Mother

December 30, 2011
The last time I spoke to my mother. A text message.
I love you too.
A reply. 
The last time I heard her voice? 
May 6, 2011.
My 20th birthday. 27 seconds on the phone.
Regret?  Yeah.
Sorrow, tears, pain? Hell yeah.
Pain rips through my heart whenever I get a text message. I can't change that.
I ignore the pull in my heart for amends because that hurts so much worse.
Today?
Happy Birthday, Mom :)
Because I can't stand to hurt her more than I already have.
A conversation starts. Small. Short. Terse.
She's coming.
She's coming here in a month.
And she's bringing him and their dog, like they're some big happy family.
Not my family.
He deserves none of my attention. No smiles. Don't touch me. I will NOT go to the wedding. You'll never be my step father. No relation to me. EVER.
And I don't have it in me to tell her I won't see her if she is with him.
I don't even have to GUTS to tell her I don't even want to see her. The face of betrayal. Abandonment. My mother who was never my mom. 
I can't do this. 
I wont.