To grow in joy

Today for our devotional time we meditated on part of Deuteronomy 30:19

I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life.

I wanted to know what it was exactly that God meant by choose life.  So I asked....
God, Choosing life means... Strength. To Love. A Purpose. I paused. 
So... then what is my purpose?
To love.  To grow.  Joy. 
Joy?  I get it.  I do.  But how does that come alongside growth?
I no longer want you to grow in pain.  I want you to grow in joy. 
What does that mean?
You have suffered far too much.  I don't want you to grow because of pain any longer.  I want you to grow because of joy.  Because of the good in life.  No more growth in struggle.  You've done that your entire life.

I cried.  Figures.  But this time it was different.  I cried out of joy.  God knows exactly what I need.... I want to grow but I haven't seen much growth in the last few months... and it's because I was looking for it in the wrong places.  I was looking where I always had... in pain and struggle.  But over the last few months God has been telling me that I need not to suffer any longer.  I am going to experience joy.  That is my growing point.  I haven't seen this before and I think God wants to stretch me again.  It isn't like my life has been in the pits for nearly twenty two years.... It has just been a fight.  I struggled through divorces, eating disorders, abandonment issues, family drug problems, hatred, self hatred.... and now God is saying enough.  I've grown through those trials... I made it through.  But now He wants me to grow in joy.... something I have never experienced.  It will be overwhelming and so exciting... but I have to realize that this is a normal thing: happiness.  Not something I have experienced much of.  A fun night out.  Good conversations.  Fun events. All temporary.  But now God is saying I will be living a life of utter joy.  And I can't wait to share it with the world.

January 9

I AM WITH YOU AND FOR YOU. When you decide on a course of action that is in line with My will, nothing in heaven or on earth can stop you. You may encounter many obstacles as you move toward your goal, but don't be discouraged--Never give up!  With My help, you can overcome any obstacle.  Do not expect an easy path as you journey hand in hand with Me, but do remember that I, your very present Helper, am omnipotent. 
Much, much stress stress results from your wanting to make things happen before their times have come.  One of the main ways I assert My sovreignty is in the timeing of events.  If you want to stay close to Me and do things My way, ask Me to show you the path forward moment by moment.  Instead of dashing headlong toward your goal, let Me set the pace.  Slow down, and enjoy the journey in My Presence.

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?
Romans 8:31

God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, Even though the earth be removed, And though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; Though its waters roar and be troubled, Though the mountains shake with its swelling.
Psalm 46: 1-3

For with God nothing will be impossible.
Luke 1: 37

Jesus Calling by Sarah Young

When God gives you a chance to say "yes!"

I wrote my personal constitution this year in my spiritual leadership class.  Six pages (could have been longer) of my life calling, life goals, and my values.  One of my values (that I guess could be considered a goal as well) is to persevere.  In detail, I never want to say no to something that I know God has said I should do.  I always said no to missions.  "Heck no," I'd laugh, or people would laugh if I ever brought it up.  "Teresa? In Mexico?"  Yeah.  so you see my hesitation.  Where I regret.  I regret saying no to the past.  But I made it a value to NEVER say no to God again.  Yeah.  Difficult.  Even when I know He has a much better plan than I do.  Figures, as soon as I make this a value God says to do something absolutely insane.  Go to Russia.  It took three days before it hit me that I was going.  I knew as soon as it was suggested to me that I was going.... but it took three days for me to be like.... okay.... Uhm, sure?  And now, weeks later, I am reading as fast as I can, filling out an endless amount of paperwork, making appointments, emails, phone calls.... and I'm not the least bit terrified.  I'm nervous, seeing as I have never lived anywhere but here.  I'm nervous because I've never left anyone behind. But financially, spiritually, mentally.... I'm like, Let's Do This!!  No more fear.  No more shock from people when I say I'm going to be a missionary.  I'm going into this more confident than ever. And it's because I said yes.  God makes a way when you are open to His plans, when you are willing to go out on a limb with Him.  So I'm on this limb and I'm jumping with Him.  And I can't wait.

