Maybe Tomorrow

She wakes up late today without a smile on her face. Her dreams full of terror as her life is filled with chaos. Abandoned. Abused. Ashamed. She begins the day with feelings of regret and absolute loneliness. Throughout her long day, thoughts of suicide, hate for herself, and dread for the life ahead occupy her mind. Beaten and broken down, she admits defeat to the enemy once more. She cries as she sticks her fingers down he throat; her body undeserving of the minuscule lunch it has been given. She hides her face in shame of the past and pretends that everything is okay. After work, she makes the drive alone. The music is melancholy as she tried to escape the world. She drops everything when she unlocks the door to her run down apartment and heads to the bathroom. She stares at herself in the mirror with a look of absolute sorrow and hatred for her body. She spends the next 30 minutes trying to scrub the shame from her body. Unsuccessful, she shuts off the water and goes to her room. Climbing into bed, adorned in a ratty t-shirt and sweats, she begs for sleep. A night without nightmares of her past, of her shame that she can never escape... Of the man she can never escape. There will be no dinner tonight. And as she slowly begins to slip into the abyss of her dreams, she hopes that maybe tomorrow... Maybe tomorrow will be different.

Homeless

Homeless. The title comes with a stigma attached; a stereotype comes to everyone's mind. Roll the eyes. Call them lazy. Throw a dollar in their face. Classy.
Behind the scenes? A far cry from lazy. A long way from just pretending they are in need of money for drugs. They are people. People struggling to survive until morning. People who are forced to live out in the flooded boondocks because they aren't accepted somewhere else. Cold. Exposed. Today? A group of us ventured out to their camps to provide food, water, and a little prayer for the discouraged. We gave out fifty bags of food and a countless amount of ponchos for this insane storm. We were greeted with faces of relief, they won't go hungry today. Today they'll stay dry from the rain. The women? They get to add a little glamour to their outfits with a homemade bracelet or two.
I'm not one to jump in with a prayer or start up a conversation, so I just observe. These people have nothing. They have a tarp, maybe a cart that they've found somewhere, a home they've created by what they have found. They're kind. Their eyes telling me a sad story as I hand them a bag of food, grateful for the crackers and water inside. And here I am. Wearing $160 shoes. $120 jeans... Complaining. It's wet, dirty, and my arms hurt from carrying the bags; the bags of FOOD that we are giving to these hungry people. I'm stressed about my 30 minute commute with a family who cares about me, and here they are, no cars, no home, no family, cold, wet.
Selfish. That's all I can think about myself. God softens my terrified heart for these people whom I once feared. People I feared because of the stereotype. I have compassion. Show them My Love. And then I'm being nudged forward to lay a hand on a man as we pray. I pray silently. I reached out and touched his shoulder. A step.
This man? His name is Joey. He used to be homeless. He went out yesterday to relax and read a book. As he went to get up an leave, he couldn't walk. He quickly lost his balance and fell. He lands on his hip because his feet are completely numb and unstable. When we found him, he had crawled a quarter of a mile on rocks. He was forced to sleep outside in the storm with no cover because he couldn't get to a road or find people. He had been there since Thursday afternoon. We prayed for Joey and put him into one of our trucks to take him to the hospital. In the travel process, we discovered that he relapsed (yesterday) from 5 or 6 months of being clean and sober. As soon as he admits to having a beer people are telling him it's okay, no judgment, and offering to bring him to Celebrate Recovery. He feels the compassion; I can hear the change in his voice, the determination to find himself again.
I'm encouraged. God used this man, who has a completely different story than I do, to encourage me.
Find yourself. Stay strong. Do not worry. You are not alone. I've learned to be thankful for what I have. Not to stress about the little things. People have it so much worse than I do. Look for and discover the truth. Most important, do it all with God.

