The Next Step

I'm not really sure where my life is going.  I see what I am doing now, but where is that taking me?  I don't think I want to be in ministry.... I think my Calling is kids, but not necessarily in a church.  Mom, teacher, nanny.... i don't really know.  I just know from this internship that this might just be a volunteer thing... teach a K-1 class on Sundays.... but as for career.... I don't think that is my Calling.  I thought it was.... but more and  more I am coming to find that I don't think that is what God wants.  I know for a fact with how life is going now that I am not meant to stay here in Eureka.  Yes, that terrifies me and sometimes I cry because I am going to miss my kids and people, but honestly, I don't think I am thriving here as a person or believer.  I have grown so much in the last year, it's astounding.  But I find now that growth isn't happening any longer.  My focus and dedication is now "get done and get out," rather than focusing on my current work week.  I haven't heard much from God about anything pertaining to my life lately, so I sit in wait.  Yes, impatiently (my human nature), but my time for Knowing will come.  And if it doesn't, then off to London I go next Fall.  If that isn't what God wants for me, then I know clarity will come.  I am ready for the next step in life.... which doesn't necessarily mean marriage.... though honestly, I'd be okay with that.... But I'm really okay if marriage or a man aren't in the next phase.  I know God has some man figured out.... so I won't fret.  Just because I find that it might be nice, doesn't mean I should search for him for the sake of convenience.  I want it the right way, the first time.  I've seen too much divorce in my life to see how the wrong relationship can go.  whether the next step be a nanny in London, or finishing up my double major at Simpson, or just working.  Honestly, I have no idea.  So for now, I will get back to my work as an intern, with my sights set on graduation on May 25.  Then.... well I guess we'll see.

A Day of Love

I haven't had a lot of positive days in the last few weeks.  My Grandpa was diagnosed with an agressive lung cancer two weeks ago which could have already spread to his brain (we find out Friday). My other Grandad has decided to give up on life and doesn't think he'll make it until Christmas.  My sister is back to her old habits from before rehab. Drugs. Alcohol.  She is stealing from my sisters and my Dad, and she lives in the same house with both my nieces, which I'm not comfortable with.  It's been an emotional whirlwind with the Kids Karnival, midterms, papers, constant travelling, sickness, rehearsal, interning, and stress.  So as you can imagine, I have been struggling.  Yesterday the reality of my life hit me and I broke down.  I'm angry.  I'm hurt.  I'm sick.  I'm exhausted.  I can't lose my family.  I just got them back.  God, WHY?!
Yesterday was a struggle. And today... today I woke up exhausted, dizzy, and discouraged once again.  But as I listen to worship music and read my Bible, I'm encouraged.  Yes, I am still on the brink of tears at all times, but I feel like there is a shield protecting me. A shield of Love.  God is holding on to me.  I tried to run and He caught me, He's cradling me.  I tried to give up.  He told me "No," and grabbed on.  I'm safe.  I'm warm.  I'm loved.  I feel it.  Especially today.

"Whatever you're facing, you don't have to go through it alone."  Joyce Meyer

October 28

DO NOT EXPECT to be treated fairly in this life. People will say and do hurtful things to you, things you don't deserve. When someone mistreats you, try to view it as an opportunity to grow in grace. See how quickly up can forgive the one who has wounded you. Don't be concerned about setting the record straight. Instead of obsessing about other people's opinions of you, keep your focus on Me. Ultimately, it is My view of you that counts.
As you concentrate on relating to Me, remember that I have clothed you in My righteousness and holiness. I see you attired in these radiant garments, which I bought for you with My blood. This also is not fair; it is pure gift. When others treat you unfairly, remember that My ways with you are much better than fair. My ways are Peace and Love, which I have pored out into your heart by My Spirit,

Colossians 3:13; Isaiah 61:10; Ephesians 1:7-8; Romans 5:5

Jesus Calling by Sarah Young