But there's also the two years of triumph. Two years of growth. Two years of straight up hard work.
I wanted to quit... more times than one. I would have quit three weeks ago had I not been so close to the end. And a week ago. And yesterday. But you see. I'm not a quitter. I'm a fighter. I don't fall and stay down. I get back up. Why? Because this time is not my own. I'm not here to waste God's time, I'm here to use it.
So I fought, I cried, and I struggled... but most importantly I triumphed.
I've spent the last two years watching time fly and watching it go slower than it should. I've watched babies in the nursery move to their first Sunday school class. I've seen elementary kids transition to Uturn and the awkward stages in life. I've seen good kids go rebel and I've seen rebels turn to the most "on fire for God" teenagers that I've ever met. I've had my own ups and downs, my own awkward stages, and I've seen my own family have these transitions as well. My nieces have had a church experience or twenty. I've seen my niece sing Jesus loves me to a group of people who didn't want to hear. I've seen her as a three year old disciple. I've seen the baby make an impression in the nursery and an impression in the world. Her little eleven month old kisses would melt anyone. I've seen sisters in and out of church on random occasions. I've seen God move in their lives, whether they are aware or not. I've witnessed to families that used to be uninterested and now ask questions constantly. I've seen myself go from shut off to talking about God, to talking about Him every five minutes.
I've seen growth. Not only in myself but in the people around me. Interns. Friends. Family. Coworkers. Youth. Kids. It's something I will treasure for the rest of my life. One girl in particular... I watched her go from confusion to true understanding. I helped with her baptism. At camp we prayed for her to be baptized in the Holy Spirit, and then with her and all of her sisters. She helps with worship upstairs. She's my first real experience in a life change. I'm blown away by her and what God is doing in her life.
I've watched Brooke grow from completely stubborn with no words, to completely stubborn and full sentences. I've watched as Emily has gone from little girl, to understanding and growing up way too fast. I've seen Summer go from newborn and incapable, to running and screaming and talking and loving. My heart melts.
I've watched the interns grow from three to seven. I was there when we fell apart, I was there when we grew stronger. I've seen them struggle and I've seen them triumph. We've been through a life changing experience, Amanda, Jasmine and I. Whether it tested our patience or changed us for the better. We went through dry periods and Holy Spirit highs. We went from tears to laughter, and sadness to joy. We've hated life and we have loved it. Mostly, we did this together; creating a strange yet unforgettable bond. I can't explain it much... but we won't ever forget it. That first semester really pushed us... it caused us to think and fend for ourselves. We spent a ridiculous amount of time together, arguing, crying, laughing, loving. You can never take that away. We all went through tremendous traumas and took care of each other. We went long distances and spent a lot of time in coffee shops. We had conflict resolutions and we fought. Mostly we fought for each other and defended our sisters in Christ. We grew confident together. We found ourselves together.
I found myself. Well, part of me. I'm not completely confident in who I am quite yet, but I knew nothing of myself before I started this internship. I know where I started. Lost. Confused. Shut off. Quiet. Afraid. I let fear drive me. I refused to sing, pray, lead. All because of fear. I never let myself be free. I was stuck in a hole that I didn't want to climb out because I thought if I did that no one would understand me. I was closed off to a world with astounding information and Spiritual guidance. I was shut off to the Holy Spirit and it's leading. I was truly confused as to who I was and what I was doing. However, two years later I can't say the same thing.
As I prep for going to Russia as a missionary in the Fall, I can't help but think it to be all but a dream. I mean, the world is at my fingertips and I am going to freaking Russia. God has me on this tremendous journey and I can't stop thinking about how Amazing God is... He trusts me of all people... with His people. His babies. I have no words for this besides Thank You. I have no expression but utter joy because two years later I can finally jump. I can say yes without fear. Well... there is hesitation in the unknown... but I know for a fact that God has a plan much greater than I can comprehend. I'm ready. I've spend my entire life preparing for this. I've spent the last two years searching for my God in every crevice, dark hole, and bright spot. I am going to Russia because God has called me to something so much greater than myself. I'm beyond ecstatic and so confused at the same time. God spent the last two years preparing me for something, that two years ago if I had been called, I would have thought God had gone mental. How did I get from being too afraid to pray in front of people, to moving to another country to help fulfill Russia's vision for their country? That's either some serious happy juice or God has had His say in my entire life for a very long time. I'm not saying I didn't put in the work, but God certainly provided one opportunity after another to shape me to be who I am today. Sure, I probably spent twenty five percent of the last two years in tears, but I certainly grew from those tears. I can't even fully comprehend just what God has done. I mean, seriously. It is unreal.