For I, the LORD your God, hold your right hand and say to you: Do not fear, I will help you.
Isaiah 41:13

Hold Fast

"Though war break out against me, even then I will be confident." Psalm 27:3b

Life. Never simple. Never easy. Just as one battle ends, another begins. Maybe you fight two at once. Maybe three. Either way, life is difficult. There is a constant struggle with those around you. A constant struggle with yourself. Media presents "the norm" and everyone around you begins to conform. Another battle has begun. Stay strong. God will never leave you nor forsake you. You fall victim to the world. Hold fast. Don't lose hope. Your family rejects your God, rejects you. You're alone, or so it seems. But wait. Listen. God is present. The whole world seems to stop as you keep spinning, losing control. But open your eyes, God has you, slowing you down, holding you steady as you begin walking off balance. Your blurred vision will clear as you see things as they are. See God as He is. He has you. He holds you. And He won't let you go

Love

There is a two year old who has stolen my broken heart. When I need a hug, she never fails to pound on my door yelling "Auntie! Open the door!" And of course I open the door. She goes straight for my iPod and asks for music and we dance away the troubles in this life. This precious little girl who means more than anything to me in this life besides my God. Today? She knocks on my door and tells me she hurt her knee. I kiss it and she welcomes herself into my room. Only it's different to her. The bed is bare, no blankets to jump on and mess up. Her hair supplies are buried in a giant pile of stuff in the corner of the room. No ponytails today. The music is melancholy and I'm putting the last of things into boxes. She sits on my bed and looks around confused. Then she see my face when I realize that this is our last hang out in my room. She says, "Auntie, No crying," and hugs me. I cry harder. Out of fear she dashes to the door claiming "I'll be right back!" like I think she'll never return. But she does. Two minutes later. Only she doesn't knock. I hear her steps and I know she is there. But she is silent. When I open the door, the sight I see BREAKS MY HEART. She is leaning on the wall next to my door. She's on the floor with her knees up, arms wrapped around her little legs and her head on her knees. She's sobbing quietly. I pick her up and place her in my lap. I ask what's wrong and she looks up at me with the saddest eyes I have ever seen. She croaks out "auntie" before desperately clinging to my neck. She knows. She doesn't understand, but she knows. I leave tomorrow and I'm not coming back. Sure. I'll visit. But we won't have dance parties in my room. Showers singing "Jesus Loves Me" (because that's the only place I can get away with it). No more naps with me or sharing ice cream while cuddling and watching Toy Story in our pjs. I don't live there any more. And all I can think about is abandoning the one person who can make everything okay. My little heartbreaker and giggling niece. My Boogs. All I can think is that she is crying because of me. Not because she gets that I am leaving. But she knows something is happening. Something she has deemed as bad. And it's my fault. I'm escaping and leaving her behind. And she cries FOR ME. She feels my pain of leaving her behind. And she still loves me. It breaks my heart that I could make her sad or hurt, but she doesn't care. she's sad. But she loves me. Unconditionally. Like a child. And never want to let her go. But when I stop hugging her. She looks at my face. She sees my sorrow. She hugs me again and whispers in my ear "I love you." I love her too.

Thirsty

I'm thirsty. Starving. Craving my God. This week I've noticed a change in myself. I'm sadder (more sad [for my English major mind]). I'm dwelling on the negative. I haven't been in my Bible but on Sundays. And this morning I felt God saying "Come Back To Me" in service. I had my Bible and I began in my favorite book. Romans. Chapter 12. Over half of this is already highlighted with reminders to love like Christ and to love always. I underlined a little more. Then I moved to Isaiah. Breathing in the words of Isaiah 54. Ingesting Isaiah 41. My heart swelled with pain as I read my Promise for 2012. "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10. I walked out I the doors of service alone. Feeling completely and dreadfully alone as everyone went off to lunch with their real families. I said aloud in my car, "I wonder if people know how much it hurts for me to feel like I am alone and how hard it is for me to leave alone." These are usually the days I skip lunch completely and hole myself in my room and cry. And I would have done that today but thankfully I had to drive three times longer than usual to go and house sit. I had a conversation with God after I made my "pity me" comment. I always say I feel alone and everyone abhors when I bring it up. But now I understand why. You see, this week? The week I've been so sad? One incident after another kept happening, nothing unusual. But I didn't hold my weapon. God? He is my weapon. And as the verse in Isaiah 41 says, He will not leave me. "Do not fear." So why was it so hard? Because I left HIM. All week He has been telling me to pick up my Bible. Do I? No. Not even when I'm crying my eyes out. I disregarded Him completely. I blame it on break (like an idiot). These last 2 weeks have been freeing and have chained me. I've been free to come and go. Do whatever I want. I was chained in a place where I wasn't welcomed and chained to the lies it came with. I didn't seek refuge. I took this break as a time to flee and escape from the world. I'd see a handful of friends. No one else. I escaped from work and did nothing. I salsa danced to forget it all. I made mistakes. I got rid of God. For
Two. Miserable. Weeks. He never left, but I refused to let Him in. I blamed Him for things (like an idiot), and when He resolved the problems that evil created, I left Him in the dirt. Not even a Thank You. Rude. And I broke His heart. As He had called me this week I've said, "in an hour," "tomorrow is better," "Sunday, I'll bring my Bible." Idiot. But He waited patiently. Until I was sleep deprived, full of anger, hurt, frustration, sorrow. He waited. And then He wrapped His arms around me and whispered Love into my ears. He pulled my heart straight into His Word. "For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you ." Isaiah 41:13

