I grew up in a crazy home. A house full of six people, along with 90% of my relatives living in town and the rest just a quick drive away. We could have 27 family members at our house, and that wouldn't even count the family friends! Holidays used to be insanity. That is until recently.
When I was in high school it seemed like everything changed. The twenty seven people turned to five or eight. And then one year, I spent the entire Thanksgiving day alone in my room. I hated Thanksgiving after that year.
The years after that seemed to be the same, leave home in the morning and come back on Friday, just to avoid loneliness. My Dad wasn't coming home, my sisters had boyfriends... what's a holiday with two people? It seemed for a while that no one even wanted to spend the day together. My hate for Thanksgiving grew.
I spent Thanksgiving with my Best Friend and her family for those years and a few after, making it more bearable... But then last year I found out that they wouldn't be in town and neither would either of my parents. My hate returned.
Alone once again.
I didn't realize that God would play a major part in this. I thought that without them I would have nothing, no where to go. But alas, God had better plans. I got invited to FOUR Thanksgivings. One of them happened to be my sister, and it turned out to be a very nice early afternoon with all of my sisters and my grand parents... the first "normal" Thanksgiving in years. I spent the rest of the day driving from my neighbors, to LeeAnn's, to Maryann's. I was over abundantly covered in love and care. I didn't know what to think.
And then there was this year.... SEVEN invitations. I didn't know I deserved such love... and although I only made it to five, I am completely blown away by the generosity of those around me. A day that used to hurt so much just to wake up to, to a day where I fall asleep smiling and exhausted because I spent the day with so many people that I love. My best friend was in town, which was such a blessing... but I realized that even if they weren't... I would have been okay.
God has definitely reassured me of something over the last year. I. Am. Loved. And I am not alone. I have so much love around me, fences being mended, relationships growing. I have an amazing God who has and will continue to show me that He is taking care of me. Even though I don't have my old house full of my entire family, I have that in other ways. I have my family now, but I also have my extended family. I love that I can say I have little brothers and sisters, and families that would love to have me over on such a special day.
So on day where I feel left out or alone, I will think of the last two Thanksgivings... a time that was once so lonely... isn't so much any more.
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Monday, October 28, 2013
To Be A Bully...
In high school I was a bitch. Not to be harsh, and please excuse my language, but that is the cold, hard truth.
It wasn't necessarily that I called people terrible names or picked fights with other girls, but I definitely held this holier-than-thou persona. I'm no where near proud of my attitude, but it was the only thing that held me above water.
I made people feel terrible about themselves if they didn't have an entire closet of Abercrombie & Fitch. I looked down on people who owned less than two pairs of Ugg boots or carried a purse worth less than the cheapest Dooney & Bourke purse. I scoffed if your outfit was worth less than $300. I was a materialistic snob. People who were larger than a size 2 didn't deserve my attention.
Why? I see it now. I hated myself. I felt worthless, so I made myself worth thousands of dollars with designer brands. I couldn't handle having someone look better than me, though I felt like everyone around me did.
I made everyone around me feel inferior. I'm not sure I succeeded, but just the thought that I made one person feel worse than I did made me feel better about myself.
I never stole lunch money, picked a fight, or called people mean names, but I was a bully in my mind. So although I never actually told people they were nothing or told them that I looked better than them, my posture and attitude definitely spoke for me.
It's funny, really, because I've never considered myself well-off by any standard, but somehow I was able to present myself that way.
I didn't realize until recently how I struggled with my personal image, or, more specifically, how I projected my struggle onto others. They say that bullies hurt others because they hurt, and I hope anyone who reads this doesn't think any less of me, but I'm realizing how much of a bully I really was.
I hated who I was, where I came from, and what I stood for... so I made others feel the same way. I hate that about myself now, but I know I can't change who I was. I went through the hardest four years of my life in high school, and although that is no excuse, I didn't have a clue as to how else to fight.
All I can do now is change, fix what I can, and hope everything works out. And though I still struggle with this sometimes, I recognize that everyone else around me has feelings. I don't have to fight against the bullies that I fought in high school. I don't have to fight innocent bystanders. I have to fight myself and my human desire to hurt.
I think this is where I received my call to love. I know what it feels like to hate, to be hated; I never want a single soul to ever feel like I did in high school, or to feel how I made others feel. No one deserves that. I'm fighting back. But this time I'm fighting my old self; I'm in a war against satan and the lies he tells me, and everyone else, every single day.
We are worthy. I am. You are. Don't ever let satan or high school Teresa make you feel inferior. Whether you shop on Fifth Avenue or Goodwill. Whether you're short, tall, overweight, underweight, smart or struggle with school... A believer or not... Please know that you are loved and deemed worthy to walk on this planet.
Choose to love, even if it is hard. You are loved, you are worthy, and I'm sorry if I ever made you feel any different.
I hope this serves as a lesson of sorts... Whether you've been bullied, witnessed a bully, or you've been a bully yourself... People are people. They have feelings and, even if you can't see it, they have their own insecurities. You don't have to be perfect all the time. God sees you in a different light... You are His child, not the worlds. No matter what people say, God sees His creation... His love. And while I am nowhere near Christ-like, God has shown me that love is the only way to concur evil. Fight with love and not hate. That's what Jesus would want and that's all I ask.
Friday, September 20, 2013
To Overcome
"This is the call to all the dead and disappointed, The ones who feel like they are done, This a word to all the ones who feel forgotten but you are not... Lord if you can use us
Fill us up, Let us feel your love
Rush over us."
Alive by Brothers McClurg
I was that kid. The one who didn't want to be around. I couldn't find use for myself, except as a waste of space. I didn't fit, I couldn't see where I belonged.
It's funny to me now as I look back and see how I suffered. I suffered because I could never quite see what was right in front of me.
I felt alone, beaten, ugly, unwanted. I had this vision in my head of how life would be like without me, how people would enjoy the space away from me. It's terrible to say I laugh at my stupidity and pain that I endured. It was true pain and I suffered tremendously. At fifteen years old I was suffering every single day from depression, self-hate, and stomach pains that never ceased from my constant hunger. But I think back at how much I suffered and realize that I didn't need to. God was right there, whether I accepted it or not. He considers me. Of all people, I am His. It took nearly 7 years for me to get that.
Consider the lilies of the field & notice how much more your heavenly father loves you. Matthew 6:28
As it turns out, I had a purpose. And yet, at sixteen and seventeen I dwelled on where I didn't fit. I found parties, I met guys... I never crossed too many lines because I constantly had the nagging feeling in the back of my mind with God telling me He cared for me. I could never get myself to truly "rebel." I made a million mistakes, but I was the farthest from rebellion in my school. I wore expensive clothes and pulled the "I'm better than you" act in high school. I pulled it off well, only to realize that after graduation no one cared. I was lost once again.
I threw my mind into college and athletics, killing myself with unhealthy choices and struggling to get through my parents soon to end marriage. I fell apart as my family split, leaving me alone while my sisters seemed to reject me. I watched my Dad find himself. I watched my Mom drive away. I blamed myself. It's been messy. Truth? I can't fix the broken, only God can. 2 years later I see it... then? I was the worst kid in the world. And then I watched my sister go through divorce and vowed to never get to that point in my life. Failure became my biggest fear.
And then it happened. I failed myself. The only person l had left was me... I had all but given up on God as my family fell apart and I lost it. I was heading down a very steep hill of destruction. For the first time I am putting this into words... I was planning to leave for a year on my own... I was scheduled to head to an eating disorder rehab center of sorts. I told no one in my family. I cried every day. I didn't want to be here, I didn't want the world to see me.
One day though, one day I just decided "no." For some reason I had this longing to fight for the first time in five years. What pulled me up? Who got me on my feet, swaying in a fighting position? The only thing I can say is that it is only possible that God picked me up, picked up my broken heart, and slowly started to put it back together.
I was back in school, struggling to stay afloat. I was volunteering at church. I was social. I ate. I kept it down. I had more than two friends, real friends... For the first time in a long time. Ones who I could tell the truth to. Leaders who kept me on track. No more lies, no more secrets.
I became an intern less than six months after my parents divorce... and in those two years, my relationship with God has been altered forever. I have my family to stand with, who I even talk to about God. Who I love and want to spend every minute with. Who I miss.
I have received my purpose. To Love. Because He first Loved us. I love my family. I love my friends. I love people. The plan is to go to Russia as soon as possible. If you told me this two and a half years ago I would have told you that would have to take a miracle. And I would be right. Because if I look back at where I was those two and a half years ago... at the end of my biggest struggles, I break. How the hell did I do that? I didn't. Simple as that. God had me, has me in the palm of His loving hands.
I say this as a testimony of sorts. But really I just wanted to tell people just how AMAZING My God is that He considers me, you, the world. I see what He has done for us, the forgiveness He has spread in the world, the sacrifice He has made for me, and I ask why. Oh, How He Loves....
I want to close with this... There is a light. And whether it be in a mentor, a family member, friend or in your own heart. Recognize that it is God and He will be the One to pull you out, He will help YOU overcome the world, just as He did. Take comfort in the fact that you are not alone.
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33
I was that kid. The one who didn't want to be around. I couldn't find use for myself, except as a waste of space. I didn't fit, I couldn't see where I belonged.
It's funny to me now as I look back and see how I suffered. I suffered because I could never quite see what was right in front of me.
I felt alone, beaten, ugly, unwanted. I had this vision in my head of how life would be like without me, how people would enjoy the space away from me. It's terrible to say I laugh at my stupidity and pain that I endured. It was true pain and I suffered tremendously. At fifteen years old I was suffering every single day from depression, self-hate, and stomach pains that never ceased from my constant hunger. But I think back at how much I suffered and realize that I didn't need to. God was right there, whether I accepted it or not. He considers me. Of all people, I am His. It took nearly 7 years for me to get that.
