Wednesday, October 10, 2012
People Can Be So Mean
It's really hard to be yourself when people are so mean. It's a harsh reality, especially when they're supposed to be your friends, but really.. It shouldn't be tolerated. I try and be myself. I try and be the best person I can be... And people laugh and roll their eyes. So what if I mention that we need to be responsible? So what if I ask if someone is okay? Caring about my friend is so much more important than your stupid Facebook. Ignore me. Laugh at me all you want but this is who I am. Myself. Teresa. Me. Take it or leave it. If you laugh at me I won't accept that. I'm standing up for myself right now. I'm "okay" when I'm not talking non stop. I'm "okay" if I don't have a crazy reaction like you expected. I'm not okay when you laugh at who I am. I'm not okay when you roll your eyes when I'm trying to say something. Let me be. Pick on someone else because you're going to be seeing me from now on. Not who you thought I was. If you don't like it.... Take it up with God and walk away. Because I will no longer let you cut me down. Be my friend or be my enemy. I'll love you either way, but I won't let you love me back just to hurt me later. I don't care what you pick, because if you can't decide now then clearly we weren't friends in the first place. I'm happy with being myself. I'm happy with my friends that I have and my family. I could care less. But treat me like a human. Not your door mat.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Disappointements and Hope
As I shared about A Miracle a few days ago, comes the sharing of diappointment. Today, I had the expectation of my sister coming to church. The miracle of this occasion... dashed with a giant bucket of disappointment... no show. My heart was completely crushed as I stood on stage during baptisms and didn't see her face or my niece in the back.
In this comes hope with the baptisms. I assisted with eight baptisms this weekend... three being my friends and three being the Christen girls. I've watched Annabella, Madeline, and Catherine grow so much since I started attending Faith Center. This summer, I was there as Maddie accepted Christ in her life at Kids camp... I was there. I prayed with her to recieve the Holy Spirit... a first for me, and a seriously eye opening experience for both of us. God was there. And I cry when I see the power of God in this little girl, as well as her sisters! It makes me realize that life altering decisions will not happen over night. I have been waiting five years for my sisters to see the truth. And as God slowly breaks through my sister, I am expecting her to show up praising Jesus... and that is an expectation I am pushing too hard... I can't help it! All I want in this life is for my family to see Truth... to see Christ. All I want is to stand next to them in church praising God and what He has done. And as the walls break on my sister, I have become impatient. It isn't my timing, clearly. But it's happening. I was devestated beyond belief today. I haven't cried or hugged that much in years... or so it feels that way. I know it isn't my timing, but that little glimmer of hope is just yelling "Here I am!!" So there I go... expecting and being disappointed. Nothing breaks my heart more than this disappointment... all i want...
In this comes hope with the baptisms. I assisted with eight baptisms this weekend... three being my friends and three being the Christen girls. I've watched Annabella, Madeline, and Catherine grow so much since I started attending Faith Center. This summer, I was there as Maddie accepted Christ in her life at Kids camp... I was there. I prayed with her to recieve the Holy Spirit... a first for me, and a seriously eye opening experience for both of us. God was there. And I cry when I see the power of God in this little girl, as well as her sisters! It makes me realize that life altering decisions will not happen over night. I have been waiting five years for my sisters to see the truth. And as God slowly breaks through my sister, I am expecting her to show up praising Jesus... and that is an expectation I am pushing too hard... I can't help it! All I want in this life is for my family to see Truth... to see Christ. All I want is to stand next to them in church praising God and what He has done. And as the walls break on my sister, I have become impatient. It isn't my timing, clearly. But it's happening. I was devestated beyond belief today. I haven't cried or hugged that much in years... or so it feels that way. I know it isn't my timing, but that little glimmer of hope is just yelling "Here I am!!" So there I go... expecting and being disappointed. Nothing breaks my heart more than this disappointment... all i want...
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
A Miracle
So I cried in the staff meeting. This was different. Joy. The only emotion I could express.
Matt asked if we had anything else to say, and something that had been on my heart was to say thank you to the staff.
