A Year in Reflection

As I sit here with the (fake) tree glowing behind me, worship music easing its way into my ears, I reflect on this insane year. Full of melancholy and sorrow for losses, and joy and happiness for laughter and growth.  Tears form as I just think about the pain and hardships endured, but fear not, I find joy. Inspiration.  Love. Hope. And Peace. I find faith as I question my God who responds with tear filled eyes asking why I doubt. He has failed me not, though through troubled times it seems that way.  Though, here I am, finding joy and adoration in the little things. Best Friends. Real relationships. Coffee Dates. Dancing. Giggles. Happy babies and sick cuddling ones. Growth. Hot chocolate with just enough whip cream.  Though it seems I often let the hard things take away from these happy times. No host family.  Divorce. Rejection. Another divorce. Finances.  Stress.  Unforgiveness. Tears. Abandonment. Sickness. No sleep. Best Friends moving away. And that list could easily surpass the list of good things.  Because I am a pessimist.  But I noticed, I've grown. My pessimism (or lack of faith) has changed this year, become more positive. Slowly, but it's there.  I believe. I know the plans He has for me. Well, I have faith that He has plans for me.  And He looks at me with those adoring eyes as I begin to fully let Him in. As I begin to let Him truly form me to His expectations.  Though I falter, I know everyone does, and I know that He sees me trying.  So as I stumble, He picks me up, and says He is proud of me.  Maybe I've stepped away, but I always come back.  I speak His Word with Love and Care, He speaks through me. And if He trusts me enough to do that, then I can have the faith to do as He asks.  So in this year, as I look back at my hardships with my family falling apart, spending my first Christmas without either one of my parents, wishing things were stable and working, I cry in hope that my family will some day come to know the Lord.  Know I don't judge who they are. I accept them, I just cannot portray it. In this I am weak. But know that God is working in me to grow and change and love no matter what.  I look back at the struggles that I have endured in this year alone, and I find hope and freedom that I am still standing.  I am still standing in Him. And after this year, a year I will never forget, I will know, I can feel that He has had me wrapped in His Arms the whole time. All I have to do is hold on.

Hopelessness

So, I'm approaching this topic, again, only because I have a new perspective on it.  In Matt's message today, he repeated "keep hoping, keep anticipating." Here I am. Still host family less.  Still alone.  And my hope is basically gone.  At this point, I won't be coming back next term for the internship because I need to get a more substantial job to move out and rent an apartment.  I've hit desperation.  And if that means I have to give this up, then so be it.  I've told God that I need a home.  He knows.  I've hoped.  I've anticipated. For four months. Not to mention the twenty plus years of what I would only describe as the loneliest life on the planet.  I have friends.  Cool.  Love. That's amazing.  But hey, they go home. To a family. Who loves them.  Accepts them.  Of which I am currently an outcast and am not welcomed. You'd think I'd feel loved, accepted. But no, my beliefs have become rejected. Mocked. Ridiculed. To the point of tears. Every night. My niece isn't allowed to talk to me. I'm treated like trash. I have no food. No money. My emotions are everywhere.I am completely alone except I have God with me.  That is enough.  Except when I am cut down to the point of tears every night.  I can't leave my room.  I have no food.  I feel hated.  And I'm attacked by my sister's friends who don't accept any part of who I am.  So.  You see why I have hit hopelessness??  Keep hoping.  Keep anticipating. How am I supposed to do that when I have nothing to hope for? Nothing.  Here I am. Rejected for the very belief that has made my life amazing. And yet, it seems to be destroying it all the same. 

MY BEST FRIEND IS HOME!!!

So, you picture that moment when your best friend, who has been gone since August, the longest you've ever been apart, for college, comes home.  You picture that tackle hug and squeeling and giggles and counting down until that moment??
Yeah. I did that.  But guess what? She decided to mess with my head.

