A Year in Reflection

As I sit here with the (fake) tree glowing behind me, worship music easing its way into my ears, I reflect on this insane year. Full of melancholy and sorrow for losses, and joy and happiness for laughter and growth.  Tears form as I just think about the pain and hardships endured, but fear not, I find joy. Inspiration.  Love. Hope. And Peace. I find faith as I question my God who responds with tear filled eyes asking why I doubt. He has failed me not, though through troubled times it seems that way.  Though, here I am, finding joy and adoration in the little things. Best Friends. Real relationships. Coffee Dates. Dancing. Giggles. Happy babies and sick cuddling ones. Growth. Hot chocolate with just enough whip cream.  Though it seems I often let the hard things take away from these happy times. No host family.  Divorce. Rejection. Another divorce. Finances.  Stress.  Unforgiveness. Tears. Abandonment. Sickness. No sleep. Best Friends moving away. And that list could easily surpass the list of good things.  Because I am a pessimist.  But I noticed, I've grown. My pessimism (or lack of faith) has changed this year, become more positive. Slowly, but it's there.  I believe. I know the plans He has for me. Well, I have faith that He has plans for me.  And He looks at me with those adoring eyes as I begin to fully let Him in. As I begin to let Him truly form me to His expectations.  Though I falter, I know everyone does, and I know that He sees me trying.  So as I stumble, He picks me up, and says He is proud of me.  Maybe I've stepped away, but I always come back.  I speak His Word with Love and Care, He speaks through me. And if He trusts me enough to do that, then I can have the faith to do as He asks.  So in this year, as I look back at my hardships with my family falling apart, spending my first Christmas without either one of my parents, wishing things were stable and working, I cry in hope that my family will some day come to know the Lord.  Know I don't judge who they are. I accept them, I just cannot portray it. In this I am weak. But know that God is working in me to grow and change and love no matter what.  I look back at the struggles that I have endured in this year alone, and I find hope and freedom that I am still standing.  I am still standing in Him. And after this year, a year I will never forget, I will know, I can feel that He has had me wrapped in His Arms the whole time. All I have to do is hold on.

Hopelessness

So, I'm approaching this topic, again, only because I have a new perspective on it.  In Matt's message today, he repeated "keep hoping, keep anticipating." Here I am. Still host family less.  Still alone.  And my hope is basically gone.  At this point, I won't be coming back next term for the internship because I need to get a more substantial job to move out and rent an apartment.  I've hit desperation.  And if that means I have to give this up, then so be it.  I've told God that I need a home.  He knows.  I've hoped.  I've anticipated. For four months. Not to mention the twenty plus years of what I would only describe as the loneliest life on the planet.  I have friends.  Cool.  Love. That's amazing.  But hey, they go home. To a family. Who loves them.  Accepts them.  Of which I am currently an outcast and am not welcomed. You'd think I'd feel loved, accepted. But no, my beliefs have become rejected. Mocked. Ridiculed. To the point of tears. Every night. My niece isn't allowed to talk to me. I'm treated like trash. I have no food. No money. My emotions are everywhere.I am completely alone except I have God with me.  That is enough.  Except when I am cut down to the point of tears every night.  I can't leave my room.  I have no food.  I feel hated.  And I'm attacked by my sister's friends who don't accept any part of who I am.  So.  You see why I have hit hopelessness??  Keep hoping.  Keep anticipating. How am I supposed to do that when I have nothing to hope for? Nothing.  Here I am. Rejected for the very belief that has made my life amazing. And yet, it seems to be destroying it all the same. 

MY BEST FRIEND IS HOME!!!

So, you picture that moment when your best friend, who has been gone since August, the longest you've ever been apart, for college, comes home.  You picture that tackle hug and squeeling and giggles and counting down until that moment??
Yeah. I did that.  But guess what? She decided to mess with my head.

Here I am, puking in the middle of class as I nervously await to give my sermon (manuscript posted below) and I come to find out that I am, yes, you got it, last. I wanted to punch my teacher (and friend) straight in the face as he laughed at me and responded yes to my dreaded "please don't tell me I am last!" Come to find out, my Best Friend, who also happens to be friends with Matt and Heidi, called ahead of time and intentionally made me last.  So here I am, two people left before me and I hear Amanda to my left say "Amy's Here." All calm and collected.  I turn my head because I swear I heard her wrong. What? "Amy's here" she says again, but this time she points to a familiar face in the corner of the room. I yeall NO WAY!! Across the room and burst in to tears.  Poor Jasmine. She is just about to give my sermon and I am bawling in the back of the room.  I walk out and eventually Amy follows.  Now you can picture that moment. You know, the one I posted in the beginning? Except add a little "You lied to me!" and "I had to hear your sermon!" and a text from my Kelsey saying she would be there but she is sick and has known about this for weeks! Okay, I'll get over the fact that they all kept this secret from me for weeks, because that was the BEST SURPISE EVER!!!!!! Okay, I'm over it. Because guess what? I am going over to her house to have our Cuddle Corn Fest. Tonight.  Yes! You heard me right... Cuddle Corn Fest.  The Fab. 4 (Amy, Tia, Kelsey, Myself) will be reunited tonight!! I named us that.  Not Copyright allowed. Anyway, I have to get to work.  I just wanted the whole world to  know...
My Best Friend is Home :)

Sermon Manuscript

People have been asking, here is my first sermon.  I added some improptu jokes and personal comments that are not written in, but here is the jist :)

Late one night, about two weeks ago, I was praying.  I was confused and lost as I was trying to write this sermon. I’d been at a road block for about a week when I finally cracked.  I cried and asked God why He wasn’t helping me.  In a fit of hope, I grabbed my Bible that I had tossed to the side in anger. I was fidgeting with my Bible as I looked up in some ridiculous attempt to hear God’s voice.  I finally closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and said “okay, I’m ready to listen.” I looked down at my Bible to begin looking for some sort of inspiration.  On the page that I had “randomly” turned to as I was fidgeting with my Bible, were two verses. Highlighted was Matthew 7:7, which said, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” Funny right? Okay. So I had asked for help in this panic that my sermon was due in two weeks.  Now, what would this help be?  Well, the second verse was underlined. Matthew 6:34 which says, “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”  Clearly, I was panicking more than necessary.  So I closed my Bible and slept very peacefully that night.  I woke up the next morning with fresh ideas and a clear understanding.  God was helping me. I had been in prayer through the whole process of my sermon, but I wasn’t in the Word. And God’s Word is the key to anything in life.  It’s funny really, because I wrote this sermon on Psalm 119, which is all about living in God’s Word.               

