When Life Was Simple

I'm on a writing rampage.  I seem to write more often when my anxiety kicks in and it has been going for over two weeks now. No sleep.... Sucks.
This internship is stretching me.  In all the good ways... obvi.  When I feel like it is stretching me too far or a way I don't want to go, I panic.  Of course, it always seems to turn out the right way.  God is involved... so duh.  Right now? I'm stretched so far that I can see through me.  Strange concept to think about.  But I'm so transparent, so fragile, so ready to snap that I don't know how to be myself.  I talk less.  I fear more.  I stop caring.  I have yet to find a solution to the strings of panic attacks I've been having and I can't resolve the issue without a known cause.  That's right... I have no idea what's wrong.  Only God knows... yes, that's comforting, but I'm waiting for Him to work me through it.  I don't talk about it... I put on a mask.  One I said I'd never put up.  But who can I trust? Who can I talk to without being called a freak for potentially freaking out for no known reason?  So I hide... waiting for God to show me the way.  Waiting for things to work out.  Waiting for life to simplify...  I miss those days.  The simple life.  When I had no idea my parents were fighting constantly, infidelity covering my entire family in shame.  When my sister and I argued about a messy rooms and not about how I don't belong.  Before I doubted myself, my body, my face.  When I was just a kid who had no idea what money was, or how my life was about to spin out of control.  Drugs? Sex? Heartbreak? What were those?  I had no idea.  I had time to watch television and play games.  I got to spend time with my psudo family next door instead of missing out on the kids growing up. Sometimes I wish I could go back to that.  Take a break from this life that seems to be spiraling out of control.  Drama that I know nothing about and yet am pulled into the middle.  No sleep.  High expectations from so many people. Estranged relationships with my mother and sister.  My father gone for the last 9 months. Anxiety plaguing me every day as I try and do what I am called to do.  The world distracts me.  There is no way to avoid it.  No way to go back to those "easy" days.  Though I'm told if you take the easy route, how do you grow? You have to work through life to grow as God wants you to.   I am starting to notice where I have grown, where I have faults, where I want to grow.  But I feel so over grown these last few months.  Is that possible?  I just need a break.  An escape.  A vacation... even just a weekend.  For now I settle for nostalgia and sleepless nights, praying for peace of mind and healing.  Welcome to the real world I guess.  I'm not sure I like it.