Saturday, November 26, 2011
Joy
So. I'm not one to admit when God slaps me in the face but tonight it was like I got punched. I wouldn't say my life is amazing. I'd say it has been good. I would also say it's been bad. It depends on how I look at it. Matt said tonight that Facts plus Perspective equals Reality. I'd say my perspective has been a little off lately. I have a lot going on with family and things outside of my control happening around me, and I seem to dwell on those negative things. Those facts plus a negative perspective equals a dreadful reality. On top of that, Amy has been drilling into my pessimistic brain to focus on the positive. Have joy in all I do. Or At least find it in the little things.I dwell on the negative a lot of times and don't focus on what God has put right in front of my face. Hello. And of course, I ignored my Best Friend. Stubborn. And then God punched me in the face tonight. He pointed out all of the good things in my life and how I am was completely acting like those good things are completely void. I need to find joy in my life. I'm going to start texting my joys to Amy. I'm going to force myself to focus on the positive. The negatives are going to eat me alive. So here I am. On my blog. Declaring in some corn fest (corny) blog that I will be more optimistic. I will find joy in every day. I will focus on the good that God has provided. He has given me more than I could ever ask for. Even though I see things I think I need, He has given me enough. And enough is all I need. There is joy in enough.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Thankfulness
I should be asleep. But I went to the cemetery and got a late night phone call before I got to sit (lay) down and type this on my iPod (so excuse the edits)
Tonight at FUSION we talked about being thankful. I wasn't going to speak, but as usual, I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I've come to realize that lately I have been a terribly pessimistic person and don't often look at the positive things in life. Yeah. The negatives are slightly overpowering as I battle my first major bout of burnout and sickness. But tonight. God showed me the good in life. Who and what I am thankful for. So here goes.
I'm thankful for people. In my life, I value relationships (and sleep) more than anything else. People are very important to me. So is having support. And right now, I'm not experiencing a lot of support from my family (except my Dad). It is something i've come to expect. Which is something I have had to give to God and struggle with greatly. But He has given me my own family. Mentors. Best friends. Grandparents. Crazy aunts. Hysterical uncles. Little sisters. Big brothers. Supportive parents. All in Christ. All with experiences to learn from. Funny stories to tell our kids and future spouses. Lectures that I am more than grateful to accept (not that I intentionally earn them). Trust. Cooking lessons. Walks. Giggling and squealing about tv shows and future husbands. Fake web shows. Giggles. Crabbiness. The good. The bad. Unconditional love. Far from perfection. But they see something in me. They believe in me. Something I wasn't able to do until recently. There is something comforting about talking with one of my friends/mentors and coming to find out that they talked with someone else to help my well being. I had my doubts in starting the internship. But here I am. God put them there to answer my absolutely terrified and ridiculous questions on whether or not I should do it. While I've gone through these last 14 weeks without a host family I have found nothing but their blessings everywhere I go. I wouldn't be where I am and I thank God for these people every day.
The internship is something else I am thankful for. Not that I adore doing facilities or losing a lot of sleep or sitting in meetings that I don't quite understand. But In the grand scheme of it all, I see where my life has had an insane amount of growth. I may not feel different. But if I were to write out how I responded to a specific situation 9 months ago and then have the same thing happen now, I would have a completely different reaction. That's very vague but details are not really important here. I see how the choices I made had major consequences and I see how I should have responded now. And that's progress to me. I wrote about how I've progressed spiritually a couple of posts ago, and that alone needs it's own post. I see the blessings I have received, and even though financially I may not be doing very well, I know I will be okay. I have now 2 host family options that have come to be and I will be moving sometime in the next 2 weeks, depending on what works and what doesn't. I am terrified but I know God has a family for me. Somewhere I belong.