Consider the lilies of the field & notice how much more your heavenly father loves you. Matthew 6:28
As it turns out, I had a purpose. And yet, at sixteen and seventeen I dwelled on where I didn't fit. I found parties, I met guys... I never crossed too many lines because I constantly had the nagging feeling in the back of my mind with God telling me He cared for me. I could never get myself to truly "rebel." I made a million mistakes, but I was the farthest from rebellion in my school. I wore expensive clothes and pulled the "I'm better than you" act in high school. I pulled it off well, only to realize that after graduation no one cared. I was lost once again.
I threw my mind into college and athletics, killing myself with unhealthy choices and struggling to get through my parents soon to end marriage. I fell apart as my family split, leaving me alone while my sisters seemed to reject me. I watched my Dad find himself. I watched my Mom drive away. I blamed myself. It's been messy. Truth? I can't fix the broken, only God can. 2 years later I see it... then? I was the worst kid in the world. And then I watched my sister go through divorce and vowed to never get to that point in my life. Failure became my biggest fear.
And then it happened. I failed myself. The only person l had left was me... I had all but given up on God as my family fell apart and I lost it. I was heading down a very steep hill of destruction. For the first time I am putting this into words... I was planning to leave for a year on my own... I was scheduled to head to an eating disorder rehab center of sorts. I told no one in my family. I cried every day. I didn't want to be here, I didn't want the world to see me.
One day though, one day I just decided "no." For some reason I had this longing to fight for the first time in five years. What pulled me up? Who got me on my feet, swaying in a fighting position? The only thing I can say is that it is only possible that God picked me up, picked up my broken heart, and slowly started to put it back together.
I was back in school, struggling to stay afloat. I was volunteering at church. I was social. I ate. I kept it down. I had more than two friends, real friends... For the first time in a long time. Ones who I could tell the truth to. Leaders who kept me on track. No more lies, no more secrets.
I became an intern less than six months after my parents divorce... and in those two years, my relationship with God has been altered forever. I have my family to stand with, who I even talk to about God. Who I love and want to spend every minute with. Who I miss.
I have received my purpose. To Love. Because He first Loved us. I love my family. I love my friends. I love people. The plan is to go to Russia as soon as possible. If you told me this two and a half years ago I would have told you that would have to take a miracle. And I would be right. Because if I look back at where I was those two and a half years ago... at the end of my biggest struggles, I break. How the hell did I do that? I didn't. Simple as that. God had me, has me in the palm of His loving hands.
I say this as a testimony of sorts. But really I just wanted to tell people just how AMAZING My God is that He considers me, you, the world. I see what He has done for us, the forgiveness He has spread in the world, the sacrifice He has made for me, and I ask why. Oh, How He Loves....
I want to close with this... There is a light. And whether it be in a mentor, a family member, friend or in your own heart. Recognize that it is God and He will be the One to pull you out, He will help YOU overcome the world, just as He did. Take comfort in the fact that you are not alone.
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Goodbye
I don't want to hate myself. I don't want to hate my choices or what I'm doing. I don't want people to hate me. I don't want my family to hate me. I don't want my friends to hate me. This is probably a completely conceided idea that people will be hurt that I'm leaving or that they might actually miss me, but I don't want them too. Because that means I've let them down. I know what it feels like to be left, whether for good reasons or bad. And I don't want to be that sister who leaves once my niece is born or that can't keep in contact because of the time difference. I want to be in the same time zone, same town, 5 minutes away. And I don't want people to hate that I am gone. I don't necessarily want to leave, but GO. I'll be back so I'm excited and I cannot wait to go. However, the preconceived notion I had that this would be easy was so completely wrong. My biggest obstacle? Goodbye.
That one word.
Sure. It's a year. But it's a year.
My nieces' first, second, and fifth year.
I have kids who hate that I'm going. It feels good that I'll be missed, but damn it hurts so much. I don't want to disappoint anyone.
I know that once I get there and I've made it through the goodbye process that I'll see all of the good. I see good now, more than good. But it's so blurry because all I can see right now is goodbye.
I've said goodbye to more people in the last month than I have in over 5 years. This doesn't make it easier.
I cannot wait to see what God has in store, I just really need to get past this fear of goodbye.
It's a risk I'm taking, I've never really taken risks. Ever.
But I know this is the right risk. Waiting is harder and a bigger challenge, that much I have become aware of.
I'm so afraid of missing out on my life in Eureka, but I've realized that I have my life in Russia too. A different one. The thrill is there... The change is basically my entire life... And I'm so afraid.... But I can't wait.
I've always been told that fear is good because it means you have something to lose. I don't have "too much" to lose, per say, but I do have a lot to lose. God has really challenged my heart when it comes to giving up everything (one) for His ministry and I really see how He has prepared me for this.... But I still can't get past goodbye. It's only a year. One year. I can make it.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
My Biggest Obstacle
I'm scared. To be more specific, I am absolutely terrified. This is normal, they say. It feels normal. But I don't want to feel this way. I want to leave psyched and ready to go. I don't want to leave feeling like I do now.
I don't want to say goodbye. I'm taking no one with me. I'm 22 years old and the longest I have been away from home is 2 weeks. I cannot imagine that again, let alone a freaking year.
This is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done. I picture hugging my sister goodbye and I'm a bloody mess. (Like right now) I'm already sobbing. I don't want to say "bye bye" to my nieces. They expect to see me less than 2 days later. I can't even imagine what they will think after a few weeks. Will they miss me, or will they think I forgot them? I never want them to ever feel abandoned or forgotten, but they don't have phones or the capability of understanding what I am doing. My little sister is my best friend and I don't want her to think I'm leaving her. I don't want to leave her. I'd freaking pack her and Sophia in my suitcase if it wasn't such a long flight.
Goodbye is literally the one thing stopping me. One word. I can't say it, I can't even wave. I'm thinking about the next 90 days and how the big goodbye could be any time between then and now. And currently I can't stop crying!
It is very clear that I am supposed to go. God has most certainly turned the light from red to green. I'm waiting for it to turn yellow, to slow time down, but it is so clear that I'm going through.
I just.... I don't want to let go. I finally have my family and I feel like I have spent the last 10 years trying to get that... And as soon as everything is perfect, I lose them. I'm leaving them behind and I'm not even sure they get why. Right now, they are all I have. My best friends live 2 states away and I spend most of my time with my sisters and neighbors. My Monday night family dinners are going to stop. I won't be here for Christmas... My first time away for any holiday... I won't see my new niece grow up... She won't even know who I am when I come back. And that hurts. My heart hurts so much.
I'm sure I'm being absolutely dramatic in the eyes of anyone reading this... But I could lose everything in this life but God and people and I would be okay. I can't lose my family.... And I've never been able to say that. I don't want to leave them.
This is me expressing my bare soul right now... I needed to get it out.
I am expressing my biggest obstacle in saying "yes". I knew what it meant to say yes, and right now I think it is just hitting home. So for now, I'm going to take advantage of every moment. Hug my nieces, laugh with my sister. Call my Dad. Text my Mom. Play video games with my neighbors... And figure out how in the freaking world I'm going to say goodbye without crying the entire flight to Russia.
I'm giving this to God, this fear. But it doesn't mean I won't keep crying. If anyone has advice, please feel free to comment. Anyone else, if you don't mind, please just pray for my heart.
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Inspiration in Love
You know, I've really struggled with the idea of time over the last year. 2 months until a hopeful deployment date. One year in Russia. Will I stay longer? How old will my nieces be? Will my friends get engaged, will my sisters have more kids? Change, change, change. Fear. Dead on. But something I have really started to understand is that once I come back I can adjust. Sure, I may miss out or I may struggle as I hear about life, But hey, I'm going to be doing the same! A life in Russia? Who even gets to say that?? Time isn't standing still, but I am still going to be okay.
Shakeh and Michael really helped me come to terms with this, this weekend. They moved away two years ago and life has been different. Things have changed, people have changed, but we are still the same. Relationships never severed, love and honesty still flowing. Relationships that we have struggled to keep have lived on. They visited for a few days and it was as if they never left. Goodbye was just as hard this time as last time. But I know I'll see them soon.
I pray that any relationship I have right now that really has meaning in my life will not sever. I pray for great friends that I will cry about for weeks because I miss them. Why? Because as Michael said today, it means I have real love in my life. It is painful. I cannot imagine not having this kind of hurt in my heart because it means I have never loved. Sure, my nieces will age, friends will get engaged or move away, old and new habits will burn and die out. I'll be different. They'll be different. But that love? It will alway be there. Always mean something.
So as I stood at the door and watched as two of my favorite people drove away, it hurt. I cried. I lost. But I gained so much more love in my heart. It hurts so much greater because I have so much more to lose.
Goodbye will Always hurt, but I never want that to change.
Shakeh and Michael really helped me come to terms with this, this weekend. They moved away two years ago and life has been different. Things have changed, people have changed, but we are still the same. Relationships never severed, love and honesty still flowing. Relationships that we have struggled to keep have lived on. They visited for a few days and it was as if they never left. Goodbye was just as hard this time as last time. But I know I'll see them soon.
I pray that any relationship I have right now that really has meaning in my life will not sever. I pray for great friends that I will cry about for weeks because I miss them. Why? Because as Michael said today, it means I have real love in my life. It is painful. I cannot imagine not having this kind of hurt in my heart because it means I have never loved. Sure, my nieces will age, friends will get engaged or move away, old and new habits will burn and die out. I'll be different. They'll be different. But that love? It will alway be there. Always mean something.
