Why I Quit Facebook

It's been 2 years and 12 days since I've blogged.  Honestly, I found a new attraction in the world of Youtube.  I used youtube a lot when I lived in Russia as a way to update everyone on Russian life and how I was doing, while allowing them to physically experience the country via video. I still use youtube, but mostly for beauty related videos, travel vlogs, and my most recent (forced) venture, gluten free videos.

All that gives you no idea as to why I quit Facebook, so here goes.

I quit Facebook several times in the last few years.  Once, I was struggling with some serious FOMO of everyone back in the states while I was in Russia; the second time, I was struggling with life in the states and reverse culture shock; the third time lasted 6 months, and I finally reactivated it to flaunt to the world my really cute relationship.  This time, however, is different.  This time comes 3 months after I reactivated it.  Currently, single, struggling to make it through a day without crying, trying to figure out who the hell I am.  Recently, kicked out of my house, rejected by my family, re-welcomed back in by a majority of my family, except my father.

What does this possibly have to do with facebook?  I was SO sick of pretending everything was okay.  I hid my relationship status as I switched it back to single, I played off my move like it was a typical day, I spent my "free time" (while my best friend, sister, (at the time) boyfriend, and a lot of my role models and friends left town without me) working until I could barely function and was forced to take a week off work. I tried to be a people pleaser for everyone and it just backfired.  I've tried to be optimistic and pull my life together, and for what? One stupid post that I am hoping people will "love" because I'm so joyful? I am so sick of pretending, and every time I tried to create a video to post on youtube, I just ended up crying through the whole thing. (Hence the blog, and not a video) I wanted everyone to see something good, in a world where all they see is negativity.

I felt a responsibility that I needed to be optimistic and positive so that people can see that God is amazing and perfect... but the truth is, my life is a mess.  I can't sleep like normal person. I cry 6 out of 7 days of the week, the other day is just because I'm so tired and busy that I don't have TIME to cry. I feel like I can't get myself together. And that isn't representing Christ.

I also don't like who I've become.  I can't admit my faults.  I'm apologizing constantly for my mistakes, days later than I should.  I'm insecure.  My anxiety has been through the roof over the last month, and I haven't struggled with it in two years.  I'm not kind or patient any more. I have the worst RBF on, all. the. time.  I know that who I've become is not of God, but I feel like my life is so out of control that I can't fix me.  So instead of doing that, I avoid humans.  (Not the tiny kind, that's my job. Also they're cute and they don't judge me.)  I feel like a burden to the world, because all I can see are the struggles that I can't seem to avoid or get through.

I know the truth.  I know God's truth.  It's just so hard in this day and age to not put off the persona like Facebook posts basically force you to put off.  I was tired of the engagement announcements, the wedding photos, the pregnancy announcements, and the births.  That's the stage of life I've been dying to be in for 6 years and I'm just tired of wishing I was someone else.  I am who God created me to be.  He has a plan for me (blah blah blah) and I know it's good.  But for now (or forever?), I'm going to sign off of Facebook, and pretend like everything is fine.  Even when it isn't.