I am so sorry, God. Forgive me. Help me.

Goodbyes and Regrets

Yes, it's 1:30 in the morning (probably well after two once I post this) and yes, I have to be up in 6 hours to take care of Bella but my emotions are getting the best of me right now. So I'd rather write and cry it out now, then have tomorrow be a completely terrible day (Monday is going to be a very difficult day, so please please keep me in your prayers?).
Anyway. I just said goodbye to my Best Friend. Again. As well as Tia. Who is like a sister to me. Amy goes back to school tomorrow. And Tia goes to Africa at 5am on Tuesday... Until August. These girls mean the world to me and I'm exhausted from all of the goodbyes. It's even harder when I only see them a handful of times and then it's goodbye once more. And then here I am. HERE. You know, there are so many times where I wish I'd just gone away for treatment. Or gone to London. Or Seattle. Because look at where their lives are leading. I'm not discrediting the internship here at all. It has saved me. But I feel like I've limited myself. I've put myself in a bubble and I can't get out. So I'm stuck saying goodbye to two of the most important people in my life while they go and make something of themselves. They had the courage to go. To be honest, I'm not that brave. But I so wish I was. Trusting. But I hide. And I hate that. For once I'd like to be sad that I'm saying goodbye but excited for where I'm going. Here are two brave young women, fulfilling this crazy dream of mine that I'm too scared to do. And I have to stay behind. I hate when they leave. I miss them. I wish goodbyes never existed. I said goodbye to my mom, my grandparents, my aunt, uncle, three growing cousins, a best friend, and now two more. It's the worst feeling in the world when you get that you can't see them. All because I stayed behind. I regret staying behind but I see how God has made it work. And I have someone to lean on. She'll leave soon too. And where will I be? Here. As always.
I didn't want to post another entire post but the rest of what I have to say has nothing to do with the above. Though it is a regret. I touched on this subject a few days ago but today I got punched. I have someone in my life that controls my every move. They have no idea they do it and I just wish it could stop. They have this power and control over me and I can't rid of it. I tell myself confidently that it's done. I say it's over. And then they appear back in my life and I completely fall apart. They judge me to my face. They discredit my opinion. They make me HATE myself so much. And I let them. I regret that. It isn't like I try but it's like they have this iron clad grip on me and I'm chained up. I can't be myself. I'll be whipped. I can't speak without permission. I'll get pushed out of the group. I can't ask questions. I'll be looked down on like an idiot. All I know is that I cannot be a prisoner in this hell they have me trapped in. But I have no way to get out. "get away from them" you say? Not a possibility. Believe me. I tried.

January 2011

Yes, post number 4.  Then I have some time off.  I'll leave you all be :)

SO... I decided to, once a month, post about one year ago.  So for January, It's January 2011.  February, February 2011. etc. I'd like to see how things have changed.  And some of it will be brutally honest.  I used Facebook (the new timeline is so helpful!) to kind of figure out where my life was.

January 2011.

I spent new years on a couch house-sitting, alone.


"This year, I won't make a new years resolution. I'll take the old tradition a friend told me about and make a commitment. A commitment to build a stronger relationship with Christ. In order to do that, I commit to being healthy. This way, I can truly build a relationship with the Lord and lean on Him when I struggle."


My first status of 2011. Did I succeed? Not at first.  Definitely not.  I struggled quite a bit.  But I made it through by September.