So as I stood at the door and watched as two of my favorite people drove away, it hurt. I cried. I lost. But I gained so much more love in my heart. It hurts so much greater because I have so much more to lose.
Goodbye will Always hurt, but I never want that to change.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Quiet
It's been all quiet on the blog front. I've had an inkling to post for weeks but life has been a haze of kids, Russia, and best friends. My summer has been uneventful and yet insanely busy. I've spent 90% of my time with kids, working. The other 10% has been a mixture of my closest friends and Russia. It has been so difficult finding the time to fundraise and learn Russian. I'm beyond overwhelmed that I am no where near prepared for this. I'm super excited, but instead of having Russia in the passenger seat (as it is supposed to be) it's been in the trunk. I'm using my few days off for refocus and to work on my presentation. I meet with Rachel in an hour to finalize things and hopefully set a date for my church presentation. I've been emailing multiple people all morning and scheduling meetings in what little time I have. I've finally enjoyed a little vacation. 2 days at the lake two weeks ago (with my best friends) and 4 days with my Tia and second parents at the lake last weekend. I needed it more than I thought. I spent the first two days tubing (a severe hematoma on my leg [blood clot, possible fracture] from a particularly gruesome tubbing accident), skiing, surfing, tanning, eating, kayaking, and laughing with my best friends Tia and Amy, and Tia's boyfriend Nate (along with some family friends). The other four days were just Tia Lynn and her parents and I. We literally laid around all weekend. I got 10 shades darker (no exaggeration) and got through 300 pages of a sappy romance novel. I haven't read recreationally since Shakeh lived here, it was nice. We surfed a little, tubbed until Tia and I crashed too hard, and spent a lot of time bonding with her parents. We talked a lot about Russia and it felt amazing to finally share my heart with them. Food and bingo were also on the list of the most relaxing weekend I have had in probably years. All that was missing was Amy.
Now I am in full fledge fundraising mode! I am running my individual presentation through Joe and Rebekah and then I'll start scheduling them with my list of 200. God has already proven to be the God that provides as I have had so many families approach ME about supporting me. I am so excited. The Cecil's deploy in 42 days and the plan is that I follow shortly after that, hopefully no later than November! I'm ready for this adventure and I head to Wisconsin in 8 days to spend the week with the Cecils! I can't wait to finally meet the kids and spend more time with Kim and Steve. I haven't seen them since the 3rd of May, missions training. I take the fact that I really miss them as a good sign.
Once August hits I am hoping to be in full motion with fundraising. I am hoping for at least one appointment a day and for 100% by October. Once kids start back to school I will be extremely limited in work and finances, so I am relying on God's provision and trusting that I can get to the field ASAP.
Time to keep working!
Now I am in full fledge fundraising mode! I am running my individual presentation through Joe and Rebekah and then I'll start scheduling them with my list of 200. God has already proven to be the God that provides as I have had so many families approach ME about supporting me. I am so excited. The Cecil's deploy in 42 days and the plan is that I follow shortly after that, hopefully no later than November! I'm ready for this adventure and I head to Wisconsin in 8 days to spend the week with the Cecils! I can't wait to finally meet the kids and spend more time with Kim and Steve. I haven't seen them since the 3rd of May, missions training. I take the fact that I really miss them as a good sign.
Once August hits I am hoping to be in full motion with fundraising. I am hoping for at least one appointment a day and for 100% by October. Once kids start back to school I will be extremely limited in work and finances, so I am relying on God's provision and trusting that I can get to the field ASAP.
Time to keep working!
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| swelling on my ankle from the crash: the hematoma is worse! |
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| My Best Friends and Sisters |
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| Kid City |
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| Fourth with New Friends! |
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| My Favorite: Sissy! |
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| Starting to Understand the Beauty the God Created |
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| My Best Friend Even |
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| #backflip |
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| Freedom: Lake Weekend Part 2 |
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
The End is Just the Beginning
Well, here it is. The last week of my internship. Two years in the making. Two years of tears. Two years of fighting. Two long years of homework and school. Two years of struggle.
But there's also the two years of triumph. Two years of growth. Two years of straight up hard work.
I wanted to quit... more times than one. I would have quit three weeks ago had I not been so close to the end. And a week ago. And yesterday. But you see. I'm not a quitter. I'm a fighter. I don't fall and stay down. I get back up. Why? Because this time is not my own. I'm not here to waste God's time, I'm here to use it.
So I fought, I cried, and I struggled... but most importantly I triumphed.
I've spent the last two years watching time fly and watching it go slower than it should. I've watched babies in the nursery move to their first Sunday school class. I've seen elementary kids transition to Uturn and the awkward stages in life. I've seen good kids go rebel and I've seen rebels turn to the most "on fire for God" teenagers that I've ever met. I've had my own ups and downs, my own awkward stages, and I've seen my own family have these transitions as well. My nieces have had a church experience or twenty. I've seen my niece sing Jesus loves me to a group of people who didn't want to hear. I've seen her as a three year old disciple. I've seen the baby make an impression in the nursery and an impression in the world. Her little eleven month old kisses would melt anyone. I've seen sisters in and out of church on random occasions. I've seen God move in their lives, whether they are aware or not. I've witnessed to families that used to be uninterested and now ask questions constantly. I've seen myself go from shut off to talking about God, to talking about Him every five minutes.
I've seen growth. Not only in myself but in the people around me. Interns. Friends. Family. Coworkers. Youth. Kids. It's something I will treasure for the rest of my life. One girl in particular... I watched her go from confusion to true understanding. I helped with her baptism. At camp we prayed for her to be baptized in the Holy Spirit, and then with her and all of her sisters. She helps with worship upstairs. She's my first real experience in a life change. I'm blown away by her and what God is doing in her life.
I've watched Brooke grow from completely stubborn with no words, to completely stubborn and full sentences. I've watched as Emily has gone from little girl, to understanding and growing up way too fast. I've seen Summer go from newborn and incapable, to running and screaming and talking and loving. My heart melts.
I've watched the interns grow from three to seven. I was there when we fell apart, I was there when we grew stronger. I've seen them struggle and I've seen them triumph. We've been through a life changing experience, Amanda, Jasmine and I. Whether it tested our patience or changed us for the better. We went through dry periods and Holy Spirit highs. We went from tears to laughter, and sadness to joy. We've hated life and we have loved it. Mostly, we did this together; creating a strange yet unforgettable bond. I can't explain it much... but we won't ever forget it. That first semester really pushed us... it caused us to think and fend for ourselves. We spent a ridiculous amount of time together, arguing, crying, laughing, loving. You can never take that away. We all went through tremendous traumas and took care of each other. We went long distances and spent a lot of time in coffee shops. We had conflict resolutions and we fought. Mostly we fought for each other and defended our sisters in Christ. We grew confident together. We found ourselves together.
But there's also the two years of triumph. Two years of growth. Two years of straight up hard work.
I wanted to quit... more times than one. I would have quit three weeks ago had I not been so close to the end. And a week ago. And yesterday. But you see. I'm not a quitter. I'm a fighter. I don't fall and stay down. I get back up. Why? Because this time is not my own. I'm not here to waste God's time, I'm here to use it.
So I fought, I cried, and I struggled... but most importantly I triumphed.
I've spent the last two years watching time fly and watching it go slower than it should. I've watched babies in the nursery move to their first Sunday school class. I've seen elementary kids transition to Uturn and the awkward stages in life. I've seen good kids go rebel and I've seen rebels turn to the most "on fire for God" teenagers that I've ever met. I've had my own ups and downs, my own awkward stages, and I've seen my own family have these transitions as well. My nieces have had a church experience or twenty. I've seen my niece sing Jesus loves me to a group of people who didn't want to hear. I've seen her as a three year old disciple. I've seen the baby make an impression in the nursery and an impression in the world. Her little eleven month old kisses would melt anyone. I've seen sisters in and out of church on random occasions. I've seen God move in their lives, whether they are aware or not. I've witnessed to families that used to be uninterested and now ask questions constantly. I've seen myself go from shut off to talking about God, to talking about Him every five minutes.
I've seen growth. Not only in myself but in the people around me. Interns. Friends. Family. Coworkers. Youth. Kids. It's something I will treasure for the rest of my life. One girl in particular... I watched her go from confusion to true understanding. I helped with her baptism. At camp we prayed for her to be baptized in the Holy Spirit, and then with her and all of her sisters. She helps with worship upstairs. She's my first real experience in a life change. I'm blown away by her and what God is doing in her life.
I've watched Brooke grow from completely stubborn with no words, to completely stubborn and full sentences. I've watched as Emily has gone from little girl, to understanding and growing up way too fast. I've seen Summer go from newborn and incapable, to running and screaming and talking and loving. My heart melts.
I've watched the interns grow from three to seven. I was there when we fell apart, I was there when we grew stronger. I've seen them struggle and I've seen them triumph. We've been through a life changing experience, Amanda, Jasmine and I. Whether it tested our patience or changed us for the better. We went through dry periods and Holy Spirit highs. We went from tears to laughter, and sadness to joy. We've hated life and we have loved it. Mostly, we did this together; creating a strange yet unforgettable bond. I can't explain it much... but we won't ever forget it. That first semester really pushed us... it caused us to think and fend for ourselves. We spent a ridiculous amount of time together, arguing, crying, laughing, loving. You can never take that away. We all went through tremendous traumas and took care of each other. We went long distances and spent a lot of time in coffee shops. We had conflict resolutions and we fought. Mostly we fought for each other and defended our sisters in Christ. We grew confident together. We found ourselves together.
