Reap What You Sow

I am in a dark place in life. Those around me know my struggle, those intimately around me know the worst of it.  I’m not proud of who I am right now.  I struggle daily with anxiety and an eating disorder, but it isn’t who I used to be.  I used to mentor young girls, care for babies, love everyone around me, and enjoy a night out every once in a while.  I played sports, I attended school, and I still found time to go to church and spend time with family.  I was reaping a good harvest.  Now, in this time of “harvest” I am grasping at broken straws.  I have few babies, few friends, and I have a hard time loving because I have a hard time being around others.  My goal in this time is to help myself, but I need others to help me too.  When doctors refuse to call or help me, I find myself in a more hopeless situation.  However, when I look at the relationships I have right now, I realize that they came from a healthy harvest time.  I’ve build intimate relationships with a handful of women, at a time of joy and laughter, and now, at a time of tears and sorrow, they are still my people.  Their kids still love me, while I have tainted my trusted reputation, they let me stick around and love in any way I can.  Whether it’s draw pictures, eat a meal with their family, laugh and dance, watch project runway, practice handwriting or math with the homeschoolers, snuggle and hold their babies, or just feel like I am okay enough to be in their homes. While I am not whole, they are helping me by being present, while also allowing me to be present in my broken state.  Some days the kids go to bed and I fall apart, some days I laugh more than I frown.  Some days I stay up way later than I plan, and other days I leave early to try and get some sleep.  This is a dry time in my life.  I can not produce fruit in my life.  But what I have in my life are rain makers and farmers who reap for me or with me.  So I am not reaping a harvest of dead fruits or broken flowers, but I am growing flowers that require a little more attention, but are not a lost cause.

I am not a lost cause.  I am going to successfully reap again.  But for now, my rain and my farmers will stand beside me, leading me to Christ daily, loving me, allowing me to love their babies, eat their food, and sit on their couches in silence.  And that’s enough for now.

Save Myself

My life is nothing short of a mess right now.  People are generally aware of this fact, but what hasn’t been brought to light are the behind the scenes struggles I have been facing.  I’m not here writing this because I want the world to know; I am here because I need an outlet to get the sludge out of my mind and because I am sick of answering, “How are you” from everyone.  So here goes.

I am not okay. It is of my own doing, yes.  But it’s not like I want to be dealing with my life this way.  In the last two weeks alone my life has changed completely: I went from working 40-50 hours to less than 5 a week, I was nearly admitted to the hospital because my eating disorder was so bad that they thought I was having a heart attack (mixed up test results, got some fluids and I am good to go!), I’ve had a psych evaluation, I have lost friends or hurt people I love more than myself, I’ve shut myself out, I’ve had more panic attacks than ever before, I’ve begun to fear night time, I can’t ever be alone, and I lost everything “normal” in my life.  My schedule was full. Now I have to ask someone daily if I can just sit in their house with him or her while they do life, just so I am not alone.  I’ve had a lot of doctor appointments. And I have never felt more broken.

This has affected every single person in my life, whether it’s because I can’t be around them because I’m embarrassed, or they see me so often now that they don’t even have to hug me, or they don’t want to see or speak to me at all.  I am broken.  And having nothing in life going the way you planned, with literally no plans, can destroy anyone’s confidence, let alone someone with a disorder that makes them question their value.