A Christmas Miracle

I remember when I was young, just how magical Christmas was.  Santa by some miracle got my bike down a nonexistent chimney.  My family was whole.  I had never experienced loss, life, or a bad day.  Ten years down the road I saw all of that and way too much more.   Christmas turned to hell.
I can tell you just by looking at the "family photo" on Christmas what year it was.  The year my sister had spent beating me and dealing with a serious drug problem.  The year I starved myself and no one noticed.  The year half my family moved away. The year my parents were within a month from divorcing.  The year there wasn't a picture at all.... last year.
Years ago I decided that I hate Christmas.  Why?  Because as a child, Christmas was about family.  And I had none as a teen.  For a while it seemed.  I felt the feeling of loss more than any one in my family.  Took the brunt of the pain.  All in secret.  No one knows how I felt, and are possibly finding out right now.  I was broken. Lost. Confused.
And then there was God.  I had Him.  I had the people who loved Him and loved me with Him.  That was my escape.  That is where I hid last year.  I couldn't take the divorce, the hate, the struggle.  I couldn't figure out where I belonged.  So I disappeared into the Christmas Day church service, pretending I was whole and happy.  Few knew.  Few knew that I was struggling through one of the most difficult days of my life.
I spend every year building up to "the big day," Christmas.  I go all out with the lights, music, clothing, the entire Christmas spirit.  I love it.  But give me Christmas day and I'm cornered.  I hated it.  More than anything else in the entire world.  Because I had no one.  Not one single relative who wanted me.  Or that's how it played out in my mind.
But God had something else in mind this year.
My family, broken, confused, dealing with the most difficult of life struggles.... drugs, divorce, opposite sides of the world, single parenting, Cancer, heart surgeries.... my family somehow became a family this year.  Over the last year my little sister has become one of my best friends.... one reason why I went into Christmas day feeling okay.  My nieces lighting up any room they're in.... making Christmas happy.  And finding that I have not one.... but four places to call home.... made Christmas this year one of the best days of my life.  I spent the day in a rush most of the time... opening and running, eating and leaving, laughing and driving away.... but it was because I had family who wanted to see me and I wanted to be with them.  Because this year... Christmas meant so much more to me than hiding in a corner all alone again... it meant family.  It meant Christ.  It meant love from more people than I can keep track.  It meant Christmas.  And for the first time I feel like I'm six again.  Believing that it is totally possible to get a bike down the non existent chimney.  That it is okay to hope and believe that God is constantly working with me to connect with my family again.... That He is completely capable of anything.... this year it was a Christmas Miracle.

December 9

BE WILLING to go out on a limb with Me. If that is where I am leading you, it is the safest place to be. Your desire to live a risk-free life is a form of unbelief. Your longing to live close to Me is at odds with your attempt to minimize risk. You are approaching a crossroads in your journey. In order to follow Me wholeheartedly, you must relinquish your tendency to play it safe.
Let Me lead you step by step through this day. If your primary focus is on Me, you can walk along perilous paths without being afraid. Eventually, you will learn to relax and enjoy the adventure of our journey together. As long as you stay close to Me, My sovereign Presence Protects you wherever you go.
Psalm 23:4
Psalm 9:10
John 12:26
Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.

As someone who has probably never taken a real risk, this spoke volumes to me. I've always said, "no way!" "Are you crazy?" "Danger!" To anything that might be considered a risk. And here I am, possibly leaping across the ocean taking the biggest risk possibly ever in my life. I see growth in the sense that I am not afraid. I see growth that I am excited. I see growth that I wasn't even AFRAID to tell someone my thoughts and feelings about being a missionary. As someone who people say, "oh, she's in a weird mood! Let's do something risky!" I have to admit, this is far more risky than anything I could ever imagine. And I have no fear. When I read this devotion the other morning, I realized how much of my life I have put on hold out of fear, out of unbelief. I'm sure I will have regrets 5 years from now about something I should have done in college. But I will no longer sit here and do nothing. No. I wrote me personal constitution a few weeks ago and one of my life goals is to never regret anything. I never ever want to say no to God or give up on something He has given me the ability to do... No matter what. So. Here I am. Taking a risk. Saying YES to what I have been called to do. I want to be a missionary. At least for a little while. He knows where and how and all the details. So for now I will remain proactive and "keep working at it" as He told me to do yesterday. I'm beyond excited and I have no fear. Here I GO.