I found myself. Well, part of me. I'm not completely confident in who I am quite yet, but I knew nothing of myself before I started this internship. I know where I started. Lost. Confused. Shut off. Quiet. Afraid. I let fear drive me. I refused to sing, pray, lead. All because of fear. I never let myself be free. I was stuck in a hole that I didn't want to climb out because I thought if I did that no one would understand me. I was closed off to a world with astounding information and Spiritual guidance. I was shut off to the Holy Spirit and it's leading. I was truly confused as to who I was and what I was doing. However, two years later I can't say the same thing.
As I prep for going to Russia as a missionary in the Fall, I can't help but think it to be all but a dream. I mean, the world is at my fingertips and I am going to freaking Russia. God has me on this tremendous journey and I can't stop thinking about how Amazing God is... He trusts me of all people... with His people. His babies. I have no words for this besides Thank You. I have no expression but utter joy because two years later I can finally jump. I can say yes without fear. Well... there is hesitation in the unknown... but I know for a fact that God has a plan much greater than I can comprehend. I'm ready. I've spend my entire life preparing for this. I've spent the last two years searching for my God in every crevice, dark hole, and bright spot. I am going to Russia because God has called me to something so much greater than myself. I'm beyond ecstatic and so confused at the same time. God spent the last two years preparing me for something, that two years ago if I had been called, I would have thought God had gone mental. How did I get from being too afraid to pray in front of people, to moving to another country to help fulfill Russia's vision for their country? That's either some serious happy juice or God has had His say in my entire life for a very long time. I'm not saying I didn't put in the work, but God certainly provided one opportunity after another to shape me to be who I am today. Sure, I probably spent twenty five percent of the last two years in tears, but I certainly grew from those tears. I can't even fully comprehend just what God has done. I mean, seriously. It is unreal.
Enough about how ridiculous my life is. I am beyond blessed to have partaken in the Redwood Emerging Leader Network over the last two years. I've been challenged, I've come close to quitting, I've cried, I've screamed, I've stressed out, heck I ended up in the hospital. But that isn't to say I didn't enjoy it. Racing not to break curfew, laughing while we ate hot cheetos and pretended that we didn't have a final in an hour, nights out, nights in, completing events.
Oh yeah. That Kids Karnival. Holy Mother of Pearl that event challenged me more than anything I have ever done in my life. Coordinating an event that took 5 months, hosted 3,400 people and forced me to hide from the world for a good twenty four hours after it was over... And yet I wish I could do it again? It makes me so sad that I won't even be a volunteer this year... but it's time I pass on the baton to someone else. It's time for them to spend hours pulling out their hair while they sit on hold because the prizes didn't ship on time, or resetting up everything after someone came in the night before and moved it all. Those are terrible memories and yet I want to be back in that moment. Those moments made me who I am.
I just became tremendously sad. Thinking about all the times I wanted to quit and yet I didn't. I made it through. I made it... And it's done. Two days and I'm free. I can't even comprehend this. I mean, I am leaving. For good. My heart hurts. I cannot believe I did it. God did it. God and I did it. I'm becoming so emotional (as usual) and I can't even comprehend what it means to me to be finished. My greatest accomplishment. In just over a week I am going to be walking across that stage... and I'll be done. "Done" isn't quite the proper verbage... I mean really I am just beginning.... I am starting a new life... Russia, maybe marriage, I pray eventually, a family. I'm.... I'm only just beginning. I'm just starting out on this journey that God has me on. These last twenty two years, these last two years.... have lead to this moment. This isn't the end.... it's just the beginning.
As I prep for going to Russia as a missionary in the Fall, I can't help but think it to be all but a dream. I mean, the world is at my fingertips and I am going to freaking Russia. God has me on this tremendous journey and I can't stop thinking about how Amazing God is... He trusts me of all people... with His people. His babies. I have no words for this besides Thank You. I have no expression but utter joy because two years later I can finally jump. I can say yes without fear. Well... there is hesitation in the unknown... but I know for a fact that God has a plan much greater than I can comprehend. I'm ready. I've spend my entire life preparing for this. I've spent the last two years searching for my God in every crevice, dark hole, and bright spot. I am going to Russia because God has called me to something so much greater than myself. I'm beyond ecstatic and so confused at the same time. God spent the last two years preparing me for something, that two years ago if I had been called, I would have thought God had gone mental. How did I get from being too afraid to pray in front of people, to moving to another country to help fulfill Russia's vision for their country? That's either some serious happy juice or God has had His say in my entire life for a very long time. I'm not saying I didn't put in the work, but God certainly provided one opportunity after another to shape me to be who I am today. Sure, I probably spent twenty five percent of the last two years in tears, but I certainly grew from those tears. I can't even fully comprehend just what God has done. I mean, seriously. It is unreal.
Enough about how ridiculous my life is. I am beyond blessed to have partaken in the Redwood Emerging Leader Network over the last two years. I've been challenged, I've come close to quitting, I've cried, I've screamed, I've stressed out, heck I ended up in the hospital. But that isn't to say I didn't enjoy it. Racing not to break curfew, laughing while we ate hot cheetos and pretended that we didn't have a final in an hour, nights out, nights in, completing events.
Oh yeah. That Kids Karnival. Holy Mother of Pearl that event challenged me more than anything I have ever done in my life. Coordinating an event that took 5 months, hosted 3,400 people and forced me to hide from the world for a good twenty four hours after it was over... And yet I wish I could do it again? It makes me so sad that I won't even be a volunteer this year... but it's time I pass on the baton to someone else. It's time for them to spend hours pulling out their hair while they sit on hold because the prizes didn't ship on time, or resetting up everything after someone came in the night before and moved it all. Those are terrible memories and yet I want to be back in that moment. Those moments made me who I am.
I just became tremendously sad. Thinking about all the times I wanted to quit and yet I didn't. I made it through. I made it... And it's done. Two days and I'm free. I can't even comprehend this. I mean, I am leaving. For good. My heart hurts. I cannot believe I did it. God did it. God and I did it. I'm becoming so emotional (as usual) and I can't even comprehend what it means to me to be finished. My greatest accomplishment. In just over a week I am going to be walking across that stage... and I'll be done. "Done" isn't quite the proper verbage... I mean really I am just beginning.... I am starting a new life... Russia, maybe marriage, I pray eventually, a family. I'm.... I'm only just beginning. I'm just starting out on this journey that God has me on. These last twenty two years, these last two years.... have lead to this moment. This isn't the end.... it's just the beginning.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
To Reach the Nations
My heart aches for the nations. Breaks for the people. I want to love the children who have nothing and pray with those who have lost it all. I see pain in the eyes of every person, wishing I could share the love of God with every one of them. I praise His name and hope one day to take Him to the nations. I spend every moment waiting and praying for that day to come. The day where the world can hear from God, see His Truth, be drenched in His Love. I wait for that day when God will send me, send me to a place that lacks truth. I want to be that truth to the world. I want to influence just as I have been Influenced. I want to lead just as I have been Lead. I want to love just as I have been Loved. I want the WORLD to see just what God is capable of; in the trees, in the birds, in my heart. I want it all to permeate their souls so they can see just how Awesome is He. My heart aches for those in the unknown. I desire so much for them to know, for them to understand. One day, Lord, one day they will understand just how amazing You can be.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Missions Training, Thus Far
Well I'm exhausted. So far I've spent 26 hours of the last 3.5 days in training sessions. Some basic Foursquare knowledge, other, application.
Amidst the crazy struggle to stay awake has come everlasting friendships. Alynena (pronounced Alina) and I am getting along great. She's 28 and the closest one to my age. Mauricio is 29 and has the most powerful story and calling to Nicaragua I have ever heard. I'll recommend his book to you once I find out what it is called. You HAVE to read it. I met Steve Cecil, finally. We have fun telling people that we are going to Russia, and yet we just met on Monday night. He's already stretched me, taking me on crazy adventures in the City that I was not expecting to go on. I meet Kim tomorrow, and Johnell is really excited to see how much energy we create (apparently she's nuts too).
God has been so good, even amidst the tragedy. I'm struggling so much right now, finding out last night that my Grandfather passed away. No family here. No friends. I don't know where I would be without the Loops and Steve. They hugged me, let me cry, brought me Starbucks, and gave me comfort through the Holy Spirit. I still feel pretty abandoned and alone, but I know God will take care of me. My Dad is rushing home from the Philippines and I'm in prayer about whether or not I need to leave. His memorial is on Wednesday next week and I cannot imagine missing it... But I don't know what God wants yet. I'm just so glad I saw him last week.
Even amidst the tragedy God knows just what to do. I've spent the last 10 hours of session with the Holy Spirit and some amazing missionaries. I lead someone in the baptism of the Holy Spirit, where she then received her prayer language. A first time experience for me. I took part in a healing, another first, and was told I have power when I pray. She was healed. I was prayed for, but it seems healing like this isn't what God has planned yet. I'm waiting. In pain and hungry, but I know he knows better. I shared my testimony for only the second time and spoke into someone's life about patience in pain. I'm suffering emotionally and physically, pretty terribly right now, but I've done enough crying today. I'm ready for some joy.
I had my intake interview where I explained my short comings and how I over came them. I explained my heart. I loved. I had to talk in detail about my severe eating disorder for the first time in 3 years. Honesty was my only intent. I have overcome and I am no longer ashamed. I struggle but refuse to give in.
Courage. Bravery. Words that were used to describe me. I can't take credit. God can. But I can't. They're happy with my results. So I trek on in the FMI process.
That's the last three and a half days. 8 to go. Please be praying for strength. We're all exhausted.
