To Overcome

"This is the call to all the dead and disappointed, The ones who feel like they are done, This a word to all the ones who feel forgotten but you are not...  Lord if you can use us Fill us up, Let us feel your love Rush over us."

Alive by Brothers McClurg

I was that kid.  The one who didn't want to be around. I couldn't find use for myself, except as a waste of space.  I didn't fit, I couldn't see where I belonged.  
It's funny to me now as I look back and see how I suffered.  I suffered because I could never quite see what was right in front of me.
I felt alone, beaten, ugly, unwanted.  I had this vision in my head of how life would be like without me, how people would enjoy the space away from me.  It's terrible to say I laugh at my stupidity and pain that I endured. It was true pain and I suffered tremendously.  At fifteen years old I was suffering every single day from depression, self-hate, and stomach pains that never ceased from my constant hunger. But I think back at how much I suffered and realize that I didn't need to.  God was right there, whether I accepted it or not.  He considers me. Of all people, I am His.  It took nearly 7 years for me to get that.  
Consider the lilies of the field & notice how much more your heavenly father loves you. Matthew 6:28

As it turns out, I had a purpose.  And yet, at sixteen and seventeen I dwelled on where I didn't fit.  I found parties, I met guys... I never crossed too many lines because I constantly had the nagging feeling in the back of my mind with God telling me He cared for me.  I could never get myself to truly "rebel."  I made a million mistakes, but I was the farthest from rebellion in my school.  I wore expensive clothes and pulled the "I'm better than you" act in high school.  I pulled it off well, only to realize that after graduation no one cared.  I was lost once again.

I threw my mind into college and athletics, killing myself with unhealthy choices and struggling to get through my parents soon to end marriage.  I fell apart as my family split, leaving me alone while my sisters seemed to reject me. I watched my Dad find himself.  I watched my Mom drive away.  I blamed myself.  It's been messy.  Truth?  I can't fix the broken, only God can.  2 years later I see it... then?  I was the worst kid in the world.  And then I watched my sister go through divorce and vowed to never get to that point in my life.  Failure became my biggest fear.  

And then it happened.  I failed myself.  The only person l had left was me... I had all but given up on God as my family fell apart and I lost it.  I was heading down a very steep hill of destruction.  For the first time I am putting this into words... I was planning to leave for a year on my own... I was scheduled to head to an eating disorder rehab center of sorts.  I told no one in my family.  I cried every day.  I didn't want to be here, I didn't want the world to see me. 

One day though, one day I just decided "no."  For some reason I had this longing to fight for the first time in five years.  What pulled me up?  Who got me on my feet, swaying in a fighting position?  The only thing I can say is that it is only possible that God picked me up, picked up my broken heart, and slowly started to put it back together.  

I was back in school, struggling to stay afloat.  I was volunteering at church.  I was social.  I ate.  I kept it down.  I had more than two friends, real friends... For the first time in a long time.  Ones who I could tell the truth to.  Leaders who kept me on track.  No more lies, no more secrets.  

I became an intern less than six months after my parents divorce... and in those two years, my relationship with God has been altered forever.  I have my family to stand with, who I even talk to about God.  Who I love and want to spend every minute with.  Who I miss.  

I have received my purpose.  To Love. Because He first Loved us.  I love my family.  I love my friends. I love people. The plan is to go to Russia as soon as possible.  If you told me this two and a half years ago I would have told you that would have to take a miracle.  And I would be right.  Because if I look back at where I was those two and a half years ago... at the end of my biggest struggles, I break.  How the hell did I do that? I didn't.  Simple as that.  God had me, has me in the palm of His loving hands.

I say this as a testimony of sorts.  But really I just wanted to tell people just how AMAZING My God is that He considers me, you, the world.  I see what He has done for us, the forgiveness He has spread in the world, the sacrifice He has made for me, and I ask why.  Oh, How He Loves....

I want to close with this... There is a light.  And whether it be in a mentor, a family member, friend or in your own heart.  Recognize that it is God and He will be the One to pull you out, He will help YOU overcome the world, just as He did.  Take comfort in the fact that you are not alone.


