12 Weeks of Motivation: days 1-11

So far so successful.
Day 1: 1 mile timed run (7:29)
Day 2: 2 mile run. Salsa dancing.
Day 3: off (Sunday)
Day 4: 1 mile timed run (7:18) 2-3 mile walk
Day 5: 2 mile run
Day 6: 2 hours of volleyball
Day 7: 3 mile run
Day 8: 2 mile run
Day 9: crossfit
Day 10: off
Day 11: 40 burpees, 100 crossfit situps, 100 squats.
90% of my workouts are between 6-7am. So of course... I'm sick. High five Teresa. Today I held off until 2 to do my workout. Bad idea to push myself. And all my scheduled workouts this week are after work or in between work and class. Maybe it will help this week because right now I feel like death. My motivation this week? I'm down 2.5 pounds. :)

Shoes for Bulembu

I have three new projects I am taking on. Starting this weekend, Faith Center will be hosting a shoe drive. It will be focused on children's shoes and in that department. I will be sending out flyers to parents asking them to bring in gently used or good conditioned shoes for kids in Bulembu. My very good friend, Tia, is currently in Africa and the village she is in (Bulembu) has no shoes. Her parents are going to Africa and are willing to take shoes with them on their trip. Thus, the project, "Shoes for Bulembu" has been given life. I am thrilled for this opportunity to serve in another country and communicate with kids, the importance of missions. This drive will end the weekend before March 31 and then we will have a Missions weekend with the kids.  I am having a "missions weekend" with our children's department where myself and probably 4 other people who have been on missions trips will speak about their experience on the field. We have mssionaries from Peru and the Philippines that just so happen to be my friends who would like to share their experience. On top of those long term experiences, myself and another friend will be sharing our short term missions to the Dream Center in LA as well as Baja, Mexico.   At the ende of "Missions weekend," they'll recieve little Children's Gospel Boxes and fill them with change for a few weeks. When we set a date to bring them back, the boxes of money will go to the CGB where the money raised will go to Missions.
Technically this is three different projects, but they are all rolled in to one.  If you have shoes or questions let me know.
I feel very passionate about this and so beyond called to this project.  My hewart flutters whenever I think about this and I am so excited to help this devestated village some shoes.
TO learn more about Bulembu just click the link :)

A Service Project

In ELN, during our time in the Outreach department, we have to creat a service project.  Doable within our 6 weeks, $0 budget, and has to be an outreach or evangelism of some sort.  It doesn't have to be an event but it has to involve one of our ministry passions. Jasmine did a youth worship night, Amanda is doing a homeless outreach with youth kids, the interns, and Dale this Friday... and I have absolutely no idea what I want to do.  Thursday I am supposed to have it in my head and in process.  For now, I am supposed to brain storm.  In the last 2 hours? I've come up with nothing.  I thought writing might help, but here i am, with no avail.  I know what I want to come out of it.  People reached.  Lives changed.  People to consider their lives and where they can grow in Christ or help others.  I'm doing this for change.  My passion is children.  But I don't know if I want to do a project with kids.  Probably because I am spending the next year (and then rest of my ministarial life, unless God puts me somewhere else) in the Children's Department.  I guess that argument goes both ways though.  So now...  I'm in a rut. Any ideas?

12 Weeks of Motivation

I have my first official workout challenge in my head. Now, I'll spill it online. Then I will have more motivation to do it.
I keep seeing this picture everywhere... Pinterest. Facebook. Everyone pins or posts it. The first time I saw it I said "ha. I could never make it 12 weeks... let alone a week." Repinned it. I wish. Haha. I took no initiative. But now I have 5 or 6 friends pinning and posting it and I'm inspired. So. I counted this last weekend since I had a consistent workout schedule, and I've created the "12 weeks of Motivation" challenge.  Workout 6 days a week. Simple enough. But I also have to consider my work and school schedule. So now it's... get up at 6:30 four times a week, 6 am once a week, and when I wake up Saturday and Monday, I have to do something. Most likely running because I have no membership to a gym, nor the funds to get one. I hate running. Abhor it. Like I posted on Friday. But seriously, all I have wanted to do this last week (after it's dark and scary) is run. I hate it once I start, but the prospect of the end result appeals to me. So now, once a week (Friday), I will weigh myself, journal my daily activity, and take a weekly photo. I won't stare at these, dwell on the parts of me I hate. I will use it as motivation. I will eat healthier (45 days of veganism plus the healthy foods after) and hopefully continue to do this after May 11. I'm absolutely terrified of failure, maybe that's why I've never done this. But if I accidentally sleep in one day, can't manage a workout one day, or eat a piece of cake, I won't beat myself up. I'll learn. I will pick back up where I left off the next day, and I'll keep going.  And who knows, maybe by my 21st birthday (May 6) I'll be able to run in a race or event... I think there is one on my actual birthday too. That's on my bucket list (funny since I hate running). I could cross it off early. I just know I need to be healthier. And I want to increase my stamina. Speed? Cake. I ran a 7:18 mile this morning. Distance? I might puke on you after 2 miles. So I want to get up to 3. Maybe 5. But I'll start small. Anyway, if anyone wants to be my accountability partner of this, I'd be thrilled. I've tried this on my own but I've yet to be successful. Though I haven't had this motivation before... so who knows? Well. Off to bed... day 5 of 84 tomorrow :)