Over the last four to six months my little sister has begun to get to know a lot of my friends at the church, staff or otherwise. She has been calling me almost every day and we talk or hang out as often as we can. Even if it is only for ten minutes in between work and studying. I watch my niece 1-3 time a week while she works and I am off. Through this our relationship has grown. On days that I have Sophia, I know to reserve when my sister gets off work to spend time with her. Those are my family days. And I am more than okay to be with her and sacrifice sleep or some homework time. Over the last few weeks, my little sister has been bringing my niece to the church so I can have her at church at the eleven. She knows how important it is to me, and since I have had meetings or teaching classes in between services, she has offered to bring her. It brings joy to my heart and I melt or cry whenever I think about it. Two weeks ago I was able to meet her outside. As I carried Sophia in, my sister followed. I asked if she was coming in... "why not?" was her nonchalant response. I wanted to cry. With fifteen minutes until service started, I didn't hold the expectation that she would stay through service. As she came in she met new people, some staff, and a few of my friends that she didn't know yet. She said hi to Rebekah and Bonnie, and got some conversations in with people she knew and liked. We went into the sanctuary to set my things down so I would have a seat in service. In the sanctuary she saw Matt and talked with more people. Worship started and she took that moment to say, "I'll see you later." And that's okay with me. Progress.
This last weekend she brought Sophia again, but I was upstairs teaching the baptism class. So I couldn't come out. She came in on her own. She found Rebekah and talked and walked with her. That's how I found them.... laughing and talking as they walked to the sanctuary. She did that on her own. But she found comfort in Rebekah, on staff or not, Rebekah had the heart to connect with her. And had my sister seen other staff members instead, I'm sure I would have found them with her too. My sister has found a connection in the church besides me. On top of that, she hung out in the sanctuary for twenty minutes with me.
Over the last 9 months she has been discovering who I am as a believer, and realizing that who she thought I used to be (not good) is not really who I am.... or even people in the church. I am PRAISING GOD because this is a miracle. God has reached out and pulled on her heart.
I thanked the satff, because without their hearts and love, there would be no connection to a different view of a believer than me... and there's bias in that I am her sister. But that's good too. I don't know what to think besides "YAY!!" All I know... is that I have hope.
Matt asked if we had anything else to say, and something that had been on my heart was to say thank you to the staff.
Over the last four to six months my little sister has begun to get to know a lot of my friends at the church, staff or otherwise. She has been calling me almost every day and we talk or hang out as often as we can. Even if it is only for ten minutes in between work and studying. I watch my niece 1-3 time a week while she works and I am off. Through this our relationship has grown. On days that I have Sophia, I know to reserve when my sister gets off work to spend time with her. Those are my family days. And I am more than okay to be with her and sacrifice sleep or some homework time. Over the last few weeks, my little sister has been bringing my niece to the church so I can have her at church at the eleven. She knows how important it is to me, and since I have had meetings or teaching classes in between services, she has offered to bring her. It brings joy to my heart and I melt or cry whenever I think about it. Two weeks ago I was able to meet her outside. As I carried Sophia in, my sister followed. I asked if she was coming in... "why not?" was her nonchalant response. I wanted to cry. With fifteen minutes until service started, I didn't hold the expectation that she would stay through service. As she came in she met new people, some staff, and a few of my friends that she didn't know yet. She said hi to Rebekah and Bonnie, and got some conversations in with people she knew and liked. We went into the sanctuary to set my things down so I would have a seat in service. In the sanctuary she saw Matt and talked with more people. Worship started and she took that moment to say, "I'll see you later." And that's okay with me. Progress.
This last weekend she brought Sophia again, but I was upstairs teaching the baptism class. So I couldn't come out. She came in on her own. She found Rebekah and talked and walked with her. That's how I found them.... laughing and talking as they walked to the sanctuary. She did that on her own. But she found comfort in Rebekah, on staff or not, Rebekah had the heart to connect with her. And had my sister seen other staff members instead, I'm sure I would have found them with her too. My sister has found a connection in the church besides me. On top of that, she hung out in the sanctuary for twenty minutes with me.
Over the last 9 months she has been discovering who I am as a believer, and realizing that who she thought I used to be (not good) is not really who I am.... or even people in the church. I am PRAISING GOD because this is a miracle. God has reached out and pulled on her heart.
