I've spent the last two weeks begging off people when they ask me what is wrong-- mostly because my eyes are red-rimmed with secret tears. Nothing. I reply with the shortest answer I can because if I use more words, then the flood gates will spill forth. It would come out in improper sentences at too fast a speed for anyone to interpret.
I'm terrified. 29 days. I am weak. I will miss you. I love you. Goodbyes? I miss my grandpa. I can't sleep. I'm struggling financially. People suck. My body hurts. I'm so confused. The nightmares won't stop. I'm lonely. Please just hug me. Jesus help me.
Who am I becoming? I can't go 24 hours without crying. I have anxiety attacks every few hours. I can't see straight. I crave human connection more than ever. It sucks, because I know that in 29 days the people I crave will be half a country away. In 39 days.... in 39 days they will be half a world away... literally. I find so much excitement in this new adventure, whether it be a year or a little longer I don't quite know. I see growth that hasn't happened yet and I see something I have never done before, an adventure that I never dreamed of taking. In 30 days I will board a plane and say goodbye to everything I know, any familiar thing in my life will be gone. Holy crap.
I guess that last statement isn't completely accurate... there is one familiar thing that will remain the same... One person who I know has and will always be there. My Jesus will be on the plane with me, wiping my confused tears and holding my hand through the turbulence. My Jesus will remain the same in the US and in Russia. He will dance with me in the joy and He will comfort me on my lonely days. He will give me a strength that I cannot surpass as my own. He will give me the right words to speak and the peaceful sleep I need. I cannot lean on anyone else besides God in this transition and I think that I have tried to lean on others. I have been severely disappointed because I have expected help that only God can provide. There isn't a single human who can help me in the ways that I need, only God can do that. God has provided an army of hugs and love and comfort speakers, but what I really need is impossible to find in any human.
I may be terrified, leaving in 29 days, weak, missing my friends and family, struggling through goodbyes, missing my grandpa, not sleeping, struggling financially, dealing with imperfect people, in pain, confused, having nightmares, lonely, and desperate for a hug... but Jesus... God can give me all of that. I just need to seek Him in all of that. He will keep me above the waves, He will give me rest. I. Will. Find. Peace.