Here I am, puking in the middle of class as I nervously await to give my sermon (manuscript posted below) and I come to find out that I am, yes, you got it, last. I wanted to punch my teacher (and friend) straight in the face as he laughed at me and responded yes to my dreaded "please don't tell me I am last!" Come to find out, my Best Friend, who also happens to be friends with Matt and Heidi, called ahead of time and intentionally made me last.  So here I am, two people left before me and I hear Amanda to my left say "Amy's Here." All calm and collected.  I turn my head because I swear I heard her wrong. What? "Amy's here" she says again, but this time she points to a familiar face in the corner of the room. I yeall NO WAY!! Across the room and burst in to tears.  Poor Jasmine. She is just about to give my sermon and I am bawling in the back of the room.  I walk out and eventually Amy follows.  Now you can picture that moment. You know, the one I posted in the beginning? Except add a little "You lied to me!" and "I had to hear your sermon!" and a text from my Kelsey saying she would be there but she is sick and has known about this for weeks! Okay, I'll get over the fact that they all kept this secret from me for weeks, because that was the BEST SURPISE EVER!!!!!! Okay, I'm over it. Because guess what? I am going over to her house to have our Cuddle Corn Fest. Tonight.  Yes! You heard me right... Cuddle Corn Fest.  The Fab. 4 (Amy, Tia, Kelsey, Myself) will be reunited tonight!! I named us that.  Not Copyright allowed. Anyway, I have to get to work.  I just wanted the whole world to  know...
My Best Friend is Home :)

Sermon Manuscript

People have been asking, here is my first sermon.  I added some improptu jokes and personal comments that are not written in, but here is the jist :)

Late one night, about two weeks ago, I was praying.  I was confused and lost as I was trying to write this sermon. I’d been at a road block for about a week when I finally cracked.  I cried and asked God why He wasn’t helping me.  In a fit of hope, I grabbed my Bible that I had tossed to the side in anger. I was fidgeting with my Bible as I looked up in some ridiculous attempt to hear God’s voice.  I finally closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and said “okay, I’m ready to listen.” I looked down at my Bible to begin looking for some sort of inspiration.  On the page that I had “randomly” turned to as I was fidgeting with my Bible, were two verses. Highlighted was Matthew 7:7, which said, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” Funny right? Okay. So I had asked for help in this panic that my sermon was due in two weeks.  Now, what would this help be?  Well, the second verse was underlined. Matthew 6:34 which says, “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”  Clearly, I was panicking more than necessary.  So I closed my Bible and slept very peacefully that night.  I woke up the next morning with fresh ideas and a clear understanding.  God was helping me. I had been in prayer through the whole process of my sermon, but I wasn’t in the Word. And God’s Word is the key to anything in life.  It’s funny really, because I wrote this sermon on Psalm 119, which is all about living in God’s Word.               

So, did you know, that not only is Psalm 119 the longest chapter in the Psalms but it also happens to be the longest in the Bible?  It focuses on God’s word. Loving it, following it, living it. Do you think that maybe, since it is so long and all about the Bible, that maybe, just possibly, reading your Bible might be important?   And since class is only a few hours long, I thought I’d save us all and only explain a portion of it.  Psalm 119:1 says “Blessed are those whose way are blameless, who walk according to the law of the Lord.” In other words, a happy and fabulous life is centered on God’s Word.  When God is the focal point in your life, you will know, because His blessings will be everywhere.

Moving to verses 9 and 10, the chapter continues to say this: How can a young person stay on the path of purity? By living according to your word. I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands.  How do you remain pure? By living according to God’s Word. Not only will God’s Word keep you in check but it will guide you to know right from wrong.  Seek God with all your heart and His commands will become easier for you to follow.  It will become like a second nature.

Verses 11 through 13 continue to say, I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.  Praise be to you, LORD; teach me your decrees. With my lips I recount all the laws that come from your mouth. How do you not sin against the Lord? By keeping God’s Word in your heart. Like I said, it becomes a second nature to follow God’s decrees.  In my Theology classes these last two semesters, we focused a lot in knowing Theology for “coffee shop” conversations.  In other words, we want to be prepared for those questions that people ask that in normal circumstances, we wouldn’t normally know off the top of our heads.  We learn about scripture and Theology so we can be ready for those “coffee shop” conversations in the car, at work, or wherever it may come up.  We study God’s Word to prepare ourselves to speak in to people’s life as well as defend whatever misconception someone may have about the Bible.  Memorizing Scripture is like a weapon. It fights for you and protects you.   Keep His word safe in your hearts.

