It's been 24 hours of Facebook free life. I also took a step back from my other social medias: Twitter, Snapchat, and Instagram (though I admit to scrolling through it once today AND will be posting this on my account). I have found myself with a lot of "free time" (insert air quotes) in the last day. Now, my life isn't less busy or less chaotic, and I haven't cut back my work hours-- I've actually added more. I'm not a new person who realizes their faults and loves at all times. I'm still imperfect. But I've found myself with literal free hands. My phone got lost 5-6 times today, my hands did a lot of fidgeting, and I found myself participating in more things. I went to a play group and just held my (3 week old, nanny) baby. I watched the kids play. I didn't say much. I just watched. It was different.
I'm not saying I was one of those people who was sucked into their phone all the time, but I will say it was always with me and would grab it as soon as it went off. Today, I turned on some music, walked away, and texts went unanswered for a long time. However, it made today a little lonelier. I realized that I initiate 90% of all on my texts. When I didn't have messages, I would just Facebook stalk my friends. I'd fill my time with "people" and their lives via social media. So today I spent most of my day trying to fill the silence. And that wasn't easy.
I will say, I found the time to read my Bible. I found the time to listen to worship music instead of scrolling through Instagram videos. I found time to realize that I really shouldn't focus on who is or isn't messaging me. What's in front of me is what matters. My little nugget of three weeks was in front of me all day. Her, and the people we visited today, they were priority.
I need to get used to the fact that other people have lives. I need to get used to the fact that I am on my own. I feel free, but lonely. I've always been lonely, but I filled it with social media. Now I'm just lonely and don't want to fix my loneliness by hanging out with people. But I force myself to. If I don't, I'll be miserable. I was meant to socialize. And when I can't see my friends, which, let's be honest, is more often than than not, I need to fill that free time with Jesus. My soul aches for him and His presence. So you could say that I've learned a lot in the last 24 hours. Because I have. Life hasn't gotten less complicated or busy, and certainly hasn't gotten any easier... Rome wasn't built in a day. But I know where to go from here.
Thursday, July 20, 2017
Wednesday, July 19, 2017
Why I Quit Facebook
It's been 2 years and 12 days since I've blogged. Honestly, I found a new attraction in the world of Youtube. I used youtube a lot when I lived in Russia as a way to update everyone on Russian life and how I was doing, while allowing them to physically experience the country via video. I still use youtube, but mostly for beauty related videos, travel vlogs, and my most recent (forced) venture, gluten free videos.
All that gives you no idea as to why I quit Facebook, so here goes.
I quit Facebook several times in the last few years. Once, I was struggling with some serious FOMO of everyone back in the states while I was in Russia; the second time, I was struggling with life in the states and reverse culture shock; the third time lasted 6 months, and I finally reactivated it to flaunt to the world my really cute relationship. This time, however, is different. This time comes 3 months after I reactivated it. Currently, single, struggling to make it through a day without crying, trying to figure out who the hell I am. Recently, kicked out of my house, rejected by my family, re-welcomed back in by a majority of my family, except my father.
What does this possibly have to do with facebook? I was SO sick of pretending everything was okay. I hid my relationship status as I switched it back to single, I played off my move like it was a typical day, I spent my "free time" (while my best friend, sister, (at the time) boyfriend, and a lot of my role models and friends left town without me) working until I could barely function and was forced to take a week off work. I tried to be a people pleaser for everyone and it just backfired. I've tried to be optimistic and pull my life together, and for what? One stupid post that I am hoping people will "love" because I'm so joyful? I am so sick of pretending, and every time I tried to create a video to post on youtube, I just ended up crying through the whole thing. (Hence the blog, and not a video) I wanted everyone to see something good, in a world where all they see is negativity.
I felt a responsibility that I needed to be optimistic and positive so that people can see that God is amazing and perfect... but the truth is, my life is a mess. I can't sleep like normal person. I cry 6 out of 7 days of the week, the other day is just because I'm so tired and busy that I don't have TIME to cry. I feel like I can't get myself together. And that isn't representing Christ.
I also don't like who I've become. I can't admit my faults. I'm apologizing constantly for my mistakes, days later than I should. I'm insecure. My anxiety has been through the roof over the last month, and I haven't struggled with it in two years. I'm not kind or patient any more. I have the worst RBF on, all. the. time. I know that who I've become is not of God, but I feel like my life is so out of control that I can't fix me. So instead of doing that, I avoid humans. (Not the tiny kind, that's my job. Also they're cute and they don't judge me.) I feel like a burden to the world, because all I can see are the struggles that I can't seem to avoid or get through.
I know the truth. I know God's truth. It's just so hard in this day and age to not put off the persona like Facebook posts basically force you to put off. I was tired of the engagement announcements, the wedding photos, the pregnancy announcements, and the births. That's the stage of life I've been dying to be in for 6 years and I'm just tired of wishing I was someone else. I am who God created me to be. He has a plan for me (blah blah blah) and I know it's good. But for now (or forever?), I'm going to sign off of Facebook, and pretend like everything is fine. Even when it isn't.
All that gives you no idea as to why I quit Facebook, so here goes.
I quit Facebook several times in the last few years. Once, I was struggling with some serious FOMO of everyone back in the states while I was in Russia; the second time, I was struggling with life in the states and reverse culture shock; the third time lasted 6 months, and I finally reactivated it to flaunt to the world my really cute relationship. This time, however, is different. This time comes 3 months after I reactivated it. Currently, single, struggling to make it through a day without crying, trying to figure out who the hell I am. Recently, kicked out of my house, rejected by my family, re-welcomed back in by a majority of my family, except my father.
What does this possibly have to do with facebook? I was SO sick of pretending everything was okay. I hid my relationship status as I switched it back to single, I played off my move like it was a typical day, I spent my "free time" (while my best friend, sister, (at the time) boyfriend, and a lot of my role models and friends left town without me) working until I could barely function and was forced to take a week off work. I tried to be a people pleaser for everyone and it just backfired. I've tried to be optimistic and pull my life together, and for what? One stupid post that I am hoping people will "love" because I'm so joyful? I am so sick of pretending, and every time I tried to create a video to post on youtube, I just ended up crying through the whole thing. (Hence the blog, and not a video) I wanted everyone to see something good, in a world where all they see is negativity.
I felt a responsibility that I needed to be optimistic and positive so that people can see that God is amazing and perfect... but the truth is, my life is a mess. I can't sleep like normal person. I cry 6 out of 7 days of the week, the other day is just because I'm so tired and busy that I don't have TIME to cry. I feel like I can't get myself together. And that isn't representing Christ.
I also don't like who I've become. I can't admit my faults. I'm apologizing constantly for my mistakes, days later than I should. I'm insecure. My anxiety has been through the roof over the last month, and I haven't struggled with it in two years. I'm not kind or patient any more. I have the worst RBF on, all. the. time. I know that who I've become is not of God, but I feel like my life is so out of control that I can't fix me. So instead of doing that, I avoid humans. (Not the tiny kind, that's my job. Also they're cute and they don't judge me.) I feel like a burden to the world, because all I can see are the struggles that I can't seem to avoid or get through.
I know the truth. I know God's truth. It's just so hard in this day and age to not put off the persona like Facebook posts basically force you to put off. I was tired of the engagement announcements, the wedding photos, the pregnancy announcements, and the births. That's the stage of life I've been dying to be in for 6 years and I'm just tired of wishing I was someone else. I am who God created me to be. He has a plan for me (blah blah blah) and I know it's good. But for now (or forever?), I'm going to sign off of Facebook, and pretend like everything is fine. Even when it isn't.
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