I remember when I was young, just how magical Christmas was. Santa by some miracle got my bike down a nonexistent chimney. My family was whole. I had never experienced loss, life, or a bad day. Ten years down the road I saw all of that and way too much more. Christmas turned to hell.
I can tell you just by looking at the "family photo" on Christmas what year it was. The year my sister had spent beating me and dealing with a serious drug problem. The year I starved myself and no one noticed. The year half my family moved away. The year my parents were within a month from divorcing. The year there wasn't a picture at all.... last year.
Years ago I decided that I hate Christmas. Why? Because as a child, Christmas was about family. And I had none as a teen. For a while it seemed. I felt the feeling of loss more than any one in my family. Took the brunt of the pain. All in secret. No one knows how I felt, and are possibly finding out right now. I was broken. Lost. Confused.
And then there was God. I had Him. I had the people who loved Him and loved me with Him. That was my escape. That is where I hid last year. I couldn't take the divorce, the hate, the struggle. I couldn't figure out where I belonged. So I disappeared into the Christmas Day church service, pretending I was whole and happy. Few knew. Few knew that I was struggling through one of the most difficult days of my life.
I spend every year building up to "the big day," Christmas. I go all out with the lights, music, clothing, the entire Christmas spirit. I love it. But give me Christmas day and I'm cornered. I hated it. More than anything else in the entire world. Because I had no one. Not one single relative who wanted me. Or that's how it played out in my mind.
But God had something else in mind this year.
My family, broken, confused, dealing with the most difficult of life struggles.... drugs, divorce, opposite sides of the world, single parenting, Cancer, heart surgeries.... my family somehow became a family this year. Over the last year my little sister has become one of my best friends.... one reason why I went into Christmas day feeling okay. My nieces lighting up any room they're in.... making Christmas happy. And finding that I have not one.... but four places to call home.... made Christmas this year one of the best days of my life. I spent the day in a rush most of the time... opening and running, eating and leaving, laughing and driving away.... but it was because I had family who wanted to see me and I wanted to be with them. Because this year... Christmas meant so much more to me than hiding in a corner all alone again... it meant family. It meant Christ. It meant love from more people than I can keep track. It meant Christmas. And for the first time I feel like I'm six again. Believing that it is totally possible to get a bike down the non existent chimney. That it is okay to hope and believe that God is constantly working with me to connect with my family again.... That He is completely capable of anything.... this year it was a Christmas Miracle.
Friday, December 28, 2012
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
December 9
BE WILLING to go out on a limb with Me. If that is where I am leading you, it is the safest place to be. Your desire to live a risk-free life is a form of unbelief. Your longing to live close to Me is at odds with your attempt to minimize risk. You are approaching a crossroads in your journey. In order to follow Me wholeheartedly, you must relinquish your tendency to play it safe.
Let Me lead you step by step through this day. If your primary focus is on Me, you can walk along perilous paths without being afraid. Eventually, you will learn to relax and enjoy the adventure of our journey together. As long as you stay close to Me, My sovereign Presence Protects you wherever you go.
Psalm 23:4
Psalm 9:10
John 12:26
Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.
As someone who has probably never taken a real risk, this spoke volumes to me. I've always said, "no way!" "Are you crazy?" "Danger!" To anything that might be considered a risk. And here I am, possibly leaping across the ocean taking the biggest risk possibly ever in my life. I see growth in the sense that I am not afraid. I see growth that I am excited. I see growth that I wasn't even AFRAID to tell someone my thoughts and feelings about being a missionary. As someone who people say, "oh, she's in a weird mood! Let's do something risky!" I have to admit, this is far more risky than anything I could ever imagine. And I have no fear. When I read this devotion the other morning, I realized how much of my life I have put on hold out of fear, out of unbelief. I'm sure I will have regrets 5 years from now about something I should have done in college. But I will no longer sit here and do nothing. No. I wrote me personal constitution a few weeks ago and one of my life goals is to never regret anything. I never ever want to say no to God or give up on something He has given me the ability to do... No matter what. So. Here I am. Taking a risk. Saying YES to what I have been called to do. I want to be a missionary. At least for a little while. He knows where and how and all the details. So for now I will remain proactive and "keep working at it" as He told me to do yesterday. I'm beyond excited and I have no fear. Here I GO.
Let Me lead you step by step through this day. If your primary focus is on Me, you can walk along perilous paths without being afraid. Eventually, you will learn to relax and enjoy the adventure of our journey together. As long as you stay close to Me, My sovereign Presence Protects you wherever you go.
Psalm 23:4
Psalm 9:10
John 12:26
Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.
As someone who has probably never taken a real risk, this spoke volumes to me. I've always said, "no way!" "Are you crazy?" "Danger!" To anything that might be considered a risk. And here I am, possibly leaping across the ocean taking the biggest risk possibly ever in my life. I see growth in the sense that I am not afraid. I see growth that I am excited. I see growth that I wasn't even AFRAID to tell someone my thoughts and feelings about being a missionary. As someone who people say, "oh, she's in a weird mood! Let's do something risky!" I have to admit, this is far more risky than anything I could ever imagine. And I have no fear. When I read this devotion the other morning, I realized how much of my life I have put on hold out of fear, out of unbelief. I'm sure I will have regrets 5 years from now about something I should have done in college. But I will no longer sit here and do nothing. No. I wrote me personal constitution a few weeks ago and one of my life goals is to never regret anything. I never ever want to say no to God or give up on something He has given me the ability to do... No matter what. So. Here I am. Taking a risk. Saying YES to what I have been called to do. I want to be a missionary. At least for a little while. He knows where and how and all the details. So for now I will remain proactive and "keep working at it" as He told me to do yesterday. I'm beyond excited and I have no fear. Here I GO.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
To Become A Missionary
I’m going to be the first to admit
this (and many will after me), that Missions was not something I would have
even considered an option a year ago.
But in retrospect, the last year of my life has gone through a miraculous
transformation. God has softened my
heart to do something different, be different, get out of my comfort zone. Missions.
I remember when God told me that
one day I would be a missionary. I just didn’t know it would be so soon. I ran
a missions weekend in the Children’s Department in March of this year and
turned the entire month of April into a missions focus. My friend was in Africa on Missions and I
decided to gather as many pairs of children’s shoes as I could to send to Bulembu
in Swaziland. We designated the entire
month’s offering to missions and had guest speakers come and share about their
missions experience. I thought it would
be fun for the kids to understand just what missions was, only to find out for
myself that I was called to be a missionary.
Less than a month later I made a commitment to
go to Mexico on a missions trip. I was terrified before I left, only to find I
had no reason to fear. I was so happy
there. I struggled, I was pushed beyond my limits, and I missed home… but what
I gained from that trip was a heart for the world. I learned that life isn’t about my phone, how
many people I can update on Facebook about my life, or about myself. I learned that love is the key to anything. With a language barrier beyond my control, all
I could do was love and pray. The
connections I made with the people in Ensenada, Mexico are connections that are
eternal. Prayer opened up a world of
transformation in my heart and gave me the ability to miraculously communicate
with these people. I was able to love
without words. I want to be back there
right now, but I know that is not the place I am called to be. I am called somewhere else.
The next step in my missionary walk
is preparation to GO long term. In order
for me to GO, I need to attend missionary training through Foursquare Missions
International. In April 2013, I will
embark on this training adventure with two weeks of intensive missions
training. I will be staying with fellow
Missionary trainees who will deploy as early as next year or anytime in the
future. I will make connections with
missionaries around the world, and gain Missionary knowledge beyond anything I
have ever received before. In order for
me to take this trip, I will need to raise $1800. This includes the cost of training, travel
costs, and a few meals. As an intern,
saving funds is nearly impossible. This
is where I need the grace of God’s provision.
This is where you come in.
In order for me to participate in
this amazing opportunity, I am relying on support from my family and friends,
prayerfully and financially. If you are
willing and able to give towards my missions training, Faith Center has a
designated fund for you to give to. You
can give online at eurekafaithcenter.org and designate it toward International
Missions, writing in “Teresa Repair- Missions Training” under special
instructions, or write a check to Faith Center, designating the same thing in
the memo and send it to Faith Center at 1032 Bay Street, Eureka, CA 95501. I have confidence that God will provide for
this amazing opportunity and I am so thankful to be given this chance to go
further on my walk with God. Thank you
for investing in my future.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
The Next Step
I'm not really sure where my life is going. I see what I am doing now, but where is that taking me? I don't think I want to be in ministry.... I think my Calling is kids, but not necessarily in a church. Mom, teacher, nanny.... i don't really know. I just know from this internship that this might just be a volunteer thing... teach a K-1 class on Sundays.... but as for career.... I don't think that is my Calling. I thought it was.... but more and more I am coming to find that I don't think that is what God wants. I know for a fact with how life is going now that I am not meant to stay here in Eureka. Yes, that terrifies me and sometimes I cry because I am going to miss my kids and people, but honestly, I don't think I am thriving here as a person or believer. I have grown so much in the last year, it's astounding. But I find now that growth isn't happening any longer. My focus and dedication is now "get done and get out," rather than focusing on my current work week. I haven't heard much from God about anything pertaining to my life lately, so I sit in wait. Yes, impatiently (my human nature), but my time for Knowing will come. And if it doesn't, then off to London I go next Fall. If that isn't what God wants for me, then I know clarity will come. I am ready for the next step in life.... which doesn't necessarily mean marriage.... though honestly, I'd be okay with that.... But I'm really okay if marriage or a man aren't in the next phase. I know God has some man figured out.... so I won't fret. Just because I find that it might be nice, doesn't mean I should search for him for the sake of convenience. I want it the right way, the first time. I've seen too much divorce in my life to see how the wrong relationship can go. whether the next step be a nanny in London, or finishing up my double major at Simpson, or just working. Honestly, I have no idea. So for now, I will get back to my work as an intern, with my sights set on graduation on May 25. Then.... well I guess we'll see.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
A Day of Love
I haven't had a lot of positive days in the last few weeks. My Grandpa was diagnosed with an agressive lung cancer two weeks ago which could have already spread to his brain (we find out Friday). My other Grandad has decided to give up on life and doesn't think he'll make it until Christmas. My sister is back to her old habits from before rehab. Drugs. Alcohol. She is stealing from my sisters and my Dad, and she lives in the same house with both my nieces, which I'm not comfortable with. It's been an emotional whirlwind with the Kids Karnival, midterms, papers, constant travelling, sickness, rehearsal, interning, and stress. So as you can imagine, I have been struggling. Yesterday the reality of my life hit me and I broke down. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I'm sick. I'm exhausted. I can't lose my family. I just got them back. God, WHY?!
Yesterday was a struggle. And today... today I woke up exhausted, dizzy, and discouraged once again. But as I listen to worship music and read my Bible, I'm encouraged. Yes, I am still on the brink of tears at all times, but I feel like there is a shield protecting me. A shield of Love. God is holding on to me. I tried to run and He caught me, He's cradling me. I tried to give up. He told me "No," and grabbed on. I'm safe. I'm warm. I'm loved. I feel it. Especially today.
"Whatever you're facing, you don't have to go through it alone." Joyce Meyer
Yesterday was a struggle. And today... today I woke up exhausted, dizzy, and discouraged once again. But as I listen to worship music and read my Bible, I'm encouraged. Yes, I am still on the brink of tears at all times, but I feel like there is a shield protecting me. A shield of Love. God is holding on to me. I tried to run and He caught me, He's cradling me. I tried to give up. He told me "No," and grabbed on. I'm safe. I'm warm. I'm loved. I feel it. Especially today.
"Whatever you're facing, you don't have to go through it alone." Joyce Meyer
Friday, November 2, 2012
October 28
DO NOT EXPECT to be treated fairly in this life. People will say and do hurtful things to you, things you don't deserve. When someone mistreats you, try to view it as an opportunity to grow in grace. See how quickly up can forgive the one who has wounded you. Don't be concerned about setting the record straight. Instead of obsessing about other people's opinions of you, keep your focus on Me. Ultimately, it is My view of you that counts.