So, did you know, that not only is Psalm 119 the longest chapter in the Psalms but it also happens to be the longest in the Bible?  It focuses on God’s word. Loving it, following it, living it. Do you think that maybe, since it is so long and all about the Bible, that maybe, just possibly, reading your Bible might be important?   And since class is only a few hours long, I thought I’d save us all and only explain a portion of it.  Psalm 119:1 says “Blessed are those whose way are blameless, who walk according to the law of the Lord.” In other words, a happy and fabulous life is centered on God’s Word.  When God is the focal point in your life, you will know, because His blessings will be everywhere.

Moving to verses 9 and 10, the chapter continues to say this: How can a young person stay on the path of purity? By living according to your word. I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands.  How do you remain pure? By living according to God’s Word. Not only will God’s Word keep you in check but it will guide you to know right from wrong.  Seek God with all your heart and His commands will become easier for you to follow.  It will become like a second nature.

Verses 11 through 13 continue to say, I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.  Praise be to you, LORD; teach me your decrees. With my lips I recount all the laws that come from your mouth. How do you not sin against the Lord? By keeping God’s Word in your heart. Like I said, it becomes a second nature to follow God’s decrees.  In my Theology classes these last two semesters, we focused a lot in knowing Theology for “coffee shop” conversations.  In other words, we want to be prepared for those questions that people ask that in normal circumstances, we wouldn’t normally know off the top of our heads.  We learn about scripture and Theology so we can be ready for those “coffee shop” conversations in the car, at work, or wherever it may come up.  We study God’s Word to prepare ourselves to speak in to people’s life as well as defend whatever misconception someone may have about the Bible.  Memorizing Scripture is like a weapon. It fights for you and protects you.   Keep His word safe in your hearts.

We continue in verses 14 through 16 to read, I rejoice in following your statutes as one rejoices in great riches.  I meditate on your precepts and consider your ways.  I delight in your decrees; I will not neglect your word.  We must not neglect His word. His Statutes (laws) are there to protect us.  It’s a weird concept to think about, loving rules, but when you look at it, the benefits are apparent.  This is kind of a complicated concept to grasp so I have an example.  I have these friends, my mentor and her husband .  They have been married for just over two years and have been together for 5 years or so.  As believers, they met young.  They made vows to remain pure until marriage.  No it wasn’t always easy, but they did make it to their wedding night.  They did it because the Bible tells you to wait for marriage and they felt it necessary and rewarding to follow this command.  Again, it is never easy to follow rules such as this but the reward for it is amazing.  They can both say that they have only been with each other and their relationship with the Lord has strengthened because of this choice.  Another example would be Matt and Heidi. They moved here from Seattle, WA almost two years ago because God called them here.  We hear all the time about their kids being back in Washington without them, and it isn’t easy to leave them behind, but they talk non-stop about the blessings that they have received by coming here. That is what this section of scripture means by I rejoice in following your statutes as one rejoices in great riches.  Rejoice in the decrees He has given us. Do not ignore them. Do not reject them. No matter how hard you want to resist.  Read your Bible daily to understand who God is and what plans He has for you.  Like I said, it benefits us most when we follow these decrees, statutes, and precepts.  God uses our obedience for good.  By the way, Heidi gave me permission to use you as an example.

Skipping ahead a little to Psalm 119:30, we read, I have chosen the way of faithfulness; I have set my heart on your laws.  God’s Word is the truth. 

I became a Christian at fifteen years old.  I set my heart on God’s word and refused to go back to living of this world.  It’s never been easy, with all the people and temptations in the world, but I have leaned on God’s Word and have prospered for it.  God’s Word, Laws, Truths, and Promises are what have gotten me through these last five years. Scripture is the one thing I can go to when I am not sure what God has wanted of me. When I first became a believer, my Bible is what taught me how to live my life. Romans 12:2 led me away from the patterns of this world and onto a path toward God’s Plans.  When I struggled with self-esteem and feeling loved, God showed my Isaiah 54:10, and I began to understand God’s unfailing love for me.  When I started questioning my future, I began seeing Jeremiah 29:11 everywhere I went. My confidence in God grew as he revealed those plans to prosper me.  As I have grown as a believer. I’ve noticed the importance of God’s Word and how it essential to lean on His truth at all times.

Psalm 119:45-47 says, I will walk about in freedom, for I have sought out your precepts.

 I will speak of your statutes before kings and will not be put to shame, for I delight in your commands    because I love them.  We will have freedom in God’s Laws. God has set us free from sin. He has shown us in His Word how to live free from the stronghold of sin.  His laws will show us how to live a life for Christ without all the burdens of the struggles of this world.  Follow these precepts and you will find freedom in His commands.  Romans 8 verses 1 and 2 say, Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,  because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.  We are set free from sin and death.  All you have to do is seek God’s Word.  Talk about His word without shame to whoever will listen. Speak about His Word respectfully and in the right time and they will hear you.  Speak about God’s Word in love and compassion.  Delight in these commands.  Respect them. Live them out and you will be a light to the world.

Continuing on in Psalm 119, verse 165 says, Great peace have those who love your law, and nothing can make them stumble. Those who love the law will have peace.  Those who love God’s Law and follow it will not stumble.  Have you ever had a time in your life where things have felt out of control? Maybe in finances, stress, family, friends, divorce, or maybe the death of someone close?  Maybe you know someone else who is dealing with a difficult situation. Maybe that is happening for you now. I encourage you to pray about it. Pray for your friend. Seek out God’s Word.  Ask what you can do, where you can help. Ask God where He can help. I also strongly encourage you to seek God’s Word daily. Refresh your Spirit daily in His Word. Because as 1 Timothy 4:13 says, “Until I come, devote yourself to the public reading of Scripture, to preaching and to teaching.”   

Don’t be discouraged if your prayers aren’t immediately answered, as Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” The LORD declares that he has plans for you.  Lean on His truth and Word, and he will reward you greatly.