I used to be (unhealthily) bound to my schedule.  I’d squeeze in a coffee date in the 45 minute gap I had between work, or I would have to schedule times for friends to even see me without kids. It was basically always expected that I would show up to something with someone else’s kids, just so I could see humans over the age of 5.  The only good thing that has come out of this entire situation is my free time.  Now, the actual free time itself is not the good part (those begging for it like I used to, don’t! It’s awful….) it is what I have done in that free time that has been good for me.  I literally have nothing to do, so I wake up, work out, cook for fun, and read my Bible.  I spend at least 2 hours a day in the Word, with headphones in and listening to worship music.  This isn’t to toot my own horn, but to say that when you literally (feel like you don’t or) have nothing going in your life, you still have God.  I’ve found nothing to be fulfilling.  I don’t have a typical friend group to hang out with, I hate wasting time on television, I can’t get myself to edit or upload a youtube video in this time, and I literally have nothing going on.  So I just do what I know I can do without others, which is read my Bible.  I’ve lost friends, I’ve broken trust, my anxiety is a nightmare, and I can’t get a damn doctor to help me…. But I’ve got my Bible and I have God pulling me to Him.  For the first time in my life, I find myself obsessed with my Bible.  My day doesn’t feel right without it.  I start with it as early as I can, and I try and end with it.  Whenever I am alone, I have it out because I can’t stand silence or to do nothing.   It’s leading me on the right path, though nothing around me has changed.  I am still very sick.  I’m still waiting for the healthcare system not to suck.  I’m still begging people for forgiveness.  I am still hurt.  I have still hurt others. I am still broken. I am still chained to my own thoughts. I still don’t want to speak the words of my struggle out loud, though everyone already knows.  But I have Christ.  While that should be enough, as a human, it isn’t.  I need companionship and I need help… and that’s okay.  God didn’t say that reading the Bible would fix all my problems.  However, Bianca Olthoff said at the If: Gathering this year, that the way to endure trials is to "learn to worship as warfare." So while I am having my next anxiety attack, or I struggle to find any good in myself, I am going to turn on some worship music, pull out my Bible, and praise the only One whose opinion should matter. 

That being said, I am not in a place to discuss how I am really doing.  I am trying to get help, but nothing is smooth sailing with the health care in a tiny town.  But I am working on myself.  Ed Sheeran has a song called “Save Myself” and it is all about how someone gives ALL of themselves to make someone happy or to help them. In return, they hurt him or are of no help in desperate times.  It ends “Before I save someone else, I’ve got to save myself. And before I blame someone else, I’ve got to save myself.  And before I love someone else, I’ve got to love myself.”

I’m going to take this time to be selfish and take care of myself.  I’m sorry for those I have hurt.  I have no excuse.  And thank you to those who have been there for me. I am broken.  I’ll try and be better.  But please have grace, as this is a process.

24 Hours

It's been 24 hours of Facebook free life.  I also took a step back from my other social medias: Twitter, Snapchat, and Instagram (though I admit to scrolling through it once today AND will be posting this on my account). I have found myself with a lot of "free time" (insert air quotes) in the last day.  Now, my life isn't less busy or less chaotic, and I haven't cut back my work hours-- I've actually added more.  I'm not a new person who realizes their faults and loves at all times.  I'm still imperfect. But I've found myself with literal free hands.  My phone got lost 5-6 times today, my hands did a lot of fidgeting, and I found myself participating in more things.  I went to a play group and just held my (3 week old, nanny) baby.  I watched the kids play.  I didn't say much.  I just watched.  It was different.

I'm not saying I was one of those people who was sucked into their phone all the time, but I will say it was always with me and would grab it as soon as it went off.  Today, I turned on some music, walked away, and texts went unanswered for a long time.  However, it made today a little lonelier.  I realized that I initiate 90% of all on my texts. When I didn't have messages, I would just Facebook stalk my friends.  I'd fill my time with "people" and their lives via social media.  So today I spent most of my day trying to fill the silence.  And that wasn't easy.

I will say, I found the time to read my Bible.  I found the time to listen to worship music instead of scrolling through Instagram videos.  I found time to realize that I really shouldn't focus on who is or isn't messaging me.  What's in front of me is what matters.  My little nugget of three weeks was in front of me all day.  Her, and the people we visited today, they were priority.

I need to get used to the fact that other people have lives.  I need to get used to the fact that I am on my own.  I feel free, but lonely. I've always been lonely, but I filled it with social media.  Now I'm just lonely and don't want to fix my loneliness by hanging out with people.  But I force myself to.  If I don't, I'll be miserable.  I was meant to socialize.  And when I can't see my friends, which, let's be honest, is more often than than not, I need to fill that free time with Jesus.  My soul aches for him and His presence.  So you could say that I've learned a lot in the last 24 hours.  Because I have.  Life hasn't gotten less complicated or busy, and certainly hasn't gotten any easier... Rome wasn't built in a day.  But I know where to go from here.

