Mothers Day

"Why didn't she want me?"
But I want you

God can speak to you without you even realizing it.  A thought can pop in to your head that's not your own (usually what happens to me). A voice may sound. A scripture might speak to you. Someone may be Holy Spirit punched and talk to you (my own frequent occurrence). And the million other ways that God works... but really... He's speaking the same message.
I love you.
In any situation.... there will be triumph, there will be tribulation.  But rejoice... because God loves you.

Here's my story...

My mother and I are not on speaking terms.  I'd say we're estranged but she sends one or two random texts a month.  She left 14 months ago... divorced my father for another man in Arizona who she is now engaged to.  Mother's day is my least favorite day of the year.  Clearly, you can see why.  My heart is so hardened toward her.  I had a time where forgiveness occured... I had let go, God took over for all my past hurts.  Two weeks later I find out she got engaged... on facebook.  She was mad that I didn't comment on her new relationship status.  Whatever.  I don't want to call her "mom" any more. She never was anyway.  I refer to her as my mother.  I just don't have the guts to call her by her first name to her face.  I'd love to see the hurt I would cause by doing so, but I know that is the devil and not Christ. 
So mothers day... not my day.  I spent half the day crying.  I hate that... I haven't cried in months... I'm happy.  She just likes to spoil that happiness.  As I am crying out in my car I ask "Why didn't she want me?" over and over again. And then a thought pops into my head But I want you.  More tears.  Happiness. Joy this time.  Ugh.  No more pity party for me.

I want you too, God.

A Word for today

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33

I recieved a new devotion for my birthday, come to find out that it is Tia Lynn's favorite.  Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. This morning I lead devotions on peace; peace of mind, peace of spirit, letting go.  And now I have to post what my new devotional book said this morning.

May 8

Do not long for the absence of problems in your life.  that is an unrealistic goal, since in this world you will have trouble. You have an eternity of problem-free living reserved for you in heaven.  Rejoice in that inheritance, which no one can take away from you, but do not seek your heaven on earth.
Begin each day anticipating problems, asking Me to equip you for whatever difficulities you will encounter.  The best equipping in My living Presence, My hand that never lets go of yours.  Discuss everything with Me.  Take a lighthearted view of trouble, seeing it as a challengw that you and I together can handle.  Remember that I am on your side, and I have overcome the world.

For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.
Isaiah 41:13

I can do all this through him who gives me strength.
Philippians 4:13

One thing Remains.

Love, Plans, Prayer

Something that has been on my heart a lot lately is Love.
God's Love.
His Plans.

My life hasn't been very easy these days, but really, that's to be expected in this imperfect world.  But I've finally come to terms with a lot of things and have figured out my life. God's plan.
I wouldn't say I have figured out the secret to life... just.... how to live in this world.  Clearly God's ways are better than my ways.  Always have been.  I've accepted that.  But, until the recent weeks, I wasn't really comfortable not knowing for myself what God has for me.  I still don't fully know, but I have officially become comfortable not knowing.  For me, this is a huge step.  I am always in constant need of control or perfection... God has taken this burden and made it into something better.  Trust.  Faith.  Love.
I was driving to drop off my resume and I told God.... "This is Yours. I'd love to have this job, I really would, but if this isn't what You have planned, okay.  I may be upset, but I know that You have something better.  Something better that I cannot comprehend.  And if this is what You want, what You have planned, thank you for leading me this direction."   I went in there thinking there wasn't going to be a job, but alas, there is one spot.  And hey, I may not get this job, but what really matters to me is that I am letting God take this.  I don't want the burden, I don't want the stress.  Sure, when I call again today (boss was sick for 2 days) I will be nervous, but really, God has it.  And if I don't get this job, I have a back up.  I am comfortable with my summer.
But had I not let that go.... imagine how I'd be!  I let myself stress for a while but that seriously messed with me.  So I'm much better off.
What I got out of this experience is that God's plans... His Love.... it prevails over anything in this life.  Yes, I have always known that... but I never accepted it for myself.  And now I have.