Pray

Christmas Joy

So right now I am laying on my favorite couch at the Lemmon house, with my "Worship and Praise" Pandora Station, blogging by the light of the Christmas tree under an electric blanket, and all I can think about is how blessed I am. There is something different about Christmas this year. My family has been ripped apart this year, and I honestly don't think there will be a Christmas at my house. As much as I am saddened by this, I feel joy. Not for the pain of divorces and segregation, and certainly not from the rejection I have now begun to receive, but for what I do have. It's weird that I'm not looking at the negative side, I am usually a pessimist, but I feel like God has change my heart, at least toward the holidays. Naturally I am not a Christmas fan, the family aspect of it. It was amazing and happy as a kid, but as a teenager, all I remember is sorrow, sadness, and last year, my father crying. My precious father in tears because things were so bad last year. And I still cry from that memory. But right now, I keep staring at this beautiful Christmas tree, as I did at the Kencke's the other night, and I find joy. Joy in the change in myself. Joy in Christmas music. Joy in the many cups of nonfat hot chocolate and hot cider that I wouldn't normally indulge in. Joy in my best friends. Joy in giggling in Starbucks about cute boys, the future, and God spoken relationships. Joy in Bible studies whether required or for fun. Joy in late night phone calls whether happy, stressed, or tear-filled, because the person on the other line is my best friend, sister, and most amazing friend in the world (i have two of them, an no, yours can beat mine!) Joy in constant worship music. Joy in my adopted little brothers ad sisters. Joy in cookie baking with Emilynn and Brooklyn, dance parties, cuddling, kisses, and prayers before bed. Jesus Loves Me with my niece. Dance recitals and smiles on M's face when I tell her we plan on having a girls day with her "twin". Kids and their parents calling me "Tuh-Tuh" (a name I hold dear) as they run up and hug me. Joy in the families who have invited me over for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Joy for helping decorate people's Christmas trees and getting Christmas cards. Joy for the overwhelming smell of Christmas trees and my need for constant "Country Christmas" on Pandora. Joy of what my summer away may hold. Joy that two of my favorite people in the world will be home this weekend and reuniting with my adopted family. Joy in Christmas lights and excitement about having a family at the church to worship and love on Christmas morning. As well ad the traditional Strombeck family afternoon Christmas. I have so much joy that it overwhelms me. There have been times where I have to tell God to slow down because it makes me so happy that I cry. Like right now. Haha. As "enough" plays on my Pandora all I can do is nod my head and believe it. I am exhausted and stressed out and writing sermons and preaching and taking finals, but it seems that every night for the last week God has given me this "joy session" even if it Is just a few minutes. I won't say that it will stay this way after Christmas, because I am pretty sure that will be a very difficult day, so for now I will call it Christmas Joy. And all I can say is Thank you, Lord.

My Devotion Manuscript

For those who want to read my devotion, here it is.
          

             There’s this girl I know. She grew up in a big family. Very Typical. Very Busy.  She grew up outside of the church with a faint idea of who Jesus was.  As a teenager, she attended youth group and became a believer.  Her family rejected this new life of hers, finding the Bible to be stupid and following God to be pointless.  When she became a believer she was at rock bottom.  Battling multiple eating disorders, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts and attempts, cutting, and she’d drink.  She was 15 years old.  She had no one she trusted and her family wasn’t there for her.  She wanted things to change.  That is when she discovered the love of Christ and put her life in God’s hands.  She had faith that He would help her. That’s what I want to talk about today, the power of faith, especially through the hard times. 

                The verses I want to talk about come from 1 Peter chapter 1. They were written by Peter to comfort those struggling through trials, encouraging them to have faith while they are working through them.

                1 Peter 1: 6-7 says, In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.

                Don’t just rejoice, but greatly rejoice.  Why? Because Christ will be revealed through your trials.  Your faith will grow.  The footnotes in my Bible say “such trials do not create faith; they reveal what is already there.” The verse says that your faith is greater worth than gold.  In those times gold was the most precious of metals. It perished in fire, but your faith does not.  Trials are temporary. You will get through your trials with Jesus there to help you. Through that process your faith will be refined and proved genuine.

                Peter continues on in verses 8 and 9 to say, Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

                We are saved. Forgiven. Sins forgotten. And as if that weren’t enough, Jesus is with us through our trials, to the point where we are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy.  Like verse 8 says, though you have not seen him, you love him. Faith. Even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy. That’s Faith.  Have faith and you are saved.  Have faith and you will get through it.  Have Faith. Jesus dies for your sins, He isn’t going to leave you now.

                Mother Teresa said, “God will never, never let us down if we have faith and put our trust in Him.  He will always look after us.”

                So. About this girl I was talking about earlier.  Though she struggled to find happiness, she did indeed find it.  She found a church to call home.  She found a family in that church where she got very involved. She is healthy and making the right choices. She chose to live God’s way and found happiness in His plan with her life.  She is going to become a Children’s Pastor.  Though things are far from perfect, she has had faith that God will help her through it.  How do I know this, you ask? That girl? She’s me.

Joy

So. I'm not one to admit when God slaps me in the face but tonight it was like I got punched.  I wouldn't say my life is amazing. I'd say it has been good.  I would also say it's been bad.  It depends on how I look at it. Matt said tonight that Facts plus Perspective equals Reality. I'd say my perspective has been a little off lately.  I have a lot going on with family and things outside of my control happening around me, and I seem to dwell on those negative things.  Those facts plus a negative perspective equals a dreadful reality.  On top of that, Amy has been drilling into my pessimistic brain to focus on the positive.  Have joy in all I do.  Or At least find it in the little things.I dwell on the negative a lot of times and don't focus on what God has put right in front of my face. Hello. And of course, I ignored my Best Friend. Stubborn. And then God punched me in the face tonight. He pointed out all of the good things in my life and how I am was completely acting like those good things are completely void.  I need to find joy in my life.  I'm going to start texting my joys to Amy. I'm going to force myself to focus on the positive. The negatives are going to eat me alive.  So here I am. On my blog. Declaring in some corn fest (corny) blog that I will be more optimistic.  I will find joy in every day. I will focus on the good that God has provided.  He has given me more than I could ever ask for. Even though I see things I think I need, He has given me enough. And enough is all I need. There is joy in enough.

Thankfulness

I should be asleep. But I went to the cemetery and got a late night phone call before I got to sit (lay) down and type this on my iPod (so excuse the edits)

Tonight at FUSION we talked about being thankful. I wasn't going to speak, but as usual, I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I've come to realize that lately I have been a terribly pessimistic person and don't often look at the positive things in life. Yeah. The negatives are slightly overpowering as I battle my first major bout of burnout and sickness. But tonight. God showed me the good in life. Who and what I am thankful for. So here goes.

I'm thankful for people. In my life, I value relationships (and sleep) more than anything else. People are very important to me. So is having support. And right now, I'm not experiencing a lot of support from my family (except my Dad). It is something i've come to expect. Which is something I have had to give to God and struggle with greatly. But He has given me my own family. Mentors. Best friends. Grandparents. Crazy aunts. Hysterical uncles. Little sisters. Big brothers. Supportive parents. All in Christ. All with experiences to learn from. Funny stories to tell our kids and future spouses. Lectures that I am more than grateful to accept (not that I intentionally earn them). Trust. Cooking lessons. Walks. Giggling and squealing about tv shows and future husbands. Fake web shows. Giggles. Crabbiness. The good. The bad. Unconditional love. Far from perfection. But they see something in me. They believe in me. Something I wasn't able to do until recently. There is something comforting about talking with one of my friends/mentors and coming to find out that they talked with someone else to help my well being. I had my doubts in starting the internship. But here I am. God put them there to answer my absolutely terrified and ridiculous questions on whether or not I should do it. While I've gone through these last 14 weeks without a host family I have found nothing but their blessings everywhere I go. I wouldn't be where I am and I thank God for these people every day.