Just Tell Me

I wouldn't say I'm perfect. In fact, I scoff at most compliments, doubting myself and what I do. I wouldn't say I need constant affirmation (though Cameron thinks I need it more often), but I feel like I am constantly doubting myself. I don't notice growth. As far as I am concerned, I am practically the same person I was a year ago. But, apparently, according to a few little birds, I've changed a lot. I'm doing well. I'm growing. I just heard that people feel and see this. I thought nothing of myself. I've been doubting everything. Why? Because no one has confirmed that I'm doing well. No one has told me that they see my growth. I was told twice last week how well I am doing and that two other people (who are practically my mother and big sister) feel the same way. Great! That's fabulous even. Put me in to tears of joy. But it took me crying in tears of doubt and pain to be told that, oh hey, you're a completely different person. Nothing like who I used to be. Again, it isn't like I need constant affirmation, but seriously, it would be nice to know that I don't completely suck. Sometimes, I just need people to tell me that I'm doing well. I'm growing. I'm changing. Or maybe even... They're proud of me. Maybe it's because no one in my family has ever said they are proud I me. Maybe it's that rejection that makes me completely doubt everything about myself. But I'm human. I can't forget that trauma. So, as someone trying to make it in the world without their family and trying to get away from the world tendencies, it would be nice if someone could just tell me "hey, I'm proud of you."

When Life Was Simple

I'm on a writing rampage.  I seem to write more often when my anxiety kicks in and it has been going for over two weeks now. No sleep.... Sucks.
This internship is stretching me.  In all the good ways... obvi.  When I feel like it is stretching me too far or a way I don't want to go, I panic.  Of course, it always seems to turn out the right way.  God is involved... so duh.  Right now? I'm stretched so far that I can see through me.  Strange concept to think about.  But I'm so transparent, so fragile, so ready to snap that I don't know how to be myself.  I talk less.  I fear more.  I stop caring.  I have yet to find a solution to the strings of panic attacks I've been having and I can't resolve the issue without a known cause.  That's right... I have no idea what's wrong.  Only God knows... yes, that's comforting, but I'm waiting for Him to work me through it.  I don't talk about it... I put on a mask.  One I said I'd never put up.  But who can I trust? Who can I talk to without being called a freak for potentially freaking out for no known reason?  So I hide... waiting for God to show me the way.  Waiting for things to work out.  Waiting for life to simplify...  I miss those days.  The simple life.  When I had no idea my parents were fighting constantly, infidelity covering my entire family in shame.  When my sister and I argued about a messy rooms and not about how I don't belong.  Before I doubted myself, my body, my face.  When I was just a kid who had no idea what money was, or how my life was about to spin out of control.  Drugs? Sex? Heartbreak? What were those?  I had no idea.  I had time to watch television and play games.  I got to spend time with my psudo family next door instead of missing out on the kids growing up. Sometimes I wish I could go back to that.  Take a break from this life that seems to be spiraling out of control.  Drama that I know nothing about and yet am pulled into the middle.  No sleep.  High expectations from so many people. Estranged relationships with my mother and sister.  My father gone for the last 9 months. Anxiety plaguing me every day as I try and do what I am called to do.  The world distracts me.  There is no way to avoid it.  No way to go back to those "easy" days.  Though I'm told if you take the easy route, how do you grow? You have to work through life to grow as God wants you to.   I am starting to notice where I have grown, where I have faults, where I want to grow.  But I feel so over grown these last few months.  Is that possible?  I just need a break.  An escape.  A vacation... even just a weekend.  For now I settle for nostalgia and sleepless nights, praying for peace of mind and healing.  Welcome to the real world I guess.  I'm not sure I like it.