 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33

Goodbye

I don't want to hate myself. I don't want to hate my choices or what I'm doing. I don't want people to hate me. I don't want my family to hate me. I don't want my friends to hate me. This is probably a completely conceided idea that people will be hurt that I'm leaving or that they might actually miss me, but I don't want them too. Because that means I've let them down. I know what it feels like to be left, whether for good reasons or bad. And I don't want to be that sister who leaves once my niece is born or that can't keep in contact because of the time difference. I want to be in the same time zone, same town, 5 minutes away. And I don't want people to hate that I am gone. I don't necessarily want to leave, but GO. I'll be back so I'm excited and I cannot wait to go. However, the preconceived notion I had that this would be easy was so completely wrong. My biggest obstacle? Goodbye. 

That one word. 

Sure. It's a year. But it's a year. 

My nieces' first, second, and fifth year. 

I have kids who hate that I'm going. It feels good that I'll be missed, but damn it hurts so much. I don't want to disappoint anyone. 

I know that once I get there and I've made it through the goodbye process that I'll see all of the good. I see good now, more than good. But it's so blurry because all I can see right now is goodbye. 

I've said goodbye to more people in the last month than I have in over 5 years. This doesn't make it easier. 

I cannot wait to see what God has in store, I just really need to get past this fear of goodbye. 

It's a risk I'm taking, I've never really taken risks. Ever. 

But I know this is the right risk. Waiting is harder and a bigger challenge, that much I have become aware of. 

I'm so afraid of missing out on my life in Eureka, but I've realized that I have my life in Russia too. A different one. The thrill is there... The change is basically my entire life... And I'm so afraid.... But I can't wait. 

I've always been told that fear is good because it means you have something to lose. I don't have "too much" to lose, per say, but I do have a lot to lose. God has really challenged my heart when it comes to giving up everything (one) for His ministry and I really see how He has prepared me for this.... But I still can't get past goodbye. It's only a year. One year. I can make it. 

My Biggest Obstacle

I'm scared. To be more specific, I am absolutely terrified. This is normal, they say. It feels normal. But I don't want to feel this way. I want to leave psyched and ready to go. I don't want to leave feeling like I do now. 

I don't want to say goodbye. I'm taking no one with me. I'm 22 years old and the longest I have been away from home is 2 weeks. I cannot imagine that again, let alone a freaking year. 

This is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done. I picture hugging my sister goodbye and I'm a bloody mess. (Like right now) I'm already sobbing. I don't want to say "bye bye" to my nieces. They expect to see me less than 2 days later. I can't even imagine what they will think after a few weeks. Will they miss me, or will they think I forgot them? I never want them to ever feel abandoned or forgotten, but they don't have phones or the capability of understanding what I am doing. My little sister is my best friend and I don't want her to think I'm leaving her. I don't want to leave her. I'd freaking pack her and Sophia in my suitcase if it wasn't such a long flight. 

Goodbye is literally the one thing stopping me. One word. I can't say it, I can't even wave. I'm thinking about the next 90 days and how the big goodbye could be any time between then and now. And currently I can't stop crying!

It is very clear that I am supposed to go. God has most certainly turned the light from red to green. I'm waiting for it to turn yellow, to slow time down, but it is so clear that I'm going through. 

I just.... I don't want to let go. I finally have my family and I feel like I have spent the last 10 years trying to get that... And as soon as everything is perfect, I lose them. I'm leaving them behind and I'm not even sure they get why. Right now, they are all I have. My best friends live 2 states away and I spend most of my time with my sisters and neighbors. My Monday night family dinners are going to stop. I won't be here for Christmas... My first time away for any holiday... I won't see my new niece grow up... She won't even know who I am when I come back. And that hurts. My heart hurts so much. 

I'm sure I'm being absolutely dramatic in the eyes of anyone reading this... But I could lose everything in this life but God and people and I would be okay. I can't lose my family.... And I've never been able to say that. I don't want to leave them. 

This is me expressing my bare soul right now... I needed to get it out. 

I am expressing my biggest obstacle in saying "yes". I knew what it meant to say yes, and right now I think it is just hitting home. So for now, I'm going to take advantage of every moment. Hug my nieces, laugh with my sister. Call my Dad. Text my Mom. Play video games with my neighbors... And figure out how in the freaking world I'm going to say goodbye without crying the entire flight to Russia. 