I've always struggled with prayer.  Sure I can pray now (!!) in big groups, small groups.  But alone I am dreadful.  In the car I look like the crazy person talking to themself.  That's about the only place I feel like I have a realistic conversation with God.  In devos, before bed, when I think about it, it is so heartless and a blanket prayer.  In my car, or actually sometimes as I am getting ready to leave, my prayers just kind of flow.  And it isn't the deep conversation I hope to have.  I feel like I'm talking to my best friend, which is great, but is that wrong?  I feel like I'm only partially there or something.  But what I have gotten out of this is a few conversations that I have had with people.  God told me to move.  So I'm going.  I'm excited, I'm ready.  And tonight I am having a pretty serious conversation with someone... because God told me it was okay.  But are all my prayers supposed to sound like this?  I feel like they're surface level... different than when I pray out loud, or with the youth, or in our devotions.  I don't really know how it's supposed to go...

I spoke

I wrote this on Friday night at a leadership retreat.

Today, I spoke.
Evangelism. The topic of discussion.
Six youth groups.
One story.
Mine.
How has evangelism played a part in my life?
To me, evangelism has played a vital roll in my saving. I was evangelized to. I was loved. I was prayed for. To me? That's evangelism. Spreading the love of Christ is evangelism. At 15 or 16 years old I walked in to uturn. My life? A mess. I was sick. Starving. In need of Love. In need of people. In need of God.
I walked in on that Tuesday night to see a blonde haired crazy girl up front praying for people. I was so beyond fixing, or so I thought. I walked right up to the tall blonde girl and told her my story. And she prayed with me. She still prays with me. She loved me from the moment she spoke to me, the moment she saw my face. And that prayer, that love... It changed my life. I've discovered that the most effective way to spread the Love of Christ is to love like Christ. We will never fully comprehend how much God loves us, but even a fraction of that love is life changing. This blonde haired girl, her name was Lindsay Collins (now Rasmussen)... She has seen me fly high and plummet straight in to the ground. But I know she still loves me. And I know for a fact that she prays for me. She is why I love like I do. She showed me God's love, and now that's all I want to do. Love. Pray. Tell my story.
Spreading God's love... That's what I call evangelism.

Music

Music has always been the thing that gets to my heart, it's my worship, and half the time it's my prayer.  Music gets to me.  As you'll see....

"Yahweh...Forever and Always the same."
Yahweh- Desperation Band

I've always loved Desperation Bad, but I don't think I have ever fully absorbed their music until I met and had a long conversation with Jared Anderson... A member of the band. He came to Faith Center with the Jared Anderson Band on a tour called "Hear Us From Heaven."  We talked a lot about a church and what it takes to be a leader. Worship is for God. Not for your benefit.  Worship is work if it is about you and not God.  Focusing on God is what gives it the power... the truth.  God will always be the same, always be here, always love.  But if we don't expect that, if we don't expect God to be there, then we are putting Him in a box, making Him different, never the same.  You're preventing Him from using His power, His Glory won't shine if you close Him in.  Let Him out.   Let Him change you. Let Him be the same.

"‘Cause I am a sinner, if its not one thing its another. Caught up in words, Tangled in lies. You are the Savior and you take brokenness aside and make it beautiful. Beautiful."
Brokenness Aside- All Sons & Daughters

God takes it all away.  Sin. Pain. Life. He takes this broken world and fixes it.  He loves. Cares.  Cradles His weeping children!  He makes all things work for the good of those who love Him. (Romans 8:28)  Just let Him know... tell Him you need Him.  Be broken, that's allowed, only if you let HIM fix you.  Then it's beautiful

"And the Lord replied in soft spoken word, my child be not afraid.  For I am your God and I care for you. I will always come to your aid."
Job- Huckleberry Flint

God will never leave you nor forsake you.  (Deuteronomy 31:6)  He will always come to your aid... Job, a faithful man of God, was tested beyond anything I have ever read in the Bible.  The song Job tells his story... He lost his job, home, his family... but he never gave in.  Even when his wife said to forget God... he rejected her! God comes first.  Job recognized this, he trusted that God had plans for him... (Jeremiah 29:11) and what did he do?  He praised God!  In our Romans class right now, one of our midterm questions was this.... what is it a sign of when one rejoices in tribulation?  Answer: maturity.  Job was a very mature man, clearly.  His reward? God blessed him for the rest of his life.  If that isn't a sign of God's truth, then I don't know what to say.  Why is it that we, I, can't always trust God in the hard times?  Job did, and he had it much worse than I.  This calls for growth.