I'm going to break a rule of mine and use 2 specific names of people. I have about 30 people I could list but I fear that I might leave someone out and hurt their feelings. I am thankful for Amy Kae. We've both been very busy lately so we haven't been able to talk on the phone much. But she texts me every day. She always asks me to send her a joy from my day. I haven't been the most optimistic person and she refuses to let me be a Debbie Downer. She demands that I send her at least one joy a day. I refused at first, insisting that I was having really bad days. I was annoyed because she told me I had to do it, and I'm not one to respond positively to being told I have to do something. Over the last week I have slowly begun to give in to her demands that I used to find annoying. She told me that when she gets a text from me that's a joy. Or when Kelsey sends her Bible verses (frequently) she has joy in that. She showed me that joy doesn't mean my entire day has to be amazing. Find it in the small things. And now that I have given in to my stubborn antics I am starting to find more joys in my day. Even though she's 2 states away, has a very busy life, and is in her first semester of college, she still finds time to be my best friend. She isn't afraid to yell and tell me I am being stupid and that I need to give her these messages that I used to find to be so annoying. She may be far away but she isn't giving up on me. And for this, I'm thankful. my others person would be miss Kelsey Lynn. I've known her longer than Amy and yet we seem to have become friends and grown really close over that last like... 6 months? If that. She knows all and sees all. She knows me better than I know myself and vice versa. We have fun when we hang out whether having coffee, watching ridiculously addicting tv shows, or when one of us shows up at the others house. We talk about everything from absolutely hysterical to deathly serious. We laugh, we cry, we cry because we laugh. She feeds me and gives me clothes that I adore. We are ridiculously similar, minus the fact that my voice carries way farther than hers. She has been my saving grace these last few months. She was sort of my Spiritual guide when I was at the most confusing point of my life. She showed me God. And now we walk together. Physically and Spiritually. It's nice to have someone who is literally in the exact same place in their life as I am. I help her technologically challenged brain while she helps me stay sane. For this, I am thankful.
This post is way too long and I'm exhausted. But I can't end my blog without saying I am thankful for God!! I mean, He is the reason I am here right now. He is my strength. My salvation. My Best Friend. He loves me. And I think I take Him for granted a lot. I make Him smaller because I fear or get hurt by someone. But I know He is much bigger than anyone or anything in this life. I just need to recognize and reassure myself that He has never left me. Never will never forsake me. He will never leave me, abandon me, disappoint me. He will provide. I know this because He has kept me alive and safe. He was blessed me when I don't deserve it. Loved me when I have hated myself. Given me strength that I can't even explain. And for Him, for His Love, I am thankful.
Tonight at FUSION we talked about being thankful. I wasn't going to speak, but as usual, I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I've come to realize that lately I have been a terribly pessimistic person and don't often look at the positive things in life. Yeah. The negatives are slightly overpowering as I battle my first major bout of burnout and sickness. But tonight. God showed me the good in life. Who and what I am thankful for. So here goes.
I'm thankful for people. In my life, I value relationships (and sleep) more than anything else. People are very important to me. So is having support. And right now, I'm not experiencing a lot of support from my family (except my Dad). It is something i've come to expect. Which is something I have had to give to God and struggle with greatly. But He has given me my own family. Mentors. Best friends. Grandparents. Crazy aunts. Hysterical uncles. Little sisters. Big brothers. Supportive parents. All in Christ. All with experiences to learn from. Funny stories to tell our kids and future spouses. Lectures that I am more than grateful to accept (not that I intentionally earn them). Trust. Cooking lessons. Walks. Giggling and squealing about tv shows and future husbands. Fake web shows. Giggles. Crabbiness. The good. The bad. Unconditional love. Far from perfection. But they see something in me. They believe in me. Something I wasn't able to do until recently. There is something comforting about talking with one of my friends/mentors and coming to find out that they talked with someone else to help my well being. I had my doubts in starting the internship. But here I am. God put them there to answer my absolutely terrified and ridiculous questions on whether or not I should do it. While I've gone through these last 14 weeks without a host family I have found nothing but their blessings everywhere I go. I wouldn't be where I am and I thank God for these people every day.