I'm giving this to God, this fear. But it doesn't mean I won't keep crying. If anyone has advice, please feel free to comment. Anyone else, if you don't mind, please just pray for my heart. 

Inspiration in Love

You know, I've really struggled with the idea of time over the last year.  2 months until a hopeful deployment date.  One year in Russia.  Will I stay longer?  How old will my nieces be?  Will my friends get engaged, will my sisters have more kids?  Change, change, change.  Fear.  Dead on.  But something I have really started to understand is that once I come back I can adjust.  Sure, I may miss out or I may struggle as I hear about life, But hey, I'm going to be doing the same! A life in Russia?  Who even gets to say that?? Time isn't standing still, but I am still going to be okay.
Shakeh and Michael really helped me come to terms with this, this weekend.  They moved away two years ago and life has been different.  Things have changed, people have changed, but we are still the same.  Relationships never severed, love and honesty still flowing.  Relationships that we have struggled to keep have lived on.  They visited for a few days and it was as if they never left.  Goodbye was just as hard this time as last time.  But I know I'll see them soon.
I pray that any relationship I have right now that really has meaning in my life will not sever.  I pray for great friends that I will cry about for weeks because I miss them.  Why?  Because as Michael said today, it means I have real love in my life. It is painful.  I cannot imagine not having this kind of hurt in my heart because it means I have never loved.  Sure, my nieces will age, friends will get engaged or move away, old and new habits will burn and die out.  I'll be different.  They'll be different.  But that love?  It will alway be there.  Always mean something.
So as I stood at the door and watched as two of my favorite people drove away, it hurt.  I cried.  I lost.  But I gained so much more love in my heart.  It hurts so much greater because I have so much more to lose.
Goodbye will Always hurt, but I never want that to change.

Quiet

It's been all quiet on the blog front.  I've had an inkling to post for weeks but life has been a haze of kids, Russia, and best friends.  My summer has been uneventful and yet insanely busy.  I've spent 90% of my time with kids, working.  The other 10% has been a mixture of my closest friends and Russia.  It has been so difficult finding the time to fundraise and learn Russian.  I'm beyond overwhelmed that I am no where near prepared for this.  I'm super excited, but instead of having Russia in the passenger seat (as it is supposed to be) it's been in the trunk.  I'm using my few days off for refocus and to work on my presentation.  I meet with Rachel in an hour to finalize things and hopefully set a date for my church presentation.  I've been emailing multiple people all morning and scheduling meetings in what little time I have.  I've finally enjoyed a little vacation.  2 days at the lake two weeks ago (with my best friends) and 4 days with my Tia and second parents at the lake last weekend.  I needed it more than I thought.  I spent the first two days tubing (a severe hematoma on my leg [blood clot, possible fracture] from a particularly gruesome tubbing accident), skiing, surfing, tanning, eating, kayaking, and laughing with my best friends Tia and Amy, and Tia's boyfriend Nate (along with some family friends).  The other four days were just Tia Lynn and her parents and I.  We literally laid around all weekend.  I got 10 shades darker (no exaggeration) and got through 300 pages of a sappy romance novel.  I haven't read recreationally since Shakeh lived here,  it was nice.  We surfed a little, tubbed until Tia and I crashed too hard, and spent a lot of time bonding with her parents.  We talked a lot about Russia and it felt amazing to finally share my heart with them.  Food and bingo were also on the list of the most relaxing weekend I have had in probably years.  All that was missing was Amy.
Now I am in full fledge fundraising mode!  I am running my individual presentation through Joe and Rebekah and then I'll start scheduling them with my list of 200. God has already proven to be the God that provides as I have had so many families approach ME about supporting me.  I am so excited.  The Cecil's deploy in 42 days and the plan is that I follow shortly after that, hopefully no later than November!  I'm ready for this adventure and I head to Wisconsin in 8 days to spend the week with the Cecils! I can't wait to finally meet the kids and spend more time with Kim and Steve.  I haven't seen them since the 3rd of May, missions training.  I take the fact that I really miss them as a good sign.
Once August hits I am hoping to be in full motion with fundraising.  I am hoping for at least one appointment a day and for 100% by October.  Once kids start back to school I will be extremely limited in work and finances, so I am relying on God's provision and trusting that I can get to the field ASAP.
Time to keep working!

swelling on my ankle from the crash: the hematoma is worse!

