A first time experience for me. I took part in a healing, another first, and was told I have power when I pray. She was healed. I was prayed for, but it seems healing like this isn't what God has planned yet. I'm waiting. In pain and hungry, but I know he knows better. I shared my testimony for only the second time and spoke into someone's life about patience in pain. I'm suffering emotionally and physically, pretty terribly right now, but I've done enough crying today. I'm ready for some joy.
I had my intake interview where I explained my short comings and how I over came them. I explained my heart. I loved. I had to talk in detail about my severe eating disorder for the first time in 3 years. Honesty was my only intent. I have overcome and I am no longer ashamed. I struggle but refuse to give in.
Courage. Bravery. Words that were used to describe me. I can't take credit. God can. But I can't. They're happy with my results. So I trek on in the FMI process.
That's the last three and a half days. 8 to go. Please be praying for strength. We're all exhausted.

My God

Today in devotions we are talking about all that God is to us. Listing, story telling, explaining exactly who He is.

God has always been my provider. Making the impossible happen, making me believe in the little things. Giving me not only what I need but managing to give me what I want. He has shown me right from wrong, pulled me away from the wrong path and lead me down the right one. He has taught me what it means to forgive, to have grace, to receive grace.
He is my Rock. My salvation. Without whom I cannot stand. He has pulled me from the depths of what seems like hell and taken me back to a place where I am no longer afraid.
He is my Father. He was there when my earthly father wasn't, and remains now even when my father has returned.
He takes care of me. I may be sick, but He knows just how to make me okay. He knows how to comfort me in my loneliness and care for me when I want no one else.
He is my Commander. As they say in the Army, He leads his platoon. He whips me into shape when I start to get lazy. Pushes me farther when I want to give up. However, instead of yelling at me when I do wrong, He gently whispers in my ear, "I forgive you," and encourages me on.
He is my everything. My laughing buddy, my shoulder to cry on, my secret keeper. My Best Friend.
He is my teacher. When I make mistakes, He teaches me how to move on. He brings me back to focus when I lose my concentration, which, let me tell you happens quite often.
He is my water, soil, and light. Like a plant, without these I will not grow. My roots are deep in the soil of His word, begging to be replenished and poured into. I'm dropping seeds everywhere and finally I see God pushing them into the soil. They're ready to grow.
He is the sun, warming my soul, warming my heart. He fills me with joy, takes away the cold, bringing light into my life. He takes the rain and cold and turns it to an unexplainable rainbow of color.
He is my joy. My hope. All I am.
Most importantly God has taught me how to love. Love myself, love my God, love others. Without love, I would not exist. I would have given up a long time ago. He has given me a calling to love. A calling to bring love to the world. A calling to bring people to love itself, Him.
God you are more. I am less. Take hold of my life and lead me where You want me to go. I give you all.

Stuck

Having one of those days where you just want to disappear
Experiencing life at a pace beyond all your control
Waking up and wishing you hadn't
Spending hours just staring anywhere but where you need to
Lost in translation.

A life spent dwelling on the past
Wondering where you went wrong
Questioning all the choices you've made
Asking for answers
Never getting a response

Always wondering how to get through the day
A never ending pit of pain in your gut
Regret
Sorrow
Pain

You can't help but wonder where your God is
Right there next to you, But you can't tell
Because it always seems something is going wrong
So you sit in silence, alone
Or so it seems

You have no idea what to do any more
Are you making the right choices?
Have you gone the wrong way?
You can't help but question things
Question everything

Sick all the time
Hurting constantly
No answers
No help
No joy

Without answers comes nothing
Where is my life going?
What road will I be forced to take?
What happened to Your plan?
I'm stuck