The internship is something else I am thankful for. Not that I adore doing facilities or losing a lot of sleep or sitting in meetings that I don't quite understand. But In the grand scheme of it all, I see where my life has had an insane amount of growth. I may not feel different. But if I were to write out how I responded to a specific situation 9 months ago and then have the same thing happen now, I would have a completely different reaction. That's very vague but details are not really important here. I see how the choices I made had major consequences and I see how I should have responded now. And that's progress to me. I wrote about how I've progressed spiritually a couple of posts ago, and that alone needs it's own post. I see the blessings I have received, and even though financially I may not be doing very well, I know I will be okay. I have now 2 host family options that have come to be and I will be moving sometime in the next 2 weeks, depending on what works and what doesn't. I am terrified but I know God has a family for me. Somewhere I belong.

I'm going to break a rule of mine and use 2 specific names of people. I have about 30 people I could list but I fear that I might leave someone out and hurt their feelings. I am thankful for Amy Kae. We've both been very busy lately so we haven't been able to talk on the phone much. But she texts me every day. She always asks me to send her a joy from my day. I haven't been the most optimistic person and she refuses to let me be a Debbie Downer. She demands that I send her at least one joy a day. I refused at first, insisting that I was having really bad days. I was annoyed because she told me I had to do it, and I'm not one to respond positively to being told I have to do something. Over the last week I have slowly begun to give in to her demands that I used to find annoying. She told me that when she gets a text from me that's a joy. Or when Kelsey sends her Bible verses (frequently) she has joy in that. She showed me that joy doesn't mean my entire day has to be amazing. Find it in the small things. And now that I have given in to my stubborn antics I am starting to find more joys in my day. Even though she's 2 states away, has a very busy life, and is in her first semester of college, she still finds time to be my best friend. She isn't afraid to yell and tell me I am being stupid and that I need to give her these messages that I used to find to be so annoying. She may be far away but she isn't giving up on me. And for this, I'm thankful. my others person would be miss Kelsey Lynn. I've known her longer than Amy and yet we seem to have become friends and grown really close over that last like... 6 months? If that. She knows all and sees all. She knows me better than I know myself and vice versa. We have fun when we hang out whether having coffee, watching ridiculously addicting tv shows, or when one of us shows up at the others house. We talk about everything from absolutely hysterical to deathly serious. We laugh, we cry, we cry because we laugh. She feeds me and gives me clothes that I adore. We are ridiculously similar, minus the fact that my voice carries way farther than hers. She has been my saving grace these last few months. She was sort of my Spiritual guide when I was at the most confusing point of my life. She showed me God. And now we walk together. Physically and Spiritually. It's nice to have someone who is literally in the exact same place in their life as I am. I help her technologically challenged brain while she helps me stay sane. For this, I am thankful.

This post is way too long and I'm exhausted. But I can't end my blog without saying I am thankful for God!! I mean, He is the reason I am here right now. He is my strength. My salvation. My Best Friend. He loves me. And I think I take Him for granted a lot. I make Him smaller because I fear or get hurt by someone. But I know He is much bigger than anyone or anything in this life. I just need to recognize and reassure myself that He has never left me. Never will never forsake me. He will never leave me, abandon me, disappoint me. He will provide. I know this because He has kept me alive and safe. He was blessed me when I don't deserve it. Loved me when I have hated myself. Given me strength that I can't even explain. And for Him, for His Love, I am thankful.

Change. Yet Again.

So. I have a host family offer.  Yeah. Okay. I'm freaking out a little.  There are things that need to be worked out. Conversations to be had. Praying to be done. And possibly crying.  I mean, let's be honest here, I'm freaking terrified. There is a possibility to move into this home.  3 small children. Very nice people. And yet. I have this fear? Whaaaaat is the deal here? I live in a home where I have no food. No money (well, there's money, just not for me). No support (unless my Dad calls). 2 divorces. Custody issues. Drugs. And a pregnant sister who just moved back in. And I'm afraid to leave.  That sounds stupid.
But really, I feel logical in some of the fear. Rules? What the heck are those? Curfew? Oh, I have one with the internship. But no one notices when I come home late. Structure and Boundaries? I have no idea what any of that is. I've never had them. I told my Dad the rules of the internship when I told him I was doing it, and he asked why I needed rules. I didn't have any growing up. Besides clean my room. I did that anyway. What if I screw it up? What if I can't do it? I don't freaking know how. Drastic change. HUGE adjustment. I can't be that good at it. Yeah. Yeah. I need to shut up. Quit doubting myself. I hear people now.  But I don't do failure.  I fail and that's it for me. I quit.  I hate that part about me, and I'm working on it. But I'd rather not set myself up for failure.

Growing

This is one of two posts today. One for Rachel, one for myself. I need to post a blog about how the intership has changed me and so this is what I am doing.
14 weeks. That's how long I have been an intern at Faith Center. My home away from home.  I was wondering when I would change.  When I would grow.  Why hadn't it started yet?

And then, I was talking to Misty a few weeks ago.  I told her I wanted to grow. And somehow our conversation morphed into relationships. Once I got to talking (typing) about what I wanted out of a relationship (friendship and husband) she pointed out something. I had grown.  I thought this woman was nuts.  But I went back to read what I had said (thank goodness for technology) and I noticed that my entire perspective on relationships had changed.  I found a friend I fully and completely trust with absolutely every part of my being. And now I understand how real friendships are supposed to work.  It isn't that I didn't understand before, and it isn't like I didn't have those friends before, but I just feel like, even though they don't intend it, I was always judged or looked down on.  And I don't feel that way now.  I understnad how friends should make you feel. Trusting. Not hesitant. Good. Not bad.  Important.  Not shoved away. Smart. Not like a complete idiot.  As for the husband.  I wouldn't say I've had unhealthy relationships. I'd just say that there weren't ever relationships that we talked. Or went out. I never felt good about them.  Which explains why they were so short.  But now I fully understand God's plan. His purpose for me. Boundaries. How I should feel about my future husband. How he should feel. The importance of talking.  All of that. I'd say that I got that idea from watching what not to do with my parents who got divorced 6 months ago, but that I was ALL God.

What else. Oh. Hey. I can pray. In front of people. Only if you don't tell me I have to. I hate that.  And I refuse whenever that happens. I wouldn't say I'm confident. Or anywhere near comfortable.  But I practice whenever the chance arises.  Unless I'm tired or in a bad mood.  It's terrible that it takes me being in a good mood and on my own accord to do it, but I'm progressing people.  Considering I bawled my eyes out the first time I lead Bible Study because I was so terrified, shows progress.