I thanked the satff, because without their hearts and love, there would be no connection to a different view of a believer than me... and there's bias in that I am her sister. But that's good too. I don't know what to think besides "YAY!!" All I know... is that I have hope.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Ask, Seek, Recieve.
“So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. Luke 11:9-10
Ever feel like you just need wisdom. Or you need help. Or Love. Forgiveness. His Presence. Assistance. Anything.
We all need. It's a matter of how we get it. Ask. Seek. Receive.
If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. James 1:5
What you need... God will give. Without reproach. No hesitation. It should be easy. But really, you have to ask. Get rid of that pride and ask for wisdom. Seek wisdom. Receive God's Wisdom. This can be said for anything else we need! God gives. All you have to do is ask.
Ever feel like you just need wisdom. Or you need help. Or Love. Forgiveness. His Presence. Assistance. Anything.
We all need. It's a matter of how we get it. Ask. Seek. Receive.
If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. James 1:5
What you need... God will give. Without reproach. No hesitation. It should be easy. But really, you have to ask. Get rid of that pride and ask for wisdom. Seek wisdom. Receive God's Wisdom. This can be said for anything else we need! God gives. All you have to do is ask.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Peace
Insert foot in mouth.
And go to bed earlier. I'm so tempted to delete my last post but I want to share a God moment from this morning.
Devotions: What you speak over your life will happen. So... Speak, "I can't do it," and you won't be able to. Speak, "I can't God can." Yes. God will. Speak, "I am going to have a terrible day." And you will have a terrible day. Speak, "I will have a good day." Guess what? You will.
It's all about your perception. So yes, my perception is skewed. Yes, the facts are still the same, but how I approach the facts (my perception) creates one seriously skewed reality.
I won't always see the truth because, as a human, I have that tendency. But I need to try harder to see the good. I'm worn out, torn down, and exhausted. But God can restore all of it in me. Strength. Love. Peace. He has a peace that surpasses all understanding. Lean on that and I will be okay. He will overcome this for me. I just have to believe it.
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
John 16:33
And go to bed earlier. I'm so tempted to delete my last post but I want to share a God moment from this morning.
Devotions: What you speak over your life will happen. So... Speak, "I can't do it," and you won't be able to. Speak, "I can't God can." Yes. God will. Speak, "I am going to have a terrible day." And you will have a terrible day. Speak, "I will have a good day." Guess what? You will.
It's all about your perception. So yes, my perception is skewed. Yes, the facts are still the same, but how I approach the facts (my perception) creates one seriously skewed reality.
I won't always see the truth because, as a human, I have that tendency. But I need to try harder to see the good. I'm worn out, torn down, and exhausted. But God can restore all of it in me. Strength. Love. Peace. He has a peace that surpasses all understanding. Lean on that and I will be okay. He will overcome this for me. I just have to believe it.
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
John 16:33
Monday, September 17, 2012
Home
So I haven't blogged in a while. The internship is crazy insanity with 3 trips in 3 weeks. 22 hours of driving in there. Midterms. Classes. Homework. Crazy Work hours. And moving.
Yes. Moving. Again.
I feel like a plague. A circumstance I cannot control, nor those who can't keep me. It's just so frustrating to be shuffled around from house to house as SOON as I am comfortable. I feel like a foster kid right now. I'm living out of my duffle bag. I have like 4 complete outfits, 2 sweatshirts, a jacket, and a few pairs of shoes. I asked Amanda to bring me a picture so I could set it up to at least feel like home. I LOVE where I am at Maryann's right now, but with circumstances beyond anyone's control (again) I can't stay there. I was only supposed to be here for two weeks. We passed the two week point, but there still is no where for me to go. This cycle just keep repeating and I can't help but feel lost and completely confused! I'm not sleeping, any time I eat I either get sick or have to curl into a ball for a while, I'm stressed, and all I need is a home.... It just makes me realize... I really have NO where else to go... At least not where the internship will allow... And again only somewhere that I will have a bed and a place to put my 5 outfits. I'm so done with this phase in life... People have been telling me, you'll know what real tired is when you have kids. You'll wish you could go back to now, the easy time. I don't think anyone understands the hell I'm dealing with. To not have a place called home? To have no where to go. To be shuffled from house to house because no one can keep me. I'm not 12. I'm 21 and I should be able to have a home! I'm not especially privileged. Nor do I feel I deserve a home... But seriously, this phase has to end or I have to leave. Because I cannot keep doing this. It has been like this my entire life. In the last 9 months I have live in 4 different places where I either wasn't wanted or circumstances beyond my control arose. I'm not angry with any of those people... But seriously, this next place I am put will hopefully work out. Hopefully number 5 is the magic number, because if it isn't, number 6 is going to be in London, where I wanted to go in the first place. I need a home. With love. Where I am wanted. Where I can stay. I can't do this any more.