As you concentrate on relating to Me, remember that I have clothed you in My righteousness and holiness. I see you attired in these radiant garments, which I bought for you with My blood. This also is not fair; it is pure gift. When others treat you unfairly, remember that My ways with you are much better than fair. My ways are Peace and Love, which I have pored out into your heart by My Spirit,
Colossians 3:13; Isaiah 61:10; Ephesians 1:7-8; Romans 5:5
Jesus Calling by Sarah Young
As you concentrate on relating to Me, remember that I have clothed you in My righteousness and holiness. I see you attired in these radiant garments, which I bought for you with My blood. This also is not fair; it is pure gift. When others treat you unfairly, remember that My ways with you are much better than fair. My ways are Peace and Love, which I have pored out into your heart by My Spirit,
Colossians 3:13; Isaiah 61:10; Ephesians 1:7-8; Romans 5:5
Jesus Calling by Sarah Young
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
If you want a good God cry :)
I was going throughmy old journal and I found a few entries from a year ago… about my mom. I cried. Lately my family has been my first priority outside of God. Which is how it should be. For the first time I call them, they callme. My mom and I talk on occasion… atleast fifteen minute conversations. Thelast few have been over half an hour or forty-five minutes. Compared to what I wrote last year… I want tostick my hands straight in the air and say “Praise God!” I have two entries from one day in Septemberlast year… Hate and Ache. Both about my mom… God has changed my life with my family in a way sodrastic that I cannot keep my emotions down.
September 22, 2011
The end of Hate, “Insteadyou forgot about me, So now I'll forget about you. How you broke me. How you ruined me. How you made me hate. How you made me hate you. That’s right. I. Hate. You. And I can’t forgiveyou, love you. Because you never lovedme.” A line in Ache, “Hate callouses my unloved heart. Hate for you creates hate of myself. Self-conscious, bitter, sad. Tears flow from my swollen eyes. Begging for the love I never received.”
July 7, 2012
Mexico: Tell Mom youlove her.
I just started crying. Joy. I can’t even describe how myheart feels right now. I can’t even begin to explain where God has put myfamily in my heart. I can’t write anymore… I think I’m going to go call my Mom.
People Can Be So Mean
It's really hard to be yourself when people are so mean. It's a harsh reality, especially when they're supposed to be your friends, but really.. It shouldn't be tolerated. I try and be myself. I try and be the best person I can be... And people laugh and roll their eyes. So what if I mention that we need to be responsible? So what if I ask if someone is okay? Caring about my friend is so much more important than your stupid Facebook. Ignore me. Laugh at me all you want but this is who I am. Myself. Teresa. Me. Take it or leave it. If you laugh at me I won't accept that. I'm standing up for myself right now. I'm "okay" when I'm not talking non stop. I'm "okay" if I don't have a crazy reaction like you expected. I'm not okay when you laugh at who I am. I'm not okay when you roll your eyes when I'm trying to say something. Let me be. Pick on someone else because you're going to be seeing me from now on. Not who you thought I was. If you don't like it.... Take it up with God and walk away. Because I will no longer let you cut me down. Be my friend or be my enemy. I'll love you either way, but I won't let you love me back just to hurt me later. I don't care what you pick, because if you can't decide now then clearly we weren't friends in the first place. I'm happy with being myself. I'm happy with my friends that I have and my family. I could care less. But treat me like a human. Not your door mat.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Disappointements and Hope
As I shared about A Miracle a few days ago, comes the sharing of diappointment. Today, I had the expectation of my sister coming to church. The miracle of this occasion... dashed with a giant bucket of disappointment... no show. My heart was completely crushed as I stood on stage during baptisms and didn't see her face or my niece in the back.
In this comes hope with the baptisms. I assisted with eight baptisms this weekend... three being my friends and three being the Christen girls. I've watched Annabella, Madeline, and Catherine grow so much since I started attending Faith Center. This summer, I was there as Maddie accepted Christ in her life at Kids camp... I was there. I prayed with her to recieve the Holy Spirit... a first for me, and a seriously eye opening experience for both of us. God was there. And I cry when I see the power of God in this little girl, as well as her sisters! It makes me realize that life altering decisions will not happen over night. I have been waiting five years for my sisters to see the truth. And as God slowly breaks through my sister, I am expecting her to show up praising Jesus... and that is an expectation I am pushing too hard... I can't help it! All I want in this life is for my family to see Truth... to see Christ. All I want is to stand next to them in church praising God and what He has done. And as the walls break on my sister, I have become impatient. It isn't my timing, clearly. But it's happening. I was devestated beyond belief today. I haven't cried or hugged that much in years... or so it feels that way. I know it isn't my timing, but that little glimmer of hope is just yelling "Here I am!!" So there I go... expecting and being disappointed. Nothing breaks my heart more than this disappointment... all i want...
In this comes hope with the baptisms. I assisted with eight baptisms this weekend... three being my friends and three being the Christen girls. I've watched Annabella, Madeline, and Catherine grow so much since I started attending Faith Center. This summer, I was there as Maddie accepted Christ in her life at Kids camp... I was there. I prayed with her to recieve the Holy Spirit... a first for me, and a seriously eye opening experience for both of us. God was there. And I cry when I see the power of God in this little girl, as well as her sisters! It makes me realize that life altering decisions will not happen over night. I have been waiting five years for my sisters to see the truth. And as God slowly breaks through my sister, I am expecting her to show up praising Jesus... and that is an expectation I am pushing too hard... I can't help it! All I want in this life is for my family to see Truth... to see Christ. All I want is to stand next to them in church praising God and what He has done. And as the walls break on my sister, I have become impatient. It isn't my timing, clearly. But it's happening. I was devestated beyond belief today. I haven't cried or hugged that much in years... or so it feels that way. I know it isn't my timing, but that little glimmer of hope is just yelling "Here I am!!" So there I go... expecting and being disappointed. Nothing breaks my heart more than this disappointment... all i want...
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
A Miracle
So I cried in the staff meeting. This was different. Joy. The only emotion I could express.
Matt asked if we had anything else to say, and something that had been on my heart was to say thank you to the staff.
Over the last four to six months my little sister has begun to get to know a lot of my friends at the church, staff or otherwise. She has been calling me almost every day and we talk or hang out as often as we can. Even if it is only for ten minutes in between work and studying. I watch my niece 1-3 time a week while she works and I am off. Through this our relationship has grown. On days that I have Sophia, I know to reserve when my sister gets off work to spend time with her. Those are my family days. And I am more than okay to be with her and sacrifice sleep or some homework time. Over the last few weeks, my little sister has been bringing my niece to the church so I can have her at church at the eleven. She knows how important it is to me, and since I have had meetings or teaching classes in between services, she has offered to bring her. It brings joy to my heart and I melt or cry whenever I think about it. Two weeks ago I was able to meet her outside. As I carried Sophia in, my sister followed. I asked if she was coming in... "why not?" was her nonchalant response. I wanted to cry. With fifteen minutes until service started, I didn't hold the expectation that she would stay through service. As she came in she met new people, some staff, and a few of my friends that she didn't know yet. She said hi to Rebekah and Bonnie, and got some conversations in with people she knew and liked. We went into the sanctuary to set my things down so I would have a seat in service. In the sanctuary she saw Matt and talked with more people. Worship started and she took that moment to say, "I'll see you later." And that's okay with me. Progress.
This last weekend she brought Sophia again, but I was upstairs teaching the baptism class. So I couldn't come out. She came in on her own. She found Rebekah and talked and walked with her. That's how I found them.... laughing and talking as they walked to the sanctuary. She did that on her own. But she found comfort in Rebekah, on staff or not, Rebekah had the heart to connect with her. And had my sister seen other staff members instead, I'm sure I would have found them with her too. My sister has found a connection in the church besides me. On top of that, she hung out in the sanctuary for twenty minutes with me.
Over the last 9 months she has been discovering who I am as a believer, and realizing that who she thought I used to be (not good) is not really who I am.... or even people in the church. I am PRAISING GOD because this is a miracle. God has reached out and pulled on her heart.
I thanked the satff, because without their hearts and love, there would be no connection to a different view of a believer than me... and there's bias in that I am her sister. But that's good too. I don't know what to think besides "YAY!!" All I know... is that I have hope.
Matt asked if we had anything else to say, and something that had been on my heart was to say thank you to the staff.
Over the last four to six months my little sister has begun to get to know a lot of my friends at the church, staff or otherwise. She has been calling me almost every day and we talk or hang out as often as we can. Even if it is only for ten minutes in between work and studying. I watch my niece 1-3 time a week while she works and I am off. Through this our relationship has grown. On days that I have Sophia, I know to reserve when my sister gets off work to spend time with her. Those are my family days. And I am more than okay to be with her and sacrifice sleep or some homework time. Over the last few weeks, my little sister has been bringing my niece to the church so I can have her at church at the eleven. She knows how important it is to me, and since I have had meetings or teaching classes in between services, she has offered to bring her. It brings joy to my heart and I melt or cry whenever I think about it. Two weeks ago I was able to meet her outside. As I carried Sophia in, my sister followed. I asked if she was coming in... "why not?" was her nonchalant response. I wanted to cry. With fifteen minutes until service started, I didn't hold the expectation that she would stay through service. As she came in she met new people, some staff, and a few of my friends that she didn't know yet. She said hi to Rebekah and Bonnie, and got some conversations in with people she knew and liked. We went into the sanctuary to set my things down so I would have a seat in service. In the sanctuary she saw Matt and talked with more people. Worship started and she took that moment to say, "I'll see you later." And that's okay with me. Progress.
This last weekend she brought Sophia again, but I was upstairs teaching the baptism class. So I couldn't come out. She came in on her own. She found Rebekah and talked and walked with her. That's how I found them.... laughing and talking as they walked to the sanctuary. She did that on her own. But she found comfort in Rebekah, on staff or not, Rebekah had the heart to connect with her. And had my sister seen other staff members instead, I'm sure I would have found them with her too. My sister has found a connection in the church besides me. On top of that, she hung out in the sanctuary for twenty minutes with me.
Over the last 9 months she has been discovering who I am as a believer, and realizing that who she thought I used to be (not good) is not really who I am.... or even people in the church. I am PRAISING GOD because this is a miracle. God has reached out and pulled on her heart.
I thanked the satff, because without their hearts and love, there would be no connection to a different view of a believer than me... and there's bias in that I am her sister. But that's good too. I don't know what to think besides "YAY!!" All I know... is that I have hope.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Ask, Seek, Recieve.
“So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. Luke 11:9-10
Ever feel like you just need wisdom. Or you need help. Or Love. Forgiveness. His Presence. Assistance. Anything.
We all need. It's a matter of how we get it. Ask. Seek. Receive.
If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. James 1:5
What you need... God will give. Without reproach. No hesitation. It should be easy. But really, you have to ask. Get rid of that pride and ask for wisdom. Seek wisdom. Receive God's Wisdom. This can be said for anything else we need! God gives. All you have to do is ask.
Ever feel like you just need wisdom. Or you need help. Or Love. Forgiveness. His Presence. Assistance. Anything.
We all need. It's a matter of how we get it. Ask. Seek. Receive.
If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. James 1:5
What you need... God will give. Without reproach. No hesitation. It should be easy. But really, you have to ask. Get rid of that pride and ask for wisdom. Seek wisdom. Receive God's Wisdom. This can be said for anything else we need! God gives. All you have to do is ask.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Peace
Insert foot in mouth.
And go to bed earlier. I'm so tempted to delete my last post but I want to share a God moment from this morning.
Devotions: What you speak over your life will happen. So... Speak, "I can't do it," and you won't be able to. Speak, "I can't God can." Yes. God will. Speak, "I am going to have a terrible day." And you will have a terrible day. Speak, "I will have a good day." Guess what? You will.
It's all about your perception. So yes, my perception is skewed. Yes, the facts are still the same, but how I approach the facts (my perception) creates one seriously skewed reality.
I won't always see the truth because, as a human, I have that tendency. But I need to try harder to see the good. I'm worn out, torn down, and exhausted. But God can restore all of it in me. Strength. Love. Peace. He has a peace that surpasses all understanding. Lean on that and I will be okay. He will overcome this for me. I just have to believe it.
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
John 16:33
And go to bed earlier. I'm so tempted to delete my last post but I want to share a God moment from this morning.
Devotions: What you speak over your life will happen. So... Speak, "I can't do it," and you won't be able to. Speak, "I can't God can." Yes. God will. Speak, "I am going to have a terrible day." And you will have a terrible day. Speak, "I will have a good day." Guess what? You will.
It's all about your perception. So yes, my perception is skewed. Yes, the facts are still the same, but how I approach the facts (my perception) creates one seriously skewed reality.
I won't always see the truth because, as a human, I have that tendency. But I need to try harder to see the good. I'm worn out, torn down, and exhausted. But God can restore all of it in me. Strength. Love. Peace. He has a peace that surpasses all understanding. Lean on that and I will be okay. He will overcome this for me. I just have to believe it.
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
John 16:33
Monday, September 17, 2012
Home
So I haven't blogged in a while. The internship is crazy insanity with 3 trips in 3 weeks. 22 hours of driving in there. Midterms. Classes. Homework. Crazy Work hours. And moving.
Yes. Moving. Again.