Amidst the crazy struggle to stay awake has come everlasting friendships. Alynena (pronounced Alina) and I am getting along great. She's 28 and the closest one to my age. Mauricio is 29 and has the most powerful story and calling to Nicaragua I have ever heard. I'll recommend his book to you once I find out what it is called. You HAVE to read it. I met Steve Cecil, finally. We have fun telling people that we are going to Russia, and yet we just met on Monday night. He's already stretched me, taking me on crazy adventures in the City that I was not expecting to go on. I meet Kim tomorrow, and Johnell is really excited to see how much energy we create (apparently she's nuts too).
God has been so good, even amidst the tragedy. I'm struggling so much right now, finding out last night that my Grandfather passed away. No family here. No friends. I don't know where I would be without the Loops and Steve. They hugged me, let me cry, brought me Starbucks, and gave me comfort through the Holy Spirit. I still feel pretty abandoned and alone, but I know God will take care of me. My Dad is rushing home from the Philippines and I'm in prayer about whether or not I need to leave. His memorial is on Wednesday next week and I cannot imagine missing it... But I don't know what God wants yet. I'm just so glad I saw him last week.
Even amidst the tragedy God knows just what to do. I've spent the last 10 hours of session with the Holy Spirit and some amazing missionaries. I lead someone in the baptism of the Holy Spirit, where she then received her prayer language. A first time experience for me. I took part in a healing, another first, and was told I have power when I pray. She was healed. I was prayed for, but it seems healing like this isn't what God has planned yet. I'm waiting. In pain and hungry, but I know he knows better. I shared my testimony for only the second time and spoke into someone's life about patience in pain. I'm suffering emotionally and physically, pretty terribly right now, but I've done enough crying today. I'm ready for some joy.
I had my intake interview where I explained my short comings and how I over came them. I explained my heart. I loved. I had to talk in detail about my severe eating disorder for the first time in 3 years. Honesty was my only intent. I have overcome and I am no longer ashamed. I struggle but refuse to give in.
Courage. Bravery. Words that were used to describe me. I can't take credit. God can. But I can't. They're happy with my results. So I trek on in the FMI process.
That's the last three and a half days. 8 to go. Please be praying for strength. We're all exhausted.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
My God
Today in devotions we are talking about all that God is to us. Listing, story telling, explaining exactly who He is.
God has always been my provider. Making the impossible happen, making me believe in the little things. Giving me not only what I need but managing to give me what I want. He has shown me right from wrong, pulled me away from the wrong path and lead me down the right one. He has taught me what it means to forgive, to have grace, to receive grace.
He is my Rock. My salvation. Without whom I cannot stand. He has pulled me from the depths of what seems like hell and taken me back to a place where I am no longer afraid.
He is my Father. He was there when my earthly father wasn't, and remains now even when my father has returned.
He takes care of me. I may be sick, but He knows just how to make me okay. He knows how to comfort me in my loneliness and care for me when I want no one else.
He is my Commander. As they say in the Army, He leads his platoon. He whips me into shape when I start to get lazy. Pushes me farther when I want to give up. However, instead of yelling at me when I do wrong, He gently whispers in my ear, "I forgive you," and encourages me on.
He is my everything. My laughing buddy, my shoulder to cry on, my secret keeper. My Best Friend.
He is my teacher. When I make mistakes, He teaches me how to move on. He brings me back to focus when I lose my concentration, which, let me tell you happens quite often.
He is my water, soil, and light. Like a plant, without these I will not grow. My roots are deep in the soil of His word, begging to be replenished and poured into. I'm dropping seeds everywhere and finally I see God pushing them into the soil. They're ready to grow.
He is the sun, warming my soul, warming my heart. He fills me with joy, takes away the cold, bringing light into my life. He takes the rain and cold and turns it to an unexplainable rainbow of color.
He is my joy. My hope. All I am.
Most importantly God has taught me how to love. Love myself, love my God, love others. Without love, I would not exist. I would have given up a long time ago. He has given me a calling to love. A calling to bring love to the world. A calling to bring people to love itself, Him.
God you are more. I am less. Take hold of my life and lead me where You want me to go. I give you all.
God has always been my provider. Making the impossible happen, making me believe in the little things. Giving me not only what I need but managing to give me what I want. He has shown me right from wrong, pulled me away from the wrong path and lead me down the right one. He has taught me what it means to forgive, to have grace, to receive grace.
He is my Rock. My salvation. Without whom I cannot stand. He has pulled me from the depths of what seems like hell and taken me back to a place where I am no longer afraid.
He is my Father. He was there when my earthly father wasn't, and remains now even when my father has returned.
He takes care of me. I may be sick, but He knows just how to make me okay. He knows how to comfort me in my loneliness and care for me when I want no one else.
He is my Commander. As they say in the Army, He leads his platoon. He whips me into shape when I start to get lazy. Pushes me farther when I want to give up. However, instead of yelling at me when I do wrong, He gently whispers in my ear, "I forgive you," and encourages me on.
He is my everything. My laughing buddy, my shoulder to cry on, my secret keeper. My Best Friend.
He is my teacher. When I make mistakes, He teaches me how to move on. He brings me back to focus when I lose my concentration, which, let me tell you happens quite often.
He is my water, soil, and light. Like a plant, without these I will not grow. My roots are deep in the soil of His word, begging to be replenished and poured into. I'm dropping seeds everywhere and finally I see God pushing them into the soil. They're ready to grow.
He is the sun, warming my soul, warming my heart. He fills me with joy, takes away the cold, bringing light into my life. He takes the rain and cold and turns it to an unexplainable rainbow of color.
He is my joy. My hope. All I am.
Most importantly God has taught me how to love. Love myself, love my God, love others. Without love, I would not exist. I would have given up a long time ago. He has given me a calling to love. A calling to bring love to the world. A calling to bring people to love itself, Him.
God you are more. I am less. Take hold of my life and lead me where You want me to go. I give you all.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Stuck
Having one of those days where you just want to disappear
Experiencing life at a pace beyond all your control
Waking up and wishing you hadn't
Spending hours just staring anywhere but where you need to
Lost in translation.
A life spent dwelling on the past
Wondering where you went wrong
Questioning all the choices you've made
Asking for answers
Never getting a response
Always wondering how to get through the day
A never ending pit of pain in your gut
Regret
Sorrow
Pain
You can't help but wonder where your God is
Right there next to you, But you can't tell
Because it always seems something is going wrong
So you sit in silence, alone
Or so it seems
You have no idea what to do any more
Are you making the right choices?
Have you gone the wrong way?
You can't help but question things
Question everything
Sick all the time
Hurting constantly
No answers
No help
No joy
Without answers comes nothing
Where is my life going?
What road will I be forced to take?
What happened to Your plan?
I'm stuck
Experiencing life at a pace beyond all your control
Waking up and wishing you hadn't
Spending hours just staring anywhere but where you need to
Lost in translation.
A life spent dwelling on the past
Wondering where you went wrong
Questioning all the choices you've made
Asking for answers
Never getting a response
Always wondering how to get through the day
A never ending pit of pain in your gut
Regret
Sorrow
Pain
You can't help but wonder where your God is
Right there next to you, But you can't tell
Because it always seems something is going wrong
So you sit in silence, alone
Or so it seems
You have no idea what to do any more
Are you making the right choices?
Have you gone the wrong way?
You can't help but question things
Question everything
Sick all the time
Hurting constantly
No answers
No help
No joy
Without answers comes nothing
Where is my life going?
What road will I be forced to take?
What happened to Your plan?
I'm stuck
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Health Update
Life has been pretty.... difficult lately to say the least.
I'm still very sick all the time, taking medication that makes me sleep 13 hours (and if I don't sleep 13 hours I'm sick the next day). I'm impatiently waiting for answers... I can't get into the doctor I need to get into (in Eureka) until the end of June. Now I have a doctor in San Francisco... he has an appointment for me in two weeks. Six days before Missions Training in LA. He doesn't take my insurance and every time I call to get a cost estimate they've gone home for the day (2:30 today!). My Dad leaves for the Philippines on Monday and I need answers before he leaves... Does anyone want to take a trip with me? It's Tuesday and Wednesday in San Fran on the 16th and 17th... I'm very afraid to go alone, especially if I get bad news... or any news for that matter. I haven't even cleared it with Rachel but she is the one who suggested I go out of town anyway so I'm hoping it's okay....
Missions training is in less than three weeks. I'm excited and in debt. By the time I go, I'll still be $500 or so short of what I need, so I am going to be taking it out of my ever-shrinking college fund. I stayed low on the fundraising for training because I really just need help with funding for Russia... So unless some of you know anyone willing to donate to training, I'm out of luck.
I feel very short changed lately. I've had a great few days with my family so that's helped... But I am under a tremendous amount of stress in trying to navigate missions alone and trying to get healthy. I'm so overwhelmed with this sickness, and I've had to force myself to get through every single day for the last 3 months.... Everyone seems to just be telling me to suck it up and deal with it, if they even say anything at all... when all I want is for someone to hold me and tell me I'll be okay. It's so scary not knowing what is wrong with me and I've never gotten to talk to anyone about it. No one wants to hear about it. Three solid months of suffering and people have stopped asking how I'm doing. I feel so alone.
I'm currently navigating the work of missions alone. I get emails of the next step in paperwork and then off i go. I have one step left of filling out my budget and I'm off and running. I have Kim who I ask questions and pester all the time and she helps so I'm not too stressed about it. But then I think about the fact that I need to be in Russia in 5 months and I start to freak out. My Russians lessons are on hold right now because of my health and I can't start fundraising until after training. I'll have 4 months to fundraise about $10,000.... Obviously I'm completely dependent on God for this. There is no way I can do it alone.