Why I Quit Facebook

It's been 2 years and 12 days since I've blogged.  Honestly, I found a new attraction in the world of Youtube.  I used youtube a lot when I lived in Russia as a way to update everyone on Russian life and how I was doing, while allowing them to physically experience the country via video. I still use youtube, but mostly for beauty related videos, travel vlogs, and my most recent (forced) venture, gluten free videos.

All that gives you no idea as to why I quit Facebook, so here goes.

I quit Facebook several times in the last few years.  Once, I was struggling with some serious FOMO of everyone back in the states while I was in Russia; the second time, I was struggling with life in the states and reverse culture shock; the third time lasted 6 months, and I finally reactivated it to flaunt to the world my really cute relationship.  This time, however, is different.  This time comes 3 months after I reactivated it.  Currently, single, struggling to make it through a day without crying, trying to figure out who the hell I am.  Recently, kicked out of my house, rejected by my family, re-welcomed back in by a majority of my family, except my father.

What does this possibly have to do with facebook?  I was SO sick of pretending everything was okay.  I hid my relationship status as I switched it back to single, I played off my move like it was a typical day, I spent my "free time" (while my best friend, sister, (at the time) boyfriend, and a lot of my role models and friends left town without me) working until I could barely function and was forced to take a week off work. I tried to be a people pleaser for everyone and it just backfired.  I've tried to be optimistic and pull my life together, and for what? One stupid post that I am hoping people will "love" because I'm so joyful? I am so sick of pretending, and every time I tried to create a video to post on youtube, I just ended up crying through the whole thing. (Hence the blog, and not a video) I wanted everyone to see something good, in a world where all they see is negativity.

I felt a responsibility that I needed to be optimistic and positive so that people can see that God is amazing and perfect... but the truth is, my life is a mess.  I can't sleep like normal person. I cry 6 out of 7 days of the week, the other day is just because I'm so tired and busy that I don't have TIME to cry. I feel like I can't get myself together. And that isn't representing Christ.

I also don't like who I've become.  I can't admit my faults.  I'm apologizing constantly for my mistakes, days later than I should.  I'm insecure.  My anxiety has been through the roof over the last month, and I haven't struggled with it in two years.  I'm not kind or patient any more. I have the worst RBF on, all. the. time.  I know that who I've become is not of God, but I feel like my life is so out of control that I can't fix me.  So instead of doing that, I avoid humans.  (Not the tiny kind, that's my job. Also they're cute and they don't judge me.)  I feel like a burden to the world, because all I can see are the struggles that I can't seem to avoid or get through.

I know the truth.  I know God's truth.  It's just so hard in this day and age to not put off the persona like Facebook posts basically force you to put off.  I was tired of the engagement announcements, the wedding photos, the pregnancy announcements, and the births.  That's the stage of life I've been dying to be in for 6 years and I'm just tired of wishing I was someone else.  I am who God created me to be.  He has a plan for me (blah blah blah) and I know it's good.  But for now (or forever?), I'm going to sign off of Facebook, and pretend like everything is fine.  Even when it isn't.

Be Real

Sometimes life gets overwhelming.  You can't cope.
Sometimes crying helps.  Or it doesn't.

Lines blur between boundaries of good and bad.  Balance is hard to find.
Exhaustion overtakes your day to day.  Breathing becomes a chore.

You get stuck inside your own mind, wishing someone else could read it.
Wishing the thoughts would just come out and no one will judge you.

The feeling of nausea doesn't stop, no matter how much you (don't) eat.
You're starving and too full, no matter what you eat.

Writing is too difficult because you fall down the rabbit hole.
Reading how to help makes it worse.  Forget thinking.

How the hell do you cope?
Exercise until you can't feel your legs.
Cry until you can't see.
Or just don't.

Don't tell a soul how you feel.  Don't trust.
Don't sleep-- that's not really a choice anyway.

Breathe.  Definitely try and breathe.
Although difficult, that's important.

