I spoke

I wrote this on Friday night at a leadership retreat.

Today, I spoke.
Evangelism. The topic of discussion.
Six youth groups.
One story.
Mine.
How has evangelism played a part in my life?
To me, evangelism has played a vital roll in my saving. I was evangelized to. I was loved. I was prayed for. To me? That's evangelism. Spreading the love of Christ is evangelism. At 15 or 16 years old I walked in to uturn. My life? A mess. I was sick. Starving. In need of Love. In need of people. In need of God.
I walked in on that Tuesday night to see a blonde haired crazy girl up front praying for people. I was so beyond fixing, or so I thought. I walked right up to the tall blonde girl and told her my story. And she prayed with me. She still prays with me. She loved me from the moment she spoke to me, the moment she saw my face. And that prayer, that love... It changed my life. I've discovered that the most effective way to spread the Love of Christ is to love like Christ. We will never fully comprehend how much God loves us, but even a fraction of that love is life changing. This blonde haired girl, her name was Lindsay Collins (now Rasmussen)... She has seen me fly high and plummet straight in to the ground. But I know she still loves me. And I know for a fact that she prays for me. She is why I love like I do. She showed me God's love, and now that's all I want to do. Love. Pray. Tell my story.
Spreading God's love... That's what I call evangelism.

Music

Music has always been the thing that gets to my heart, it's my worship, and half the time it's my prayer.  Music gets to me.  As you'll see....

"Yahweh...Forever and Always the same."
Yahweh- Desperation Band

I've always loved Desperation Bad, but I don't think I have ever fully absorbed their music until I met and had a long conversation with Jared Anderson... A member of the band. He came to Faith Center with the Jared Anderson Band on a tour called "Hear Us From Heaven."  We talked a lot about a church and what it takes to be a leader. Worship is for God. Not for your benefit.  Worship is work if it is about you and not God.  Focusing on God is what gives it the power... the truth.  God will always be the same, always be here, always love.  But if we don't expect that, if we don't expect God to be there, then we are putting Him in a box, making Him different, never the same.  You're preventing Him from using His power, His Glory won't shine if you close Him in.  Let Him out.   Let Him change you. Let Him be the same.

"‘Cause I am a sinner, if its not one thing its another. Caught up in words, Tangled in lies. You are the Savior and you take brokenness aside and make it beautiful. Beautiful."
Brokenness Aside- All Sons & Daughters

God takes it all away.  Sin. Pain. Life. He takes this broken world and fixes it.  He loves. Cares.  Cradles His weeping children!  He makes all things work for the good of those who love Him. (Romans 8:28)  Just let Him know... tell Him you need Him.  Be broken, that's allowed, only if you let HIM fix you.  Then it's beautiful

"And the Lord replied in soft spoken word, my child be not afraid.  For I am your God and I care for you. I will always come to your aid."
Job- Huckleberry Flint

God will never leave you nor forsake you.  (Deuteronomy 31:6)  He will always come to your aid... Job, a faithful man of God, was tested beyond anything I have ever read in the Bible.  The song Job tells his story... He lost his job, home, his family... but he never gave in.  Even when his wife said to forget God... he rejected her! God comes first.  Job recognized this, he trusted that God had plans for him... (Jeremiah 29:11) and what did he do?  He praised God!  In our Romans class right now, one of our midterm questions was this.... what is it a sign of when one rejoices in tribulation?  Answer: maturity.  Job was a very mature man, clearly.  His reward? God blessed him for the rest of his life.  If that isn't a sign of God's truth, then I don't know what to say.  Why is it that we, I, can't always trust God in the hard times?  Job did, and he had it much worse than I.  This calls for growth.

"You walk with me through fire, and heal all my disease." 
Healer- Kari Jobe

The next line of that song says "and I trust in You... I will trust in You."  Sometimes... mostly when I listen to this song, or when I sit in silence for too long, I question myself... if God will walk with me through fire, why don't I trust in Him?  I'm on the suck radar when it comes to trust.  Maybe from past experience... however, not with God.  Someone said something the other day about trusting God and it slipped out of my mouth saying, "Well He hasn't failed me yet..."  And even though that's true... why did it take a mindless thought for that to come out?   As soon as I said it out loud I thought to myself, (Thought I'm pretty sure it was God) What took you so long? Why couldn't I believe that on all the nights I've cried myself to sleep?  Why didn't I believe that when I felt like things were falling apart?  God walks with me through fire. Without His protection, I would have burned a long time ago.

"No one else will do. I will take hold of you.  I need you Jesus, to come to my Rescue.  Where else can I go?  There's no other name by which I am saved.  Capture me with grace. I will follow you."
Rescue- Jared Anderson

Just like I said above, I need to just go with it.  Trust Him.  Seriously.  It's getting old, constantly tripping and slipping because I'm too stubborn and prideful to let Him rescue me.

"Saviour, He can move the mountains.  My God is Mighty to Save.... Forever, Author of Salvation, He rose and concurred the grave, Jesus concurred the grave."
Mighty to Save- Hillsong United

Says it all.