I feel like a plague. A circumstance I cannot control, nor those who can't keep me. It's just so frustrating to be shuffled around from house to house as SOON as I am comfortable. I feel like a foster kid right now. I'm living out of my duffle bag. I have like 4 complete outfits, 2 sweatshirts, a jacket, and a few pairs of shoes. I asked Amanda to bring me a picture so I could set it up to at least feel like home. I LOVE where I am at Maryann's right now, but with circumstances beyond anyone's control (again) I can't stay there. I was only supposed to be here for two weeks. We passed the two week point, but there still is no where for me to go. This cycle just keep repeating and I can't help but feel lost and completely confused! I'm not sleeping, any time I eat I either get sick or have to curl into a ball for a while, I'm stressed, and all I need is a home.... It just makes me realize... I really have NO where else to go... At least not where the internship will allow... And again only somewhere that I will have a bed and a place to put my 5 outfits. I'm so done with this phase in life... People have been telling me, you'll know what real tired is when you have kids. You'll wish you could go back to now, the easy time. I don't think anyone understands the hell I'm dealing with. To not have a place called home? To have no where to go. To be shuffled from house to house because no one can keep me. I'm not 12. I'm 21 and I should be able to have a home! I'm not especially privileged. Nor do I feel I deserve a home... But seriously, this phase has to end or I have to leave. Because I cannot keep doing this. It has been like this my entire life. In the last 9 months I have live in 4 different places where I either wasn't wanted or circumstances beyond my control arose. I'm not angry with any of those people... But seriously, this next place I am put will hopefully work out. Hopefully number 5 is the magic number, because if it isn't, number 6 is going to be in London, where I wanted to go in the first place. I need a home. With love. Where I am wanted. Where I can stay. I can't do this any more.
Yes. Moving. Again.
I feel like a plague. A circumstance I cannot control, nor those who can't keep me. It's just so frustrating to be shuffled around from house to house as SOON as I am comfortable. I feel like a foster kid right now. I'm living out of my duffle bag. I have like 4 complete outfits, 2 sweatshirts, a jacket, and a few pairs of shoes. I asked Amanda to bring me a picture so I could set it up to at least feel like home. I LOVE where I am at Maryann's right now, but with circumstances beyond anyone's control (again) I can't stay there. I was only supposed to be here for two weeks. We passed the two week point, but there still is no where for me to go. This cycle just keep repeating and I can't help but feel lost and completely confused! I'm not sleeping, any time I eat I either get sick or have to curl into a ball for a while, I'm stressed, and all I need is a home.... It just makes me realize... I really have NO where else to go... At least not where the internship will allow... And again only somewhere that I will have a bed and a place to put my 5 outfits. I'm so done with this phase in life... People have been telling me, you'll know what real tired is when you have kids. You'll wish you could go back to now, the easy time. I don't think anyone understands the hell I'm dealing with. To not have a place called home? To have no where to go. To be shuffled from house to house because no one can keep me. I'm not 12. I'm 21 and I should be able to have a home! I'm not especially privileged. Nor do I feel I deserve a home... But seriously, this phase has to end or I have to leave. Because I cannot keep doing this. It has been like this my entire life. In the last 9 months I have live in 4 different places where I either wasn't wanted or circumstances beyond my control arose. I'm not angry with any of those people... But seriously, this next place I am put will hopefully work out. Hopefully number 5 is the magic number, because if it isn't, number 6 is going to be in London, where I wanted to go in the first place. I need a home. With love. Where I am wanted. Where I can stay. I can't do this any more.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Friendship with the Lord
My devotional for today: I LOVE THIS BOOK. "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young
September 5:
I AM YOUR BEST FRIEND, as well as your King. Walk hand in hand with Me through your life. Together we will face whatever each day brings: pleasure, hardships, adventures, disappointments. Nothing is wasted when it is shared with Me. I can bring beauty out of the ashes of lost dreams. I can glean Joy out of sorrow, Peace out of adversity. Only a Friend who is also the King of kings could accomplish this divine alchemy. There is no other like Me!
The friendship I offer you is practical and down-to-earth, yet it is saturated with heavenly Glory. Living in My Presence means living in two realms simultaneously: the visible world and unseen, eternal reality. I have equipped you to stay conscious of Me while walking along dusty, earthbound paths.
John 5:13-15; Isaiah 61:3; 2 Corinthians 6:10
September 5:
I AM YOUR BEST FRIEND, as well as your King. Walk hand in hand with Me through your life. Together we will face whatever each day brings: pleasure, hardships, adventures, disappointments. Nothing is wasted when it is shared with Me. I can bring beauty out of the ashes of lost dreams. I can glean Joy out of sorrow, Peace out of adversity. Only a Friend who is also the King of kings could accomplish this divine alchemy. There is no other like Me!
The friendship I offer you is practical and down-to-earth, yet it is saturated with heavenly Glory. Living in My Presence means living in two realms simultaneously: the visible world and unseen, eternal reality. I have equipped you to stay conscious of Me while walking along dusty, earthbound paths.
John 5:13-15; Isaiah 61:3; 2 Corinthians 6:10
Thursday, August 23, 2012
The Onion
Sometimes I laugh at myself for all of my "Castle" applications to my life. For example... Then onion. The Beckett Onion.
Katherine Beckett is a VERY complicated woman. You think she is an NYPD detective... Defeating the murderers of New York and kicking the crap out of crime. And she is. But that doesn't define who she is. That's just the first layer of the Beckett onion. Multiply by 600 layers and 6 years of being friends and you may have scratched the surface of the Beckett Onion.
I have the Teresa Onion. That no one has really bothered to try and peel in the last 4 or 5 years. I have 2 people who know everything about me... And yet they don't know me. They claim to. And I call them my best friends. But they have only scratched the surface. Mostly that's my fault. A lifetime of pretending you're someone else, because that's the only option you had, makes it rather difficult for you yourself know who you are. I have yet to peel the entire Teresa onion. But I'm farther than any one else. I'll put something out there... A layer.
I actually much prefer being quiet and to myself. Recently discovered over the summer. I'm an introvert. I grew up an introvert. But because I was forced to be an extrovert in high school, that's what has been expected of me. For that, I now get crap for being loud. And I'm finally standing up to that. I'm not going to take crap for being someone I'm not... Someone I don't even want to be. That's so silly and not worth the tears. It has been my defense and what I have hidden behind. But now that I realize that I'm not being taken seriously and I'm seriously annoying, I think it's time to get away from the "better option" of hiding behind my loud voice and finally be myself. It's time to let other people be heard and for me to finally be able to be myself.
So the onion isn't peeled, but this year in the internship, that's my goal: answering the question, "who am I?" and not pretending like I already know. It's time to let some layers peel off for good, no matter the amount tears that are shed (did you catch that pun?!) this will be a slow process but I am SO ready.
It's time to break my heart into God's hands so He can put me back together, just as He wants me to be. Starting with by voice. Layer number one, coming off.
Katherine Beckett is a VERY complicated woman. You think she is an NYPD detective... Defeating the murderers of New York and kicking the crap out of crime. And she is. But that doesn't define who she is. That's just the first layer of the Beckett onion. Multiply by 600 layers and 6 years of being friends and you may have scratched the surface of the Beckett Onion.
I have the Teresa Onion. That no one has really bothered to try and peel in the last 4 or 5 years. I have 2 people who know everything about me... And yet they don't know me. They claim to. And I call them my best friends. But they have only scratched the surface. Mostly that's my fault. A lifetime of pretending you're someone else, because that's the only option you had, makes it rather difficult for you yourself know who you are. I have yet to peel the entire Teresa onion. But I'm farther than any one else. I'll put something out there... A layer.
I actually much prefer being quiet and to myself. Recently discovered over the summer. I'm an introvert. I grew up an introvert. But because I was forced to be an extrovert in high school, that's what has been expected of me. For that, I now get crap for being loud. And I'm finally standing up to that. I'm not going to take crap for being someone I'm not... Someone I don't even want to be. That's so silly and not worth the tears. It has been my defense and what I have hidden behind. But now that I realize that I'm not being taken seriously and I'm seriously annoying, I think it's time to get away from the "better option" of hiding behind my loud voice and finally be myself. It's time to let other people be heard and for me to finally be able to be myself.
So the onion isn't peeled, but this year in the internship, that's my goal: answering the question, "who am I?" and not pretending like I already know. It's time to let some layers peel off for good, no matter the amount tears that are shed (did you catch that pun?!) this will be a slow process but I am SO ready.
It's time to break my heart into God's hands so He can put me back together, just as He wants me to be. Starting with by voice. Layer number one, coming off.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Disconnect
Lately I have felt somewhat disconnected. From people. From God.
Sure. We can text. Have a silly conversation. Morning devotions. Prayer time. Doesn't mean anything if there is no connection. I can't seem to like people. Talking seems tedious and ineffective. No good is coming from it. I pray, half the time in tears, and nothing. Silence. Okay, so I can handle silence. For a while. But it's more like, what I am praying doesn't even get to God. Like there's nothing. And I don't know how to fix that. I read my Bible every morning. We have morning devotions in the internship. I help with uturn. I go to church. And it feels like, during worship, with my hands raised and voice high.... Nothing. I hear nothing. I feel nothing. Where's God? I know it isn't Him, it's me. But I'm TRYING. Practically begging. Forgiveness. No more silence. Help me. what did I do wrong? But again, I don't even think it gets to God. I feel so alone all the time... Even in a room full of people. I want to hide and I'm an extrovert. Being alone all the time is my new favorite thing. And yet, I want people. But I can't CONNECT with anyone.... Not even God. I don't understand.
Sure. We can text. Have a silly conversation. Morning devotions. Prayer time. Doesn't mean anything if there is no connection. I can't seem to like people. Talking seems tedious and ineffective. No good is coming from it. I pray, half the time in tears, and nothing. Silence. Okay, so I can handle silence. For a while. But it's more like, what I am praying doesn't even get to God. Like there's nothing. And I don't know how to fix that. I read my Bible every morning. We have morning devotions in the internship. I help with uturn. I go to church. And it feels like, during worship, with my hands raised and voice high.... Nothing. I hear nothing. I feel nothing. Where's God? I know it isn't Him, it's me. But I'm TRYING. Practically begging. Forgiveness. No more silence. Help me. what did I do wrong? But again, I don't even think it gets to God. I feel so alone all the time... Even in a room full of people. I want to hide and I'm an extrovert. Being alone all the time is my new favorite thing. And yet, I want people. But I can't CONNECT with anyone.... Not even God. I don't understand.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Role Reversal
You know, I NEVER thought in my life that my family would play a part in my life. Period. End of story. Not possible. But again, God likes to show off ;)
My friends have been crucial in my life. My rocks, my leaders, my almost family. They lead me on a straight path to Jesus. Loving me. Arguing. Fighting for me. Laughing with me. They provided homes, food, shelter, love. God took where I was and threw me into the loving arms of my friends. We were almost a family. The one thing we lacked was an entire lifetime of knowing each other. The knowledge of just exactly what gets to me, good or bad. The stories as to why I hate guns, or why Christmas is my least favorite holiday, or the fact that my family thought I was quiet until I was 20 years old. However, they were who I had when I didn't have my family. And now it seems the roles have switched. Yes, I have my friends. But I don't have many to confide in... I'd say I have one who I am comfortable talking to and the rest don't seem to care or have moved away. And I am thankful that I still have my mentors who I can talk to about God and ask questions. I realized last week that I don't have much on the "friend" basis besides laughter. And in no way is that discrediting my group of friends, but I feel so much surface level conversation that it bothers me. I know I'm no longer included in most "real" conversations and most people don't want me in them considering the summer I have had. I got that. It hurts but I can't change that. I've had some issues this summer and I have had some break throughs. My friends don't know that, and for a change my family does. My little sister and I hang out almost every day. My neighbors (who call me their daughter and sister) have been there for me through everything and I talk with them. I miss my Dad more than ANYTHING in the world right now. And I wish my sister was here. I still fight with one of my sisters (had to have something normal in there) and I talk on the phone or text with my mom at least once a week. And I'm crying just thinking about what God has done with this just in the last year. All I had were my friends a year ago. And I literally was starved, exiled, then kicked out of my Dad's house by a family who couldn't stand me. I went through a lot of hurt and a HUGE amount of healing...a nd now they're calling me to ask to hang out or if they need help. And my response is only crying. They're who I went to in my break up. They're who I went to after Mexico. They're who I called as soon as I got back from Kids Camp. All I can say is God gave me a miracle. I may still be struggling but I have my family and I have never been able to say that.
