Alive by Brothers McClurg
I was that kid. The one who didn't want to be around. I couldn't find use for myself, except as a waste of space. I didn't fit, I couldn't see where I belonged.
It's funny to me now as I look back and see how I suffered. I suffered because I could never quite see what was right in front of me.
I felt alone, beaten, ugly, unwanted. I had this vision in my head of how life would be like without me, how people would enjoy the space away from me. It's terrible to say I laugh at my stupidity and pain that I endured. It was true pain and I suffered tremendously. At fifteen years old I was suffering every single day from depression, self-hate, and stomach pains that never ceased from my constant hunger. But I think back at how much I suffered and realize that I didn't need to. God was right there, whether I accepted it or not. He considers me. Of all people, I am His. It took nearly 7 years for me to get that.
Consider the lilies of the field & notice how much more your heavenly father loves you. Matthew 6:28
As it turns out, I had a purpose. And yet, at sixteen and seventeen I dwelled on where I didn't fit. I found parties, I met guys... I never crossed too many lines because I constantly had the nagging feeling in the back of my mind with God telling me He cared for me. I could never get myself to truly "rebel." I made a million mistakes, but I was the farthest from rebellion in my school. I wore expensive clothes and pulled the "I'm better than you" act in high school. I pulled it off well, only to realize that after graduation no one cared. I was lost once again.
I threw my mind into college and athletics, killing myself with unhealthy choices and struggling to get through my parents soon to end marriage. I fell apart as my family split, leaving me alone while my sisters seemed to reject me. I watched my Dad find himself. I watched my Mom drive away. I blamed myself. It's been messy. Truth? I can't fix the broken, only God can. 2 years later I see it... then? I was the worst kid in the world. And then I watched my sister go through divorce and vowed to never get to that point in my life. Failure became my biggest fear.
And then it happened. I failed myself. The only person l had left was me... I had all but given up on God as my family fell apart and I lost it. I was heading down a very steep hill of destruction. For the first time I am putting this into words... I was planning to leave for a year on my own... I was scheduled to head to an eating disorder rehab center of sorts. I told no one in my family. I cried every day. I didn't want to be here, I didn't want the world to see me.
One day though, one day I just decided "no." For some reason I had this longing to fight for the first time in five years. What pulled me up? Who got me on my feet, swaying in a fighting position? The only thing I can say is that it is only possible that God picked me up, picked up my broken heart, and slowly started to put it back together.
I was back in school, struggling to stay afloat. I was volunteering at church. I was social. I ate. I kept it down. I had more than two friends, real friends... For the first time in a long time. Ones who I could tell the truth to. Leaders who kept me on track. No more lies, no more secrets.
I became an intern less than six months after my parents divorce... and in those two years, my relationship with God has been altered forever. I have my family to stand with, who I even talk to about God. Who I love and want to spend every minute with. Who I miss.
I have received my purpose. To Love. Because He first Loved us. I love my family. I love my friends. I love people. The plan is to go to Russia as soon as possible. If you told me this two and a half years ago I would have told you that would have to take a miracle. And I would be right. Because if I look back at where I was those two and a half years ago... at the end of my biggest struggles, I break. How the hell did I do that? I didn't. Simple as that. God had me, has me in the palm of His loving hands.
I say this as a testimony of sorts. But really I just wanted to tell people just how AMAZING My God is that He considers me, you, the world. I see what He has done for us, the forgiveness He has spread in the world, the sacrifice He has made for me, and I ask why. Oh, How He Loves....
I want to close with this... There is a light. And whether it be in a mentor, a family member, friend or in your own heart. Recognize that it is God and He will be the One to pull you out, He will help YOU overcome the world, just as He did. Take comfort in the fact that you are not alone.
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33
I was that kid. The one who didn't want to be around. I couldn't find use for myself, except as a waste of space. I didn't fit, I couldn't see where I belonged.
It's funny to me now as I look back and see how I suffered. I suffered because I could never quite see what was right in front of me.
I felt alone, beaten, ugly, unwanted. I had this vision in my head of how life would be like without me, how people would enjoy the space away from me. It's terrible to say I laugh at my stupidity and pain that I endured. It was true pain and I suffered tremendously. At fifteen years old I was suffering every single day from depression, self-hate, and stomach pains that never ceased from my constant hunger. But I think back at how much I suffered and realize that I didn't need to. God was right there, whether I accepted it or not. He considers me. Of all people, I am His. It took nearly 7 years for me to get that.
Consider the lilies of the field & notice how much more your heavenly father loves you. Matthew 6:28
As it turns out, I had a purpose. And yet, at sixteen and seventeen I dwelled on where I didn't fit. I found parties, I met guys... I never crossed too many lines because I constantly had the nagging feeling in the back of my mind with God telling me He cared for me. I could never get myself to truly "rebel." I made a million mistakes, but I was the farthest from rebellion in my school. I wore expensive clothes and pulled the "I'm better than you" act in high school. I pulled it off well, only to realize that after graduation no one cared. I was lost once again.
I threw my mind into college and athletics, killing myself with unhealthy choices and struggling to get through my parents soon to end marriage. I fell apart as my family split, leaving me alone while my sisters seemed to reject me. I watched my Dad find himself. I watched my Mom drive away. I blamed myself. It's been messy. Truth? I can't fix the broken, only God can. 2 years later I see it... then? I was the worst kid in the world. And then I watched my sister go through divorce and vowed to never get to that point in my life. Failure became my biggest fear.
And then it happened. I failed myself. The only person l had left was me... I had all but given up on God as my family fell apart and I lost it. I was heading down a very steep hill of destruction. For the first time I am putting this into words... I was planning to leave for a year on my own... I was scheduled to head to an eating disorder rehab center of sorts. I told no one in my family. I cried every day. I didn't want to be here, I didn't want the world to see me.
One day though, one day I just decided "no." For some reason I had this longing to fight for the first time in five years. What pulled me up? Who got me on my feet, swaying in a fighting position? The only thing I can say is that it is only possible that God picked me up, picked up my broken heart, and slowly started to put it back together.
I was back in school, struggling to stay afloat. I was volunteering at church. I was social. I ate. I kept it down. I had more than two friends, real friends... For the first time in a long time. Ones who I could tell the truth to. Leaders who kept me on track. No more lies, no more secrets.
I became an intern less than six months after my parents divorce... and in those two years, my relationship with God has been altered forever. I have my family to stand with, who I even talk to about God. Who I love and want to spend every minute with. Who I miss.
I have received my purpose. To Love. Because He first Loved us. I love my family. I love my friends. I love people. The plan is to go to Russia as soon as possible. If you told me this two and a half years ago I would have told you that would have to take a miracle. And I would be right. Because if I look back at where I was those two and a half years ago... at the end of my biggest struggles, I break. How the hell did I do that? I didn't. Simple as that. God had me, has me in the palm of His loving hands.
I say this as a testimony of sorts. But really I just wanted to tell people just how AMAZING My God is that He considers me, you, the world. I see what He has done for us, the forgiveness He has spread in the world, the sacrifice He has made for me, and I ask why. Oh, How He Loves....
I want to close with this... There is a light. And whether it be in a mentor, a family member, friend or in your own heart. Recognize that it is God and He will be the One to pull you out, He will help YOU overcome the world, just as He did. Take comfort in the fact that you are not alone.
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33