The internship is something else I am thankful for. Not that I adore doing facilities or losing a lot of sleep or sitting in meetings that I don't quite understand. But In the grand scheme of it all, I see where my life has had an insane amount of growth. I may not feel different. But if I were to write out how I responded to a specific situation 9 months ago and then have the same thing happen now, I would have a completely different reaction. That's very vague but details are not really important here. I see how the choices I made had major consequences and I see how I should have responded now. And that's progress to me. I wrote about how I've progressed spiritually a couple of posts ago, and that alone needs it's own post. I see the blessings I have received, and even though financially I may not be doing very well, I know I will be okay. I have now 2 host family options that have come to be and I will be moving sometime in the next 2 weeks, depending on what works and what doesn't. I am terrified but I know God has a family for me. Somewhere I belong.
I'm going to break a rule of mine and use 2 specific names of people. I have about 30 people I could list but I fear that I might leave someone out and hurt their feelings. I am thankful for Amy Kae. We've both been very busy lately so we haven't been able to talk on the phone much. But she texts me every day. She always asks me to send her a joy from my day. I haven't been the most optimistic person and she refuses to let me be a Debbie Downer. She demands that I send her at least one joy a day. I refused at first, insisting that I was having really bad days. I was annoyed because she told me I had to do it, and I'm not one to respond positively to being told I have to do something. Over the last week I have slowly begun to give in to her demands that I used to find annoying. She told me that when she gets a text from me that's a joy. Or when Kelsey sends her Bible verses (frequently) she has joy in that. She showed me that joy doesn't mean my entire day has to be amazing. Find it in the small things. And now that I have given in to my stubborn antics I am starting to find more joys in my day. Even though she's 2 states away, has a very busy life, and is in her first semester of college, she still finds time to be my best friend. She isn't afraid to yell and tell me I am being stupid and that I need to give her these messages that I used to find to be so annoying. She may be far away but she isn't giving up on me. And for this, I'm thankful. my others person would be miss Kelsey Lynn. I've known her longer than Amy and yet we seem to have become friends and grown really close over that last like... 6 months? If that. She knows all and sees all. She knows me better than I know myself and vice versa. We have fun when we hang out whether having coffee, watching ridiculously addicting tv shows, or when one of us shows up at the others house. We talk about everything from absolutely hysterical to deathly serious. We laugh, we cry, we cry because we laugh. She feeds me and gives me clothes that I adore. We are ridiculously similar, minus the fact that my voice carries way farther than hers. She has been my saving grace these last few months. She was sort of my Spiritual guide when I was at the most confusing point of my life. She showed me God. And now we walk together. Physically and Spiritually. It's nice to have someone who is literally in the exact same place in their life as I am. I help her technologically challenged brain while she helps me stay sane. For this, I am thankful.
This post is way too long and I'm exhausted. But I can't end my blog without saying I am thankful for God!! I mean, He is the reason I am here right now. He is my strength. My salvation. My Best Friend. He loves me. And I think I take Him for granted a lot. I make Him smaller because I fear or get hurt by someone. But I know He is much bigger than anyone or anything in this life. I just need to recognize and reassure myself that He has never left me. Never will never forsake me. He will never leave me, abandon me, disappoint me. He will provide. I know this because He has kept me alive and safe. He was blessed me when I don't deserve it. Loved me when I have hated myself. Given me strength that I can't even explain. And for Him, for His Love, I am thankful.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Change. Yet Again.
So. I have a host family offer. Yeah. Okay. I'm freaking out a little. There are things that need to be worked out. Conversations to be had. Praying to be done. And possibly crying. I mean, let's be honest here, I'm freaking terrified. There is a possibility to move into this home. 3 small children. Very nice people. And yet. I have this fear? Whaaaaat is the deal here? I live in a home where I have no food. No money (well, there's money, just not for me). No support (unless my Dad calls). 2 divorces. Custody issues. Drugs. And a pregnant sister who just moved back in. And I'm afraid to leave. That sounds stupid.
But really, I feel logical in some of the fear. Rules? What the heck are those? Curfew? Oh, I have one with the internship. But no one notices when I come home late. Structure and Boundaries? I have no idea what any of that is. I've never had them. I told my Dad the rules of the internship when I told him I was doing it, and he asked why I needed rules. I didn't have any growing up. Besides clean my room. I did that anyway. What if I screw it up? What if I can't do it? I don't freaking know how. Drastic change. HUGE adjustment. I can't be that good at it. Yeah. Yeah. I need to shut up. Quit doubting myself. I hear people now. But I don't do failure. I fail and that's it for me. I quit. I hate that part about me, and I'm working on it. But I'd rather not set myself up for failure.