My friends have been crucial in my life. My rocks, my leaders, my almost family. They lead me on a straight path to Jesus. Loving me. Arguing. Fighting for me. Laughing with me. They provided homes, food, shelter, love. God took where I was and threw me into the loving arms of my friends. We were almost a family. The one thing we lacked was an entire lifetime of knowing each other. The knowledge of just exactly what gets to me, good or bad. The stories as to why I hate guns, or why Christmas is my least favorite holiday, or the fact that my family thought I was quiet until I was 20 years old. However, they were who I had when I didn't have my family. And now it seems the roles have switched. Yes, I have my friends. But I don't have many to confide in... I'd say I have one who I am comfortable talking to and the rest don't seem to care or have moved away. And I am thankful that I still have my mentors who I can talk to about God and ask questions. I realized last week that I don't have much on the "friend" basis besides laughter. And in no way is that discrediting my group of friends, but I feel so much surface level conversation that it bothers me. I know I'm no longer included in most "real" conversations and most people don't want me in them considering the summer I have had. I got that. It hurts but I can't change that. I've had some issues this summer and I have had some break throughs. My friends don't know that, and for a change my family does. My little sister and I hang out almost every day. My neighbors (who call me their daughter and sister) have been there for me through everything and I talk with them. I miss my Dad more than ANYTHING in the world right now. And I wish my sister was here. I still fight with one of my sisters (had to have something normal in there) and I talk on the phone or text with my mom at least once a week. And I'm crying just thinking about what God has done with this just in the last year. All I had were my friends a year ago. And I literally was starved, exiled, then kicked out of my Dad's house by a family who couldn't stand me. I went through a lot of hurt and a HUGE amount of healing...a nd now they're calling me to ask to hang out or if they need help. And my response is only crying. They're who I went to in my break up. They're who I went to after Mexico. They're who I called as soon as I got back from Kids Camp. All I can say is God gave me a miracle. I may still be struggling but I have my family and I have never been able to say that.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Year Two
Well, here comes year two. Curfew kicks in tomorrow and work starts Tuesday. It's been an absolutely insane summer. I moved, spent 2 days relaxing and organizing and started watching kids right away. Since then I have babysat Monday-Thursday, more than a few Fridays and a few Saturday nights. I also went to Mexico and Kids Camp in July. Two very exhausting experiences but so rewarding. My summer has been non stop... Late nights, a dance recital, and hey, I welcomed my niece into the world with my entire family, Mom included. Absolute insanity.
And now I'm starting classes tomorrow and I'm already tired thinking about it. I can't wait for next semester when I am only taking on half a load because I'm almost done with the institute :). This summer was more exhausting than ELN and I'm looking forward to a much better set schedule. More sleep (never thought i'd say that) and more work getting done. I'm in the children's department for the next year and I cannot WAIT to learn from Maryann.... Though I may mysteriously get sick during the Kids Karnival in October... Totally logical when your job description is "Everything!!!!!!" Cameron and I will have our work cut out for us. I have also requested more speaking opportunities.... Yes, I said MORE. I may freak out before and turn beat red as I speak but it is SO rewarding and I am not missing out on ANYTHING this year. I'm ready (I hope) for whatever God has for me. Rachel asked if I was ready to preach at Trinity campus.... Maybe next semester ;)
Here we go...
And now I'm starting classes tomorrow and I'm already tired thinking about it. I can't wait for next semester when I am only taking on half a load because I'm almost done with the institute :). This summer was more exhausting than ELN and I'm looking forward to a much better set schedule. More sleep (never thought i'd say that) and more work getting done. I'm in the children's department for the next year and I cannot WAIT to learn from Maryann.... Though I may mysteriously get sick during the Kids Karnival in October... Totally logical when your job description is "Everything!!!!!!" Cameron and I will have our work cut out for us. I have also requested more speaking opportunities.... Yes, I said MORE. I may freak out before and turn beat red as I speak but it is SO rewarding and I am not missing out on ANYTHING this year. I'm ready (I hope) for whatever God has for me. Rachel asked if I was ready to preach at Trinity campus.... Maybe next semester ;)
Here we go...
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Mexico Days 3-4
Day 3:
I'm sick. Figures. I had a headache the night before and when I woke up I almost threw up from pain. At one point I fell over. Lovely. I pressed on. I was NOT missing out on this.
Day one of VBS: a short day because of our church's feeding program. It was short, simple. Fun. So many laughs and cute kids. We weren't at the church but that didn't mean anything to these kids. God was evident.
That night our Pastoras Angelica and Nickolas spoke. Testimonies and love. They've both been through a lot. But Angelica's story brought half the team to tears. She hated her mom. She told her she wished she was dead. Told her that if God were real then her mom would be dead the next day.
She wasn't.
It took YEARS for her to forgive her mom. Torture. But God did. Before she started talking about forgiveness I felt it. A ping.
tell mom you love her
I wrote it down. At the end of her speaking there was an opportunity. Matt prayed and asked who needed to forgive their parents. A few raised there hands. I did. At this point I was shaking terribly and bawling uncontrollably. I wasn't ashamed. It's funny. In weakness, you don't care any more. I just wanted to let it go. Prayer is powerful. I had this WEIGHT lifted off my shoulders... Off my body. I wanted my Mommy.
Day 4:
Joshua 1:9
The theme for today.
Church services.
Worship was amazing. Two languages singing the same song, praising the same God? There's nothing like it.
I shared Romans 12: 21with the congregation.
Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. (NKJV)
And then our group (Except Heidi and Mark because they preached) went and taught Sunday school. It was so much fun and the beginning of the bonding experience we were going to have that week!!
That night? More tears. When your pastor starts crying.... When the room is in tears... Yeah it was bound to happen. Theme? Let it Go
Shelby, who had no idea about my family, began praying with me. I started to calm down but then she said "don't worry about your family. They'll be okay." and back to sobbing. I let it go.
PRAISE GOD!
I'm sick. Figures. I had a headache the night before and when I woke up I almost threw up from pain. At one point I fell over. Lovely. I pressed on. I was NOT missing out on this.
Day one of VBS: a short day because of our church's feeding program. It was short, simple. Fun. So many laughs and cute kids. We weren't at the church but that didn't mean anything to these kids. God was evident.
That night our Pastoras Angelica and Nickolas spoke. Testimonies and love. They've both been through a lot. But Angelica's story brought half the team to tears. She hated her mom. She told her she wished she was dead. Told her that if God were real then her mom would be dead the next day.
She wasn't.
It took YEARS for her to forgive her mom. Torture. But God did. Before she started talking about forgiveness I felt it. A ping.
tell mom you love her
I wrote it down. At the end of her speaking there was an opportunity. Matt prayed and asked who needed to forgive their parents. A few raised there hands. I did. At this point I was shaking terribly and bawling uncontrollably. I wasn't ashamed. It's funny. In weakness, you don't care any more. I just wanted to let it go. Prayer is powerful. I had this WEIGHT lifted off my shoulders... Off my body. I wanted my Mommy.
Day 4:
Joshua 1:9
The theme for today.
Church services.
Worship was amazing. Two languages singing the same song, praising the same God? There's nothing like it.
I shared Romans 12: 21with the congregation.
Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. (NKJV)
And then our group (Except Heidi and Mark because they preached) went and taught Sunday school. It was so much fun and the beginning of the bonding experience we were going to have that week!!
That night? More tears. When your pastor starts crying.... When the room is in tears... Yeah it was bound to happen. Theme? Let it Go
Shelby, who had no idea about my family, began praying with me. I started to calm down but then she said "don't worry about your family. They'll be okay." and back to sobbing. I let it go.
PRAISE GOD!
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Mexico
Todo lo puedo en Cristo, que me fortalece. Filipenses 4:13
This is going to be quite lengthy so I have decided to break it down to a few days at a time.
So... Mexico. Can I say, Praise God? Seriously. My life has been changed in so many ways. I've been released from things and have realized so much.
Day 1 (in Mexico [not the day and a half of travel])
We crossed the border and drive the 2 hours to Ensenada. When we made it into Mexico, I was beyond terrified because of all the "warnings" I had been given. Driving through Mexico my fears began to subside... God was showing me that there is more to this country than bad or scary things. After arriving at the BEAUTIFUL home we were staying in, we headed out for my first real Mexico experience... Tacos!! Let me just say... To. Die. For. Nothing in the US will ever compete with that goodness. I made the mistake of starting with a torta which was even more amazing. After indulging in amazing food we went back to our host home and received a brief missions introduction.
Day 2:
Devotions started at 7 every morning and we split into personal Devo time at 7:30 until breakfast at 8. I would have to say that these times were one of my favorite parts of the trip. Today Cameron lead devotions by reading from James 1 and encouraging joy and telling us to be flexible in what we may be asked to do.
This day was a difficult day because we had a full day of training.
We split into our two groups:
Heidi: Angie, Cameron, Ryan, Carlos, Danielle, Mark, Marianna, Amandha, Shelby, and myself.
Matt: Jamee, Carina, Elania, Michael, Crystal, River, Terri, Brenna, and Alicia.
We were split and heading to two different churches throughout the week so we needed to plan our 4 days of VBS and think of Sunday service ideas. That took until dinner... We started from scratch!! Dramas. Memory verses. Crafts. Games. Intros. Clowns. Etc.
By the end of this day, honestly, I would have to say that I hated the trip. I was going crazy from people talking nonstop and working on the "easy" stuff instead of going out and doing something.
Patience
This wasn't about what I wanted.
I was beginning to understand that.
That night we had worship an Matt asked if they heard anything.
I had. In a way.
"Lead Me To The Cross"
Yeah. This song has always had a really deep meaning for me. Sentimental. This time, however, it meant something different.
This trip is about God. Not about me. Not about my hair or how my face is reacting to the water. Not what I want. There's a line in the song,
"bring me to my knees, Lord I lay me down."
Exactly
This is going to be quite lengthy so I have decided to break it down to a few days at a time.
So... Mexico. Can I say, Praise God? Seriously. My life has been changed in so many ways. I've been released from things and have realized so much.
Day 1 (in Mexico [not the day and a half of travel])
We crossed the border and drive the 2 hours to Ensenada. When we made it into Mexico, I was beyond terrified because of all the "warnings" I had been given. Driving through Mexico my fears began to subside... God was showing me that there is more to this country than bad or scary things. After arriving at the BEAUTIFUL home we were staying in, we headed out for my first real Mexico experience... Tacos!! Let me just say... To. Die. For. Nothing in the US will ever compete with that goodness. I made the mistake of starting with a torta which was even more amazing. After indulging in amazing food we went back to our host home and received a brief missions introduction.
Day 2:
Devotions started at 7 every morning and we split into personal Devo time at 7:30 until breakfast at 8. I would have to say that these times were one of my favorite parts of the trip. Today Cameron lead devotions by reading from James 1 and encouraging joy and telling us to be flexible in what we may be asked to do.
This day was a difficult day because we had a full day of training.
We split into our two groups:
Heidi: Angie, Cameron, Ryan, Carlos, Danielle, Mark, Marianna, Amandha, Shelby, and myself.
Matt: Jamee, Carina, Elania, Michael, Crystal, River, Terri, Brenna, and Alicia.
We were split and heading to two different churches throughout the week so we needed to plan our 4 days of VBS and think of Sunday service ideas. That took until dinner... We started from scratch!! Dramas. Memory verses. Crafts. Games. Intros. Clowns. Etc.
By the end of this day, honestly, I would have to say that I hated the trip. I was going crazy from people talking nonstop and working on the "easy" stuff instead of going out and doing something.
Patience
This wasn't about what I wanted.
I was beginning to understand that.
That night we had worship an Matt asked if they heard anything.
I had. In a way.
"Lead Me To The Cross"
Yeah. This song has always had a really deep meaning for me. Sentimental. This time, however, it meant something different.
This trip is about God. Not about me. Not about my hair or how my face is reacting to the water. Not what I want. There's a line in the song,
"bring me to my knees, Lord I lay me down."
Exactly
Thursday, June 28, 2012
My first "How to..." blog!
Yeah, I never "how to" anything... considering I'm not the greatest instructor and I have yet to find time to get creative! Tonight I am babysitting and was given permission to dig for what I could find ;)
Tonight's how to? S'mores in the oven... With mini marshmallows and chocolate chips... a little modification but oh well!! I made this up myself... so if you are slightly hesitant with my results, I don't recommend making it :)
Step One:
Put the children to bed :)
Step two: Preheat oven to 375... a generally used heat, so that's what I did
Step 3: ingredients!
I used:
• 2 whole pieces of graham cracker (holds the mini's on better)
• Enough foil to wrap around finished product
• as many mini marshmallows and chocolate chips that I could make fit!
Step 4: put ingredients together
1 graham cracker on the bottom
Marshmallows and chocolate chips
1 graham cracker on top
I put the 'mallows on first and lined them up (OCD and they stay on better.) I tried to just throw them all on... yeah not going to work. Then I pile chocolate chips on top.