I Wanna Run

Yes, it's midnight and I will regret this in the morning. But I just watched the best episode of Castle ever and my adrenaline is running crazy.
So as the title implies, i want to run. I ran 2 miles on Friday and it felt great. But I hated it. I set an early alarm to run before Bek's baby shower on Saturday and was all set to do it. But then I was up all night with the anxiety that I was getting up early to do something I abhor. So then I didn't run because I hadn't slept enough and used my run time as sleep time. I was out late Saturday night (later than I should have been) and was barely able to get up for work Sunday morning. Today I had a set plan. I will run. I woke up super comfortable and had my first amazing night sleep in WEEKS. But then I was sluggish and felt terrible all day. So frustrating.
I've been struggling a lot with self worth... Nothing unusual there... But now I actually want to take action against it. A first for me. But I can't get myself out of the hate phase. I want to. So. Desperately. Bad. I want to be in shape. Fit. Like I was in high school and my first year as a college volleyball player. I ran then. Hated it. But I did it and be damned to the world I did it well. I know I'm not fat... Though I have my days. But I know I'm not... Healthy? That probably isn't the term. I've been eating great and doing well. But I know I have a few extra unnecessary pounds. I can't base my health off of weight because I have mostly muscle and it puts me on a completely different chart. Most charts put me close to obese. No I'm not kidding. Like I said. Muscle. I hate it but that's the reality. Everything I do builds muscle. Except running. Minus my "athlete thighs and calves" I burn fat with running. I can't figure out another way to do it without building an insane amount of muscle. And I build it fast.
I have an athletes body so I can't base my health off of jean size either. It's all about look. And not that I look fat but I know I don't look fit. I feel best about myself when I'm fit. If I could play volleyball or basketball I'd run to it in a heart beat. No pun intended. But of course, that's so not a possibility.
I have had some major struggles with anxiety these last few weeks and it has prevented me from working, sleeping, and sitting in class. I had to leave class the other night 2 hours early because i had such high anxiety. I think running will help with that. And actually sleeping would be great too. So here I am.
I wanna run. I have no partner. I'm out of shape. I have little motivation I hate it. And my time is limited. But I wanna run.

The Past

I'd rather not delve into the stories of my past. Not that I did anything dreadfully wrong. I have regrets, I'll admit. But I'd say my own story is pretty bland. Add in people and what they've done and my story takes a bad twist. An abusive one. A tearful one. One that I wish to forget. My past, though it defined who I am became, does not define who I am. If that makes sense. It created my story, unique to the 7 (or is it 8?) billion other people in the world... But that isn't who I am. I learned. I grew. I became who I am through events of my past but not because of my past. My past does NOT define me. I'm probably " talking in circles" as Christie likes to point out. I have a history, not a great one. But I won't let my future be as my past was. I will have more confidence, walk differently, talk differently. I'll fight back and stand up for what I believe. I'll define friendships and find true love. I'll FEEL loved. I already do. Why am I determined to find good? Because I know what it's like for there to be so much evil that you don't want to exist. I want peace and love and joy. I'm determined to be optimistic and find what better out there for me, for God to show me what's better out there for me. Looking back, I know I never want to experience most of the things I went through ever again. Will I? Of course. I'm human. Not immune to the troubles of this world. Do I regret my past? In some ways, yes. I'm scarred more than anything, in ways I can't even explain to those I love. But I digress. I see where I have come, how far I have come, where I came from. Though I wouldn't repeat the past, I wouldn't change it. Sometimes I wish I could. Remove that person. Stop that outfit from walking out the door. Tell my innocent self not to let myself be tainted by society or do what guys wanted me to do. But where would I be without those stories? Those ex boyfriends (2) or backstabbing "friends?" Who would I be? Naive. Immature. I couldn't be a mentor. No experience. I couldn't tell people how God brought me through hell and back before I even knew Him, not to mention when I did. So yes, I have a past. So does everyone else. But it is how you use it, for good, that defines who you are. Who will you become from what you've learned? I'd also like to point out the good. When I say "past" I mean before I met God. When I say anything about my "new life" or how I apply my life lessons, it's after I discovered the Love of Christ. The past was dreary and depressing, but as I'm discovering Christ (learning more and more every day), even when it's hard, it's so much easier with Him. That is one thing I've learned through past experience. I didn't seek His comfort because i didn't know Him. He (unbeknownst to me) took care of me. Now that I know who He is, I seek Him. Even in the small things. He is creating a new life for me. A better story. So twenty years from now, I'll talk about my life not my past. A life full of Christ and His love.