But really, I feel logical in some of the fear. Rules? What the heck are those? Curfew? Oh, I have one with the internship. But no one notices when I come home late. Structure and Boundaries? I have no idea what any of that is. I've never had them. I told my Dad the rules of the internship when I told him I was doing it, and he asked why I needed rules. I didn't have any growing up. Besides clean my room. I did that anyway. What if I screw it up? What if I can't do it? I don't freaking know how. Drastic change. HUGE adjustment. I can't be that good at it. Yeah. Yeah. I need to shut up. Quit doubting myself. I hear people now. But I don't do failure. I fail and that's it for me. I quit. I hate that part about me, and I'm working on it. But I'd rather not set myself up for failure.
Growing
This is one of two posts today. One for Rachel, one for myself. I need to post a blog about how the intership has changed me and so this is what I am doing.
14 weeks. That's how long I have been an intern at Faith Center. My home away from home. I was wondering when I would change. When I would grow. Why hadn't it started yet?
And then, I was talking to Misty a few weeks ago. I told her I wanted to grow. And somehow our conversation morphed into relationships. Once I got to talking (typing) about what I wanted out of a relationship (friendship and husband) she pointed out something. I had grown. I thought this woman was nuts. But I went back to read what I had said (thank goodness for technology) and I noticed that my entire perspective on relationships had changed. I found a friend I fully and completely trust with absolutely every part of my being. And now I understand how real friendships are supposed to work. It isn't that I didn't understand before, and it isn't like I didn't have those friends before, but I just feel like, even though they don't intend it, I was always judged or looked down on. And I don't feel that way now. I understnad how friends should make you feel. Trusting. Not hesitant. Good. Not bad. Important. Not shoved away. Smart. Not like a complete idiot. As for the husband. I wouldn't say I've had unhealthy relationships. I'd just say that there weren't ever relationships that we talked. Or went out. I never felt good about them. Which explains why they were so short. But now I fully understand God's plan. His purpose for me. Boundaries. How I should feel about my future husband. How he should feel. The importance of talking. All of that. I'd say that I got that idea from watching what not to do with my parents who got divorced 6 months ago, but that I was ALL God.
What else. Oh. Hey. I can pray. In front of people. Only if you don't tell me I have to. I hate that. And I refuse whenever that happens. I wouldn't say I'm confident. Or anywhere near comfortable. But I practice whenever the chance arises. Unless I'm tired or in a bad mood. It's terrible that it takes me being in a good mood and on my own accord to do it, but I'm progressing people. Considering I bawled my eyes out the first time I lead Bible Study because I was so terrified, shows progress.
Hmm. Oh. Well. I receved my prayer language. No big deal. HA Except it happened when I told God I had no more strength. And then HELLO. I have no idea what I said but I felt so much better after laying in bed crying for hours. I looked up this word that I kept saying over and over again and it is Portuguese for "steps." Take one step at a time? maybe. I have no idea. But yes. Holy Spirit. HELLO.
Uhm. What else. I'm not very cohearant today, so maybe this was a bad day to write. But it's what I've got. i can't think of much else. Now that I feel like I am bragging about myself, I'd just like to say, This is all because of God. Not me. So Praise God. I'm falling asleep. I need to stop typing.
14 weeks. That's how long I have been an intern at Faith Center. My home away from home. I was wondering when I would change. When I would grow. Why hadn't it started yet?
