Goodbye

I don't want to hate myself. I don't want to hate my choices or what I'm doing. I don't want people to hate me. I don't want my family to hate me. I don't want my friends to hate me. This is probably a completely conceided idea that people will be hurt that I'm leaving or that they might actually miss me, but I don't want them too. Because that means I've let them down. I know what it feels like to be left, whether for good reasons or bad. And I don't want to be that sister who leaves once my niece is born or that can't keep in contact because of the time difference. I want to be in the same time zone, same town, 5 minutes away. And I don't want people to hate that I am gone. I don't necessarily want to leave, but GO. I'll be back so I'm excited and I cannot wait to go. However, the preconceived notion I had that this would be easy was so completely wrong. My biggest obstacle? Goodbye. 

That one word. 

Sure. It's a year. But it's a year. 

My nieces' first, second, and fifth year. 

I have kids who hate that I'm going. It feels good that I'll be missed, but damn it hurts so much. I don't want to disappoint anyone. 

I know that once I get there and I've made it through the goodbye process that I'll see all of the good. I see good now, more than good. But it's so blurry because all I can see right now is goodbye. 

I've said goodbye to more people in the last month than I have in over 5 years. This doesn't make it easier. 

I cannot wait to see what God has in store, I just really need to get past this fear of goodbye. 

It's a risk I'm taking, I've never really taken risks. Ever. 

But I know this is the right risk. Waiting is harder and a bigger challenge, that much I have become aware of. 

I'm so afraid of missing out on my life in Eureka, but I've realized that I have my life in Russia too. A different one. The thrill is there... The change is basically my entire life... And I'm so afraid.... But I can't wait. 

I've always been told that fear is good because it means you have something to lose. I don't have "too much" to lose, per say, but I do have a lot to lose. God has really challenged my heart when it comes to giving up everything (one) for His ministry and I really see how He has prepared me for this.... But I still can't get past goodbye. It's only a year. One year. I can make it. 

My Biggest Obstacle

I'm scared. To be more specific, I am absolutely terrified. This is normal, they say. It feels normal. But I don't want to feel this way. I want to leave psyched and ready to go. I don't want to leave feeling like I do now. 

I don't want to say goodbye. I'm taking no one with me. I'm 22 years old and the longest I have been away from home is 2 weeks. I cannot imagine that again, let alone a freaking year. 

This is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done. I picture hugging my sister goodbye and I'm a bloody mess. (Like right now) I'm already sobbing. I don't want to say "bye bye" to my nieces. They expect to see me less than 2 days later. I can't even imagine what they will think after a few weeks. Will they miss me, or will they think I forgot them? I never want them to ever feel abandoned or forgotten, but they don't have phones or the capability of understanding what I am doing. My little sister is my best friend and I don't want her to think I'm leaving her. I don't want to leave her. I'd freaking pack her and Sophia in my suitcase if it wasn't such a long flight. 

Goodbye is literally the one thing stopping me. One word. I can't say it, I can't even wave. I'm thinking about the next 90 days and how the big goodbye could be any time between then and now. And currently I can't stop crying!

It is very clear that I am supposed to go. God has most certainly turned the light from red to green. I'm waiting for it to turn yellow, to slow time down, but it is so clear that I'm going through. 

I just.... I don't want to let go. I finally have my family and I feel like I have spent the last 10 years trying to get that... And as soon as everything is perfect, I lose them. I'm leaving them behind and I'm not even sure they get why. Right now, they are all I have. My best friends live 2 states away and I spend most of my time with my sisters and neighbors. My Monday night family dinners are going to stop. I won't be here for Christmas... My first time away for any holiday... I won't see my new niece grow up... She won't even know who I am when I come back. And that hurts. My heart hurts so much. 

I'm sure I'm being absolutely dramatic in the eyes of anyone reading this... But I could lose everything in this life but God and people and I would be okay. I can't lose my family.... And I've never been able to say that. I don't want to leave them. 

This is me expressing my bare soul right now... I needed to get it out. 

I am expressing my biggest obstacle in saying "yes". I knew what it meant to say yes, and right now I think it is just hitting home. So for now, I'm going to take advantage of every moment. Hug my nieces, laugh with my sister. Call my Dad. Text my Mom. Play video games with my neighbors... And figure out how in the freaking world I'm going to say goodbye without crying the entire flight to Russia. 

I'm giving this to God, this fear. But it doesn't mean I won't keep crying. If anyone has advice, please feel free to comment. Anyone else, if you don't mind, please just pray for my heart.