just thoughts

Where am i going?
Who am i becoming?
Why is my life the way it is?
Why do these things keep happening?

My life this week has not been normal to say the least.  Exhaustion has over powered me.  Family drama has instilled.  Here I am not getting any sleep... again.  I have to be up in less than 6 hours... it's after midnight and I am just tired. Yet I cannot sleep.  I have so much anticipation and dire need for tomorrow to be over that I can't seem to allow myself to fall asleep and get there quicker.  Sleep won't be easy tonight and neither will tomorrow.  I have had a very scary week.... My brother in law fell asleep at the wheel and hit a telephone pole... with my poor helpless niece in the back seat.  Just thinking about it makes me what to bawl my eyes out.  But i know she is okay. Safe. I guess? I haven't been able to see her yet and my sister is bringing her to the church tomorrow so I can hug the living daylights out of her.  How I feel about my brother in law right now is not something I want to discuss but it has caused me to feel SO tired.  I slept so much last night (called in to work, went in after 1) and yet, I woke up feeling sick. tired. exhausted. drained. And there is no way to make that feeling go away.  The accident still happened. It will always have happened.  I still live at home. I still don't have a host family.  I am getting upset.  frustrated. desperate.  I can't take any more "maybe it is God's intention" talks. I have been at this house for 20 years. I am the ONLY believer. I am alone. This isn't exactly where I can live and feel okay. I can't help but cry EVERY TIME. I think about being here.  the people aren't terrible, but the crap that happens is.  The unsupportiveness is unbearable. The insane situation with my parents divorce, the roommate,  my sister's divorce, the accident, my sisters, my mother, myself is getting out of hand.  It's consuming me.  Even if I am at the church ALL THE TIME. It isn't calming my nerves.  The early weeks of the internship are over and I am out of my gleeful haze of "everything will be perfect all the time" ridiculous expectation for my entire life to change.  It has changed in a lot of ways. And yet, it feels... the same.  I can't take it much longer and I am not sure what I am supposed to do. I mean, a host family isn't going to come out of nowhere.  They have asked so many people. I'm losing hope.

And I am broke. literally. That doesn't help anything.

oh... HEY God...

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.

Deuteronomy 31:5-7

It has been a difficult week.  Okay.  How about, difficult few days.  Starting with Thursday.  7am. Homework. 9am. Bible Study. I'm up.  I burst in to tears.  Not quite what I had in mind.  After Bible study... hysterics once again. What is my problem? Lack of sleep.  Lack of prayer.  Lack of faith. And my Dad is leaving. Okay, he left. Afternoon. Facilities.  Music Loud. Vocals out of tune. A whole lot of mopping. Work day over.  2 hours of homework. 3 hours of class. I fall asleep in class.  I don't think I have ever done that.  Misty's. Home at 11. Rookie Blue. Bed.  Friday. 7am alarm. Fail. 9am alarm. Groaning. Trip to Ferndale. Paint. Move Stuff. Clean up. Homework. 4pm. Home. last night with my Daddy. movie. hanging out. ignoring the idea of Saturday morning. ignoring the idea of Goodbye. Quality time.  The Help with Kelsey. home. Bed. Saturday. 7:45am. First thought. "Stupid Bigfoot." No joke. Bye Daddy. 8:30 am. Willow Creek for the "Stupid Bigfoot" parade. Enjoyable. Absolutely Ridiculous. Lunch. Worst food service ever. Exhausted. 2:30pm. Homework. 6:30pm. Service. Topic? Forgiveness. Me? In tears... again. Pathetic.  Dramatic. Annoying. Now. 9:50 pm. ready for bed. up at 7 tomorrow. Both services. and more Homework.  

Seeing a sucky pattern? Or just me complaining?

Something is missing.
Hello! Did I ever mention God? aside from my epic fail at Bible study. . . due to lack thereof. . . NO. . . you didn't hear me say anything about God. Why? because I ignored Him. All week. Because I am stubborn.  And sometimes, I can be seriously selfish. Why? Because. I miss my best friend. I don't want to wake up early. I can't eat normal because my teeth hurt. I am having facebook withdrawals. I am tired. I like to complain too much. I need to STOP saying I. This is NOT about ME. When did I realize this? When someone else asked me to pray for them during worship.. My first thought. "I do not want to sound like an idiot. I don't want to do this. I..." "What are you doing?"  "What the heck was that??" "Stop being so selfish." "Oh. . . HEY . . . God . . ." "Pray for this girl. Pray for my child." 

I took a breath. Confidence. And I prayed.

And you want to know something? I Feel Free. Changed. Loved. So... HEY God... can I walk with You on the path You want me to take? I'm sick of the one I made.