If you find you're having difficulty keeping the treats inside, I folded the foil to make a few walls like this:
Once you are satisfied with the middle, place the second graham cracker on top and wrap the treat like a present in the foil.
Step 5: place in oven.
Step 6: patience! It took longer than I thought (actually I have been typing this whole thing on my phone since I put them in...) I looked up online recipes for the simple treat to get time estimates. Didn't help. Most said 6-8 minutes at 350 degrees. So far I am on 11 minutes and I have checked it twice. The marshmallows are melted but the chocolate chips still need some time.
Read while you wait :)
Final time: 15 minutes
Step 7: remove from oven
Step 8: enjoy!! Be careful... it's hot!!
Soooo I over cooked the marshmallows a little (but not burnt!) The graham crackers broke.... And the chocolate chips don't LOOK melted, but they melted as soon as I took a bite! It was delicious! And yes, I made a super long step by step about a really simple dessert but it was fun! And I feel like Lindsay :)
Oh, and thanks Bray family for the kitchen use, ingredients, and cute kid!
Tonight's how to? S'mores in the oven... With mini marshmallows and chocolate chips... a little modification but oh well!! I made this up myself... so if you are slightly hesitant with my results, I don't recommend making it :)
Step One:Put the children to bed :)
Step two: Preheat oven to 375... a generally used heat, so that's what I did
I used:
• 2 whole pieces of graham cracker (holds the mini's on better)
• Enough foil to wrap around finished product
• as many mini marshmallows and chocolate chips that I could make fit!
Step 4: put ingredients together1 graham cracker on the bottom
Marshmallows and chocolate chips
1 graham cracker on top
I put the 'mallows on first and lined them up (OCD and they stay on better.) I tried to just throw them all on... yeah not going to work. Then I pile chocolate chips on top.
If you find you're having difficulty keeping the treats inside, I folded the foil to make a few walls like this:
Once you are satisfied with the middle, place the second graham cracker on top and wrap the treat like a present in the foil.
Step 5: place in oven.
Step 6: patience! It took longer than I thought (actually I have been typing this whole thing on my phone since I put them in...) I looked up online recipes for the simple treat to get time estimates. Didn't help. Most said 6-8 minutes at 350 degrees. So far I am on 11 minutes and I have checked it twice. The marshmallows are melted but the chocolate chips still need some time.
Read while you wait :)
Final time: 15 minutes
Step 7: remove from oven
Step 8: enjoy!! Be careful... it's hot!!
Soooo I over cooked the marshmallows a little (but not burnt!) The graham crackers broke.... And the chocolate chips don't LOOK melted, but they melted as soon as I took a bite! It was delicious! And yes, I made a super long step by step about a really simple dessert but it was fun! And I feel like Lindsay :)
Oh, and thanks Bray family for the kitchen use, ingredients, and cute kid!
Saturday, June 23, 2012
To Be Different
"I saw the second you walked away, the second you turned away."
This was said to me yesterday. And I thought to myself "are you nuts?" But then I realized... Maybe I have walked away. No more rules, goodbye structure? Yeah, okay. So maybe I did. Have I changed that much?? Am I so far from truth that people can see? I don't feel different, nor do I feel like I'm doing wrong. But I guess I'm bias. I wish people would consider telling me these things when they notice and then maybe it wouldn't be so difficult to get "back on track"... Not that I feel like I'm "off track," but I know for certain that I am always in need of improvement... Everyone is. But am I "off a cliff"? I'm not sure. I'm not sure how I got to this point of "walking away" but I'd like to come back...
This was said to me yesterday. And I thought to myself "are you nuts?" But then I realized... Maybe I have walked away. No more rules, goodbye structure? Yeah, okay. So maybe I did. Have I changed that much?? Am I so far from truth that people can see? I don't feel different, nor do I feel like I'm doing wrong. But I guess I'm bias. I wish people would consider telling me these things when they notice and then maybe it wouldn't be so difficult to get "back on track"... Not that I feel like I'm "off track," but I know for certain that I am always in need of improvement... Everyone is. But am I "off a cliff"? I'm not sure. I'm not sure how I got to this point of "walking away" but I'd like to come back...
Friday, June 22, 2012
The Right Thing
Sometimes I wonder what I am doing. I wonder why I don't follow my heart. I know the the right thing to do... and yet I know what others will say. I know whose hearts I will break. I know how awkward life could get. But I know it's the right thing. I don't know what to do or who to talk to. I can't do it today. Or tomorrow. Or ever, it seems like. I need to do the right thing. No one knows my thought process. No one is there to make me do it. I'm not a child. Just do it. But I can't. I'm talking in circles and I know that no one will understand. I know it won't go well. And this could ruin things. UGH. Stupid right thing.
Monday, June 18, 2012
"Holy Tao!"
Addie likes to say "Holy Tao" instead of cow.. And pretty much that's what I am saying. I have never had life be SO crazy as it has been this last month.
Let's see what I have done (in a somewhat chronological order)
• Moved. In love with my new home and LOVING the Schmidt family. Ari calls me "the big sister" at least once a day and Addie loves to hang in my room with me. I get tons of time with Misty and I like to to rib Steven a little :) so happy here.
• "New" job. I'm babysitting again! I've missed my kids!! They're all old and talking. Sassy. Smart. Singing. Dancing. Practically adults. With more poopy diapers and crying. I know it doesn't pay as well as another job but I wouldn't trade it. I have had Kate and Dylan Monday- Thursday and starting this week I will have Brooke and Emily again on Thursdays. So excited :)
• BABY. My baby sister had a baby.... Okay so she is almost 20, not a baby, but still. I am in love. Sophia Anne Evagene Repair. She took my middle name as well as my Hawaiian grandmother's first name (Evagene). I cried the day my sister told me. I call her So So. So. Phi Anne. Soph. Phia. Bopper Boo. Etc. she was born on June 1, 2012 at 9:11 pm. 6lbs 12oz. 20inches long. I help my sister 4-5 days a week and I love it! She's been to church with me twice since she was born (18 days ago) and I am so excited for her to grow up at Faith Center :)
• My Mother. Yeah she came for a visit. With her fiancée. Awkward. It wasn't as terrible as I thought, but emotionally it tore me apart. Pretty much spent the entire week with her (because the baby came when she did) and with my family. It helped build my relationships with my sisters, especially with my little sister, but there were definitely emotional consequences to this visit.
• Mexico. Okay, so I haven't gone yet, but I'm leaving in 16 days. 4th of July. I'm more afraid of this than anything I have ever done in my entire life. But it will be okay... I hope. I know I am supposed to go on this trip... God has made that quite clear, but it doesn't erase my fears. Prayer is requested before and during this trip. July 4-14!!
• Kids camp. Again, haven't gone. But I am for the first time ever. July 30- August 3. I'm excited but I again really would like prayer.
• Summer. I haven't had a lot of summer experiences besides last weekend at the lake but I know how crazy July will be. I'm working Monday-Friday this week 8-9ish hour days plus uturn, a hopefully very progressive orthodontist appointment, CPR recertification, Wednesday night family dinners, and this week spoiling the boy. Each week entails different after work activities... Most of the time with my sister. We've been growing closer and it's amazing! Not to mention that my oldest sister (Vivian's mom) is officially back at church with my other niece. Mini family at church. I cry thinking about it. I've spent a lot of time with my best friend Amy and her sister, Tia, just got to Hawaii after being in Africa for 6 months on a missions study. I can't wait to have my girl back next month!! I've missed having my practically other sister around. So much happening. New friend(s). Carina is kind of hysterical and it scares the crap out of Cameron (one of my best friends and brother of Carina) how well we get along. It's great.
• Year one. Done.
More about that later.
I'm heading to bed.
Here's my So So. Amy Strombeck photography :)
Let's see what I have done (in a somewhat chronological order)
• Moved. In love with my new home and LOVING the Schmidt family. Ari calls me "the big sister" at least once a day and Addie loves to hang in my room with me. I get tons of time with Misty and I like to to rib Steven a little :) so happy here.
• "New" job. I'm babysitting again! I've missed my kids!! They're all old and talking. Sassy. Smart. Singing. Dancing. Practically adults. With more poopy diapers and crying. I know it doesn't pay as well as another job but I wouldn't trade it. I have had Kate and Dylan Monday- Thursday and starting this week I will have Brooke and Emily again on Thursdays. So excited :)
• BABY. My baby sister had a baby.... Okay so she is almost 20, not a baby, but still. I am in love. Sophia Anne Evagene Repair. She took my middle name as well as my Hawaiian grandmother's first name (Evagene). I cried the day my sister told me. I call her So So. So. Phi Anne. Soph. Phia. Bopper Boo. Etc. she was born on June 1, 2012 at 9:11 pm. 6lbs 12oz. 20inches long. I help my sister 4-5 days a week and I love it! She's been to church with me twice since she was born (18 days ago) and I am so excited for her to grow up at Faith Center :)
• My Mother. Yeah she came for a visit. With her fiancée. Awkward. It wasn't as terrible as I thought, but emotionally it tore me apart. Pretty much spent the entire week with her (because the baby came when she did) and with my family. It helped build my relationships with my sisters, especially with my little sister, but there were definitely emotional consequences to this visit.
• Mexico. Okay, so I haven't gone yet, but I'm leaving in 16 days. 4th of July. I'm more afraid of this than anything I have ever done in my entire life. But it will be okay... I hope. I know I am supposed to go on this trip... God has made that quite clear, but it doesn't erase my fears. Prayer is requested before and during this trip. July 4-14!!
• Kids camp. Again, haven't gone. But I am for the first time ever. July 30- August 3. I'm excited but I again really would like prayer.
• Summer. I haven't had a lot of summer experiences besides last weekend at the lake but I know how crazy July will be. I'm working Monday-Friday this week 8-9ish hour days plus uturn, a hopefully very progressive orthodontist appointment, CPR recertification, Wednesday night family dinners, and this week spoiling the boy. Each week entails different after work activities... Most of the time with my sister. We've been growing closer and it's amazing! Not to mention that my oldest sister (Vivian's mom) is officially back at church with my other niece. Mini family at church. I cry thinking about it. I've spent a lot of time with my best friend Amy and her sister, Tia, just got to Hawaii after being in Africa for 6 months on a missions study. I can't wait to have my girl back next month!! I've missed having my practically other sister around. So much happening. New friend(s). Carina is kind of hysterical and it scares the crap out of Cameron (one of my best friends and brother of Carina) how well we get along. It's great.
• Year one. Done.
More about that later.
I'm heading to bed.
Here's my So So. Amy Strombeck photography :)
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Mothers Day
"Why didn't she want me?"
But I want you
God can speak to you without you even realizing it. A thought can pop in to your head that's not your own (usually what happens to me). A voice may sound. A scripture might speak to you. Someone may be Holy Spirit punched and talk to you (my own frequent occurrence). And the million other ways that God works... but really... He's speaking the same message.
I love you.
In any situation.... there will be triumph, there will be tribulation. But rejoice... because God loves you.
Here's my story...
My mother and I are not on speaking terms. I'd say we're estranged but she sends one or two random texts a month. She left 14 months ago... divorced my father for another man in Arizona who she is now engaged to. Mother's day is my least favorite day of the year. Clearly, you can see why. My heart is so hardened toward her. I had a time where forgiveness occured... I had let go, God took over for all my past hurts. Two weeks later I find out she got engaged... on facebook. She was mad that I didn't comment on her new relationship status. Whatever. I don't want to call her "mom" any more. She never was anyway. I refer to her as my mother. I just don't have the guts to call her by her first name to her face. I'd love to see the hurt I would cause by doing so, but I know that is the devil and not Christ.
So mothers day... not my day. I spent half the day crying. I hate that... I haven't cried in months... I'm happy. She just likes to spoil that happiness. As I am crying out in my car I ask "Why didn't she want me?" over and over again. And then a thought pops into my head But I want you. More tears. Happiness. Joy this time. Ugh. No more pity party for me.
I want you too, God.
But I want you
God can speak to you without you even realizing it. A thought can pop in to your head that's not your own (usually what happens to me). A voice may sound. A scripture might speak to you. Someone may be Holy Spirit punched and talk to you (my own frequent occurrence). And the million other ways that God works... but really... He's speaking the same message.
I love you.
In any situation.... there will be triumph, there will be tribulation. But rejoice... because God loves you.
Here's my story...