Hmm. Oh. Well. I receved my prayer language. No big deal. HA Except it happened when I told God I had no more strength. And then HELLO. I have no idea what I said but I felt so much better after laying in bed crying for hours.  I looked up this word that I kept saying over and over again and it is Portuguese for "steps." Take one step at a time? maybe. I have no idea.  But yes. Holy Spirit. HELLO.

Uhm. What else. I'm not very cohearant today, so maybe this was a bad day to write.  But it's what I've got. i can't think of much else. Now that I feel like I am bragging about myself, I'd just like to say, This is all because of God. Not me. So Praise God.  I'm falling asleep.  I need to stop typing.

My Testimony

So, If y'all didn't know, I've never given my testimony. And then I started my new term at the Institute and was required to give it in 5 minutes or less. So I actually had to write it. And now, I will display it for the world (well, the few who see this) to read. Enjoy!
P.S. If I have known and learned from you over the last 5 years of my life.... I thank God for you every day. So this is for you... as much as it is for me.

My name is Teresa Repair and I am twenty years old.I was raised in a non Christian home with 3 sisters and both of my parents.  My Dad was raised Catholic after he was adopted and I don't think he wanted us to feel pressured to do something that he didn't like doing as he grew up. So, I was not taught about Jesus. I was in sixth grade when I began attending Uturn, Faith Center's Youth Group. I went for friends and because my sisters  did.  However, when they stopped going, I kept going.  I was in eighth grade when I really began to understand salvation but I think I resisted for a while.  However, after going through a very tough freshman year of high school I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior at fifteen years old.  I became involved in our Christian club on campus. Fellowship of Christian Athletes, and I have 3 close friends from that group as well as adopted parents. FCA is where I began to understand what life was like as a believer.  My friend Kelsey introduced me to the first Bible verse that I remember learning and memorizing.


Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Romans 12:2

This verse opened my eyes.  My sophomore year of high school is when I began conforming to people's expectations.  My sister, at age 16 went into rehab for drugs and alcohol and I began a five year struggle with bulimia and anorexia.  This verse, though I still dealt with those issues, opened my eyes to see the control that I allowed the people around me to have in my life.  I started attending Uturn for God, not friends, praying outside of church, and I became a leader at our Junior High's Youth Group (back in those days it was separated between junior high and high school).  I began irregularly attending Sunday services (when my Dad was home he would give me a ride) and once I got my license I began attending regularly and volunteering as well.  Summer 2009 was a huge Summer for me.  I graduated high school, Aaron Hinrichs baptized me, I went to my first camp, followed by my first missions trip.  Lindsay, my mentor, got married and my niece was born (on the same day). My niece, the light of my life, gave me hope. Hope that maybe I could bring Christ into my family.  I brought her to church every week for the first year of her life.(it's a little more complicated these days)  God completely changed my life that Summer. It took me writing this out to see that.  Currently, I am an ELN intern at Faith Center, I attend the North Coast Bible Institute (I plan to graduate and become a Children's Pastor), I have found a church family full of baby sisters, big brothers, friends, and what I have needed the most, moms.  Currently, I am still the only believer in my family. In the last 6 months, my sister has gotten divorced and dealt with custody hearings for my niece, I've called on the police on my sister for drinking and putting me in danger, my little sister moved in with her boyfriend and is 11 weeks pregnant, and my parents got divorced.  My mother moved to Arizona (and just got engaged to another man) and my Dad works out of town 10 months out of the year with my sister.  By looking at their lives I see the strength I have. Strength I have because of God.  I've remained strong (generally speaking) through the people He has provided and by leaning on Him through everything.  I want my family to see what the Lord has done for me. I want them to see what pain He has kept me safe from and how He has loved me unconditionally.  He has changed my life.  I want them to see it too. He has kept me from the lives that they are all currently struggling to live through and I want them to see that He is there for them.  I want them to see that I don't judge them, that I support them.  I want them to see how God's Love sets them free, just has God has set me free.

Pathetic Desperation

So, fancy me, I am blogging on my iPod. Without editing  So no, no fancy me. Why? I can't make my fonts all cute and italicized and bold. Or bigger. I'm very self conscious about my font... Hopefully I can portray how I am feeling without cute pictures and larger font words... Okay. Away from the insecurity. This one anyway. 

so. I'm babysitting late tonight. Kind of desperate for money. You see, I'm broke. No back up money. No parents to help. Alone. And a little stressed. God has provided me very well these last 12 weeks. But you see, it's wearing thin. I'm exhausted. 

I feel a little lost. A little confused. I question this every day because that's just who I am. Only thing is, I have a reason. If you didn't know, I am still host familyless. No one at home supports me. Well. My Dad says do what I want as long as I am going somewhere. But you see, he is gone. Work. Has been since May. I have spent roughly 5 days with him since my birthday... Which was may 6. Some times we had a meal and then he left. Which I am still grateful for. But I miss him. My parents are divorced. Recently. Like march recently. So my mom lives in Arizona. And she got engaged on Monday. Touchy subject. But. Again. She isn't here either. My little sister is pregnant and lives with her boyfriend. She's never around. My other sister is with my Dad. Gone. My oldest sister lives with me. Just went through a divorce and custody hearing. She isn't a believer. So I don't talk with her much. My niece. Saves. My. Life. Mark? He's around. Not family. No thanks. Minus the baby who saves my life, I'm alone. It's getting extremely difficult. If i was on a computer, this would be where I put the word "extremely" in bold, italics, and extra large. I struggle. I stumble. God catches me. He saves me. But He also says life is about relationships. Support. I need support. And I want it where I can call my house a home. I want a home. To be loved. Supported. Strengthened. Prayed with. People to eat meals with. Something to come home to. Happily. Joyfully. I have no idea how Christmas or Thanksgiving will be. First holidays with a completely separated family. And my Dad has to work. This is why I always hate october through January. Halloween. Pumpkins. Thanksgiving. Family. Food. Happiness. My dad is going to be i San Francisco  my best friend and Her family in Seattle. Christmas. I'm the only one who believes in Jesus and my Dad has hated Christmas for as long as I can remember. New years. Whoop de do.
 I'm hitting desperation. I have lived on pasta and cup o noodle for the last 2 weeks. Not exaggerating. My stomach hurts. I need real food. I want vegetables. Fruits. Get rid of the freaking sodium and carbs. And the 10 pounds I have gained. And the major loss in confidence. I want to be able to talk about my day with someone who won't call my Holy Spirit physical healing a fake. Or someone who has encouraging Bible verses. I. Need. A. Home. I want someone who cares if I break curfew. Calls to check in on me. Tells me no. Asks me to help cook dinner. it hurts to be alone in this. I have friends. Without them I wouldn't be here. But what do I go home to? Alone. No support. The most uncomfortable bed on the planet. So you see, while most people go home to their families who support them, Are at least present, who even just ask about their day, I come to the place of residence where I don't want to be. Alone. Supportless. And I am pretty sure no one reads my blog. So this is probably pointless. Showing my desperation. Pathetic. But I am tired of waiting. I have been praying for almost 3 months. Help. Please. 