And then, I was talking to Misty a few weeks ago. I told her I wanted to grow. And somehow our conversation morphed into relationships. Once I got to talking (typing) about what I wanted out of a relationship (friendship and husband) she pointed out something. I had grown. I thought this woman was nuts. But I went back to read what I had said (thank goodness for technology) and I noticed that my entire perspective on relationships had changed. I found a friend I fully and completely trust with absolutely every part of my being. And now I understand how real friendships are supposed to work. It isn't that I didn't understand before, and it isn't like I didn't have those friends before, but I just feel like, even though they don't intend it, I was always judged or looked down on. And I don't feel that way now. I understnad how friends should make you feel. Trusting. Not hesitant. Good. Not bad. Important. Not shoved away. Smart. Not like a complete idiot. As for the husband. I wouldn't say I've had unhealthy relationships. I'd just say that there weren't ever relationships that we talked. Or went out. I never felt good about them. Which explains why they were so short. But now I fully understand God's plan. His purpose for me. Boundaries. How I should feel about my future husband. How he should feel. The importance of talking. All of that. I'd say that I got that idea from watching what not to do with my parents who got divorced 6 months ago, but that I was ALL God.
What else. Oh. Hey. I can pray. In front of people. Only if you don't tell me I have to. I hate that. And I refuse whenever that happens. I wouldn't say I'm confident. Or anywhere near comfortable. But I practice whenever the chance arises. Unless I'm tired or in a bad mood. It's terrible that it takes me being in a good mood and on my own accord to do it, but I'm progressing people. Considering I bawled my eyes out the first time I lead Bible Study because I was so terrified, shows progress.
Hmm. Oh. Well. I receved my prayer language. No big deal. HA Except it happened when I told God I had no more strength. And then HELLO. I have no idea what I said but I felt so much better after laying in bed crying for hours. I looked up this word that I kept saying over and over again and it is Portuguese for "steps." Take one step at a time? maybe. I have no idea. But yes. Holy Spirit. HELLO.
Uhm. What else. I'm not very cohearant today, so maybe this was a bad day to write. But it's what I've got. i can't think of much else. Now that I feel like I am bragging about myself, I'd just like to say, This is all because of God. Not me. So Praise God. I'm falling asleep. I need to stop typing.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
My Testimony
So, If y'all didn't know, I've never given my testimony. And then I started my new term at the Institute and was required to give it in 5 minutes or less. So I actually had to write it. And now, I will display it for the world (well, the few who see this) to read. Enjoy!
P.S. If I have known and learned from you over the last 5 years of my life.... I thank God for you every day. So this is for you... as much as it is for me.
My name is Teresa Repair and I am twenty years old.I was raised in a non Christian home with 3 sisters and both of my parents. My Dad was raised Catholic after he was adopted and I don't think he wanted us to feel pressured to do something that he didn't like doing as he grew up. So, I was not taught about Jesus. I was in sixth grade when I began attending Uturn, Faith Center's Youth Group. I went for friends and because my sisters did. However, when they stopped going, I kept going. I was in eighth grade when I really began to understand salvation but I think I resisted for a while. However, after going through a very tough freshman year of high school I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior at fifteen years old. I became involved in our Christian club on campus. Fellowship of Christian Athletes, and I have 3 close friends from that group as well as adopted parents. FCA is where I began to understand what life was like as a believer. My friend Kelsey introduced me to the first Bible verse that I remember learning and memorizing.
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- his good, pleasing and perfect will.
P.S. If I have known and learned from you over the last 5 years of my life.... I thank God for you every day. So this is for you... as much as it is for me.
My name is Teresa Repair and I am twenty years old.I was raised in a non Christian home with 3 sisters and both of my parents. My Dad was raised Catholic after he was adopted and I don't think he wanted us to feel pressured to do something that he didn't like doing as he grew up. So, I was not taught about Jesus. I was in sixth grade when I began attending Uturn, Faith Center's Youth Group. I went for friends and because my sisters did. However, when they stopped going, I kept going. I was in eighth grade when I really began to understand salvation but I think I resisted for a while. However, after going through a very tough freshman year of high school I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior at fifteen years old. I became involved in our Christian club on campus. Fellowship of Christian Athletes, and I have 3 close friends from that group as well as adopted parents. FCA is where I began to understand what life was like as a believer. My friend Kelsey introduced me to the first Bible verse that I remember learning and memorizing.