Beauty

There is a large span of definitions for the word beauty. Culturally it can mean curvy or stick thin. Makeup may be required, others shun the pigment.  Some require head coverings, others worship hair.  What about the heart? I'm not sure how most cultures view the heart, but to me, the heart is what is beautiful.  No, I'm not going all Cristina Yang here. I'm saying love, passion, what drives you... that's what's beautiful.  Christ drives me.  Christ drives most of my friends.  That commitment to me is beautiful.  It's difficult to shy away from old habits, to flee from enemies, but once that's done, beauty invelops the heart.  God is sanctifying us, sinners, into beautiful beings. That right there is inner beauty.  Christ is inner beauty.  A heart for people, a servants heart, a loving heart.  That is beautiful.
I think society has raised the expectation that beauty has to be visible, sas to be about the reflection you see looking back in the mirror.  As humans we fall to that demand.  We find it necessary to have the perfect hair, no smear in our makeup. We have to have the right outfit for that night out, have to look good in that outfit.  The expectation to be thin is a whole nother topic of discussion.  The way we are forced to be smaller, even if it kills us, because the ridicule hurts our hearts so much more than the way we starve ourselves.  Expectations for beauty are so high that women pay the price, with major consequences.  We question everything about ourselves because of what society expects.  Don't get me wrong, going out with makeup and a sexy dress is nothing to be ashamed of, nor is it not okay, but I think the extremes we go to, to look or be a certain way, takes away the true meaning of beauty.
Be Yourself. God always tells me.  Why? Because society tells me otherwise. My heart may be in the right place when it comes to loving others, but it isn't when it comes to loving myself.  Society has morphed my brain to expect so much out of myself; the bar has been raised to impossibly high that I cannot reach it.  So here I am, expecting so much of myself, an impossible standard, that not even God has required of me! Be Yourself.  Learn from Me. Not the world.  Him.
To Him, beauty is my heart to live for Him.  The drive to be like His Son.  Christ.  Christ drives me, Christ is beautiful. His love is beautiful. I am beautiful to Him. 
So no matter what society tells me.  Gossip magazines.  Models.  Television.  Media outlets.  There is only one written source who tells me who or how to be. My Bible. Nothing else.
I am beautiful.

Let the king be enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord.
Psalm 45:11

Life: two insane weeks

Well, I haven't posted in a while.  Trials and tribulations have made themselves present and run their course, all with a better outcome than expected.  Thanks God.  Insane, and I mean INSANE work schedules and homework have kept me from a social life.  Twitter and Facebook, as well as gossip magazines and television fasts (minus Castle) have disconnected me from the world.  I've found time to breathe, which is insanely relieving.  Assignments complete and almost a week of fasting still underway, I've found time to write more.  I started writing a book (again), let's see if I can actually finish it without chucking it out the window like my other three, never to see the light of day or eyes of spectators EVER.  I'm compiling my smaller works that I take a little pride in and creating a portfolio to see if I can snag the eyes of any publishers.  If anyone has suggestions or connections, let me know :)
I had my East Side Foursquare Internship interview an hour ago and I find out mid-March what my summer fate may be.  I might apply to a few other churches up North.  I feel called there, there is no doubt about that. The Holy Spirit has pulled me that direction since November, so whether it is East Side or somewhere else, I'll soon find out. 
I'm working my butt off with school and ELN, pushing myself, stretching farther than I ever though possible. Tears at least once a week.  I feel weak when I cry, but I feel so much better once I have let it all out... so much more confident in myself and in God's call to be here.  I've grown.  I know this.  I can't point out where, but I feel different. 
I have a host family and I am all moved in.  It takes me 30 minutes to get anywhere, but I've come to love the drive.  I get to play at least 3 more songs and sing along.  It pumps me up for work.  It readies me for a busy day.  It wakes me up. Makes me happy.
The family is absolutely lovely. She makes me breakfast every morning before work and after I sleep in on Saturdays, she makes me a late breakfast.   We went to costco and I was allowed to pick any food I wanted.  Dinners are delicious.  She can cook like no one I know.  She rivals Heidi in quality.  He is hysterical.  His Southern twang and deep laugh makes me laugh.  Great stories.  He compliments my outfits, giving me more confidence.  She hugs me and says "God Bless" before I leave anywhere. 
Love.  I've never known it like this.
My family has cut me off.  My little sister still talks to me but I'm no longer welcome at my father's house.  Everything is moved out and in storage.  I have nothing left of me at that house, though I don't think my father knows of my current rejection.  I haven't seen my niece in a month and my heart breaks every time I look at a picture of us.  I'm trying not to tear up at the thought.  I miss her more than words can even say.  I just want to hug her, love her, reassure her that I haven't abandoned her.  I have no choice.  I wish I could do something about it.
I completed my first presentation of the semester with midterms next week.  However, I think the farthest I will be stretched comes in the first week of March. In 5 days, I have 2 finals, 2 papers, and a presentation due.  Add on that during those 5 days I can't work on any of it or study because I have an orthodontist appointment and two crazy girls while their Mom has a planned C-section.  I don't mind having the girls.  In fact, I am beyond excited to be with two of my top five favorite people in the world.  Timing is just a little off.  But I am confident, after the last 2 weeks that i have had, that i will come through this.  Not easily.  So far from easy.  But I can... only with God holding me up, of course.
Alright.  Study time is over.  It's lunch (from home and dutch bros. :) ) time and then off to send out a giant mailer.  I love this week.  No sarcasm.  So much work in so little time, but it is right up my alley.  Mailers and a ton of filing.  I love this work.  Off to enjoy a little breathing time before it's back to the grind! Have a great week everyone!!