Goodbye

I don't want to hate myself. I don't want to hate my choices or what I'm doing. I don't want people to hate me. I don't want my family to hate me. I don't want my friends to hate me. This is probably a completely conceided idea that people will be hurt that I'm leaving or that they might actually miss me, but I don't want them too. Because that means I've let them down. I know what it feels like to be left, whether for good reasons or bad. And I don't want to be that sister who leaves once my niece is born or that can't keep in contact because of the time difference. I want to be in the same time zone, same town, 5 minutes away. And I don't want people to hate that I am gone. I don't necessarily want to leave, but GO. I'll be back so I'm excited and I cannot wait to go. However, the preconceived notion I had that this would be easy was so completely wrong. My biggest obstacle? Goodbye. 

That one word. 

Sure. It's a year. But it's a year. 

My nieces' first, second, and fifth year. 

I have kids who hate that I'm going. It feels good that I'll be missed, but damn it hurts so much. I don't want to disappoint anyone. 

I know that once I get there and I've made it through the goodbye process that I'll see all of the good. I see good now, more than good. But it's so blurry because all I can see right now is goodbye. 

I've said goodbye to more people in the last month than I have in over 5 years. This doesn't make it easier. 

I cannot wait to see what God has in store, I just really need to get past this fear of goodbye. 

It's a risk I'm taking, I've never really taken risks. Ever. 

But I know this is the right risk. Waiting is harder and a bigger challenge, that much I have become aware of. 

I'm so afraid of missing out on my life in Eureka, but I've realized that I have my life in Russia too. A different one. The thrill is there... The change is basically my entire life... And I'm so afraid.... But I can't wait. 

I've always been told that fear is good because it means you have something to lose. I don't have "too much" to lose, per say, but I do have a lot to lose. God has really challenged my heart when it comes to giving up everything (one) for His ministry and I really see how He has prepared me for this.... But I still can't get past goodbye. It's only a year. One year. I can make it.