"You walk with me through fire, and heal all my disease." 
Healer- Kari Jobe

The next line of that song says "and I trust in You... I will trust in You."  Sometimes... mostly when I listen to this song, or when I sit in silence for too long, I question myself... if God will walk with me through fire, why don't I trust in Him?  I'm on the suck radar when it comes to trust.  Maybe from past experience... however, not with God.  Someone said something the other day about trusting God and it slipped out of my mouth saying, "Well He hasn't failed me yet..."  And even though that's true... why did it take a mindless thought for that to come out?   As soon as I said it out loud I thought to myself, (Thought I'm pretty sure it was God) What took you so long? Why couldn't I believe that on all the nights I've cried myself to sleep?  Why didn't I believe that when I felt like things were falling apart?  God walks with me through fire. Without His protection, I would have burned a long time ago.

"No one else will do. I will take hold of you.  I need you Jesus, to come to my Rescue.  Where else can I go?  There's no other name by which I am saved.  Capture me with grace. I will follow you."
Rescue- Jared Anderson

Just like I said above, I need to just go with it.  Trust Him.  Seriously.  It's getting old, constantly tripping and slipping because I'm too stubborn and prideful to let Him rescue me.

"Saviour, He can move the mountains.  My God is Mighty to Save.... Forever, Author of Salvation, He rose and concurred the grave, Jesus concurred the grave."
Mighty to Save- Hillsong United

Says it all.

Mother

December 30, 2011
The last time I spoke to my mother. A text message.
I love you too.
A reply. 
The last time I heard her voice? 
May 6, 2011.
My 20th birthday. 27 seconds on the phone.
Regret?  Yeah.
Sorrow, tears, pain? Hell yeah.
Pain rips through my heart whenever I get a text message. I can't change that.
I ignore the pull in my heart for amends because that hurts so much worse.
Today?
Happy Birthday, Mom :)
Because I can't stand to hurt her more than I already have.
A conversation starts. Small. Short. Terse.
She's coming.
She's coming here in a month.
And she's bringing him and their dog, like they're some big happy family.
Not my family.
He deserves none of my attention. No smiles. Don't touch me. I will NOT go to the wedding. You'll never be my step father. No relation to me. EVER.
And I don't have it in me to tell her I won't see her if she is with him.
I don't even have to GUTS to tell her I don't even want to see her. The face of betrayal. Abandonment. My mother who was never my mom. 
I can't do this. 
I wont.

Rollercoasters

"He is more focused on changing us than changing our circumstances."

I'm not the most sensitive person, nor have I claimed to be.
I'm dramatic, but that's how I percieve most situations.
I laugh.
I cry.
I fight.
I give up.
And hope prevails.
He Prevails.
I'm at a point in my life where I am constantly asking "what's next?" "where do I go from here?" What's my fate for this summer? What's my fate for next week? How will I pay for Mexico?  Why is my best friend so far away? Why have you called me here when all I do is experience pain? I'm not supposed to give up because God can handle it. But what if I don't want to handle it?
What if I want God to just take it?
Just take this burden from me.
Take it away.
I cry.
Tomorrow I'll laugh.
The next day I'll beg for it to all be over.
Please.

Today? Today I pray that my life doesn't turn to misery. Hopelessness and fear cloud my every stressful thought. Where will I live? Where will I work? And as I write this I wonder how I will get to my orthodontist tomorrow because I don't have money or any gas left.
I can't breathe as I think of the hell I have been through with my mother. Five weeks and counting, I'll see the face I haven't seen in 14 months.The face of abandonment.  The face of someone who was supposed  to be my mother. The woman who left my father for another man. The woman I never knew.  The woman I haven't talked to in a year.  The woman who is going to marry another man.  How do I let that go?  My heart aches, I don't want to face her.  I never want to see her again.  But she's my mother. My... my MOM.  I can't even call her mom, it hurts.
Don't even get me started on the subject of boys and my heart.
But then there is the other side.  My niece coming in to the world in 8 weeks.  My best friend coming home in 3. Reconcilliation in my family.  Joy.
So it's a rollercoaster of emotion, a roller coaster of debate and fight.  God or Bad.  What will win?  Will I go up only to plummet straight down?  Will I just continue up straight to God?  I don't know, though I wish He would tell me something.  Anything.  Comfort.  Love.  A freaking hug.  Anything.
Anything.