Intern: week 10 or something like that

As you can tell, I have lost count of the weeks. that is so easy to do these days. I mean, it consumes my life in all ways, good and bad. and I'm not complaining.  Aside from some over exhaustion I am doing fabulous.  Okay, that's a lie. My life is a little complicated, but this internship makes it a little more bearable.  I am doing what God has asked me to do.  I'm exhausted. But I keep going.  Pushing on. Perseverance. So I sleep a little less, cry a little more.  That's my new normal. And I am generally okay with it.  As long as my Mondays and Saturdays are there to sleep in.  I can handle it.  I'm being pushed. Praying. Seeking. Persevering. I just have to believe it while I am operating on four hours of sleep, with two term papers, two finals, and a book i do not want to read, all due around the same date.  But i did it. I persevered. Well, my final was moved to Wednesday, but I did the rest. And I may be terrified about passing that class, but I can do it.  Why? Because God is on my side.  I am not alone.  I have been through a lot these last few weeks and the devil is pushing me. HARD. But I've told him no. He has lost that power. I am strong when I am weak. Why? Because I have Jesus.  Duh.  Like it isn't the most obvious thing in the world?? Okay, so maybe I didn't see it.  Sometimes I still don't. But I do.  He has brought me through hell and back. And I wouldn't change the process in which it took me to cross that freaking finish line.  I am away from my past. Focused. Pursing my God. I'm not looking back. Okay, maybe I am. I can't help it. But I am taking steps.  Keep walking. That's all it takes. Steps. In the right direction of course. This is kind of what I have been figuring out these last few weeks.  I am on a sort of mini vacation right now, and after the first night of NO sleep, I am going to be sleeping full night sleeps until I get home.  I need it. So I don't burnout. Or lose my mind. Because it is heading that direction.  But in this, I am noticing the devil going after me. When I am tired.  So I keep awake. Stay refreshed. Keep walking. I'll feel okay when I am a little lazy.  I like lazy. Especially when I have a very small amount of time to be lazy.  I will take my time to breathe.  Take my time with Christ. And I will survive. And maybe I will find a little more time to blog :)

"Don't be so driven by your past that you throw away your future."
-Katherine Beckett

My Best Friend

So I love my Best Friend.  Today is her eighteenth birthday and I am in Kirkland with her and a million of her floor mates.  We were talking about our lives and we talked a lot about our friends and how we are doing with our new lives.  We have realized who our real friends are in the last 10ish weeks.  We both began new journey's within a week of each other and that was the hardest thing to let go: my person.  She is who I had for everything. Good. Bad. Terribly Ugly. She knows absolutely everything about me, my family, my life. She knows my pet peeves, my quirks, and sometimes I drive her crazy. But she tolerates me.  She loves me through it all.  I have one other person in my life that I can say that about.  And she is home. But Amy is far away.  Sometimes too far away.  But she has never left me.  I call her in the middle of the night bawling my eyes out.  She does the same. (though she is a lot less emotional than me)  She has never ever given up on me, and she believes in me. She trusts God's plan for me, even when I don't. And she still finds the time to do her homework and live her own life.  We talk every day.  I can't remember a day where we haven't talked on the phone, facebooked, skyped, texted, heytelled, or recieved/written a letter.  She is the only person who has ever... and i mean ever... kept in contact, or even stayed my friend when they left. And she has stayed my Best Friend. She makes the effort, as well as I, but I feel loved. Every. Day. Because I get a hey.  She loves me for me.  Judgment free. Every Day. Like God. And she shows me Christ's love.  Which I so desperately cling to.  And she has no idea how much it helps.  Well I guess she will now.  I know God gave me her to be my best friend.  my sister. my family.  She has given me her family.  her life. She's adopted me as a sister.  And for this, I am Thankful. Grateful. Blessed.

So Amy, Amer, Yams, Amy Jacqueline Kae, Googles, Boo.
Happy Birthday.
I Love You.
Always,
Teresa, Resa, Arte, Bing.
Your Best Friend.

first heartbreak

God moved in my life in extreme ways this week.
Forgiveness. Love. Joy. Peace.
I'm exhausted but happy.
Until I get this phone call.
Devastation fills my heart.
I can't fully comprehend what is happening until I talk about it.
And then the tears flow.
Plans destroyed.
A future no longer seen.
Brokenhearted.
What is this?
Tears?
Over a boy?
Never has this happened to me.
I'm strong. Independent.
Then I stumble.
Why did I allow my heart into this?
Why would i get so involved that heartbreak is even a possibility?
And now all I can do is cry and feel like a child.
I don't do this.
I don't risk my heart.
Because it breaks.
And I don't know how to put it back together.

just thoughts

Where am i going?
Who am i becoming?
Why is my life the way it is?
Why do these things keep happening?

My life this week has not been normal to say the least.  Exhaustion has over powered me.  Family drama has instilled.  Here I am not getting any sleep... again.  I have to be up in less than 6 hours... it's after midnight and I am just tired. Yet I cannot sleep.  I have so much anticipation and dire need for tomorrow to be over that I can't seem to allow myself to fall asleep and get there quicker.  Sleep won't be easy tonight and neither will tomorrow.  I have had a very scary week.... My brother in law fell asleep at the wheel and hit a telephone pole... with my poor helpless niece in the back seat.  Just thinking about it makes me what to bawl my eyes out.  But i know she is okay. Safe. I guess? I haven't been able to see her yet and my sister is bringing her to the church tomorrow so I can hug the living daylights out of her.  How I feel about my brother in law right now is not something I want to discuss but it has caused me to feel SO tired.  I slept so much last night (called in to work, went in after 1) and yet, I woke up feeling sick. tired. exhausted. drained. And there is no way to make that feeling go away.  The accident still happened. It will always have happened.  I still live at home. I still don't have a host family.  I am getting upset.  frustrated. desperate.  I can't take any more "maybe it is God's intention" talks. I have been at this house for 20 years. I am the ONLY believer. I am alone. This isn't exactly where I can live and feel okay. I can't help but cry EVERY TIME. I think about being here.  the people aren't terrible, but the crap that happens is.  The unsupportiveness is unbearable. The insane situation with my parents divorce, the roommate,  my sister's divorce, the accident, my sisters, my mother, myself is getting out of hand.  It's consuming me.  Even if I am at the church ALL THE TIME. It isn't calming my nerves.  The early weeks of the internship are over and I am out of my gleeful haze of "everything will be perfect all the time" ridiculous expectation for my entire life to change.  It has changed in a lot of ways. And yet, it feels... the same.  I can't take it much longer and I am not sure what I am supposed to do. I mean, a host family isn't going to come out of nowhere.  They have asked so many people. I'm losing hope.