Health Update

Life has been pretty.... difficult lately to say the least.
I'm still very sick all the time, taking medication that makes me sleep 13 hours (and if I don't sleep 13 hours I'm sick the next day). I'm impatiently waiting for answers... I can't get into the doctor I need to get into (in Eureka) until the end of June.  Now I have a doctor in San Francisco... he has an appointment for me in two weeks.  Six days before Missions Training in LA.  He doesn't take my insurance and every time I call to get a cost estimate they've gone home for the day (2:30 today!).  My Dad leaves for the Philippines on Monday and I need answers before he leaves... Does anyone want to take a trip with me?  It's Tuesday and Wednesday in San Fran on the 16th and 17th... I'm very afraid to go alone, especially if I get bad news... or any news for that matter.  I haven't even cleared it with Rachel but she is the one who suggested I go out of town anyway so I'm hoping it's okay....
Missions training is in less than three weeks.  I'm excited and in debt.  By the time I go, I'll still be $500 or so short of what I need, so I am going to be taking it out of my ever-shrinking college fund. I stayed low on the fundraising for training because I really just need help with funding for Russia... So unless some of you know anyone willing to donate to training, I'm out of luck.
I feel very short changed lately.  I've had a great few days with my family so that's helped... But I am under a tremendous amount of stress in trying to navigate missions alone and trying to get healthy.  I'm so overwhelmed with this sickness, and I've had to force myself to get through every single day for the last 3 months.... Everyone seems to just be telling me to suck it up and deal with it, if they even say anything at all... when all I want is for someone to hold me and tell me I'll be okay.  It's so scary not knowing what is wrong with me and I've never gotten to talk to anyone about it.  No one wants to hear about it. Three solid months of suffering and people have stopped asking how I'm doing. I feel so alone.
I'm currently navigating the work of missions alone.  I get emails of the next step in paperwork and then off i go.  I have one step left of filling out my budget and I'm off and running.  I have Kim who I ask questions and pester all the time and she helps so I'm not too stressed about it.  But then I think about the fact that I need to be in Russia in 5 months and I start to freak out.  My Russians lessons are on hold right now because of my health and I can't start fundraising until after training.  I'll have 4 months to fundraise about $10,000.... Obviously I'm completely dependent on God for this.  There is no way I can do it alone.
However, I do not have medical clearance any longer to go to Russia.  Yep.  That's right.  I can't go until they diagnose me.  Another stress.  This illness is destroying my life.  I don't know what to do any more.  Seriously.  I live off cereal with lactose free milk, oatmeal, and bagels.  Everything else seems to make me sick.  I'm so beyond frustrated and discouraged with my health issues... I give up trying.... seriously.  I can't do this any more and I'm losing the battle with it.  I'd rather just lay in bed all day... that's the only thing that doesn't hurt or make me sick.  I'm nearly twenty two years old and I have the loneliest and least active life of anyone I know.  Internship, class, bed.  I'm so done.

The Path Of Least Resistance

I've spent the last three months laying in bed, resting. Doctor's orders.  However, as time has progressed I have found that I feel worse.  Spending an entire day off laying in bed feels like it can no longer be justified.  I feel awful pretty much all the time, but I could never push through it.  The last two weeks have been the most difficult.  Not sleeping, not being able to eat properly, constant nausea, and pure exhaustion.  I made it a goal not to call in sick to work, mostly by force, but mostly because I was sick of missing out. I can justify staying in on a Friday night because I never enjoy going out or hanging out with people, but I could no longer justify missing staff meetings, devotions, and working in my department.  I could no longer spend my free time laying in bed watching Hulu or Netflix and thinking, I could be productive, but how? So yesterday I set a goal.  I am only allowed to lay in bed if I have worked out.  I can only relax when my Missions Training homework is complete.
I woke up this morning after only sleeping three hours last night and my first thought was to call in sick to work because, honestly, I hadn't felt that sick in a month.  I still feel terrible.  But then I told myself that if I didn't go to work then I wasn't allowed to go on a run like I plan to after work.  Motivation number one.
I plan on working out six days a week, starting slow.  Yesterday I ran just over a mile and walked to equal 3.7 miles.  I did a few crunches and some push ups, along with some relevés, (ballet exercises to strengthen my ankles.)  Today I am running the two miles home from work and walking a mile to dinner, before I spend three hours in class taking my final.  I did crunches and push ups this morning and I'll do more relevés before I run to stretch my ankles (or something).  Tomorrow I am walking to work and walking home.  Saturday might be a light walk or something. I'll take Sunday off and I have no idea what Monday holds.  I already have an accountability partner, and I plan on sticking to this. 
This morning I could not get out of my mind how much I didn't want to run after work.  I didn't want to walk, I didn't want to do anything, I still don't. But I'm so against taking the easy road right now. All I've done is take the easy road since I got sick and I am so done with that. So I might hate running, I might hate getting sweaty, and I really hate being sore... But that means nothing in the long run. For 4% (or less) of my day I'm going to take the time and care about myself. It might be miserable right now... As I try ridiculously hard not to get sick after I run, or to keep pushing myself to run even when I'm bored. I am so tired or being disappointed in myself and my body and I'm sick of taking the easy road in this. I want to be proud of myself for once. And the disappointment of giving up has been too much. So even though I have an insane amount of anxiety about having to run, and even though I feel ridiculously sick, I'm not taking the path or least resistance in this.