I'd say pray, as a believer that helps.
But sometimes, in your weakest times, it doesn't.

And then humans come into play.
Who do you trust?

Your inner thoughts are too intimate for a coffee date.
Screw Facebook.

Relationships are the worst.  "Hey, take on my burdens?"
Great idea.  Until they say no.  Same with the next person.

SOMEONE SAY YES.
Someone I can trust.
Someone who won't hold it over me.
Someone who can keep a secret.
THE secret.
That sometimes, you just... can't.

Let me cry.  Let me talk.
Let me SUCK instead of being held up as such a brave person.

Sometimes it is easier to suck than to live up to too many...
Expectations.

I literally want to explode inside.
Sometimes I do.

When I'm in my room-- alone.
Always alone.

Because WHO do I have?
I swear, if I hear another person say, "Jesus...'



Guys, anxiety isn't a joke.  These are my DAILY thoughts.  Online personas are not real. This world needs to own up to the fake lives that we perceive on social media.  Obviously, I've lived that persona.  I'm sick of it.  I'm tired of the fake lives that we live in and outside of social media, that we are happy, and life with 4 kids is easy. Or that we don't struggle with ANYTHING.  That, even though someone close to us has passed away, we are comforted knowing that they've gone "home." Seriously, be sad.  It's really okay.  Or be happy if that is what is REAL.  But if it isn't, then don't.  Because, somewhere out there, is a girl, who is your age, wondering why life as a first time mom isn't as easy as it is personified on Facebook.  Or a man who can't admit that he misses his Dad because that's not the "manly" thing to do.  Or there is someone out there, like me, who struggles with anxiety, but can't talk about it because it seems like everyone around you has it together.  No one has it together.  No one is perfect.  Share your imperfections with someone.  Be humbled, and learn how to share truth.  Someone out there needs it. #bereal

5 Reasons Why It Is Good To Travel Alone

In light of my recent solo trip to London, I thought I'd put something together about all the benefits I discovered about traveling alone!!

1. You can be whoever you want to be.

I stayed in a hostel and met people from all over the world.  I was very clear about what I was doing in life and I took every opportunity (including airport staff) to tell people about Russia.  My main motives in life were still clear, but I could be quiet, loud, a late nighter, early riser, high maintenance, or super chill. I got to share my life goals with people who were genuinely interested in my life story, and I could even share a few secrets.  I felt so free, not having the pressure of people around me that knew me, feeling like they expected me to act a certain way.  I'm a very different person when I travel. 

2. People can't tell you what to do.

I went ALL over the city, whether it was rushed or at my leisure.  I went ice skating for over an hour and met a girl from France.  We talked about life and our countries, and no one was there to rush me off the ice.  I walked a lot.  Miles and miles a day.  No one was there to complain and tell me to take the tube or a bus.  I could be lazy and I could literally do anything I wanted.  I went to Big Ben at least 4 times, obsessing over the architecture.  I saw Wicked, and I didn't have to compromise and miss out on my favorite part of my trip. I spent 6 hours at the Warner Brothers Studio on the Harry Potter tour.  No one rushed me through, and I wasn't the biggest, crazy, psycho, fangirl (like people at home think) especially compared to any one there.

3. You can take that selfie.

Who freaking cares if they laugh.  Take that selfie with the horse guards. Or when you get to stand next to a mummy, be awkward and take the creepy selfie.  Take a selfie because you love your hair, or you love the new hat you got because it was cold.  Take a million photos and walk as slow as you want because no one is there to call you ridiculous. Take.  That.  Selfie.  

4. You can talk in an accent.  No one knows you.

I pick up accents wherever I go.  It's fun, but can also be annoying when someone mocks you and you can't help it.  Within 24 hours of being in London, I was thinking and dreaming in a British accent.  So when I traveled within the city, I let that accent fly.  And no one made fun of me or questioned it! 

5.  You lose your fear.

My biggest lesson on this entire trip. I don't think I quite realized what I was getting myself into when I booked a week long trip by myself in a country that I had never been in. I didn't understand why everyone thought it was big deal. But the excitement I had was QUICKLY shifted once I landed in country.