And I am broke. literally. That doesn't help anything.

oh... HEY God...

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.

Deuteronomy 31:5-7

It has been a difficult week.  Okay.  How about, difficult few days.  Starting with Thursday.  7am. Homework. 9am. Bible Study. I'm up.  I burst in to tears.  Not quite what I had in mind.  After Bible study... hysterics once again. What is my problem? Lack of sleep.  Lack of prayer.  Lack of faith. And my Dad is leaving. Okay, he left. Afternoon. Facilities.  Music Loud. Vocals out of tune. A whole lot of mopping. Work day over.  2 hours of homework. 3 hours of class. I fall asleep in class.  I don't think I have ever done that.  Misty's. Home at 11. Rookie Blue. Bed.  Friday. 7am alarm. Fail. 9am alarm. Groaning. Trip to Ferndale. Paint. Move Stuff. Clean up. Homework. 4pm. Home. last night with my Daddy. movie. hanging out. ignoring the idea of Saturday morning. ignoring the idea of Goodbye. Quality time.  The Help with Kelsey. home. Bed. Saturday. 7:45am. First thought. "Stupid Bigfoot." No joke. Bye Daddy. 8:30 am. Willow Creek for the "Stupid Bigfoot" parade. Enjoyable. Absolutely Ridiculous. Lunch. Worst food service ever. Exhausted. 2:30pm. Homework. 6:30pm. Service. Topic? Forgiveness. Me? In tears... again. Pathetic.  Dramatic. Annoying. Now. 9:50 pm. ready for bed. up at 7 tomorrow. Both services. and more Homework.  

Seeing a sucky pattern? Or just me complaining?

Something is missing.
Hello! Did I ever mention God? aside from my epic fail at Bible study. . . due to lack thereof. . . NO. . . you didn't hear me say anything about God. Why? because I ignored Him. All week. Because I am stubborn.  And sometimes, I can be seriously selfish. Why? Because. I miss my best friend. I don't want to wake up early. I can't eat normal because my teeth hurt. I am having facebook withdrawals. I am tired. I like to complain too much. I need to STOP saying I. This is NOT about ME. When did I realize this? When someone else asked me to pray for them during worship.. My first thought. "I do not want to sound like an idiot. I don't want to do this. I..." "What are you doing?"  "What the heck was that??" "Stop being so selfish." "Oh. . . HEY . . . God . . ." "Pray for this girl. Pray for my child." 

I took a breath. Confidence. And I prayed.

And you want to know something? I Feel Free. Changed. Loved. So... HEY God... can I walk with You on the path You want me to take? I'm sick of the one I made.

Internship Week One

Well, it's Thursday! To say I am relieved is an understatement. I just want to sleep all day tomorrow.  We don't have outreach so i get to sleep in, which will be nice.  Not to say I do not welcome this exhaustion, well I don't, but I at least feel good about it, I feel like I accomplished something.  This week has been insane and amazing at the same time.

Tuesday (Day 1): introduction and worship.  I was nervous for this because we are in a big room singing.  It may take me a while to feel comfortable singing out loud... I don't do it unless my voice is blocked out by loud music.  After that we went to our departments.  I am in Pastoral Care for the next 6 weeks.  Which means I am helping Pastors Matt, Heidi, Susan, and Gary.  I was going crazy this day.  My first job as an intern was to clean out 2 of the church vans. (SO GROSS!) I had 5 meetings that day, one with each Pastor and one with Matt and Curt.  I ran a few errands, did stuff for the bulletin this weekend, made phone calls, answered some phone calls, and did copies.  The day went by fast and slow at the same time. I only stopped moving when it was lunch time.  And for half of lunch I was driving with Jasmine to get a bagel.  Afterwards, I met with Heidi for the women's retreat and planning work I needed to do for her and stayed for dinner.  Then I went back to Uturn for the Rising Union concert.  I slept well that night.

Wednesday (day 2, Amanda started!): Now, the beginning of this day was difficult.  The morning is where I think I struggled.  I was ashamed to already be struggling in the program... i mean, day 2? But I get why.  And I'm not as ashamed any more.  As orientation was finishing up, I found out that I am in charge of our devotionals/bible studies on Thursday mornings... and my first day starting? Today.  So I had less than 24 hours to come up with some sort of Bible Study or Devotional.  I literally just burst into tears.  It's something I will have to get used to, I'm in ministry for goodness sake. I think the pressure of knowing that whoever is listening to the lesson or study is going to take it with them and use it.  I just don't do well with people watching me.  It took me an hour to calm down and I used the rest of my study time (Wednesdays study time is 10-12) to do homework (which I should be doing now... darn!). we had lunch and then departments from 1-4. I went to a PPC (something pastoral or something?) meeting for an hour and a half.  More phone calls.  Then hospital visits with Pastor Gary.  The thing that stuck about these visits was how grateful the patients were for our brief stop and prayer.  I think I will be asking to go on more visits soon.  After sleeping form 7-8 (whoops) I woke up to spend a little friend time with Kelsey.  I needed to get out.  I am around a ton of people but I just felt like i needed a time to relax and laugh.

Thursday (day 3): My Bible Study? A success you could say.  I played the song "Amazed" and read out of Ephesians, and we journaled.  It was difficult but effective, you could say.  After devos we went to departments. I made over 30 phone calls, went to a CWT meeting at Club 5:17, made more calls, and was in Facilities from 2:30-4:30. I did a few dishes and then mopped for over an hour and a half.  I got my work out in, let me tell you.  Now I am sitting in Starbucks, have been since 5 and am about to leave with Amanda and Jasmine for our 3 hour Acts class.  I will be sleeping well and resting and doing homework tomorrow.  This week is technically only half way over, with the huge "See You At Sequoia" event this weekend. 3pm people!! Be there! We also have the 9 and 11 services and class on Sunday night. I need to finish my homework and start on my next bible study


This program is going to push me. I am already being pushed, which is good, but i am hoping to stay motivated.  I am going to look back on this post in a few months and a year to see if things have changed for me and if I have grown.  Right now, I can't pray in front of people, which is the one big thing I am working on being comfortable with, and have been for years.  Devos this morning was very difficult, I was ready to cry the whole time I was talking because I felt so much pressure, but i know that with time it will be so much less stressful for me.  The study was kind of personal to me.  The song "Amazed" by Desperation band has had a huge impact on my life.  I listen to it every night before i go to bed and I still find new things in it that amaze me about how great out God is.  And as I was journaling I just felt like God was saying "I am here."  I have been feeling very lonely lately, I have no family living with me right now.  My mom is living in Arizona, and my Dad and sister have been working in Washington since May.  I miss them.  It's been hard and I seem to forget that God i right by my side ALWAYS.  And this morning's lesson helped me realize that.  I'm Amazed...