My mother and I are not on speaking terms. I'd say we're estranged but she sends one or two random texts a month. She left 14 months ago... divorced my father for another man in Arizona who she is now engaged to. Mother's day is my least favorite day of the year. Clearly, you can see why. My heart is so hardened toward her. I had a time where forgiveness occured... I had let go, God took over for all my past hurts. Two weeks later I find out she got engaged... on facebook. She was mad that I didn't comment on her new relationship status. Whatever. I don't want to call her "mom" any more. She never was anyway. I refer to her as my mother. I just don't have the guts to call her by her first name to her face. I'd love to see the hurt I would cause by doing so, but I know that is the devil and not Christ.
So mothers day... not my day. I spent half the day crying. I hate that... I haven't cried in months... I'm happy. She just likes to spoil that happiness. As I am crying out in my car I ask "Why didn't she want me?" over and over again. And then a thought pops into my head But I want you. More tears. Happiness. Joy this time. Ugh. No more pity party for me.
I want you too, God.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
A Word for today
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33
I recieved a new devotion for my birthday, come to find out that it is Tia Lynn's favorite. Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. This morning I lead devotions on peace; peace of mind, peace of spirit, letting go. And now I have to post what my new devotional book said this morning.
May 8
Do not long for the absence of problems in your life. that is an unrealistic goal, since in this world you will have trouble. You have an eternity of problem-free living reserved for you in heaven. Rejoice in that inheritance, which no one can take away from you, but do not seek your heaven on earth.
Begin each day anticipating problems, asking Me to equip you for whatever difficulities you will encounter. The best equipping in My living Presence, My hand that never lets go of yours. Discuss everything with Me. Take a lighthearted view of trouble, seeing it as a challengw that you and I together can handle. Remember that I am on your side, and I have overcome the world.
For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.
Isaiah 41:13
I can do all this through him who gives me strength.
Philippians 4:13
One thing Remains.
John 16:33
I recieved a new devotion for my birthday, come to find out that it is Tia Lynn's favorite. Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. This morning I lead devotions on peace; peace of mind, peace of spirit, letting go. And now I have to post what my new devotional book said this morning.
May 8
Do not long for the absence of problems in your life. that is an unrealistic goal, since in this world you will have trouble. You have an eternity of problem-free living reserved for you in heaven. Rejoice in that inheritance, which no one can take away from you, but do not seek your heaven on earth.
Begin each day anticipating problems, asking Me to equip you for whatever difficulities you will encounter. The best equipping in My living Presence, My hand that never lets go of yours. Discuss everything with Me. Take a lighthearted view of trouble, seeing it as a challengw that you and I together can handle. Remember that I am on your side, and I have overcome the world.
For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.
Isaiah 41:13
I can do all this through him who gives me strength.
Philippians 4:13
One thing Remains.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Love, Plans, Prayer
Something that has been on my heart a lot lately is Love.
God's Love.
His Plans.
My life hasn't been very easy these days, but really, that's to be expected in this imperfect world. But I've finally come to terms with a lot of things and have figured out my life. God's plan.
I wouldn't say I have figured out the secret to life... just.... how to live in this world. Clearly God's ways are better than my ways. Always have been. I've accepted that. But, until the recent weeks, I wasn't really comfortable not knowing for myself what God has for me. I still don't fully know, but I have officially become comfortable not knowing. For me, this is a huge step. I am always in constant need of control or perfection... God has taken this burden and made it into something better. Trust. Faith. Love.
I was driving to drop off my resume and I told God.... "This is Yours. I'd love to have this job, I really would, but if this isn't what You have planned, okay. I may be upset, but I know that You have something better. Something better that I cannot comprehend. And if this is what You want, what You have planned, thank you for leading me this direction." I went in there thinking there wasn't going to be a job, but alas, there is one spot. And hey, I may not get this job, but what really matters to me is that I am letting God take this. I don't want the burden, I don't want the stress. Sure, when I call again today (boss was sick for 2 days) I will be nervous, but really, God has it. And if I don't get this job, I have a back up. I am comfortable with my summer.
But had I not let that go.... imagine how I'd be! I let myself stress for a while but that seriously messed with me. So I'm much better off.
What I got out of this experience is that God's plans... His Love.... it prevails over anything in this life. Yes, I have always known that... but I never accepted it for myself. And now I have.
I've always struggled with prayer. Sure I can pray now (!!) in big groups, small groups. But alone I am dreadful. In the car I look like the crazy person talking to themself. That's about the only place I feel like I have a realistic conversation with God. In devos, before bed, when I think about it, it is so heartless and a blanket prayer. In my car, or actually sometimes as I am getting ready to leave, my prayers just kind of flow. And it isn't the deep conversation I hope to have. I feel like I'm talking to my best friend, which is great, but is that wrong? I feel like I'm only partially there or something. But what I have gotten out of this is a few conversations that I have had with people. God told me to move. So I'm going. I'm excited, I'm ready. And tonight I am having a pretty serious conversation with someone... because God told me it was okay. But are all my prayers supposed to sound like this? I feel like they're surface level... different than when I pray out loud, or with the youth, or in our devotions. I don't really know how it's supposed to go...
God's Love.
His Plans.
My life hasn't been very easy these days, but really, that's to be expected in this imperfect world. But I've finally come to terms with a lot of things and have figured out my life. God's plan.
I wouldn't say I have figured out the secret to life... just.... how to live in this world. Clearly God's ways are better than my ways. Always have been. I've accepted that. But, until the recent weeks, I wasn't really comfortable not knowing for myself what God has for me. I still don't fully know, but I have officially become comfortable not knowing. For me, this is a huge step. I am always in constant need of control or perfection... God has taken this burden and made it into something better. Trust. Faith. Love.
I was driving to drop off my resume and I told God.... "This is Yours. I'd love to have this job, I really would, but if this isn't what You have planned, okay. I may be upset, but I know that You have something better. Something better that I cannot comprehend. And if this is what You want, what You have planned, thank you for leading me this direction." I went in there thinking there wasn't going to be a job, but alas, there is one spot. And hey, I may not get this job, but what really matters to me is that I am letting God take this. I don't want the burden, I don't want the stress. Sure, when I call again today (boss was sick for 2 days) I will be nervous, but really, God has it. And if I don't get this job, I have a back up. I am comfortable with my summer.
But had I not let that go.... imagine how I'd be! I let myself stress for a while but that seriously messed with me. So I'm much better off.
What I got out of this experience is that God's plans... His Love.... it prevails over anything in this life. Yes, I have always known that... but I never accepted it for myself. And now I have.
I've always struggled with prayer. Sure I can pray now (!!) in big groups, small groups. But alone I am dreadful. In the car I look like the crazy person talking to themself. That's about the only place I feel like I have a realistic conversation with God. In devos, before bed, when I think about it, it is so heartless and a blanket prayer. In my car, or actually sometimes as I am getting ready to leave, my prayers just kind of flow. And it isn't the deep conversation I hope to have. I feel like I'm talking to my best friend, which is great, but is that wrong? I feel like I'm only partially there or something. But what I have gotten out of this is a few conversations that I have had with people. God told me to move. So I'm going. I'm excited, I'm ready. And tonight I am having a pretty serious conversation with someone... because God told me it was okay. But are all my prayers supposed to sound like this? I feel like they're surface level... different than when I pray out loud, or with the youth, or in our devotions. I don't really know how it's supposed to go...
Sunday, April 29, 2012
I spoke
I wrote this on Friday night at a leadership retreat.
Today, I spoke.
Evangelism. The topic of discussion.
Six youth groups.
One story.
Mine.
How has evangelism played a part in my life?
To me, evangelism has played a vital roll in my saving. I was evangelized to. I was loved. I was prayed for. To me? That's evangelism. Spreading the love of Christ is evangelism. At 15 or 16 years old I walked in to uturn. My life? A mess. I was sick. Starving. In need of Love. In need of people. In need of God.
I walked in on that Tuesday night to see a blonde haired crazy girl up front praying for people. I was so beyond fixing, or so I thought. I walked right up to the tall blonde girl and told her my story. And she prayed with me. She still prays with me. She loved me from the moment she spoke to me, the moment she saw my face. And that prayer, that love... It changed my life. I've discovered that the most effective way to spread the Love of Christ is to love like Christ. We will never fully comprehend how much God loves us, but even a fraction of that love is life changing. This blonde haired girl, her name was Lindsay Collins (now Rasmussen)... She has seen me fly high and plummet straight in to the ground. But I know she still loves me. And I know for a fact that she prays for me. She is why I love like I do. She showed me God's love, and now that's all I want to do. Love. Pray. Tell my story.
Spreading God's love... That's what I call evangelism.
Today, I spoke.
Evangelism. The topic of discussion.
Six youth groups.
One story.
Mine.
How has evangelism played a part in my life?
To me, evangelism has played a vital roll in my saving. I was evangelized to. I was loved. I was prayed for. To me? That's evangelism. Spreading the love of Christ is evangelism. At 15 or 16 years old I walked in to uturn. My life? A mess. I was sick. Starving. In need of Love. In need of people. In need of God.
I walked in on that Tuesday night to see a blonde haired crazy girl up front praying for people. I was so beyond fixing, or so I thought. I walked right up to the tall blonde girl and told her my story. And she prayed with me. She still prays with me. She loved me from the moment she spoke to me, the moment she saw my face. And that prayer, that love... It changed my life. I've discovered that the most effective way to spread the Love of Christ is to love like Christ. We will never fully comprehend how much God loves us, but even a fraction of that love is life changing. This blonde haired girl, her name was Lindsay Collins (now Rasmussen)... She has seen me fly high and plummet straight in to the ground. But I know she still loves me. And I know for a fact that she prays for me. She is why I love like I do. She showed me God's love, and now that's all I want to do. Love. Pray. Tell my story.
Spreading God's love... That's what I call evangelism.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Music
Music has always been the thing that gets to my heart, it's my worship, and half the time it's my prayer. Music gets to me. As you'll see....
"Yahweh...Forever and Always the same."
Yahweh- Desperation Band
I've always loved Desperation Bad, but I don't think I have ever fully absorbed their music until I met and had a long conversation with Jared Anderson... A member of the band. He came to Faith Center with the Jared Anderson Band on a tour called "Hear Us From Heaven." We talked a lot about a church and what it takes to be a leader. Worship is for God. Not for your benefit. Worship is work if it is about you and not God. Focusing on God is what gives it the power... the truth. God will always be the same, always be here, always love. But if we don't expect that, if we don't expect God to be there, then we are putting Him in a box, making Him different, never the same. You're preventing Him from using His power, His Glory won't shine if you close Him in. Let Him out. Let Him change you. Let Him be the same.
"‘Cause I am a sinner, if its not one thing its another. Caught up in words, Tangled in lies. You are the Savior and you take brokenness aside and make it beautiful. Beautiful."
Brokenness Aside- All Sons & Daughters
God takes it all away. Sin. Pain. Life. He takes this broken world and fixes it. He loves. Cares. Cradles His weeping children! He makes all things work for the good of those who love Him. (Romans 8:28) Just let Him know... tell Him you need Him. Be broken, that's allowed, only if you let HIM fix you. Then it's beautiful
"And the Lord replied in soft spoken word, my child be not afraid. For I am your God and I care for you. I will always come to your aid."
Job- Huckleberry Flint
God will never leave you nor forsake you. (Deuteronomy 31:6) He will always come to your aid... Job, a faithful man of God, was tested beyond anything I have ever read in the Bible. The song Job tells his story... He lost his job, home, his family... but he never gave in. Even when his wife said to forget God... he rejected her! God comes first. Job recognized this, he trusted that God had plans for him... (Jeremiah 29:11) and what did he do? He praised God! In our Romans class right now, one of our midterm questions was this.... what is it a sign of when one rejoices in tribulation? Answer: maturity. Job was a very mature man, clearly. His reward? God blessed him for the rest of his life. If that isn't a sign of God's truth, then I don't know what to say. Why is it that we, I, can't always trust God in the hard times? Job did, and he had it much worse than I. This calls for growth.
"You walk with me through fire, and heal all my disease."
Healer- Kari Jobe
The next line of that song says "and I trust in You... I will trust in You." Sometimes... mostly when I listen to this song, or when I sit in silence for too long, I question myself... if God will walk with me through fire, why don't I trust in Him? I'm on the suck radar when it comes to trust. Maybe from past experience... however, not with God. Someone said something the other day about trusting God and it slipped out of my mouth saying, "Well He hasn't failed me yet..." And even though that's true... why did it take a mindless thought for that to come out? As soon as I said it out loud I thought to myself, (Thought I'm pretty sure it was God) What took you so long? Why couldn't I believe that on all the nights I've cried myself to sleep? Why didn't I believe that when I felt like things were falling apart? God walks with me through fire. Without His protection, I would have burned a long time ago.
"No one else will do. I will take hold of you. I need you Jesus, to come to my Rescue. Where else can I go? There's no other name by which I am saved. Capture me with grace. I will follow you."
