It wasn't necessarily that I called people terrible names or picked fights with other girls, but I definitely held this holier-than-thou persona. I'm no where near proud of my attitude, but it was the only thing that held me above water.
I made people feel terrible about themselves if they didn't have an entire closet of Abercrombie & Fitch. I looked down on people who owned less than two pairs of Ugg boots or carried a purse worth less than the cheapest Dooney & Bourke purse. I scoffed if your outfit was worth less than $300. I was a materialistic snob. People who were larger than a size 2 didn't deserve my attention.
Why? I see it now. I hated myself. I felt worthless, so I made myself worth thousands of dollars with designer brands. I couldn't handle having someone look better than me, though I felt like everyone around me did.
I made everyone around me feel inferior. I'm not sure I succeeded, but just the thought that I made one person feel worse than I did made me feel better about myself.
I never stole lunch money, picked a fight, or called people mean names, but I was a bully in my mind. So although I never actually told people they were nothing or told them that I looked better than them, my posture and attitude definitely spoke for me.
It's funny, really, because I've never considered myself well-off by any standard, but somehow I was able to present myself that way.
I didn't realize until recently how I struggled with my personal image, or, more specifically, how I projected my struggle onto others. They say that bullies hurt others because they hurt, and I hope anyone who reads this doesn't think any less of me, but I'm realizing how much of a bully I really was.
I hated who I was, where I came from, and what I stood for... so I made others feel the same way. I hate that about myself now, but I know I can't change who I was. I went through the hardest four years of my life in high school, and although that is no excuse, I didn't have a clue as to how else to fight.
All I can do now is change, fix what I can, and hope everything works out. And though I still struggle with this sometimes, I recognize that everyone else around me has feelings. I don't have to fight against the bullies that I fought in high school. I don't have to fight innocent bystanders. I have to fight myself and my human desire to hurt.
I think this is where I received my call to love. I know what it feels like to hate, to be hated; I never want a single soul to ever feel like I did in high school, or to feel how I made others feel. No one deserves that. I'm fighting back. But this time I'm fighting my old self; I'm in a war against satan and the lies he tells me, and everyone else, every single day.
We are worthy. I am. You are. Don't ever let satan or high school Teresa make you feel inferior. Whether you shop on Fifth Avenue or Goodwill. Whether you're short, tall, overweight, underweight, smart or struggle with school... A believer or not... Please know that you are loved and deemed worthy to walk on this planet.
Choose to love, even if it is hard. You are loved, you are worthy, and I'm sorry if I ever made you feel any different.
I hope this serves as a lesson of sorts... Whether you've been bullied, witnessed a bully, or you've been a bully yourself... People are people. They have feelings and, even if you can't see it, they have their own insecurities. You don't have to be perfect all the time. God sees you in a different light... You are His child, not the worlds. No matter what people say, God sees His creation... His love. And while I am nowhere near Christ-like, God has shown me that love is the only way to concur evil. Fight with love and not hate. That's what Jesus would want and that's all I ask.