Yes. Moving. Again.
I feel like a plague. A circumstance I cannot control, nor those who can't keep me. It's just so frustrating to be shuffled around from house to house as SOON as I am comfortable. I feel like a foster kid right now. I'm living out of my duffle bag. I have like 4 complete outfits, 2 sweatshirts, a jacket, and a few pairs of shoes. I asked Amanda to bring me a picture so I could set it up to at least feel like home. I LOVE where I am at Maryann's right now, but with circumstances beyond anyone's control (again) I can't stay there. I was only supposed to be here for two weeks. We passed the two week point, but there still is no where for me to go. This cycle just keep repeating and I can't help but feel lost and completely confused! I'm not sleeping, any time I eat I either get sick or have to curl into a ball for a while, I'm stressed, and all I need is a home.... It just makes me realize... I really have NO where else to go... At least not where the internship will allow... And again only somewhere that I will have a bed and a place to put my 5 outfits. I'm so done with this phase in life... People have been telling me, you'll know what real tired is when you have kids. You'll wish you could go back to now, the easy time. I don't think anyone understands the hell I'm dealing with. To not have a place called home? To have no where to go. To be shuffled from house to house because no one can keep me. I'm not 12. I'm 21 and I should be able to have a home! I'm not especially privileged. Nor do I feel I deserve a home... But seriously, this phase has to end or I have to leave. Because I cannot keep doing this. It has been like this my entire life. In the last 9 months I have live in 4 different places where I either wasn't wanted or circumstances beyond my control arose. I'm not angry with any of those people... But seriously, this next place I am put will hopefully work out. Hopefully number 5 is the magic number, because if it isn't, number 6 is going to be in London, where I wanted to go in the first place. I need a home. With love. Where I am wanted. Where I can stay. I can't do this any more.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Friendship with the Lord
My devotional for today: I LOVE THIS BOOK. "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young
September 5:
I AM YOUR BEST FRIEND, as well as your King. Walk hand in hand with Me through your life. Together we will face whatever each day brings: pleasure, hardships, adventures, disappointments. Nothing is wasted when it is shared with Me. I can bring beauty out of the ashes of lost dreams. I can glean Joy out of sorrow, Peace out of adversity. Only a Friend who is also the King of kings could accomplish this divine alchemy. There is no other like Me!
The friendship I offer you is practical and down-to-earth, yet it is saturated with heavenly Glory. Living in My Presence means living in two realms simultaneously: the visible world and unseen, eternal reality. I have equipped you to stay conscious of Me while walking along dusty, earthbound paths.
John 5:13-15; Isaiah 61:3; 2 Corinthians 6:10
September 5:
I AM YOUR BEST FRIEND, as well as your King. Walk hand in hand with Me through your life. Together we will face whatever each day brings: pleasure, hardships, adventures, disappointments. Nothing is wasted when it is shared with Me. I can bring beauty out of the ashes of lost dreams. I can glean Joy out of sorrow, Peace out of adversity. Only a Friend who is also the King of kings could accomplish this divine alchemy. There is no other like Me!
The friendship I offer you is practical and down-to-earth, yet it is saturated with heavenly Glory. Living in My Presence means living in two realms simultaneously: the visible world and unseen, eternal reality. I have equipped you to stay conscious of Me while walking along dusty, earthbound paths.
John 5:13-15; Isaiah 61:3; 2 Corinthians 6:10
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