To Be Made Whole

I was having a very rough night a few days ago... hyperventilating, despair, ugly cry kind of rough night.  It was the first in a very very long time.  I didn't quite understand why I had to feel the way I felt.  I didn't fully grasp why God had me sit in this pain as I was.  I was confused.

The next morning, after waking up still feeling a little like I had the night before, I heard a song on the radio and God spoke to me.  

An old wound had been opened up and I felt like my blood was pouring straight out of my heart.  I was broken a long time ago, and in a lot of ways I still am.  This old wound hadn't been broken open in a long time, and I know that the last time that is was opened God was not who I relied on to fix it.  I allowed it to scab and scar and callous over.  It was like I was back in the gym, with blisters already on my hands, ripping them wide open because I went back on the bars before they were healed.

But here's the thing...  I needed this wound to be ripped open.  I needed to be completely vulnerable and broken in God's hands in order for it to be completely healed.  I cried for hours, I prayed why for hours.... and yet, here I am just a few days later and I see where I have been healed.  My heart still aches a little, but that's what happens in the healing process.  I know that if I hadn't prayed or had others pray for me, I would have the same calloused heart.  I would have held my wound shut with a bandaid and called it good.  But in the process of being broken, I had only God to rely on... He was my safe place.  I knew He could fix it.  

God is the King of broken.  He watched as His son was put through the most difficult thing any one could withstand.  He watched as His perfect Child was crucified for man.... He was broken.  Jesus knows better than any one else how it feels to be broken and how if feels to be alone.  He spent His entire life on this planet in opposition.  He never gave up, He never stopped seeking His Father.  

And here I am... my heart pouring into God's hands, breaking into God's hands. And my heart is anew.  He has made this heart new.  He made my whole heart new when I said, "Yes," to His Son.  He  has repaired holes, done surgery to transform my stone heavy heart; again the other day, He has repaired another wound in my heart.  He continues to heal our hearts, to make us into the person He wants us to become.  He is filling up our empty souls, He's comforting us in our loneliness.  He is making us into better people.  He is healing His children.  And although I would rather not experience the pain like I did the other night again, I would do it one thousand times if it means I am going to be made more whole.  If it means that God will be who I think of in any scenario of my life. If God is given the glory that He deserves, I will continue to let Him break me to make me whole.

Make me broken 

So I can be healed
‘Cause I’m so calloused
And now I can’t feel
I want to run to You
With heart wide open
Make me broken

Keep Making Me- The Sidewalk Prophets