However, I do not have medical clearance any longer to go to Russia. Yep. That's right. I can't go until they diagnose me. Another stress. This illness is destroying my life. I don't know what to do any more. Seriously. I live off cereal with lactose free milk, oatmeal, and bagels. Everything else seems to make me sick. I'm so beyond frustrated and discouraged with my health issues... I give up trying.... seriously. I can't do this any more and I'm losing the battle with it. I'd rather just lay in bed all day... that's the only thing that doesn't hurt or make me sick. I'm nearly twenty two years old and I have the loneliest and least active life of anyone I know. Internship, class, bed. I'm so done.
I'm still very sick all the time, taking medication that makes me sleep 13 hours (and if I don't sleep 13 hours I'm sick the next day). I'm impatiently waiting for answers... I can't get into the doctor I need to get into (in Eureka) until the end of June. Now I have a doctor in San Francisco... he has an appointment for me in two weeks. Six days before Missions Training in LA. He doesn't take my insurance and every time I call to get a cost estimate they've gone home for the day (2:30 today!). My Dad leaves for the Philippines on Monday and I need answers before he leaves... Does anyone want to take a trip with me? It's Tuesday and Wednesday in San Fran on the 16th and 17th... I'm very afraid to go alone, especially if I get bad news... or any news for that matter. I haven't even cleared it with Rachel but she is the one who suggested I go out of town anyway so I'm hoping it's okay....
Missions training is in less than three weeks. I'm excited and in debt. By the time I go, I'll still be $500 or so short of what I need, so I am going to be taking it out of my ever-shrinking college fund. I stayed low on the fundraising for training because I really just need help with funding for Russia... So unless some of you know anyone willing to donate to training, I'm out of luck.
I feel very short changed lately. I've had a great few days with my family so that's helped... But I am under a tremendous amount of stress in trying to navigate missions alone and trying to get healthy. I'm so overwhelmed with this sickness, and I've had to force myself to get through every single day for the last 3 months.... Everyone seems to just be telling me to suck it up and deal with it, if they even say anything at all... when all I want is for someone to hold me and tell me I'll be okay. It's so scary not knowing what is wrong with me and I've never gotten to talk to anyone about it. No one wants to hear about it. Three solid months of suffering and people have stopped asking how I'm doing. I feel so alone.
I'm currently navigating the work of missions alone. I get emails of the next step in paperwork and then off i go. I have one step left of filling out my budget and I'm off and running. I have Kim who I ask questions and pester all the time and she helps so I'm not too stressed about it. But then I think about the fact that I need to be in Russia in 5 months and I start to freak out. My Russians lessons are on hold right now because of my health and I can't start fundraising until after training. I'll have 4 months to fundraise about $10,000.... Obviously I'm completely dependent on God for this. There is no way I can do it alone.
However, I do not have medical clearance any longer to go to Russia. Yep. That's right. I can't go until they diagnose me. Another stress. This illness is destroying my life. I don't know what to do any more. Seriously. I live off cereal with lactose free milk, oatmeal, and bagels. Everything else seems to make me sick. I'm so beyond frustrated and discouraged with my health issues... I give up trying.... seriously. I can't do this any more and I'm losing the battle with it. I'd rather just lay in bed all day... that's the only thing that doesn't hurt or make me sick. I'm nearly twenty two years old and I have the loneliest and least active life of anyone I know. Internship, class, bed. I'm so done.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
The Path Of Least Resistance
I've spent the last three months laying in bed, resting. Doctor's orders. However, as time has progressed I have found that I feel worse. Spending an entire day off laying in bed feels like it can no longer be justified. I feel awful pretty much all the time, but I could never push through it. The last two weeks have been the most difficult. Not sleeping, not being able to eat properly, constant nausea, and pure exhaustion. I made it a goal not to call in sick to work, mostly by force, but mostly because I was sick of missing out. I can justify staying in on a Friday night because I never enjoy going out or hanging out with people, but I could no longer justify missing staff meetings, devotions, and working in my department. I could no longer spend my free time laying in bed watching Hulu or Netflix and thinking, I could be productive, but how? So yesterday I set a goal. I am only allowed to lay in bed if I have worked out. I can only relax when my Missions Training homework is complete.
I woke up this morning after only sleeping three hours last night and my first thought was to call in sick to work because, honestly, I hadn't felt that sick in a month. I still feel terrible. But then I told myself that if I didn't go to work then I wasn't allowed to go on a run like I plan to after work. Motivation number one.
I plan on working out six days a week, starting slow. Yesterday I ran just over a mile and walked to equal 3.7 miles. I did a few crunches and some push ups, along with some relevés, (ballet exercises to strengthen my ankles.) Today I am running the two miles home from work and walking a mile to dinner, before I spend three hours in class taking my final. I did crunches and push ups this morning and I'll do more relevés before I run to stretch my ankles (or something). Tomorrow I am walking to work and walking home. Saturday might be a light walk or something. I'll take Sunday off and I have no idea what Monday holds. I already have an accountability partner, and I plan on sticking to this.
This morning I could not get out of my mind how much I didn't want to run after work. I didn't want to walk, I didn't want to do anything, I still don't. But I'm so against taking the easy road right now. All I've done is take the easy road since I got sick and I am so done with that. So I might hate running, I might hate getting sweaty, and I really hate being sore... But that means nothing in the long run. For 4% (or less) of my day I'm going to take the time and care about myself. It might be miserable right now... As I try ridiculously hard not to get sick after I run, or to keep pushing myself to run even when I'm bored. I am so tired or being disappointed in myself and my body and I'm sick of taking the easy road in this. I want to be proud of myself for once. And the disappointment of giving up has been too much. So even though I have an insane amount of anxiety about having to run, and even though I feel ridiculously sick, I'm not taking the path or least resistance in this.
I woke up this morning after only sleeping three hours last night and my first thought was to call in sick to work because, honestly, I hadn't felt that sick in a month. I still feel terrible. But then I told myself that if I didn't go to work then I wasn't allowed to go on a run like I plan to after work. Motivation number one.
I plan on working out six days a week, starting slow. Yesterday I ran just over a mile and walked to equal 3.7 miles. I did a few crunches and some push ups, along with some relevés, (ballet exercises to strengthen my ankles.) Today I am running the two miles home from work and walking a mile to dinner, before I spend three hours in class taking my final. I did crunches and push ups this morning and I'll do more relevés before I run to stretch my ankles (or something). Tomorrow I am walking to work and walking home. Saturday might be a light walk or something. I'll take Sunday off and I have no idea what Monday holds. I already have an accountability partner, and I plan on sticking to this.
This morning I could not get out of my mind how much I didn't want to run after work. I didn't want to walk, I didn't want to do anything, I still don't. But I'm so against taking the easy road right now. All I've done is take the easy road since I got sick and I am so done with that. So I might hate running, I might hate getting sweaty, and I really hate being sore... But that means nothing in the long run. For 4% (or less) of my day I'm going to take the time and care about myself. It might be miserable right now... As I try ridiculously hard not to get sick after I run, or to keep pushing myself to run even when I'm bored. I am so tired or being disappointed in myself and my body and I'm sick of taking the easy road in this. I want to be proud of myself for once. And the disappointment of giving up has been too much. So even though I have an insane amount of anxiety about having to run, and even though I feel ridiculously sick, I'm not taking the path or least resistance in this.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
To Be Mediocre
I feel mediocre. Like... I don't know, I could have done better. I see these shows and watch people become who they have always dreamed of becoming... I've wanted to go to Yale since I was twelve. Yeah, that's never going to happen. I don't have the SAT scores or the grades to even apply. A rejection would be hard to take from there. I want more than anything to be prestigious or be considered good enough. I hear of people going there and achieving greatness... and I probably couldn't even get into a UC. I don't know. I haven't even found my future. At twenty one I realize I don't even know what I want to do for the rest of my life. I have so many regrets in my life, mostly not my fault. I have a lot of places I've wanted to go, things I've wanted to do. I was pulled from gymnastics and dance at a young age... my two favorite things in the world. I can't go back now.... not at twenty one... I don't have the finances or the time. Sure, I'm going to Russia. I'm thrilled. But am I even good enough for that? I can't even get the language. I'm just so frustrated with life... why can't I be better? More? I want to move to the East Coast and go to school.... finish school. If I even can. I've never been brave to go out on my own. How can I move to the East Coast with no job, no friends, no idea of what I am doing? I guess that's the thrill of it all.... not knowing. But when will I ever have the guts to do this? When will I get over my fear of getting lost? I'm sick of settling and being less than I know I can be. I am tired of not doing something because of finances or doubting myself completely. But I am more sick of sitting here non complacent. When can I be who I want to be... or why can't I start now? I don't want to spend the rest of my life in mediocre hell.... I don't want to regret anything.... I want to go after my heart. I know Russia is what's next.... but sadly I am not even there yet and I am wondering what comes after. I can't even spend time in the moment. I'm wondering when I will stop being the least of who I am, and when I will start becoming greater. I'm destined for something more but I don't have the guts to go out and be more.... So for now, New York... Connecticut... they'll have to wait... Yale? I hope Someday.... To be more? Hopefully starts tomorrow... Because I never want to settle for being mediocre.
Monday, March 4, 2013
Lily
She takes a deep breath and glances down at the test in her hands. Positive. She's going to be a mom. Not planned, not appreciated, not expected. There goes her life. Or so she thinks.
She approaches the man responsible. Tells him her story, tells him the truth. He's going to be a father. There goes his life. Or so he thinks.
Weeks go by and she is tormented. Abandoned by the man responsible, abandoned by her father, left to spend her free time in her mind. She can't do this. So there goes a life....