So let's see.
January 3, 2011, I began my treatment plan on my teeth. I began my first semester as a North Coast Bible Institute student. I made it halfway through all 4 classes before I had to drop two of them.  My life, one year ago, this month, was just beginning to fall apart.  My mother had a friend (man, not my father) come and visit... and thus the divorce process began. I made a few mistakes when "coping" with this situation.  I'll be honest, I had a few too many glasses of wine one night, but the next day, I told myself that would not be how I handled my parents' situation.  Instead I surrounded myself with love and children.  Watching K and D every day was in full swing as my job.  I'd take Emilynn and Brooklyn out (sort of adopted sisters), special days with Em, with a few funny stories.  My favorite quote however, was then, 6 year old Emily. "Rebekah (mom) and Joe (dad) sitting in a tree K-I-S-T-V-E-C."  She never ceases to make me laugh.  My best friends were Amanda and Caleb, we went out every night for Denny's, Sunday after church to Adel's, movie nights (Step Brothers and big bowls of cookies and milk), Homemade Caleb French Toast, and Caleb would fall asleep EVERY where.  I wouldn't take those nights back, ever. I spent a lot of time at the Chocholak's discussing cute boys and watching The Office. I spent a lot of time with my other best friend, Amy (you can have more than one!) where we would have Grey's nights after class on Thursdays and OTH ( I watched all of OTH in a month) conversations with Sundaes.  I began going to the winery for Salsa dancing where I found some boys and learned to dance (more than I already did). I enjoyed my first Dani panini and really fun girl's night with all my favorite friends/mentors.  I was a teacher at Celebration Station for K-5 grade every Monday night.  And I enjoyed a 4 day trip to see my Lindsay Love with Amanda.  I fell in love with Lynnee on this trip :)  I spent every waking moment with the Messner's and Pastor Jack as well :) Details are specific yes, some probably unnecessary, but this was my January 2011.

January 2012

I spent New Years with my neighbor's dancing and playing Rock Band.

"Just found out that I came about an inch from losing a family member due to drinking and driving last night. Please don't drink and drive... the consequences aren't worth it."

My first status this year.  Tragedy for my 20 year old cousin who may get kicked out of the marines for this choice to drink and drive. 

Reflecting back I see so many changes.  My teeth, obviously. My hopeless family situation isn't so hopeless but is no where near okay.  I am moving in with a host family.  My friends are different, yes I am friends with Caleb and Amanda still, but right now Kelsey and Amy are who I spend the most time with and talk with.  Amy was in high school last year and is currently on break and home from school in Washington. A year ago, I was spending a lot of time with Brooke and Em, as well as Kate and D, but with the internship, that time is scarce.  And it sucks. But I see the good it is for me.  I've found hope in the despair and a family. Though this month has been a struggle, it has been nowhere near last year.  I've welcomed break with open arms. At the church, a few new staff have come to be.  Curt and Rachel, worship and my boss ;) as well as friends. Cam, Next Gen assistant and close friend.  And LeeAnn, front office secretary and my small group leader.  It's been a nice change at the church but i miss my kids!!

January 3, 2011 (look at profile pic for teeth now!)

K and D, 1 year ago this month

Emilynn, one year ago

Brooklyn, one year ago

Amanda, One year ago, first day of NCBI

Caleb sleeping at lunch (again)

Best Friend Date, AMy

Lynnee

Pastor Jack

I didn't really have an idea on how this post would be, it isn't how I figured.  I'll get better, I have 11 more! Until February...

2012

Third post in an hour.  Yeah, I have a little free time.  I might even have one more coming.
I just wanted to write out a few things that are happening for me in 2012, not that I know there is a lot but I have some life changing events coming up.

1. Host Family!!!  It's official, and I move in around a week and a half from now.  It's 30 minutes from Eureka and the first time I have ever moved out, so pray for me :) I won't be on my own, but I've never left "home" (same house for almost 21 years!)
2. The birth of my niece/nephew (don't know gender) and so far names are Julian Robert (after my daddy) or Hannah Evagene (after my grandmother)
3. Less than a week after that I will be moving up to Seattle for 2.5 months.  It isn't a sure thing of course, but I have been called there over and over again and it was confirmed a couple months back (yeah, months!) It is an internship in Seattle, WA at Eastside Foursquare Church. Matt and Heidi's old church.  I find out Mid-March (around the birth of miss Summer) whether or not I make it in. I'm still in prayer about this, but I have never been more sure (at least about applying and going [who knows if I make it in]) about anything before.
4. Family dinners.  This isn't new for me, having family dinners once a week with my neighbors, but as time has gone on they have become more and more important to my life. ( basically lived with them from age 12-16/17)  I stayed at their house Christmas eve and had Christmas with them that night, and I spent new years with them.  The parents call me their "almost daughter" and the kids (11, girl, 9, boy) are like my siblings.  My time with them is going to be very important this year.