Mother

December 30, 2011
The last time I spoke to my mother. A text message.
I love you too.
A reply. 
The last time I heard her voice? 
May 6, 2011.
My 20th birthday. 27 seconds on the phone.
Regret?  Yeah.
Sorrow, tears, pain? Hell yeah.
Pain rips through my heart whenever I get a text message. I can't change that.
I ignore the pull in my heart for amends because that hurts so much worse.
Today?
Happy Birthday, Mom :)
Because I can't stand to hurt her more than I already have.
A conversation starts. Small. Short. Terse.
She's coming.
She's coming here in a month.
And she's bringing him and their dog, like they're some big happy family.
Not my family.
He deserves none of my attention. No smiles. Don't touch me. I will NOT go to the wedding. You'll never be my step father. No relation to me. EVER.
And I don't have it in me to tell her I won't see her if she is with him.
I don't even have to GUTS to tell her I don't even want to see her. The face of betrayal. Abandonment. My mother who was never my mom. 
I can't do this. 
I wont.

Rollercoasters

"He is more focused on changing us than changing our circumstances."

I'm not the most sensitive person, nor have I claimed to be.
I'm dramatic, but that's how I percieve most situations.
I laugh.
I cry.
I fight.
I give up.
And hope prevails.
He Prevails.
I'm at a point in my life where I am constantly asking "what's next?" "where do I go from here?" What's my fate for this summer? What's my fate for next week? How will I pay for Mexico?  Why is my best friend so far away? Why have you called me here when all I do is experience pain? I'm not supposed to give up because God can handle it. But what if I don't want to handle it?
What if I want God to just take it?
Just take this burden from me.
Take it away.
I cry.
Tomorrow I'll laugh.
The next day I'll beg for it to all be over.
Please.

Today? Today I pray that my life doesn't turn to misery. Hopelessness and fear cloud my every stressful thought. Where will I live? Where will I work? And as I write this I wonder how I will get to my orthodontist tomorrow because I don't have money or any gas left.
I can't breathe as I think of the hell I have been through with my mother. Five weeks and counting, I'll see the face I haven't seen in 14 months.The face of abandonment.  The face of someone who was supposed  to be my mother. The woman who left my father for another man. The woman I never knew.  The woman I haven't talked to in a year.  The woman who is going to marry another man.  How do I let that go?  My heart aches, I don't want to face her.  I never want to see her again.  But she's my mother. My... my MOM.  I can't even call her mom, it hurts.
Don't even get me started on the subject of boys and my heart.
But then there is the other side.  My niece coming in to the world in 8 weeks.  My best friend coming home in 3. Reconcilliation in my family.  Joy.
So it's a rollercoaster of emotion, a roller coaster of debate and fight.  God or Bad.  What will win?  Will I go up only to plummet straight down?  Will I just continue up straight to God?  I don't know, though I wish He would tell me something.  Anything.  Comfort.  Love.  A freaking hug.  Anything.
Anything.

Wendell Berry

The Mad Farmer Liberation Front
Love the quick profit, the annual raise,
vacation with pay. Want more
of everything ready-made. Be afraid
to know your neighbors and to die.
And you will have a window in your head.
Not even your future will be a mystery
any more. Your mind will be punched in a card
and shut away in a little drawer.
When they want you to buy something
they will call you. When they want you
to die for profit they will let you know.
So, friends, every day do something
that won't compute. Love the Lord.
Love the world. Work for nothing.
Take all that you have and be poor.
Love someone who does not deserve it.
Denounce the government and embrace
the flag. Hope to live in that free
republic for which it stands.
Give your approval to all you cannot
understand. Praise ignorance, for what man
has not encountered he has not destroyed.

Ask the questions that have no answers.
Invest in the millenium. Plant sequoias.
Say that your main crop is the forest
that you did not plant,
that you will not live to harvest.
Say that the leaves are harvested
when they have rotted into the mold.
Call that profit. Prophesy such returns.

Put your faith in the two inches of humus
that will build under the trees
every thousand years.
Listen to carrion - put your ear
close, and hear the faint chattering
of the songs that are to come.
Expect the end of the world. Laugh.
Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful
though you have considered all the facts.
So long as women do not go cheap
for power, please women more than men.
Ask yourself: Will this satisfy
a woman satisfied to bear a child?
Will this disturb the sleep
of a woman near to giving birth?

Go with your love to the fields.
Lie down in the shade. Rest your head
in her lap. Swear allegiance
to what is nighest your thoughts.
As soon as the generals and the politicos
can predict the motions of your mind,
lose it. Leave it as a sign
to mark the false trail, the way
you didn't go. Be like the fox
who makes more tracks than necessary,
some in the wrong direction.
Practice resurrection.


You do the math.

Hope

There is surely a future hope for you,
and your hope will not be cut off.
Proverbs 23:18

A light. A spark. Hope.
A smile. A hug. Joy.
Hope.

My family... Who I love but struggle to stand on solid ground with... The one who once seemingly rejected me. Whom I was practically estranged from... We've reconciled. We've apologized. Hugged. Loved.
Hope.

My sister, without invitation.... Is coming to church on Sunday.
Hope.

Praise God.

Silence

Jesus replied, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand." John 13:7

God's silence is deafening. It is a struggle when you have no clue what He wants of you.
What are you doing in my life? What do you want me me do? Silence
God, where are YOU? What do you want of me? Where do I go? What do I do? Silence
Am I like Job that you keep silent for pages on end? Until my life seems impossible? What have I done? Silence
All I hear. Silence
Hope begins to fade. What do I do? Silence
And then... I Will Not Hurt You
You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.. John 13:7

Sometimes... Sometimes God's Silence is Him telling you it will be okay. Trust Me.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."
Joshua 1:9

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deuteronomy 31:8