Rescue- Jared Anderson
Just like I said above, I need to just go with it. Trust Him. Seriously. It's getting old, constantly tripping and slipping because I'm too stubborn and prideful to let Him rescue me.
"Saviour, He can move the mountains. My God is Mighty to Save.... Forever, Author of Salvation, He rose and concurred the grave, Jesus concurred the grave."
Mighty to Save- Hillsong United
Says it all.
"Yahweh...Forever and Always the same."
Yahweh- Desperation Band
I've always loved Desperation Bad, but I don't think I have ever fully absorbed their music until I met and had a long conversation with Jared Anderson... A member of the band. He came to Faith Center with the Jared Anderson Band on a tour called "Hear Us From Heaven." We talked a lot about a church and what it takes to be a leader. Worship is for God. Not for your benefit. Worship is work if it is about you and not God. Focusing on God is what gives it the power... the truth. God will always be the same, always be here, always love. But if we don't expect that, if we don't expect God to be there, then we are putting Him in a box, making Him different, never the same. You're preventing Him from using His power, His Glory won't shine if you close Him in. Let Him out. Let Him change you. Let Him be the same.
"‘Cause I am a sinner, if its not one thing its another. Caught up in words, Tangled in lies. You are the Savior and you take brokenness aside and make it beautiful. Beautiful."
Brokenness Aside- All Sons & Daughters
God takes it all away. Sin. Pain. Life. He takes this broken world and fixes it. He loves. Cares. Cradles His weeping children! He makes all things work for the good of those who love Him. (Romans 8:28) Just let Him know... tell Him you need Him. Be broken, that's allowed, only if you let HIM fix you. Then it's beautiful
"And the Lord replied in soft spoken word, my child be not afraid. For I am your God and I care for you. I will always come to your aid."
Job- Huckleberry Flint
God will never leave you nor forsake you. (Deuteronomy 31:6) He will always come to your aid... Job, a faithful man of God, was tested beyond anything I have ever read in the Bible. The song Job tells his story... He lost his job, home, his family... but he never gave in. Even when his wife said to forget God... he rejected her! God comes first. Job recognized this, he trusted that God had plans for him... (Jeremiah 29:11) and what did he do? He praised God! In our Romans class right now, one of our midterm questions was this.... what is it a sign of when one rejoices in tribulation? Answer: maturity. Job was a very mature man, clearly. His reward? God blessed him for the rest of his life. If that isn't a sign of God's truth, then I don't know what to say. Why is it that we, I, can't always trust God in the hard times? Job did, and he had it much worse than I. This calls for growth.
"You walk with me through fire, and heal all my disease."
Healer- Kari Jobe
The next line of that song says "and I trust in You... I will trust in You." Sometimes... mostly when I listen to this song, or when I sit in silence for too long, I question myself... if God will walk with me through fire, why don't I trust in Him? I'm on the suck radar when it comes to trust. Maybe from past experience... however, not with God. Someone said something the other day about trusting God and it slipped out of my mouth saying, "Well He hasn't failed me yet..." And even though that's true... why did it take a mindless thought for that to come out? As soon as I said it out loud I thought to myself, (Thought I'm pretty sure it was God) What took you so long? Why couldn't I believe that on all the nights I've cried myself to sleep? Why didn't I believe that when I felt like things were falling apart? God walks with me through fire. Without His protection, I would have burned a long time ago.
"No one else will do. I will take hold of you. I need you Jesus, to come to my Rescue. Where else can I go? There's no other name by which I am saved. Capture me with grace. I will follow you."
Rescue- Jared Anderson
Just like I said above, I need to just go with it. Trust Him. Seriously. It's getting old, constantly tripping and slipping because I'm too stubborn and prideful to let Him rescue me.
"Saviour, He can move the mountains. My God is Mighty to Save.... Forever, Author of Salvation, He rose and concurred the grave, Jesus concurred the grave."
Mighty to Save- Hillsong United
Says it all.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Mother
December 30, 2011
The last time I spoke to my mother. A text message.
I love you too.
A reply.
The last time I heard her voice?
May 6, 2011.
My 20th birthday. 27 seconds on the phone.
Regret? Yeah.
Sorrow, tears, pain? Hell yeah.
Pain rips through my heart whenever I get a text message. I can't change that.
I ignore the pull in my heart for amends because that hurts so much worse.
Today?
Happy Birthday, Mom :)
Because I can't stand to hurt her more than I already have.
A conversation starts. Small. Short. Terse.
She's coming.
She's coming here in a month.
And she's bringing him and their dog, like they're some big happy family.
Not my family.
He deserves none of my attention. No smiles. Don't touch me. I will NOT go to the wedding. You'll never be my step father. No relation to me. EVER.
And I don't have it in me to tell her I won't see her if she is with him.
I don't even have to GUTS to tell her I don't even want to see her. The face of betrayal. Abandonment. My mother who was never my mom.
I can't do this.
I wont.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Rollercoasters
"He is more focused on changing us than changing our circumstances."
I'm not the most sensitive person, nor have I claimed to be.
I'm dramatic, but that's how I percieve most situations.
I laugh.
I cry.
I fight.
I give up.
And hope prevails.
He Prevails.
I'm at a point in my life where I am constantly asking "what's next?" "where do I go from here?" What's my fate for this summer? What's my fate for next week? How will I pay for Mexico? Why is my best friend so far away? Why have you called me here when all I do is experience pain? I'm not supposed to give up because God can handle it. But what if I don't want to handle it?
What if I want God to just take it?
Just take this burden from me.
Take it away.
I cry.
Tomorrow I'll laugh.
The next day I'll beg for it to all be over.
Please.
Today? Today I pray that my life doesn't turn to misery. Hopelessness and fear cloud my every stressful thought. Where will I live? Where will I work? And as I write this I wonder how I will get to my orthodontist tomorrow because I don't have money or any gas left.
I can't breathe as I think of the hell I have been through with my mother. Five weeks and counting, I'll see the face I haven't seen in 14 months.The face of abandonment. The face of someone who was supposed to be my mother. The woman who left my father for another man. The woman I never knew. The woman I haven't talked to in a year. The woman who is going to marry another man. How do I let that go? My heart aches, I don't want to face her. I never want to see her again. But she's my mother. My... my MOM. I can't even call her mom, it hurts.
Don't even get me started on the subject of boys and my heart.
But then there is the other side. My niece coming in to the world in 8 weeks. My best friend coming home in 3. Reconcilliation in my family. Joy.
So it's a rollercoaster of emotion, a roller coaster of debate and fight. God or Bad. What will win? Will I go up only to plummet straight down? Will I just continue up straight to God? I don't know, though I wish He would tell me something. Anything. Comfort. Love. A freaking hug. Anything.
Anything.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Wendell Berry
The Mad Farmer Liberation Front
Love the quick profit, the annual raise,
vacation with pay. Want more
of everything ready-made. Be afraid
to know your neighbors and to die.
And you will have a window in your head.
Not even your future will be a mystery
any more. Your mind will be punched in a card
and shut away in a little drawer.
When they want you to buy something
they will call you. When they want you
to die for profit they will let you know.
So, friends, every day do something
that won't compute. Love the Lord.
Love the world. Work for nothing.
Take all that you have and be poor.
Love someone who does not deserve it.
Denounce the government and embrace
the flag. Hope to live in that free
republic for which it stands.
Give your approval to all you cannot
understand. Praise ignorance, for what man
has not encountered he has not destroyed.
Ask the questions that have no answers.
Invest in the millenium. Plant sequoias.
Say that your main crop is the forest
that you did not plant,
that you will not live to harvest.
Say that the leaves are harvested
when they have rotted into the mold.
Call that profit. Prophesy such returns.
Put your faith in the two inches of humus
that will build under the trees
every thousand years.
Listen to carrion - put your ear
close, and hear the faint chattering
of the songs that are to come.
Expect the end of the world. Laugh.
Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful
though you have considered all the facts.
So long as women do not go cheap
for power, please women more than men.
Ask yourself: Will this satisfy
a woman satisfied to bear a child?
Will this disturb the sleep
of a woman near to giving birth?
Go with your love to the fields.
Lie down in the shade. Rest your head
in her lap. Swear allegiance
to what is nighest your thoughts.
As soon as the generals and the politicos
can predict the motions of your mind,
lose it. Leave it as a sign
to mark the false trail, the way
you didn't go. Be like the fox
who makes more tracks than necessary,
some in the wrong direction.
Practice resurrection.
You do the math.
Love the quick profit, the annual raise,
vacation with pay. Want more
of everything ready-made. Be afraid
to know your neighbors and to die.
And you will have a window in your head.
Not even your future will be a mystery
any more. Your mind will be punched in a card
and shut away in a little drawer.
When they want you to buy something
they will call you. When they want you
to die for profit they will let you know.
So, friends, every day do something
that won't compute. Love the Lord.
Love the world. Work for nothing.
Take all that you have and be poor.
Love someone who does not deserve it.
Denounce the government and embrace
the flag. Hope to live in that free
republic for which it stands.
Give your approval to all you cannot
understand. Praise ignorance, for what man
has not encountered he has not destroyed.
Ask the questions that have no answers.
Invest in the millenium. Plant sequoias.
Say that your main crop is the forest
that you did not plant,
that you will not live to harvest.
Say that the leaves are harvested
when they have rotted into the mold.
Call that profit. Prophesy such returns.
Put your faith in the two inches of humus
that will build under the trees
every thousand years.
Listen to carrion - put your ear
close, and hear the faint chattering
of the songs that are to come.
Expect the end of the world. Laugh.
Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful
though you have considered all the facts.
So long as women do not go cheap
for power, please women more than men.
Ask yourself: Will this satisfy
a woman satisfied to bear a child?
Will this disturb the sleep
of a woman near to giving birth?
Go with your love to the fields.
Lie down in the shade. Rest your head
in her lap. Swear allegiance
to what is nighest your thoughts.
As soon as the generals and the politicos
can predict the motions of your mind,
lose it. Leave it as a sign
to mark the false trail, the way
you didn't go. Be like the fox
who makes more tracks than necessary,
some in the wrong direction.
Practice resurrection.
You do the math.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Hope
and your hope will not be cut off.
Proverbs 23:18
A light. A spark. Hope.
A smile. A hug. Joy.
Hope.
My family... Who I love but struggle to stand on solid ground with... The one who once seemingly rejected me. Whom I was practically estranged from... We've reconciled. We've apologized. Hugged. Loved.
Hope.
My sister, without invitation.... Is coming to church on Sunday.
Hope.
Praise God.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Silence
Jesus replied, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand." John 13:7
God's silence is deafening. It is a struggle when you have no clue what He wants of you.
What are you doing in my life? What do you want me me do? Silence
God, where are YOU? What do you want of me? Where do I go? What do I do? Silence
Am I like Job that you keep silent for pages on end? Until my life seems impossible? What have I done? Silence
All I hear. Silence
Hope begins to fade. What do I do? Silence
And then... I Will Not Hurt You
You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.. John 13:7
Sometimes... Sometimes God's Silence is Him telling you it will be okay. Trust Me.
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."
Joshua 1:9
The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deuteronomy 31:8
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Conviction
Alright, I've been convicted. Seriously, this week has been very difficult. Confrontations. Dreams that are prophesying about me (truth that I don't know how to interpret). Stress from my project for this weekend. My Mom. And now major convictions.
Doubt.
Fear.
Faithless.
Pride.
I am selfish. God tells me, but in love. I have this anxiety on my heart because I don't know what to do. I ask Him what to do, then I get angry. Because then I sit in silence for days to listen.
Nothing.
I hear nothing.
Why? Because it's about me. What am I going to do? I don't like this. I want this. I need that. Why are you doing this to me? So yeah, there's silence. I know He's waiting. But I'm not sure how to let go. How to give this summer away.
I'm not going to Seattle.
Zack isn't coming home.
I don't have a job.
Or money.
Or a home.
I literally have nothing.
Except God.
And sometimes I forget that.
Always I forget that.
And now I'm convicted.
But I don't know how to fix it.
Please don't leave me alone.
Please, talk to me.
HELP ME.
Doubt.
Fear.
Faithless.
Pride.
I am selfish. God tells me, but in love. I have this anxiety on my heart because I don't know what to do. I ask Him what to do, then I get angry. Because then I sit in silence for days to listen.
Nothing.
I hear nothing.
Why? Because it's about me. What am I going to do? I don't like this. I want this. I need that. Why are you doing this to me? So yeah, there's silence. I know He's waiting. But I'm not sure how to let go. How to give this summer away.
I'm not going to Seattle.
Zack isn't coming home.
I don't have a job.