My Best Friends and Sisters

Kid City

Fourth with New Friends!

My Favorite: Sissy!

Starting to Understand the Beauty the God Created

My Best Friend Even

#backflip

Freedom: Lake Weekend Part 2

The End is Just the Beginning

Well, here it is.  The last week of my internship.  Two years in the making.  Two years of tears. Two years of fighting.  Two long years of homework and school.  Two years of struggle.
But there's also the two years of triumph.  Two years of growth.  Two years of straight up hard work.

I wanted to quit... more times than one.  I would have quit three weeks ago had I not been so close to the end.  And a week ago.  And yesterday.  But you see. I'm not a quitter.  I'm a fighter.  I don't fall and stay down.  I get back up.  Why?  Because this time is not my own.  I'm not here to waste God's time, I'm here to use it. 

So I fought, I cried, and I struggled... but most importantly I triumphed. 
I've spent the last two years watching time fly and watching it go slower than it should.  I've watched babies in the nursery move to their first Sunday school class.  I've seen elementary kids transition to Uturn and the awkward stages in life.  I've seen good kids go rebel and I've seen rebels turn to the most "on fire for God" teenagers that I've ever met.  I've had my own ups and downs, my own awkward stages, and I've seen my own family have these transitions as well.  My nieces have had a church experience or twenty.  I've seen my niece sing Jesus loves me to a group of people who didn't want to hear.  I've seen her as a three year old disciple.  I've seen the baby make an impression in the nursery and an impression in the world.  Her little eleven month old kisses would melt anyone.  I've seen sisters in and out of church on random occasions.  I've seen God move in their lives, whether they are aware or not.  I've witnessed to families that used to be uninterested and now ask questions constantly.  I've seen myself go from shut off to talking about God, to talking about Him every five minutes. 

I've seen growth.  Not only in myself but in the people around me.  Interns.  Friends.  Family.  Coworkers.  Youth.  Kids.  It's something I will treasure for the rest of my life.  One girl in particular... I watched her go from confusion to true understanding.  I helped with her baptism.  At camp we prayed for her to be baptized in the Holy Spirit, and then with her and all of her sisters. She helps with worship upstairs. She's my first real experience in a life change.  I'm blown away by her and what God is doing in her life.

I've watched Brooke grow from completely stubborn with no words, to completely stubborn and full sentences.  I've watched as Emily has gone from little girl, to understanding and growing up way too fast.  I've seen Summer go from newborn and incapable, to running and screaming and talking and loving.  My heart melts.

I've watched the interns grow from three to seven.  I was there when we fell apart, I was there when we grew stronger.  I've seen them struggle and I've seen them triumph.  We've been through a life changing experience, Amanda, Jasmine and I.  Whether it tested our patience or changed us for the better.  We went through dry periods and Holy Spirit highs.  We went from tears to laughter, and sadness to joy.  We've hated life and we have loved it.  Mostly, we did this together; creating a strange yet unforgettable bond.  I can't explain it much... but we won't ever forget it.  That first semester really pushed us... it caused us to think and fend for ourselves.  We spent a ridiculous amount of time together, arguing, crying, laughing, loving.  You can never take that away.  We all went through tremendous traumas and took care of each other.  We went long distances and spent a lot of time in coffee shops.  We had conflict resolutions and we fought.  Mostly we fought for each other and defended our sisters in Christ. We grew confident together.  We found ourselves together.

I found myself. Well, part of me. I'm not completely confident in who I am quite yet, but I knew nothing of myself before I started this internship. I know where I started. Lost. Confused. Shut off. Quiet. Afraid. I let fear drive me. I refused to sing, pray, lead. All because of fear. I never let myself be free. I was stuck in a hole that I didn't want to climb out because I thought if I did that no one would understand me.  I was closed off to a world with astounding information and Spiritual guidance.  I was shut off to the Holy Spirit and it's leading.  I was truly confused as to who I was and what I was doing. However, two years later I can't say the same thing.

