The Path Of Least Resistance

I've spent the last three months laying in bed, resting. Doctor's orders.  However, as time has progressed I have found that I feel worse.  Spending an entire day off laying in bed feels like it can no longer be justified.  I feel awful pretty much all the time, but I could never push through it.  The last two weeks have been the most difficult.  Not sleeping, not being able to eat properly, constant nausea, and pure exhaustion.  I made it a goal not to call in sick to work, mostly by force, but mostly because I was sick of missing out. I can justify staying in on a Friday night because I never enjoy going out or hanging out with people, but I could no longer justify missing staff meetings, devotions, and working in my department.  I could no longer spend my free time laying in bed watching Hulu or Netflix and thinking, I could be productive, but how? So yesterday I set a goal.  I am only allowed to lay in bed if I have worked out.  I can only relax when my Missions Training homework is complete.
I woke up this morning after only sleeping three hours last night and my first thought was to call in sick to work because, honestly, I hadn't felt that sick in a month.  I still feel terrible.  But then I told myself that if I didn't go to work then I wasn't allowed to go on a run like I plan to after work.  Motivation number one.
I plan on working out six days a week, starting slow.  Yesterday I ran just over a mile and walked to equal 3.7 miles.  I did a few crunches and some push ups, along with some relevés, (ballet exercises to strengthen my ankles.)  Today I am running the two miles home from work and walking a mile to dinner, before I spend three hours in class taking my final.  I did crunches and push ups this morning and I'll do more relevés before I run to stretch my ankles (or something).  Tomorrow I am walking to work and walking home.  Saturday might be a light walk or something. I'll take Sunday off and I have no idea what Monday holds.  I already have an accountability partner, and I plan on sticking to this. 
This morning I could not get out of my mind how much I didn't want to run after work.  I didn't want to walk, I didn't want to do anything, I still don't. But I'm so against taking the easy road right now. All I've done is take the easy road since I got sick and I am so done with that. So I might hate running, I might hate getting sweaty, and I really hate being sore... But that means nothing in the long run. For 4% (or less) of my day I'm going to take the time and care about myself. It might be miserable right now... As I try ridiculously hard not to get sick after I run, or to keep pushing myself to run even when I'm bored. I am so tired or being disappointed in myself and my body and I'm sick of taking the easy road in this. I want to be proud of myself for once. And the disappointment of giving up has been too much. So even though I have an insane amount of anxiety about having to run, and even though I feel ridiculously sick, I'm not taking the path or least resistance in this.

To Be Mediocre

I feel mediocre.  Like... I don't know, I could have done better.  I see these shows and watch people become who they have always dreamed of becoming... I've wanted to go to Yale since I was twelve.  Yeah, that's never going to happen.  I don't have the SAT scores or the grades to even apply.  A rejection would be hard to take from there.  I want more than anything to be prestigious or be considered good enough.  I hear of people going there and achieving greatness... and I probably couldn't even get into a UC.  I don't know.  I haven't even found my future.  At twenty one I realize I don't even know what I want to do for the rest of my life. I have so many regrets in my life, mostly not my fault.  I have a lot of places I've wanted to go, things I've wanted to do.  I was pulled from gymnastics and dance at a young age... my two favorite things in the world.  I can't go back now.... not at twenty one... I don't have the finances or the time.  Sure, I'm going to Russia.  I'm thrilled.  But am I even good enough for that?  I can't even get the language.  I'm just so frustrated with life... why can't I be better?  More?  I want to move to the East Coast and go to school.... finish school.  If I even can. I've never been brave to go out on my own.  How can I move to the East Coast with no job, no friends, no idea of what I am doing?  I guess that's the thrill of it all.... not knowing.  But when will I ever have the guts to do this?  When will I get over my fear of getting lost?  I'm sick of settling and being less than I know I can be.  I am tired of not doing something because of finances or doubting myself completely.  But I am more sick of sitting here non complacent.  When can I be who I want to be... or why can't I start now?  I don't want to spend the rest of my life in mediocre hell.... I don't want to regret anything.... I want to go after my heart.  I know Russia is what's next.... but sadly I am not even there yet and I am wondering what comes after.  I can't even spend time in the moment.  I'm wondering when I will stop being the least of who I am, and when I will start becoming greater.  I'm destined for something more but I don't have the guts to go out and be more.... So for now, New York... Connecticut... they'll have to wait... Yale?  I hope Someday.... To be more?  Hopefully starts tomorrow... Because I never want to settle for being mediocre.

Lily

She takes a deep breath and glances down at the test in her hands. Positive.  She's going to be a mom.  Not planned, not appreciated, not expected.  There goes her life. Or so she thinks.
She approaches the man responsible.  Tells him her story, tells him the truth.  He's going to be a father.  There goes his life.  Or so he thinks.
Weeks go by and she is tormented. Abandoned by the man responsible, abandoned by her father, left to spend her free time in her mind.  She can't do this. So there goes a life....
There goes a baby who never had a chance to breathe on its own, a baby who never learned to walk or talk.  A human never given the chance to struggle through the teenage years or mend a broken heart.  There goes a best friend, a spouse... a son or daughter... No college experience or future to stress about.  A ballerina or police officer has been taken out of the mix, a soccer star, a soccer mom, a teacher.  A future.  All because someone decided they didn't want to do it, couldn't do it.
So another future is withheld, another angel that never got to experience life on this earth. I'm stuck here wondering why I have to feel this way. Why I have to be part of this awful story. I offer to sacrifice my future so that another can have one, and I'm rejected.  So I'm left wondering why.  Why couldn't I stop this and why couldn't I do anything to help? Why....
Rest in Peace, Lily... I hope you know I loved you even though I never got to meet you. I wish more than anything in this world that I could have helped.