There goes a baby who never had a chance to breathe on its own, a baby who never learned to walk or talk. A human never given the chance to struggle through the teenage years or mend a broken heart. There goes a best friend, a spouse... a son or daughter... No college experience or future to stress about. A ballerina or police officer has been taken out of the mix, a soccer star, a soccer mom, a teacher. A future. All because someone decided they didn't want to do it, couldn't do it.
So another future is withheld, another angel that never got to experience life on this earth. I'm stuck here wondering why I have to feel this way. Why I have to be part of this awful story. I offer to sacrifice my future so that another can have one, and I'm rejected. So I'm left wondering why. Why couldn't I stop this and why couldn't I do anything to help? Why....
Rest in Peace, Lily... I hope you know I loved you even though I never got to meet you. I wish more than anything in this world that I could have helped.
She approaches the man responsible. Tells him her story, tells him the truth. He's going to be a father. There goes his life. Or so he thinks.
Weeks go by and she is tormented. Abandoned by the man responsible, abandoned by her father, left to spend her free time in her mind. She can't do this. So there goes a life....
There goes a baby who never had a chance to breathe on its own, a baby who never learned to walk or talk. A human never given the chance to struggle through the teenage years or mend a broken heart. There goes a best friend, a spouse... a son or daughter... No college experience or future to stress about. A ballerina or police officer has been taken out of the mix, a soccer star, a soccer mom, a teacher. A future. All because someone decided they didn't want to do it, couldn't do it.
So another future is withheld, another angel that never got to experience life on this earth. I'm stuck here wondering why I have to feel this way. Why I have to be part of this awful story. I offer to sacrifice my future so that another can have one, and I'm rejected. So I'm left wondering why. Why couldn't I stop this and why couldn't I do anything to help? Why....
Rest in Peace, Lily... I hope you know I loved you even though I never got to meet you. I wish more than anything in this world that I could have helped.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
February 28
STOP JUDGING AND EVALUATING YOURSELF, for this is not your role. Above all, stop comparing yourself with over people. This produces feelings of pride or inferiority; sometimes, a mixture of both. I lead each of My children along a path that is uniquely tailor-made for him or her. Comparing is not only wrong; it is also meaningless.
Don't look for affirmation in the wrong places: your own evaluations, or those of other people. The only source of real affirmation is My unconditional Love. Many believers perceive My as an unpleasable Judge, angrily searching out their faults and failures. Nothing could be farther from the truth! I died for your sins, so that I might clothe you in My garments of salvation. This is how I see you: radiant in My robe of righteousness. When I discipline you, it is never in anger or disgust; it is to prepare you for face-to-Face fellowship with Me throughout all eternity. Immerse yourself in My loving Presence. Be receptive to My affirmation, which flows continually from the throne of grace.
“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. (Luke 6:37 NIV)
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. (John 3:16, 17 NIV)
I will rejoice greatly in the Lord, My soul will exult in my God; For He has clothed me with garments of salvation, He has wrapped me with a robe of righteousness, As a bridegroom decks himself with a garland, And as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. (Isaiah 61:10 NASB)
My son, do not despise the Lord ’s discipline, and do not resent his rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in. (Proverbs 3:11, 12 NIV)
Jesus Calling by Sarah Young
Don't look for affirmation in the wrong places: your own evaluations, or those of other people. The only source of real affirmation is My unconditional Love. Many believers perceive My as an unpleasable Judge, angrily searching out their faults and failures. Nothing could be farther from the truth! I died for your sins, so that I might clothe you in My garments of salvation. This is how I see you: radiant in My robe of righteousness. When I discipline you, it is never in anger or disgust; it is to prepare you for face-to-Face fellowship with Me throughout all eternity. Immerse yourself in My loving Presence. Be receptive to My affirmation, which flows continually from the throne of grace.
“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. (Luke 6:37 NIV)
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. (John 3:16, 17 NIV)
I will rejoice greatly in the Lord, My soul will exult in my God; For He has clothed me with garments of salvation, He has wrapped me with a robe of righteousness, As a bridegroom decks himself with a garland, And as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. (Isaiah 61:10 NASB)
My son, do not despise the Lord ’s discipline, and do not resent his rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in. (Proverbs 3:11, 12 NIV)
Jesus Calling by Sarah Young
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
To Struggle
Life has been a struggle lately. Terrible health issues (need surgery), work hours changing, family concerns.... so much is happening out of my control.
I've been holding in all my emotions about my sickness... the truth is I am overwhelmed. I've stopped myself from even admitting to myself how much I am struggling. Twice now I have just lost it in tears because doctors have found no solution. Well at 6am yesterday we think we found a solution. I had an hour and a half long HIDA Scan at the hospital. The test is for my gall bladder and caused my symptoms to all come back ten-fold. I almost got sick on the woman administering the test.... I might need my gall bladder removed. But I am beyond over joyed that we have possibly found a solution. I have gone to 2 doctors, had a procedure, 5 needles in my arm, an ER visit, and two sets of blood tests in the last month and a half. I'm just waiting for the day when I wake up and can get out of bed pain and nausea free.
Today I walked into work frustrated. I only slept 8 hours and my medication requires at least 10 hours for me to be okay. I felt very ill. I was stressed out. So I snapped. I wanted to cry and tell the world to leave me alone. I put my headphones in and glared at everyone. I was rude and made frustrated snappy comments. It was a terrible morning. By one I had to apologize. It wasn't okay. I wasn't okay. I feel awful for the way I treated the other interns. But by two my day was looking up. I got my entire list done for work done by 4. I was able to pray and listen to worship music as I worked alone. I had a donut. I had a laugh. Most importantly I had coffee. Now I'm still tired but I feel better. I am optimistic, apologized to everyone and had a weight lifted, and I was able to talk to my best friend on the phone for 20 minutes. I had a polar opposite afternoon to this morning. I almost forgot how awful this morning was but you can't forget those things, you know? You have to take it and make it a lesson. I will probably be tired again with this illness. I'll probably be frustrated. But when I prayed for a better day, it happened. Very slowly.... but there was progress... and I didn't grow from the suffering. I grew from the day change. From the perspective change. I was able to see how I suffer and I was able to turn that around for next time. I'm going to suffer.... but I don't have to make others suffer or make myself suffer worse because I feel sorry for myself. Tonight I will go to bed early and sleep in tomorrow. Tomorrow will be a better day. No suffering.
I've been holding in all my emotions about my sickness... the truth is I am overwhelmed. I've stopped myself from even admitting to myself how much I am struggling. Twice now I have just lost it in tears because doctors have found no solution. Well at 6am yesterday we think we found a solution. I had an hour and a half long HIDA Scan at the hospital. The test is for my gall bladder and caused my symptoms to all come back ten-fold. I almost got sick on the woman administering the test.... I might need my gall bladder removed. But I am beyond over joyed that we have possibly found a solution. I have gone to 2 doctors, had a procedure, 5 needles in my arm, an ER visit, and two sets of blood tests in the last month and a half. I'm just waiting for the day when I wake up and can get out of bed pain and nausea free.
Today I walked into work frustrated. I only slept 8 hours and my medication requires at least 10 hours for me to be okay. I felt very ill. I was stressed out. So I snapped. I wanted to cry and tell the world to leave me alone. I put my headphones in and glared at everyone. I was rude and made frustrated snappy comments. It was a terrible morning. By one I had to apologize. It wasn't okay. I wasn't okay. I feel awful for the way I treated the other interns. But by two my day was looking up. I got my entire list done for work done by 4. I was able to pray and listen to worship music as I worked alone. I had a donut. I had a laugh. Most importantly I had coffee. Now I'm still tired but I feel better. I am optimistic, apologized to everyone and had a weight lifted, and I was able to talk to my best friend on the phone for 20 minutes. I had a polar opposite afternoon to this morning. I almost forgot how awful this morning was but you can't forget those things, you know? You have to take it and make it a lesson. I will probably be tired again with this illness. I'll probably be frustrated. But when I prayed for a better day, it happened. Very slowly.... but there was progress... and I didn't grow from the suffering. I grew from the day change. From the perspective change. I was able to see how I suffer and I was able to turn that around for next time. I'm going to suffer.... but I don't have to make others suffer or make myself suffer worse because I feel sorry for myself. Tonight I will go to bed early and sleep in tomorrow. Tomorrow will be a better day. No suffering.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Lent
So every year I do lent. No I'm not catholic. But I use this time to refocus on the importance of God in my life. I usually fast coffee but I'm already on a no caffeine restriction. So I decided to fast country music. Slightly ridiculous but this is harder than any year I've done yet. My life depends so much on music and I think non stop about how I wish I were listening to Blake Shelton or Miranda Lambert. It's sad how much I like it and how much I miss it. But now I know the importance of focusing on God during this time. Whenever I think about missing country music I pray. It brings me closer to God and makes it a little easier. It's only been 4 days and I'm slightly miserable. But I know in the end that it will work out and when I get back to listening to country music I will be so much more thankful for it b
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
God Is So Much Bigger
I've had a new perspective on missions and life just in the last 24 hours. I'm going to be challenged. It's going to be maddening at times. And I'm going to fight in order to stay on the right path, but it's so worth it. It's the first time I'll be on my own in a way. No rules necessarily. No curfew. An adult. It's emotionally exciting and causes tears, but I can't wait.
I've been reading a lot on missions in prep for training and I've found so much in the Bible about God's amazing works in the world. Jesus went everywhere capable. God commanded it that all the world know Jesus. Yes we know that. But do we know how Jesus went about it? Do we fully comprehend that? In love. If we walk in love then they will know the gospel. Knowing that I am capable of love and knowing I am capable to fulfill this calling is overwhelming and makes me so sure that this is right. I may not be fluent in Russian yet. I may have little experience in missions. But I know what it is to love. I know how to love these kids. I know how to love these people. I know what to do. And it amazes me that God has finally set in from of me His mission for me. After all this preparation I'm ready.