To Become A Missionary

I’m going to be the first to admit this (and many will after me), that Missions was not something I would have even considered an option a year ago.  But in retrospect, the last year of my life has gone through a miraculous transformation.  God has softened my heart to do something different, be different, get out of my comfort zone.  Missions.      

I remember when God told me that one day I would be a missionary. I just didn’t know it would be so soon. I ran a missions weekend in the Children’s Department in March of this year and turned the entire month of April into a missions focus.  My friend was in Africa on Missions and I decided to gather as many pairs of children’s shoes as I could to send to Bulembu in Swaziland.  We designated the entire month’s offering to missions and had guest speakers come and share about their missions experience.  I thought it would be fun for the kids to understand just what missions was, only to find out for myself that I was called to be a missionary.

 Less than a month later I made a commitment to go to Mexico on a missions trip. I was terrified before I left, only to find I had no reason to fear. I was so happy there. I struggled, I was pushed beyond my limits, and I missed home… but what I gained from that trip was a heart for the world.  I learned that life isn’t about my phone, how many people I can update on Facebook about my life, or about myself.  I learned that love is the key to anything.  With a language barrier beyond my control, all I could do was love and pray.  The connections I made with the people in Ensenada, Mexico are connections that are eternal.  Prayer opened up a world of transformation in my heart and gave me the ability to miraculously communicate with these people.  I was able to love without words.  I want to be back there right now, but I know that is not the place I am called to be.  I am called somewhere else.

The next step in my missionary walk is preparation to GO long term.  In order for me to GO, I need to attend missionary training through Foursquare Missions International.  In April 2013, I will embark on this training adventure with two weeks of intensive missions training.  I will be staying with fellow Missionary trainees who will deploy as early as next year or anytime in the future.  I will make connections with missionaries around the world, and gain Missionary knowledge beyond anything I have ever received before.  In order for me to take this trip, I will need to raise $1800.  This includes the cost of training, travel costs, and a few meals.  As an intern, saving funds is nearly impossible.  This is where I need the grace of God’s provision.  This is where you come in. 

In order for me to participate in this amazing opportunity, I am relying on support from my family and friends, prayerfully and financially.  If you are willing and able to give towards my missions training, Faith Center has a designated fund for you to give to.  You can give online at eurekafaithcenter.org and designate it toward International Missions, writing in “Teresa Repair- Missions Training” under special instructions, or write a check to Faith Center, designating the same thing in the memo and send it to Faith Center at 1032 Bay Street, Eureka, CA 95501.  I have confidence that God will provide for this amazing opportunity and I am so thankful to be given this chance to go further on my walk with God.  Thank you for investing in my future.

The Next Step

I'm not really sure where my life is going.  I see what I am doing now, but where is that taking me?  I don't think I want to be in ministry.... I think my Calling is kids, but not necessarily in a church.  Mom, teacher, nanny.... i don't really know.  I just know from this internship that this might just be a volunteer thing... teach a K-1 class on Sundays.... but as for career.... I don't think that is my Calling.  I thought it was.... but more and  more I am coming to find that I don't think that is what God wants.  I know for a fact with how life is going now that I am not meant to stay here in Eureka.  Yes, that terrifies me and sometimes I cry because I am going to miss my kids and people, but honestly, I don't think I am thriving here as a person or believer.  I have grown so much in the last year, it's astounding.  But I find now that growth isn't happening any longer.  My focus and dedication is now "get done and get out," rather than focusing on my current work week.  I haven't heard much from God about anything pertaining to my life lately, so I sit in wait.  Yes, impatiently (my human nature), but my time for Knowing will come.  And if it doesn't, then off to London I go next Fall.  If that isn't what God wants for me, then I know clarity will come.  I am ready for the next step in life.... which doesn't necessarily mean marriage.... though honestly, I'd be okay with that.... But I'm really okay if marriage or a man aren't in the next phase.  I know God has some man figured out.... so I won't fret.  Just because I find that it might be nice, doesn't mean I should search for him for the sake of convenience.  I want it the right way, the first time.  I've seen too much divorce in my life to see how the wrong relationship can go.  whether the next step be a nanny in London, or finishing up my double major at Simpson, or just working.  Honestly, I have no idea.  So for now, I will get back to my work as an intern, with my sights set on graduation on May 25.  Then.... well I guess we'll see.