We continue in verses 14 through 16 to read, I rejoice in following your statutes as one rejoices in great riches.  I meditate on your precepts and consider your ways.  I delight in your decrees; I will not neglect your word.  We must not neglect His word. His Statutes (laws) are there to protect us.  It’s a weird concept to think about, loving rules, but when you look at it, the benefits are apparent.  This is kind of a complicated concept to grasp so I have an example.  I have these friends, my mentor and her husband .  They have been married for just over two years and have been together for 5 years or so.  As believers, they met young.  They made vows to remain pure until marriage.  No it wasn’t always easy, but they did make it to their wedding night.  They did it because the Bible tells you to wait for marriage and they felt it necessary and rewarding to follow this command.  Again, it is never easy to follow rules such as this but the reward for it is amazing.  They can both say that they have only been with each other and their relationship with the Lord has strengthened because of this choice.  Another example would be Matt and Heidi. They moved here from Seattle, WA almost two years ago because God called them here.  We hear all the time about their kids being back in Washington without them, and it isn’t easy to leave them behind, but they talk non-stop about the blessings that they have received by coming here. That is what this section of scripture means by I rejoice in following your statutes as one rejoices in great riches.  Rejoice in the decrees He has given us. Do not ignore them. Do not reject them. No matter how hard you want to resist.  Read your Bible daily to understand who God is and what plans He has for you.  Like I said, it benefits us most when we follow these decrees, statutes, and precepts.  God uses our obedience for good.  By the way, Heidi gave me permission to use you as an example.

Skipping ahead a little to Psalm 119:30, we read, I have chosen the way of faithfulness; I have set my heart on your laws.  God’s Word is the truth. 

I became a Christian at fifteen years old.  I set my heart on God’s word and refused to go back to living of this world.  It’s never been easy, with all the people and temptations in the world, but I have leaned on God’s Word and have prospered for it.  God’s Word, Laws, Truths, and Promises are what have gotten me through these last five years. Scripture is the one thing I can go to when I am not sure what God has wanted of me. When I first became a believer, my Bible is what taught me how to live my life. Romans 12:2 led me away from the patterns of this world and onto a path toward God’s Plans.  When I struggled with self-esteem and feeling loved, God showed my Isaiah 54:10, and I began to understand God’s unfailing love for me.  When I started questioning my future, I began seeing Jeremiah 29:11 everywhere I went. My confidence in God grew as he revealed those plans to prosper me.  As I have grown as a believer. I’ve noticed the importance of God’s Word and how it essential to lean on His truth at all times.

Psalm 119:45-47 says, I will walk about in freedom, for I have sought out your precepts.

 I will speak of your statutes before kings and will not be put to shame, for I delight in your commands    because I love them.  We will have freedom in God’s Laws. God has set us free from sin. He has shown us in His Word how to live free from the stronghold of sin.  His laws will show us how to live a life for Christ without all the burdens of the struggles of this world.  Follow these precepts and you will find freedom in His commands.  Romans 8 verses 1 and 2 say, Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,  because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.  We are set free from sin and death.  All you have to do is seek God’s Word.  Talk about His word without shame to whoever will listen. Speak about His Word respectfully and in the right time and they will hear you.  Speak about God’s Word in love and compassion.  Delight in these commands.  Respect them. Live them out and you will be a light to the world.

Continuing on in Psalm 119, verse 165 says, Great peace have those who love your law, and nothing can make them stumble. Those who love the law will have peace.  Those who love God’s Law and follow it will not stumble.  Have you ever had a time in your life where things have felt out of control? Maybe in finances, stress, family, friends, divorce, or maybe the death of someone close?  Maybe you know someone else who is dealing with a difficult situation. Maybe that is happening for you now. I encourage you to pray about it. Pray for your friend. Seek out God’s Word.  Ask what you can do, where you can help. Ask God where He can help. I also strongly encourage you to seek God’s Word daily. Refresh your Spirit daily in His Word. Because as 1 Timothy 4:13 says, “Until I come, devote yourself to the public reading of Scripture, to preaching and to teaching.”   

Don’t be discouraged if your prayers aren’t immediately answered, as Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” The LORD declares that he has plans for you.  Lean on His truth and Word, and he will reward you greatly.