I was listening to Heidi speak this weekend and she said "The Creator is bigger than the creation." And I never thought of it like that. God is so much bigger than what we see in front of us. The scenery. The animals. The people. He is so much greater. Meaning His plans are incomprehensible and His creation is incomparable to anything. I'm so far beyond blown away at what He is capable of. He took me, this 21 year old out of little Eureka... Brought me through a crazy life and testimony unique to only me.... He brought me through barriers so strong that only He could break them... He pushed me through school and this internship. With graduation on the horizon and Russia not far after.... I see where He has been all along. Where He is so much bigger than what He has done for me. And I am ready. I'm ready for His greater plans.
I've been reading a lot on missions in prep for training and I've found so much in the Bible about God's amazing works in the world. Jesus went everywhere capable. God commanded it that all the world know Jesus. Yes we know that. But do we know how Jesus went about it? Do we fully comprehend that? In love. If we walk in love then they will know the gospel. Knowing that I am capable of love and knowing I am capable to fulfill this calling is overwhelming and makes me so sure that this is right. I may not be fluent in Russian yet. I may have little experience in missions. But I know what it is to love. I know how to love these kids. I know how to love these people. I know what to do. And it amazes me that God has finally set in from of me His mission for me. After all this preparation I'm ready.
I was listening to Heidi speak this weekend and she said "The Creator is bigger than the creation." And I never thought of it like that. God is so much bigger than what we see in front of us. The scenery. The animals. The people. He is so much greater. Meaning His plans are incomprehensible and His creation is incomparable to anything. I'm so far beyond blown away at what He is capable of. He took me, this 21 year old out of little Eureka... Brought me through a crazy life and testimony unique to only me.... He brought me through barriers so strong that only He could break them... He pushed me through school and this internship. With graduation on the horizon and Russia not far after.... I see where He has been all along. Where He is so much bigger than what He has done for me. And I am ready. I'm ready for His greater plans.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Communion
"Take the cup now in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit."
I remember three years ago when I said no. I remember staring at the tiny cup of juice and thinking I couldn't do it. Why? Fear. I was afraid. Not of Jesus. No never. But afraid of food.
It amazes me that last night I was pouring my heart out to God during communion and yet three years ago I couldn't even get myself to partake in communion. It amazes me how far I've come. So much of my life was focused on this problem, this disorder, that I couldn't even take communion in remembrance of My God. Last night He reminded me of how much has changed. So I thank Him.
I thank Him for giving me the strength to overcome an obstacle that for the longest time held me captive. I thank Him for the human power He provided to talk me through hell and to love me when I didn't think anyone did. I thank Him for loving me enough to not give up, even when I did or refused to progress. Most of all I thank Him because of His broken body and His blood. Because no one understands more than Him what brokenness means than the Man who died for me. God taught me that I am worth so much more than I consider my own worth. His version of worth is so much Greater than my own perspective. And that is why, three years later, I am able to take communion. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.
I remember three years ago when I said no. I remember staring at the tiny cup of juice and thinking I couldn't do it. Why? Fear. I was afraid. Not of Jesus. No never. But afraid of food.
It amazes me that last night I was pouring my heart out to God during communion and yet three years ago I couldn't even get myself to partake in communion. It amazes me how far I've come. So much of my life was focused on this problem, this disorder, that I couldn't even take communion in remembrance of My God. Last night He reminded me of how much has changed. So I thank Him.
I thank Him for giving me the strength to overcome an obstacle that for the longest time held me captive. I thank Him for the human power He provided to talk me through hell and to love me when I didn't think anyone did. I thank Him for loving me enough to not give up, even when I did or refused to progress. Most of all I thank Him because of His broken body and His blood. Because no one understands more than Him what brokenness means than the Man who died for me. God taught me that I am worth so much more than I consider my own worth. His version of worth is so much Greater than my own perspective. And that is why, three years later, I am able to take communion. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
To grow in joy
Today for our devotional time we meditated on part of Deuteronomy 30:19
I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life.
I wanted to know what it was exactly that God meant by choose life. So I asked....
God, Choosing life means... Strength. To Love. A Purpose. I paused.
So... then what is my purpose?
To love. To grow. Joy.
Joy? I get it. I do. But how does that come alongside growth?
I no longer want you to grow in pain. I want you to grow in joy.
What does that mean?
You have suffered far too much. I don't want you to grow because of pain any longer. I want you to grow because of joy. Because of the good in life. No more growth in struggle. You've done that your entire life.
I cried. Figures. But this time it was different. I cried out of joy. God knows exactly what I need.... I want to grow but I haven't seen much growth in the last few months... and it's because I was looking for it in the wrong places. I was looking where I always had... in pain and struggle. But over the last few months God has been telling me that I need not to suffer any longer. I am going to experience joy. That is my growing point. I haven't seen this before and I think God wants to stretch me again. It isn't like my life has been in the pits for nearly twenty two years.... It has just been a fight. I struggled through divorces, eating disorders, abandonment issues, family drug problems, hatred, self hatred.... and now God is saying enough. I've grown through those trials... I made it through. But now He wants me to grow in joy.... something I have never experienced. It will be overwhelming and so exciting... but I have to realize that this is a normal thing: happiness. Not something I have experienced much of. A fun night out. Good conversations. Fun events. All temporary. But now God is saying I will be living a life of utter joy. And I can't wait to share it with the world.
I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life.
I wanted to know what it was exactly that God meant by choose life. So I asked....
God, Choosing life means... Strength. To Love. A Purpose. I paused.
So... then what is my purpose?
To love. To grow. Joy.
Joy? I get it. I do. But how does that come alongside growth?
I no longer want you to grow in pain. I want you to grow in joy.
What does that mean?
You have suffered far too much. I don't want you to grow because of pain any longer. I want you to grow because of joy. Because of the good in life. No more growth in struggle. You've done that your entire life.
I cried. Figures. But this time it was different. I cried out of joy. God knows exactly what I need.... I want to grow but I haven't seen much growth in the last few months... and it's because I was looking for it in the wrong places. I was looking where I always had... in pain and struggle. But over the last few months God has been telling me that I need not to suffer any longer. I am going to experience joy. That is my growing point. I haven't seen this before and I think God wants to stretch me again. It isn't like my life has been in the pits for nearly twenty two years.... It has just been a fight. I struggled through divorces, eating disorders, abandonment issues, family drug problems, hatred, self hatred.... and now God is saying enough. I've grown through those trials... I made it through. But now He wants me to grow in joy.... something I have never experienced. It will be overwhelming and so exciting... but I have to realize that this is a normal thing: happiness. Not something I have experienced much of. A fun night out. Good conversations. Fun events. All temporary. But now God is saying I will be living a life of utter joy. And I can't wait to share it with the world.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
January 9
I AM WITH YOU AND FOR YOU. When you decide on a course of action that is in line with My will, nothing in heaven or on earth can stop you. You may encounter many obstacles as you move toward your goal, but don't be discouraged--Never give up! With My help, you can overcome any obstacle. Do not expect an easy path as you journey hand in hand with Me, but do remember that I, your very present Helper, am omnipotent.
Much, much stress stress results from your wanting to make things happen before their times have come. One of the main ways I assert My sovreignty is in the timeing of events. If you want to stay close to Me and do things My way, ask Me to show you the path forward moment by moment. Instead of dashing headlong toward your goal, let Me set the pace. Slow down, and enjoy the journey in My Presence.
What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?
Romans 8:31
God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, Even though the earth be removed, And though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; Though its waters roar and be troubled, Though the mountains shake with its swelling.
Psalm 46: 1-3
For with God nothing will be impossible.
Luke 1: 37
Jesus Calling by Sarah Young
Much, much stress stress results from your wanting to make things happen before their times have come. One of the main ways I assert My sovreignty is in the timeing of events. If you want to stay close to Me and do things My way, ask Me to show you the path forward moment by moment. Instead of dashing headlong toward your goal, let Me set the pace. Slow down, and enjoy the journey in My Presence.
What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?
Romans 8:31
God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, Even though the earth be removed, And though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; Though its waters roar and be troubled, Though the mountains shake with its swelling.
Psalm 46: 1-3
For with God nothing will be impossible.
Luke 1: 37
Jesus Calling by Sarah Young
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
When God gives you a chance to say "yes!"
I wrote my personal constitution this year in my spiritual leadership class. Six pages (could have been longer) of my life calling, life goals, and my values. One of my values (that I guess could be considered a goal as well) is to persevere. In detail, I never want to say no to something that I know God has said I should do. I always said no to missions. "Heck no," I'd laugh, or people would laugh if I ever brought it up. "Teresa? In Mexico?" Yeah. so you see my hesitation. Where I regret. I regret saying no to the past. But I made it a value to NEVER say no to God again. Yeah. Difficult. Even when I know He has a much better plan than I do. Figures, as soon as I make this a value God says to do something absolutely insane. Go to Russia. It took three days before it hit me that I was going. I knew as soon as it was suggested to me that I was going.... but it took three days for me to be like.... okay.... Uhm, sure? And now, weeks later, I am reading as fast as I can, filling out an endless amount of paperwork, making appointments, emails, phone calls.... and I'm not the least bit terrified. I'm nervous, seeing as I have never lived anywhere but here. I'm nervous because I've never left anyone behind. But financially, spiritually, mentally.... I'm like, Let's Do This!! No more fear. No more shock from people when I say I'm going to be a missionary. I'm going into this more confident than ever. And it's because I said yes. God makes a way when you are open to His plans, when you are willing to go out on a limb with Him. So I'm on this limb and I'm jumping with Him. And I can't wait.
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