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Romans 12:2
This verse opened my eyes. My sophomore year of high school is when I began conforming to people's expectations. My sister, at age 16 went into rehab for drugs and alcohol and I began a five year struggle with bulimia and anorexia. This verse, though I still dealt with those issues, opened my eyes to see the control that I allowed the people around me to have in my life. I started attending Uturn for God, not friends, praying outside of church, and I became a leader at our Junior High's Youth Group (back in those days it was separated between junior high and high school). I began irregularly attending Sunday services (when my Dad was home he would give me a ride) and once I got my license I began attending regularly and volunteering as well. Summer 2009 was a huge Summer for me. I graduated high school, Aaron Hinrichs baptized me, I went to my first camp, followed by my first missions trip. Lindsay, my mentor, got married and my niece was born (on the same day). My niece, the light of my life, gave me hope. Hope that maybe I could bring Christ into my family. I brought her to church every week for the first year of her life.(it's a little more complicated these days) God completely changed my life that Summer. It took me writing this out to see that. Currently, I am an ELN intern at Faith Center, I attend the North Coast Bible Institute (I plan to graduate and become a Children's Pastor), I have found a church family full of baby sisters, big brothers, friends, and what I have needed the most, moms. Currently, I am still the only believer in my family. In the last 6 months, my sister has gotten divorced and dealt with custody hearings for my niece, I've called on the police on my sister for drinking and putting me in danger, my little sister moved in with her boyfriend and is 11 weeks pregnant, and my parents got divorced. My mother moved to Arizona (and just got engaged to another man) and my Dad works out of town 10 months out of the year with my sister. By looking at their lives I see the strength I have. Strength I have because of God. I've remained strong (generally speaking) through the people He has provided and by leaning on Him through everything. I want my family to see what the Lord has done for me. I want them to see what pain He has kept me safe from and how He has loved me unconditionally. He has changed my life. I want them to see it too. He has kept me from the lives that they are all currently struggling to live through and I want them to see that He is there for them. I want them to see that I don't judge them, that I support them. I want them to see how God's Love sets them free, just has God has set me free.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Pathetic Desperation
So, fancy me, I am blogging on my iPod. Without editing So no, no fancy me. Why? I can't make my fonts all cute and italicized and bold. Or bigger. I'm very self conscious about my font... Hopefully I can portray how I am feeling without cute pictures and larger font words... Okay. Away from the insecurity. This one anyway.
so. I'm babysitting late tonight. Kind of desperate for money. You see, I'm broke. No back up money. No parents to help. Alone. And a little stressed. God has provided me very well these last 12 weeks. But you see, it's wearing thin. I'm exhausted.
I feel a little lost. A little confused. I question this every day because that's just who I am. Only thing is, I have a reason. If you didn't know, I am still host familyless. No one at home supports me. Well. My Dad says do what I want as long as I am going somewhere. But you see, he is gone. Work. Has been since May. I have spent roughly 5 days with him since my birthday... Which was may 6. Some times we had a meal and then he left. Which I am still grateful for. But I miss him. My parents are divorced. Recently. Like march recently. So my mom lives in Arizona. And she got engaged on Monday. Touchy subject. But. Again. She isn't here either. My little sister is pregnant and lives with her boyfriend. She's never around. My other sister is with my Dad. Gone. My oldest sister lives with me. Just went through a divorce and custody hearing. She isn't a believer. So I don't talk with her much. My niece. Saves. My. Life. Mark? He's around. Not family. No thanks. Minus the baby who saves my life, I'm alone. It's getting extremely difficult. If i was on a computer, this would be where I put the word "extremely" in bold, italics, and extra large. I struggle. I stumble. God catches me. He saves me. But He also says life is about relationships. Support. I need support. And I want it where I can call my house a home. I want a home. To be loved. Supported. Strengthened. Prayed with. People to eat meals with. Something to come home to. Happily. Joyfully. I have no idea how Christmas or Thanksgiving will be. First holidays with a completely separated family. And my Dad has to work. This is why I always hate october through January. Halloween. Pumpkins. Thanksgiving. Family. Food. Happiness. My dad is going to be i San Francisco my best friend and Her family in Seattle. Christmas. I'm the only one who believes in Jesus and my Dad has hated Christmas for as long as I can remember. New years. Whoop de do.
