Mothers Day

"Why didn't she want me?"
But I want you

God can speak to you without you even realizing it.  A thought can pop in to your head that's not your own (usually what happens to me). A voice may sound. A scripture might speak to you. Someone may be Holy Spirit punched and talk to you (my own frequent occurrence). And the million other ways that God works... but really... He's speaking the same message.
I love you.
In any situation.... there will be triumph, there will be tribulation.  But rejoice... because God loves you.

Here's my story...

My mother and I are not on speaking terms.  I'd say we're estranged but she sends one or two random texts a month.  She left 14 months ago... divorced my father for another man in Arizona who she is now engaged to.  Mother's day is my least favorite day of the year.  Clearly, you can see why.  My heart is so hardened toward her.  I had a time where forgiveness occured... I had let go, God took over for all my past hurts.  Two weeks later I find out she got engaged... on facebook.  She was mad that I didn't comment on her new relationship status.  Whatever.  I don't want to call her "mom" any more. She never was anyway.  I refer to her as my mother.  I just don't have the guts to call her by her first name to her face.  I'd love to see the hurt I would cause by doing so, but I know that is the devil and not Christ. 
So mothers day... not my day.  I spent half the day crying.  I hate that... I haven't cried in months... I'm happy.  She just likes to spoil that happiness.  As I am crying out in my car I ask "Why didn't she want me?" over and over again. And then a thought pops into my head But I want you.  More tears.  Happiness. Joy this time.  Ugh.  No more pity party for me.

I want you too, God.

A Word for today

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33

I recieved a new devotion for my birthday, come to find out that it is Tia Lynn's favorite.  Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. This morning I lead devotions on peace; peace of mind, peace of spirit, letting go.  And now I have to post what my new devotional book said this morning.

May 8

Do not long for the absence of problems in your life.  that is an unrealistic goal, since in this world you will have trouble. You have an eternity of problem-free living reserved for you in heaven.  Rejoice in that inheritance, which no one can take away from you, but do not seek your heaven on earth.
Begin each day anticipating problems, asking Me to equip you for whatever difficulities you will encounter.  The best equipping in My living Presence, My hand that never lets go of yours.  Discuss everything with Me.  Take a lighthearted view of trouble, seeing it as a challengw that you and I together can handle.  Remember that I am on your side, and I have overcome the world.

For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.
Isaiah 41:13

I can do all this through him who gives me strength.
Philippians 4:13

One thing Remains.

Love, Plans, Prayer

Something that has been on my heart a lot lately is Love.
God's Love.
His Plans.

My life hasn't been very easy these days, but really, that's to be expected in this imperfect world.  But I've finally come to terms with a lot of things and have figured out my life. God's plan.
I wouldn't say I have figured out the secret to life... just.... how to live in this world.  Clearly God's ways are better than my ways.  Always have been.  I've accepted that.  But, until the recent weeks, I wasn't really comfortable not knowing for myself what God has for me.  I still don't fully know, but I have officially become comfortable not knowing.  For me, this is a huge step.  I am always in constant need of control or perfection... God has taken this burden and made it into something better.  Trust.  Faith.  Love.
I was driving to drop off my resume and I told God.... "This is Yours. I'd love to have this job, I really would, but if this isn't what You have planned, okay.  I may be upset, but I know that You have something better.  Something better that I cannot comprehend.  And if this is what You want, what You have planned, thank you for leading me this direction."   I went in there thinking there wasn't going to be a job, but alas, there is one spot.  And hey, I may not get this job, but what really matters to me is that I am letting God take this.  I don't want the burden, I don't want the stress.  Sure, when I call again today (boss was sick for 2 days) I will be nervous, but really, God has it.  And if I don't get this job, I have a back up.  I am comfortable with my summer.
But had I not let that go.... imagine how I'd be!  I let myself stress for a while but that seriously messed with me.  So I'm much better off.
What I got out of this experience is that God's plans... His Love.... it prevails over anything in this life.  Yes, I have always known that... but I never accepted it for myself.  And now I have.

I've always struggled with prayer.  Sure I can pray now (!!) in big groups, small groups.  But alone I am dreadful.  In the car I look like the crazy person talking to themself.  That's about the only place I feel like I have a realistic conversation with God.  In devos, before bed, when I think about it, it is so heartless and a blanket prayer.  In my car, or actually sometimes as I am getting ready to leave, my prayers just kind of flow.  And it isn't the deep conversation I hope to have.  I feel like I'm talking to my best friend, which is great, but is that wrong?  I feel like I'm only partially there or something.  But what I have gotten out of this is a few conversations that I have had with people.  God told me to move.  So I'm going.  I'm excited, I'm ready.  And tonight I am having a pretty serious conversation with someone... because God told me it was okay.  But are all my prayers supposed to sound like this?  I feel like they're surface level... different than when I pray out loud, or with the youth, or in our devotions.  I don't really know how it's supposed to go...