One more thing.  This is long and I have no idea who reads this so... sorry!  I am having a hard time not separating myself from the other interns (Amanda and Jasmine). I seem to do it without realizing but I am kind of on my own.  It isn't them, but I am pushing to be alone and that isn't going to work for long.  I just feel at odds with myself and most of the time prefer to be alone.  Doing homework alone.  Letting them do work together and volunteering alone.  I don't know... I'm trying but unwilling to just let myself be social.  I seem to shut down in the mornings, aside from today, which could mean progress, but I prefer to be silent (amazing right?!) So if someone wants to keep me accountable on this I would appreciate it.
That's my first week! I won't be doing this weekly, no time!  But I will try a few posts every once in a while or if some sort of event occurs. Thanks!

P.S. I am the only interns still Host-Familyless... so if you know of anyone or you yourself feel God has put it on your heart, contact the church :)

Insomnia

So lately I have been having a very difficult time sleeping.  It has been about 3 or 4 weeks of constant tossing and turning.  I hit my breaking point yesterday when I was operating on 3 hour of sleep.  I was wide awake (but exhausted) and tossing and turning until 5:30 am.  And of course, i couldn't sleep past 8:30, so where did that leave me? A mess.  I had my niece's second birthday party at my house and the entire time I felt like I was totally snappy and rude, and I really hate that side of me.  Granted, I am generally always like that with my family, but i was like that with some friends who were in attendance as well.  I have about one day a week where I sleep a solid 8 hours, but I tend to wake up every couple of hours during the night.  The only reason I get "so much" sleep those nights is because my body is completely run dry and can't handle it any more.  I don't understand why all of a sudden I am up until 2 or 3 crying because I have been tossing and turning for 5 hours... and this happens almost every night.  It isn't my caffeine intake (which i have cut down with no positive results). It isn't because I have been getting too much sleep (HA). And isn't because I'm sitting around doing nothing every day.  My days off are spent relaxing because I am so tired from no sleep, waking up early, having kids and orthodontist appointments, and going home to not sleep and starting the process over again.  I'm not sure if I am just stressed from my home environment, nervous for the internship, moving out, or what.  I  mean, what could it be?  I drink decaf coffee after 2pm. I have tried sleeping pills, NO success, and I am beyond exhausted when it is time to sleep.  I have no idea what to do any more but I am starting to run dry.  If anyone has ANY suggestions, PLEASE feel free to suggest! I have a very specific way I go to sleep and I have been on that schedule for a long time.  I tried switching it up and keeping it the same with practically the same result. With the Internship starting in 15 days I need to figure out something fast.

Sacrifices

As the countdown to the internship gets shorter and shorter, I'm realizing the things in my life that are going to change... The sacrifices I am going to be making.  I'm so thrilled and sad at the same time.  I have a whole new life beginning in just a few weeks and it is hard to picture the change.  I'm moving into a host home, starting a new job (well more like starting to work towards my career), leaving the kids behind, and moving away from my niece.  This sounds totally dramatic, I'm sure.  I'm not really known to react well, but change is hard for me.  I think that is something I will be working on during the internship.  I've never left home before, though everyone has technically left me.  I've basically been living alone for 2 months.  But it is a very different feeling knowing I am leaving the place where I grew up for the last 20 years (even if it doesn't contain the best memories). I think I am just a little afraid of how it will go.  I am confident it will be perfectly fine, but I have this tendency to freak out about something until it gets going.  I am starting a whole different career path as well.  Now there is a scary thought.  I am absolutely certain that this is where I am called to be, but I am absolutely terrified out of my mind.  I think it is because this is the first time that I am completely choosing to operate by Faith.  I have never felt called to a specific purpose in my life and I know this is right, I am just afraid.  I think the theme of this change is fear.  Fear of the unknown. I mean, I KNOW i will be okay, I TRUST that it will be amazing and life changing, and I have FAITH that this is what I am supposed to do.  So is it wrong to be afraid?

Also, I know I won't be completely done watching kids, and I know I will see them more often than I think I will, but it's weird.  I don't want to lose those moments with my favorite little people.  The moment when I walk in the door and I hear "Teresa!!" or when I leave they start crying or want to do our special handshake.  The moments when they tell me a story about this amazing day they had a few weeks ago and I realize it is a day we spent together.  I don't want the babies, in 2 or 3 years, to forget that I spent an entire year or more with to forget all the fun times we had.   I have memories with these kids that I don't want to forget.  I got to have the baby brothers and sisters that I wanted growing up. (yes, I have a younger sister but she is only a year and a half younger)  It's those moments with these kids that I don't want to give up.

Katelyn and Dylan are who I hang out 

with the most (18ish hours a week)

They don't do well taking pictures WITH

me... so I just take pictures of them

And then I have these two crazies who I adore 

like my sisters.

They pose with me a little TOO well :)

Every moment I spend with these 4 kids is precious to me.  Not to forget the 20 other kids hat I sporadically have on my schedule and get excited to spend time with.  Even on the days where they make me want to pull my hair out make them go to bed.  I love them so much. 

The one other thing i struggle with is not being able to live with my niece.  Yes, exhausting, but that angel is one of the only little girls in this world that makes me believe in miracles.  She is the cutest, sweetest, and silliest little girl I know.  She is going to be 2 years old in 2 weeks and I am not ready for that.  Right now, I see her maybe two times a week (and I'm supposed to live with her!).  I can see her as much as I can during my free time when I start the internship, but I am afraid that I am going to miss her growing up.  That she won't want to play the "kissy game" or take silly pictures with me.  I won't be able to cuddle with her and watch Toy Story when ever I want.  Or hear her in the morning running down the hallway screaming "auntie" and bursting through my bedroom door to climb into bed with me.  It is a hard thing to face, feeling like I am going to miss out on so much...

I think that if I were to start this internship with nothing to lose, it wouldn't have as much of an impact on me.  I think that by having these sacrifices, I am more determined to pursue this path.  I don't want to pretend that I won't miss my kids, my niece, and even home sometimes, because I think it is better for me to miss them than to not.  It gives me more purpose to finish what I'm starting. I am sacrificing a lot (emotionally, for me) to be in this program. But I am thanking God every day for this new life experience that I will never regret participating in or look back and regret leaving this time behind.  I know that this has all prepared me for this crazy journey that is just a few weeks away from beginning.