I'm hitting desperation. I have lived on pasta and cup o noodle for the last 2 weeks. Not exaggerating. My stomach hurts. I need real food. I want vegetables. Fruits. Get rid of the freaking sodium and carbs. And the 10 pounds I have gained. And the major loss in confidence. I want to be able to talk about my day with someone who won't call my Holy Spirit physical healing a fake. Or someone who has encouraging Bible verses. I. Need. A. Home. I want someone who cares if I break curfew. Calls to check in on me. Tells me no. Asks me to help cook dinner. it hurts to be alone in this. I have friends. Without them I wouldn't be here. But what do I go home to? Alone. No support. The most uncomfortable bed on the planet. So you see, while most people go home to their families who support them, Are at least present, who even just ask about their day, I come to the place of residence where I don't want to be. Alone. Supportless. And I am pretty sure no one reads my blog. So this is probably pointless. Showing my desperation. Pathetic. But I am tired of waiting. I have been praying for almost 3 months. Help. Please.
so. I'm babysitting late tonight. Kind of desperate for money. You see, I'm broke. No back up money. No parents to help. Alone. And a little stressed. God has provided me very well these last 12 weeks. But you see, it's wearing thin. I'm exhausted.
I feel a little lost. A little confused. I question this every day because that's just who I am. Only thing is, I have a reason. If you didn't know, I am still host familyless. No one at home supports me. Well. My Dad says do what I want as long as I am going somewhere. But you see, he is gone. Work. Has been since May. I have spent roughly 5 days with him since my birthday... Which was may 6. Some times we had a meal and then he left. Which I am still grateful for. But I miss him. My parents are divorced. Recently. Like march recently. So my mom lives in Arizona. And she got engaged on Monday. Touchy subject. But. Again. She isn't here either. My little sister is pregnant and lives with her boyfriend. She's never around. My other sister is with my Dad. Gone. My oldest sister lives with me. Just went through a divorce and custody hearing. She isn't a believer. So I don't talk with her much. My niece. Saves. My. Life. Mark? He's around. Not family. No thanks. Minus the baby who saves my life, I'm alone. It's getting extremely difficult. If i was on a computer, this would be where I put the word "extremely" in bold, italics, and extra large. I struggle. I stumble. God catches me. He saves me. But He also says life is about relationships. Support. I need support. And I want it where I can call my house a home. I want a home. To be loved. Supported. Strengthened. Prayed with. People to eat meals with. Something to come home to. Happily. Joyfully. I have no idea how Christmas or Thanksgiving will be. First holidays with a completely separated family. And my Dad has to work. This is why I always hate october through January. Halloween. Pumpkins. Thanksgiving. Family. Food. Happiness. My dad is going to be i San Francisco my best friend and Her family in Seattle. Christmas. I'm the only one who believes in Jesus and my Dad has hated Christmas for as long as I can remember. New years. Whoop de do.
I'm hitting desperation. I have lived on pasta and cup o noodle for the last 2 weeks. Not exaggerating. My stomach hurts. I need real food. I want vegetables. Fruits. Get rid of the freaking sodium and carbs. And the 10 pounds I have gained. And the major loss in confidence. I want to be able to talk about my day with someone who won't call my Holy Spirit physical healing a fake. Or someone who has encouraging Bible verses. I. Need. A. Home. I want someone who cares if I break curfew. Calls to check in on me. Tells me no. Asks me to help cook dinner. it hurts to be alone in this. I have friends. Without them I wouldn't be here. But what do I go home to? Alone. No support. The most uncomfortable bed on the planet. So you see, while most people go home to their families who support them, Are at least present, who even just ask about their day, I come to the place of residence where I don't want to be. Alone. Supportless. And I am pretty sure no one reads my blog. So this is probably pointless. Showing my desperation. Pathetic. But I am tired of waiting. I have been praying for almost 3 months. Help. Please.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)