Well... I thought I had more, but it seems I have forgotten.
I was thinking about maybe posting a blog each month about one year ago (one year ago, January, for this month) Yes? No?  Tell me what you think :)

A Resolution of Sorts

For every bad post, I guess there should be a good one :)

I've never been one to make a "new years resolution" of lose weight, read more, pray more often, etc. And I haven't quite done that this year.  However, I have some attitude adjusting to do and things to work on.  So I plan on working on these things.  I wrote it out so I will have it to see how the year went.

First I have a list of how I want to grow in character and such, and then I'll delve into an explanation.

1. Work on trust(ing people)

2. Eat Healthier (everyone says this)

3. Grow in Christ (as always)

4. Read my Bible more (work in progress)

5. Trust God (period.) 

6. Forgive

7. Love Always.

In this new year I'd like to change. Grow in Christ. Doubt Him less.  Love so much more. I cling to God's Love and His Word, desperate for His guidance and plans to be fulfilled. I'd like to become dependent on the Word instead of neglecting it, only turning to it when I feel I HAVE to.

Sometimes... Okay, all the time, I catch myself complaining to Kelsey.  Like every day.  And I know that wears on her, as well as myself.  A constant negative attitude isn't something I need.  I really want to work on it (and have been trying for a few months).  It's hard when there are things that keep happening that make it hard, but I have friends who tell me, in a kind and loving way (some, not so much, I ignore them) when I am annoying them, complaining too much, or just need an attitude check.  It's nice to have those honest and real relationships where we can literally talk about anything and be okay if we are wrong.  These relationships mean too much to me to flounder over a bad attitude so that is something I would really like to change.

I'd like to figure out who I am.  I've gone my whole life with people telling me who to be.  And in Christ, I'd like to discover myself in Him.  I'm 20 years old and I am still figuring out things about myself.  I want to know who I am before this internship is over.  I want to know who I was created to be and live that out in a way that God can be proud of the Child He created.  In the process of figuring out myself, I know my relationship with God will strengthen, as it has in an insane amount this last year.

In 2012, I plan to love always and trust God with all my heart. I plan to not dwell on the past and focus on the plans God has for me and know that His are much better than mine.  I plan to focus less on what I don't have (husband, supportive family) and focus on what I do have (friends, love). I plan to allow my friends to tell me when I am being stupid, complaining too much, and dwelling too often on the negative.  And I won't get offended.  And maybe I'll drink a little less coffee ;)

You

You amaze me. With that angelic face and gentle smile, how you amaze me. You amaze me because it seems like a mask you hide behind. You hide behind and pretend like you know me.  You treat me as a nobody while you act like someone who everyone will love.  You disappoint.  You say hurtful things.  You judge me. You are imperfect. You say you have these imperfections that are non existent and reject those that are obviously apparent.  You expect so much from me that I can't even speak with you in a loving way. You make me hate myself and have an absolute disdain for people like you. You know what you are.  You know who you are. You know who you have tried to make me become.

But I read something today.  It said, "cross the line if you lost yourself while trying to make someone else happy." I have crossed that line so many times for people that I have lost count.  And now I draw the line.  I REFUSE to walk cross that line for you, or anyone else for that matter, ever again. I refuse to let you morph me into a jealous and tragically bitter human being.  You cannot turn me into one of your drones of self hatred and two faced attitudes.  I am free to be me.  Free to discover on my own Who I Am. You do not get to chose any more. You no longer can change my day with one rude comment because what you say will no longer have any importance in my life.  You are loved by me but you have no part of who I am, no part in shaping my life or being my friend. Until you figure out how to treat others equally, I am afraid we cannot spend any time together.  I am going to be free in myself you cannot control me Ever Again.