To Be Mediocre

I feel mediocre.  Like... I don't know, I could have done better.  I see these shows and watch people become who they have always dreamed of becoming... I've wanted to go to Yale since I was twelve.  Yeah, that's never going to happen.  I don't have the SAT scores or the grades to even apply.  A rejection would be hard to take from there.  I want more than anything to be prestigious or be considered good enough.  I hear of people going there and achieving greatness... and I probably couldn't even get into a UC.  I don't know.  I haven't even found my future.  At twenty one I realize I don't even know what I want to do for the rest of my life. I have so many regrets in my life, mostly not my fault.  I have a lot of places I've wanted to go, things I've wanted to do.  I was pulled from gymnastics and dance at a young age... my two favorite things in the world.  I can't go back now.... not at twenty one... I don't have the finances or the time.  Sure, I'm going to Russia.  I'm thrilled.  But am I even good enough for that?  I can't even get the language.  I'm just so frustrated with life... why can't I be better?  More?  I want to move to the East Coast and go to school.... finish school.  If I even can. I've never been brave to go out on my own.  How can I move to the East Coast with no job, no friends, no idea of what I am doing?  I guess that's the thrill of it all.... not knowing.  But when will I ever have the guts to do this?  When will I get over my fear of getting lost?  I'm sick of settling and being less than I know I can be.  I am tired of not doing something because of finances or doubting myself completely.  But I am more sick of sitting here non complacent.  When can I be who I want to be... or why can't I start now?  I don't want to spend the rest of my life in mediocre hell.... I don't want to regret anything.... I want to go after my heart.  I know Russia is what's next.... but sadly I am not even there yet and I am wondering what comes after.  I can't even spend time in the moment.  I'm wondering when I will stop being the least of who I am, and when I will start becoming greater.  I'm destined for something more but I don't have the guts to go out and be more.... So for now, New York... Connecticut... they'll have to wait... Yale?  I hope Someday.... To be more?  Hopefully starts tomorrow... Because I never want to settle for being mediocre.