As I prep for going to Russia as a missionary in the Fall, I can't help but think it to be all but a dream.  I mean, the world is at my fingertips and I am going to freaking Russia.  God has me on this tremendous journey and I can't stop thinking about how Amazing God is... He trusts me of all people... with His people.  His babies.  I have no words for this besides Thank You. I have no expression but utter joy because two years later I can finally jump.  I can say yes without fear.  Well... there is hesitation in the unknown... but I know for a fact that God has a plan much greater than I can comprehend. I'm ready.  I've spend my entire life preparing for this.  I've spent the last two years searching for my God in every crevice, dark hole, and bright spot.  I am going to Russia because God has called me to something so much greater than myself.  I'm beyond ecstatic and so confused at the same time.  God spent the last two years preparing me for something, that two years ago if I had been called, I would have thought God had gone mental.  How did I get from being too afraid to pray in front of people, to moving to another country to help fulfill Russia's vision for their country?  That's either some serious happy juice or God has had His say in my entire life for a very long time.  I'm not saying I didn't put in the work, but God certainly provided one opportunity after another to shape me to be who I am today.  Sure, I probably spent twenty five percent of the last two years in tears, but I certainly grew from those tears.  I can't even fully comprehend just what God has done.  I mean, seriously.  It is unreal.

Enough about how ridiculous my life is.  I am beyond blessed to have partaken in the Redwood Emerging Leader Network over the last two years.  I've been challenged, I've come close to quitting, I've cried, I've screamed, I've stressed out, heck I ended up in the hospital.  But that isn't to say I didn't enjoy it.  Racing not to break curfew, laughing while we ate hot cheetos and pretended that we didn't have a final in an hour,  nights out, nights in, completing events.

Oh yeah.  That Kids Karnival.  Holy Mother of Pearl that event challenged me more than anything I have ever done in my life.  Coordinating an event that took 5 months, hosted 3,400 people and forced me to hide from the world for a good twenty four hours after it was over... And yet I wish I could do it again?  It makes me so sad that I won't even be a volunteer this year... but it's time I pass on the baton to someone else.  It's time for them to spend hours pulling out their hair while they sit on hold because the prizes didn't ship on time, or resetting up everything after someone came in the night before and moved it all.  Those are terrible memories and yet I want to be back in that moment. Those moments made me who I am.

I just became tremendously sad.  Thinking about all the times I wanted to quit and yet I didn't.  I made it through.  I made it... And it's done.  Two days and I'm free.  I can't even comprehend this.  I mean, I am leaving.  For good.  My heart hurts.  I cannot believe I did it.  God did it.  God and I did it.  I'm becoming so emotional (as usual) and I can't even comprehend what it means to me to be finished.  My greatest accomplishment.  In just over a week I am going to be walking across that stage... and I'll be done.  "Done" isn't quite the proper verbage... I mean really I am just beginning.... I am starting a new life... Russia, maybe marriage, I pray eventually, a family.  I'm.... I'm only just beginning.  I'm just starting out on this journey that God has me on.  These last twenty two years, these last two years.... have lead to this moment.  This isn't the end.... it's just the beginning.

To Reach the Nations

My heart aches for the nations. Breaks for the people. I want to love the children who have nothing and pray with those who have lost it all. I see pain in the eyes of every person, wishing I could share the love of God with every one of them. I praise His name and hope one day to take Him to the nations. I spend every moment waiting and praying for that day to come. The day where the world can hear from God, see His Truth, be drenched in His Love. I wait for that day when God will send me, send me to a place that lacks truth. I want to be that truth to the world. I want to influence just as I have been Influenced. I want to lead just as I have been Lead. I want to love just as I have been Loved. I want the WORLD to see just what God is capable of; in the trees, in the birds, in my heart. I want it all to permeate their souls so they can see just how Awesome is He. My heart aches for those in the unknown. I desire so much for them to know, for them to understand. One day, Lord, one day they will understand just how amazing You can be.