Or money.
Or a home.
I literally have nothing.
Except God.
And sometimes I forget that.
Always I forget that.
And now I'm convicted.
But I don't know how to fix it.
Please don't leave me alone.
Please, talk to me.
HELP ME.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Selfless
When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.
Proverbs 11:2
Then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.
Philippians 2:2-4
Saturday, March 24, 2012
So, I'm toast. Burnt out. In need of sleep (which I haven't gotten much of since I was sick), and in need of some major R&R. I've worked non stop over the past 2-3 weeks. Ministry life. But I can't remember the last time I felt this over done. The one comfort I have though? Amidst all of this, I have grown. I see that. Minus the need to cry all the time... mainly from stress and exhaustion. The women's conference was today, bit too long ago actually. And I'm still at the church, just about to go work during Saturday night service. Next weekend is my Intern Project (missions weekend for the kids, shoe collecting, money collecting), with Easter the following weekend, with my last department switch (back to Next Gen, in time for the holiday) of my first ELN year. Crazy... a year already? Seriously. I can't believe how time flew, but I also hope summer comes fast. Not that I have much to look forward to, but I seriously need a break. Again, with all the crazy, I may be struggling to find joy, but I'm growing. Good I guess?
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
You'll come
"Chains be broken, eyes be healed, eyes be open, Christ is here."
You'll Come, Hillsong United
After a long conversation with Josh this morning, I'm comforted. My eyes are open. I've talked to two or thee people about this internship and I've not felt comforted by it. Maybe I'm stubborn. But in talking with Josh, (we were discussing a completely unrelated topic about a mutual friend) he made a lot of good points. I see now how maybe it could be okay. Alright, I know it will be okay, but sometimes I just need to cry about it, get it out. I'm such a girl. Anyway, we were talking about attitudes, positive and negative and what deserves attention, what doesn't. Clearly the negative one doesn't, and really, some thrive on the negative attention. I used to. But sometimes being over dramatic (which, yes, I can admit that sometimes I am... No comments please ;) ) is the same thing. So I've cried and complained and been over dramatic about something that I will have to get over. Crying only goes so far before you have to shut up and listen to God and stop complaining and pushing people away. Sometimes I just struggle to understand things like this. I'm slightly bipolar as well. I'll be super happy one moment and then bam I'm crying about this again. I need to stop. Seek comfort, Seek God. I read this verse this morning in my devos:
The LORD hears good people when they cry out to him, and he saves them from their troubles.
Psalm 34:17
Now I just need to stop doubting and cry out... to Him.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
"I guess we're all just one phone call from our knees."
Alright... I'm on my knees. That stupid phone call that changed my life, my plans, my summer. Now I'm stuck with finding a grunge job, moving somewhere again (with no idea where). So I'm crying again. All the time. And I hate it. I hate that I have to be stressed, and clueless, and have no where to go. I have that bleak summer of absolutely mindless work. Not living with my family who doesn't want me back anyway. My room has already been redone. I have no money for Mexico, or my passport. The money in my wallet is all I have and it isn't expanding. On top of that, God asked me to double my tithe last weekend. Oh yeah, God. Where is He in this? I have no idea. Sure. He's there. I know that well enough now, but where is He? Because I can't find Him. He's supposed to provide, isn't He? As I stumble in the dark abyss of blind walking, I can't find anything worth anything right now. Just as I begin to figure out who I am and what I want, I get the rug pulled out from under me... again. I had options, a whole summer of adventures... in Seattle. But do I get that now? No. I don't mean to sound like a spoiled child... but why is it that I can never get what I want? I mean, I want to work my entire summer for God in this amazing new place, a whole new experience. I wanted it so bad! And did I get it? No... someone else did. Because I'm not worth it? Because I wasn't good enough? I don't have a giant resume. If that's the reason then it's ridiculous. How am I supposed to gain experience if they won't let me try? I am just so sick of not being good enough for anyone or anything. I'm sick of rejection and I am tired of not knowing where the hell my life is going. Right now? I'm alone. I'm on my knees, but I'm alone.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Now What
I got that phone call today. The one that I've been praying for. Seattle. No Seattle. Like I said, I got the phone call. The one I dreaded. Rejection. And now I face the music... what the heck am I supposed to do with this... Rejection. Heartbroken. Lost and so confused. Why? I have absolutely no idea what to do.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Not of the World
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Romans 12:2
Romans 12:2
 |
| Me (as God wants me) Who the world expects me to be |
My entire life I've conformed to the world's expectations. I knew no different. I became the girl on the right in so many ways. Dressed in expensive clothes. Pulled a veil over my face. Pretended like everything was okay. Dressed a little risque and showed the world just how skinny I could be. I hid my imperfect teeth. I had to have perfect hair. My life was flawless. No emotion. I was an empty shell of a teenage girl, wishing I was someone else. It took me three months to turn in to the girl on the right and it has taken me five years to turn back to the girl on the left... the world destroying my perspective of truth and beauty. The verse that began this transformation? Romans 12:2 Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. The rest of the verse came later as I grew, but this changed my life. I remember the moment I heard it, from whom I heard it, where I was standing, and I have it underlined and highlighted in my Bible from the day I heard it. I reference this verse more times than I can count. I still struggle sometimes with the world's expectations. I still battle with myself about loving myself and my body. But in the end, I know what is most important.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
Psalm 139:14
The world has ingrained into my brain that I am imperfect. We are all imperfect in our own way, as humans. In Christ however, I am fearfully and wonderfully made. My teeth don't need to be perfect, my hair is beautiful as it is. My face? God's creation. My heart? The Holy Spirit resides. Nothing can stop Christ from loving me, NOTHING. Not evil, not the world, not myself, nothing. So I say this... do not conform to the world's expectations. Do not let them take over your mind, corroding it with all this crap and lies. Christ is truth. Christ is love. Nothing else matters. Don't be the girl on the right. Be the girl on the left. Be Yourself.
All I want
For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. Ephesians 2:10
We talked about being God's masterpieces this morning in our Devo's. In that topic we discussed the gifts we've been given and which ones we use to the best we can, as well as those we need to grow in. For me, I see a weakness in my gifts, that maybe I don't have any. Sure. I can talk. I can give advice. Pretty much it. I guess that's a gift. But I am in constant need of "chiseling" to become God's masterpiece. The last question we were asked brought me to tears... And as I type this I am trying not to cry. Who are some people you can lead to Christ with your gifts? My heart had been aching after my family. How can I bring them toward God when they don't want me? I have hit a barrier since moving out. Right now I'm not constantly getting yelled at or shunned for my faith, but instead I'm rejected. I don't get phone calls or hugs. Instead, silence. There is no happiness when I show up at my Dad's. Instead I fear the trip... What rejection will I receive today? Though I don't live there now, it hurts so much more. Rejection. When all I want is for them to know God. I break every time I realize how badly I have failed at showing Him. I'm supposed to be this light and all they see is darkness. How am I supposed to lead them to God when they refuse to talk to me? How am I supposed to lead them toward Christ when I have led them so far astray? I just don't know how I'm supposed to do this... With God all things are possible but I have been trying so desperately for FIVE years for them to understand. And now I have led them do far away that they want no association with me and I can't even say "Jesus" in the house. It hurts. My heart hurts.
We talked about being God's masterpieces this morning in our Devo's. In that topic we discussed the gifts we've been given and which ones we use to the best we can, as well as those we need to grow in. For me, I see a weakness in my gifts, that maybe I don't have any. Sure. I can talk. I can give advice. Pretty much it. I guess that's a gift. But I am in constant need of "chiseling" to become God's masterpiece. The last question we were asked brought me to tears... And as I type this I am trying not to cry. Who are some people you can lead to Christ with your gifts? My heart had been aching after my family. How can I bring them toward God when they don't want me? I have hit a barrier since moving out. Right now I'm not constantly getting yelled at or shunned for my faith, but instead I'm rejected. I don't get phone calls or hugs. Instead, silence. There is no happiness when I show up at my Dad's. Instead I fear the trip... What rejection will I receive today? Though I don't live there now, it hurts so much more. Rejection. When all I want is for them to know God. I break every time I realize how badly I have failed at showing Him. I'm supposed to be this light and all they see is darkness. How am I supposed to lead them to God when they refuse to talk to me? How am I supposed to lead them toward Christ when I have led them so far astray? I just don't know how I'm supposed to do this... With God all things are possible but I have been trying so desperately for FIVE years for them to understand. And now I have led them do far away that they want no association with me and I can't even say "Jesus" in the house. It hurts. My heart hurts.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
My Girls
I'm exhausted. That's pretty much all I wanted to say, but I guess that needs explanation...
After being knocked out for a week with sickness and then piling on my load this week, I feel like I'm going to get sick again. I worked 13 hours nonstop yesterday, either driving or as an intern, or as a babysitter.... or as all three. It was a difficult few days... Yesterday alone I drove for a total of 3.5 hours, 3 hours was with a 7 year old and a 5 year old. Any point that we got in the car, one of them was either yelling or having a meltdown. They're kids, so I have a little grace. The last hour driving was a struggle, but I survived. I had my girls, and that's what was important to me. They missed Mommy, and were terrified to see a crying baby or mommy in the hospital, and I had to be the mean one that kept them away. It broke my heart, but it was also rewarding. I got the bed time cuddles, prayers, and "i love you" mumbled as they fell asleep. And after all the work these last two days, that made it all worth it. I always tell them they are my number two favorite people in the world (my niece being number one, and not being able to pick between the two for 2nd and 3rd). I always say it isn't fair to pick favorites, but with them, it's allowed. They're like my little sisters, and as they grow up, I'll be there for whatever they need. I love special days and can take the fits. I know what they like and how to calm them down. It's work when weeks like this happen, but I know because of this, we're closer. I'd do anything for them, and now we've got another beautiful girl to add to the crazy bunch. I picture the day when Emilynn is older and big enough to ride in the front seat, and Brooklynn and Summerlynn (yeah working on a nickname for this beauty... though it seems to go with the pattern I've accumulated) are in the back seat, singing along to Taylor Swift and heading to Ultimate Yogurt or maybe an after church lunch date. For now, I'll stay in the present, with "Tuh Tuh" and praying that this nickname never fades. Adore Emilynn and I's special handshake, love Brooklynn's and I's special relationship, and watching the Summerlynn grow. I'll pray for patience and growth and guidance for these girls who I love like my sisters and consider to be. I'll enjoy these hard weeks and love when we have special days and eye rolls and silly pretend arguments... Sleeping in the backseat of my car or giggling hysterically for absolutely no reason. I'll remember the trust I've been given with them and cherish every moment I get with them. They're my girls and I love them, no matter what.
After being knocked out for a week with sickness and then piling on my load this week, I feel like I'm going to get sick again. I worked 13 hours nonstop yesterday, either driving or as an intern, or as a babysitter.... or as all three. It was a difficult few days... Yesterday alone I drove for a total of 3.5 hours, 3 hours was with a 7 year old and a 5 year old. Any point that we got in the car, one of them was either yelling or having a meltdown. They're kids, so I have a little grace. The last hour driving was a struggle, but I survived. I had my girls, and that's what was important to me. They missed Mommy, and were terrified to see a crying baby or mommy in the hospital, and I had to be the mean one that kept them away. It broke my heart, but it was also rewarding. I got the bed time cuddles, prayers, and "i love you" mumbled as they fell asleep. And after all the work these last two days, that made it all worth it. I always tell them they are my number two favorite people in the world (my niece being number one, and not being able to pick between the two for 2nd and 3rd). I always say it isn't fair to pick favorites, but with them, it's allowed. They're like my little sisters, and as they grow up, I'll be there for whatever they need. I love special days and can take the fits. I know what they like and how to calm them down. It's work when weeks like this happen, but I know because of this, we're closer. I'd do anything for them, and now we've got another beautiful girl to add to the crazy bunch. I picture the day when Emilynn is older and big enough to ride in the front seat, and Brooklynn and Summerlynn (yeah working on a nickname for this beauty... though it seems to go with the pattern I've accumulated) are in the back seat, singing along to Taylor Swift and heading to Ultimate Yogurt or maybe an after church lunch date. For now, I'll stay in the present, with "Tuh Tuh" and praying that this nickname never fades. Adore Emilynn and I's special handshake, love Brooklynn's and I's special relationship, and watching the Summerlynn grow. I'll pray for patience and growth and guidance for these girls who I love like my sisters and consider to be. I'll enjoy these hard weeks and love when we have special days and eye rolls and silly pretend arguments... Sleeping in the backseat of my car or giggling hysterically for absolutely no reason. I'll remember the trust I've been given with them and cherish every moment I get with them. They're my girls and I love them, no matter what.
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