I got lost when I was trying to find my hostel and I was on the verge of tears when I finally found it. I didn't have a working phone at the time and I hadn't met my roommates for the week.  I went to sleep wishing I was back in the states or in Russia.  I woke up at 5am and began panic texting some mentors in my life and I was even debating moving my flight up.  But, eventually, I got the guts to get up, cross the street, get a sim card, and heavily depend on my phone.  I went on a tour, and the next day I ventured to the outskirts of London--a two and a half hour train ride.  By the next day, I just picked a random place and got on the bus like a local.  I was so comfortable with the transit system by days 3 and 4 that I put headphones in.  Then I decided to just walk EVERYWHERE.  I walked 5 or 6 miles to anywhere I wanted, every single day.  Without fear.  I stayed out after dark, I ventured into my hostel's pub to watch a game of Soccer with one of my roommates, and I even talked with random strangers (okay, worried parents, it isn't like I got in their car or something)!

I was so terrified the first day that I questioned myself. The more you question, the worse you panic.  I let that fear freeze my personality, and I doubted myself.  

I learned so much about myself and my unlimited abilities.  God brought forth comfort that I could only have received from Him. I can't question Him or the courage He has instilled in me!

GUYS, I survived.  And now I want to go EVERYWHERE.  I am even considering a job in Italy next Summer that my cousin mentioned to me last week. And I'm not afraid!  While I am a homebody to the extreme, I now see the unlimited possibilities that I have... if I would just leave my room!  I've learned that it literally just takes the first step.... and then you take another... and then you're in the middle of no where in London and you're not afraid. 

While I would LOVE to travel with anyone (especially my family), I'm obsessed with traveling alone! There are higher risks involved, but what's life without a little risk?

Are you debating, planning, or have already made a trip to a foreign country on your own? Or with a best friend?? I'm looking into other countries in the future, and I'm looking for feedback and suggestions!  I would LOVE to hear your stories, so comment and let me know about all of your adventures!  Thanks for checking out my journey!

I posted a youtube video blog last week if you'd like to check out some videos and pictures!!

Link: http://youtu.be/AHYhyW9-g1Y

xoxo Teresa

To Be Defined

Define: (V): to state or describe exactly the nature, scope, or meaning of.

As humans, we are constantly seeking the meaning of life.  We so desperately grasp at whatever we can to define ourselves in this world.  We seek fulfillment in things that are clearly not meant to fulfill our needs.  We constantly have to define who we are as a person, so that when someone asks us what we do or who we are, we'll have a clear definition.

I'm an athlete.  I'm a lawyer.  I teach Spanish.  I'm a missionary.  I'm a Mom.  I'm a best friend.  Student.  Sister. But what do these mean?  Just because we say these things, doesn't mean we are defining who we are.  

We let the world define us.  We seek reassurance that we are good people on the surface.  But there is something so negative about being defined by what people perceive us to be; to be unknown by what's in our souls.

Recently, I attempted to redefine myself to be someone that would be approved by another.  While I've gone through this in more destructive ways, I found myself compromising myself to be who someone else wanted me to be.  I didn't see how empty it made me feel.  I let someone else try and define me.  Unfortunately, I sought definition and joy in someone other than Jesus.  Of course, I ended up figuring out the stupidity of that the hard way.  I compromised myself, my desires, my personal dreams, to be someone else's happy ending instead of my own.  

Today, I choose to be defined by Jesus.  Not by another person, or religion, or my pastoral title.  I choose to be more than a sister or an auntie.  More than a missionary and more than a best friend.  

I choose to be defined by Jesus.  

I am a child of God.  I'm His daughter.  I am loved.  I am accepted.  I am redeemed.  I am a difference maker.  I am set free.  I. Am. Forgiven.

I won't let the world define me, I will let Jesus be my definition. The next time some one asks you to define yourself, what will your answer be?   Will you define yourself at the surface-- with your job title or position-- or will you let your heart define you? Will you be defined by the world, or will you help define the world with Jesus?  

BE the definition.  Don't let others define you.  Be defined by your Savior.  Be Jesus.