Pray

Christmas Joy

So right now I am laying on my favorite couch at the Lemmon house, with my "Worship and Praise" Pandora Station, blogging by the light of the Christmas tree under an electric blanket, and all I can think about is how blessed I am. There is something different about Christmas this year. My family has been ripped apart this year, and I honestly don't think there will be a Christmas at my house. As much as I am saddened by this, I feel joy. Not for the pain of divorces and segregation, and certainly not from the rejection I have now begun to receive, but for what I do have. It's weird that I'm not looking at the negative side, I am usually a pessimist, but I feel like God has change my heart, at least toward the holidays. Naturally I am not a Christmas fan, the family aspect of it. It was amazing and happy as a kid, but as a teenager, all I remember is sorrow, sadness, and last year, my father crying. My precious father in tears because things were so bad last year. And I still cry from that memory. But right now, I keep staring at this beautiful Christmas tree, as I did at the Kencke's the other night, and I find joy. Joy in the change in myself. Joy in Christmas music. Joy in the many cups of nonfat hot chocolate and hot cider that I wouldn't normally indulge in. Joy in my best friends. Joy in giggling in Starbucks about cute boys, the future, and God spoken relationships. Joy in Bible studies whether required or for fun. Joy in late night phone calls whether happy, stressed, or tear-filled, because the person on the other line is my best friend, sister, and most amazing friend in the world (i have two of them, an no, yours can beat mine!) Joy in constant worship music. Joy in my adopted little brothers ad sisters. Joy in cookie baking with Emilynn and Brooklyn, dance parties, cuddling, kisses, and prayers before bed. Jesus Loves Me with my niece. Dance recitals and smiles on M's face when I tell her we plan on having a girls day with her "twin". Kids and their parents calling me "Tuh-Tuh" (a name I hold dear) as they run up and hug me. Joy in the families who have invited me over for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Joy for helping decorate people's Christmas trees and getting Christmas cards. Joy for the overwhelming smell of Christmas trees and my need for constant "Country Christmas" on Pandora. Joy of what my summer away may hold. Joy that two of my favorite people in the world will be home this weekend and reuniting with my adopted family. Joy in Christmas lights and excitement about having a family at the church to worship and love on Christmas morning. As well ad the traditional Strombeck family afternoon Christmas. I have so much joy that it overwhelms me. There have been times where I have to tell God to slow down because it makes me so happy that I cry. Like right now. Haha. As "enough" plays on my Pandora all I can do is nod my head and believe it. I am exhausted and stressed out and writing sermons and preaching and taking finals, but it seems that every night for the last week God has given me this "joy session" even if it Is just a few minutes. I won't say that it will stay this way after Christmas, because I am pretty sure that will be a very difficult day, so for now I will call it Christmas Joy. And all I can say is Thank you, Lord.

My Devotion Manuscript

For those who want to read my devotion, here it is.
          

             There’s this girl I know. She grew up in a big family. Very Typical. Very Busy.  She grew up outside of the church with a faint idea of who Jesus was.  As a teenager, she attended youth group and became a believer.  Her family rejected this new life of hers, finding the Bible to be stupid and following God to be pointless.  When she became a believer she was at rock bottom.  Battling multiple eating disorders, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts and attempts, cutting, and she’d drink.  She was 15 years old.  She had no one she trusted and her family wasn’t there for her.  She wanted things to change.  That is when she discovered the love of Christ and put her life in God’s hands.  She had faith that He would help her. That’s what I want to talk about today, the power of faith, especially through the hard times. 

                The verses I want to talk about come from 1 Peter chapter 1. They were written by Peter to comfort those struggling through trials, encouraging them to have faith while they are working through them.

                1 Peter 1: 6-7 says, In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.

                Don’t just rejoice, but greatly rejoice.  Why? Because Christ will be revealed through your trials.  Your faith will grow.  The footnotes in my Bible say “such trials do not create faith; they reveal what is already there.” The verse says that your faith is greater worth than gold.  In those times gold was the most precious of metals. It perished in fire, but your faith does not.  Trials are temporary. You will get through your trials with Jesus there to help you. Through that process your faith will be refined and proved genuine.

                Peter continues on in verses 8 and 9 to say, Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

                We are saved. Forgiven. Sins forgotten. And as if that weren’t enough, Jesus is with us through our trials, to the point where we are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy.  Like verse 8 says, though you have not seen him, you love him. Faith. Even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy. That’s Faith.  Have faith and you are saved.  Have faith and you will get through it.  Have Faith. Jesus dies for your sins, He isn’t going to leave you now.

                Mother Teresa said, “God will never, never let us down if we have faith and put our trust in Him.  He will always look after us.”

                So. About this girl I was talking about earlier.  Though she struggled to find happiness, she did indeed find it.  She found a church to call home.  She found a family in that church where she got very involved. She is healthy and making the right choices. She chose to live God’s way and found happiness in His plan with her life.  She is going to become a Children’s Pastor.  Though things are far from perfect, she has had faith that God will help her through it.  How do I know this, you ask? That girl? She’s me.