If you want a good God cry :)

I was going throughmy old journal and I found a few entries from a year ago… about my mom.   I cried. Lately my family has been my first priority outside of God.  Which is how it should be.  For the first time I call them, they callme.  My mom and I talk on occasion… atleast fifteen minute conversations.  Thelast few have been over half an hour or forty-five minutes.  Compared to what I wrote last year… I want tostick my hands straight in the air and say “Praise God!”  I have two entries from one day in Septemberlast year… Hate and Ache. Both about my mom… God has changed my life with my family in a way sodrastic that I cannot keep my emotions down.

September 22, 2011

The end of Hate, “Insteadyou forgot about me, So now I'll forget about you.  How you broke me. How you ruined me.  How you made me hate.  How you made me hate you.  That’s right. I. Hate. You.  And I can’t forgiveyou, love you.  Because you never lovedme.”  A line in Ache, “Hate callouses my unloved heart.  Hate for you creates hate of myself.  Self-conscious, bitter, sad.  Tears flow from my swollen eyes.  Begging for the love I never received.” 

July 7, 2012

Mexico: Tell Mom youlove her.

I just started crying. Joy.  I can’t even describe how myheart feels right now.  I can’t even begin to explain where God has put myfamily in my heart.  I can’t write anymore… I think I’m going to go call my Mom. 

People Can Be So Mean

It's really hard to be yourself when people are so mean. It's a harsh reality, especially when they're supposed to be your friends, but really.. It shouldn't be tolerated. I try and be myself. I try and be the best person I can be... And people laugh and roll their eyes. So what if I mention that we need to be responsible? So what if I ask if someone is okay? Caring about my friend is so much more important than your stupid Facebook. Ignore me. Laugh at me all you want but this is who I am. Myself. Teresa. Me. Take it or leave it. If you laugh at me I won't accept that. I'm standing up for myself right now. I'm "okay" when I'm not talking non stop. I'm "okay" if I don't have a crazy reaction like you expected. I'm not okay when you laugh at who I am. I'm not okay when you roll your eyes when I'm trying to say something. Let me be. Pick on someone else because you're going to be seeing me from now on. Not who you thought I was. If you don't like it.... Take it up with God and walk away. Because I will no longer let you cut me down. Be my friend or be my enemy. I'll love you either way, but I won't let you love me back just to hurt me later. I don't care what you pick, because if you can't decide now then clearly we weren't friends in the first place. I'm happy with being myself. I'm happy with my friends that I have and my family. I could care less. But treat me like a human. Not your door mat.

Disappointements and Hope

As I shared about A Miracle a few days ago, comes the sharing of diappointment.  Today, I had the expectation of my sister coming to church.  The miracle of this occasion... dashed with a giant bucket of disappointment... no show.  My heart was completely crushed as I stood on stage during baptisms and didn't see her face or my niece in the back. 
In this comes hope with the baptisms.  I assisted with eight baptisms this weekend... three being my friends and three being the Christen girls.  I've watched Annabella, Madeline, and Catherine grow so much since I started attending Faith Center.  This summer, I was there as Maddie accepted Christ in her life at Kids camp... I was there.  I prayed with her to recieve the Holy Spirit... a first for me, and a seriously eye opening experience for both of us.  God was there.  And I cry when I see the power of God in this little girl, as well as her sisters!  It makes me realize that life altering decisions will not happen over night.  I have been waiting five years for my sisters to see the truth.  And as God slowly breaks through my sister, I am expecting her to show up praising Jesus... and that is an expectation I am pushing too hard... I can't help it! All I want in this life is for my family to see Truth... to see Christ.  All I want is to stand next to them in church praising God and what He has done.  And as the walls break on my sister, I have become impatient.  It isn't my timing, clearly.  But it's happening.  I was devestated beyond belief today.  I haven't cried or hugged that much in years... or so it feels that way.  I know it isn't my timing, but that little glimmer of hope is just yelling "Here I am!!"  So there I go... expecting and being disappointed.  Nothing breaks my heart more than this disappointment... all i want...

A Miracle

So I cried in the staff meeting.  This was different.  Joy.  The only emotion I could express.
Matt asked if we had anything else to say, and something that had been on my heart was to say thank you to the staff.
Over the last four to six months my little sister has begun to get to know a lot of my friends at the church, staff or otherwise.  She has been calling me almost every day and we talk or hang out as often as we can.  Even if it is only for ten minutes in between work and studying.  I watch my niece 1-3 time a week while she works and I am off.  Through this our relationship has grown.  On days that I have Sophia, I know to reserve when my sister gets off work to spend time with her.  Those are my family days.  And I am more than okay to be with her and sacrifice sleep or some homework time.  Over the last few weeks, my little sister has been bringing my niece to the church so I can have her at church at the eleven.  She knows how important it is to me, and since I have had meetings or teaching classes in between services, she has offered to bring her.  It brings joy to my heart and I melt or cry whenever I think about it.  Two weeks ago I was able to meet her outside.  As I carried Sophia in, my sister followed.  I asked if she was coming in... "why not?" was her nonchalant response.  I wanted to cry.  With fifteen minutes until service started, I didn't hold the expectation that she would stay through service.  As she came in she met new people, some staff, and a few of my friends that she didn't know yet.  She said hi to Rebekah and Bonnie, and got some conversations in with people she knew and liked.  We went into the sanctuary to set my things down so I would have a seat in service.  In the sanctuary she saw Matt and talked with more people.  Worship started and she took that moment to say, "I'll see you later."  And that's okay with me.  Progress.
This last weekend she brought Sophia again, but I was upstairs teaching the baptism class.  So I couldn't come out.  She came in on her own.  She found Rebekah and talked and walked with her.  That's how I found them.... laughing and talking as they walked to the sanctuary.  She did that on her own. But she found comfort in Rebekah, on staff or not, Rebekah had the heart to connect with her.  And had my sister seen other staff members instead, I'm sure I would have found them with her too.  My sister has found a connection in the church besides me.  On top of that, she hung out in the sanctuary for twenty minutes with me.
Over the last 9 months she has been discovering who I am as a believer, and realizing that who she thought I used to be (not good) is not really who I am.... or even people in the church.  I am PRAISING GOD because this is a miracle.  God has reached out and pulled on her heart. 
I thanked the satff, because without their hearts and love, there would be no connection to a different view of a believer than me... and there's bias in that I am her sister.  But that's good too.  I don't know what to think besides "YAY!!" All I know... is that I have hope.