Enough about how ridiculous my life is. I am beyond blessed to have partaken in the Redwood Emerging Leader Network over the last two years. I've been challenged, I've come close to quitting, I've cried, I've screamed, I've stressed out, heck I ended up in the hospital. But that isn't to say I didn't enjoy it. Racing not to break curfew, laughing while we ate hot cheetos and pretended that we didn't have a final in an hour, nights out, nights in, completing events.
Oh yeah. That Kids Karnival. Holy Mother of Pearl that event challenged me more than anything I have ever done in my life. Coordinating an event that took 5 months, hosted 3,400 people and forced me to hide from the world for a good twenty four hours after it was over... And yet I wish I could do it again? It makes me so sad that I won't even be a volunteer this year... but it's time I pass on the baton to someone else. It's time for them to spend hours pulling out their hair while they sit on hold because the prizes didn't ship on time, or resetting up everything after someone came in the night before and moved it all. Those are terrible memories and yet I want to be back in that moment. Those moments made me who I am.
I just became tremendously sad. Thinking about all the times I wanted to quit and yet I didn't. I made it through. I made it... And it's done. Two days and I'm free. I can't even comprehend this. I mean, I am leaving. For good. My heart hurts. I cannot believe I did it. God did it. God and I did it. I'm becoming so emotional (as usual) and I can't even comprehend what it means to me to be finished. My greatest accomplishment. In just over a week I am going to be walking across that stage... and I'll be done. "Done" isn't quite the proper verbage... I mean really I am just beginning.... I am starting a new life... Russia, maybe marriage, I pray eventually, a family. I'm.... I'm only just beginning. I'm just starting out on this journey that God has me on. These last twenty two years, these last two years.... have lead to this moment. This isn't the end.... it's just the beginning.
As I prep for going to Russia as a missionary in the Fall, I can't help but think it to be all but a dream. I mean, the world is at my fingertips and I am going to freaking Russia. God has me on this tremendous journey and I can't stop thinking about how Amazing God is... He trusts me of all people... with His people. His babies. I have no words for this besides Thank You. I have no expression but utter joy because two years later I can finally jump. I can say yes without fear. Well... there is hesitation in the unknown... but I know for a fact that God has a plan much greater than I can comprehend. I'm ready. I've spend my entire life preparing for this. I've spent the last two years searching for my God in every crevice, dark hole, and bright spot. I am going to Russia because God has called me to something so much greater than myself. I'm beyond ecstatic and so confused at the same time. God spent the last two years preparing me for something, that two years ago if I had been called, I would have thought God had gone mental. How did I get from being too afraid to pray in front of people, to moving to another country to help fulfill Russia's vision for their country? That's either some serious happy juice or God has had His say in my entire life for a very long time. I'm not saying I didn't put in the work, but God certainly provided one opportunity after another to shape me to be who I am today. Sure, I probably spent twenty five percent of the last two years in tears, but I certainly grew from those tears. I can't even fully comprehend just what God has done. I mean, seriously. It is unreal.
Enough about how ridiculous my life is. I am beyond blessed to have partaken in the Redwood Emerging Leader Network over the last two years. I've been challenged, I've come close to quitting, I've cried, I've screamed, I've stressed out, heck I ended up in the hospital. But that isn't to say I didn't enjoy it. Racing not to break curfew, laughing while we ate hot cheetos and pretended that we didn't have a final in an hour, nights out, nights in, completing events.
Oh yeah. That Kids Karnival. Holy Mother of Pearl that event challenged me more than anything I have ever done in my life. Coordinating an event that took 5 months, hosted 3,400 people and forced me to hide from the world for a good twenty four hours after it was over... And yet I wish I could do it again? It makes me so sad that I won't even be a volunteer this year... but it's time I pass on the baton to someone else. It's time for them to spend hours pulling out their hair while they sit on hold because the prizes didn't ship on time, or resetting up everything after someone came in the night before and moved it all. Those are terrible memories and yet I want to be back in that moment. Those moments made me who I am.
I just became tremendously sad. Thinking about all the times I wanted to quit and yet I didn't. I made it through. I made it... And it's done. Two days and I'm free. I can't even comprehend this. I mean, I am leaving. For good. My heart hurts. I cannot believe I did it. God did it. God and I did it. I'm becoming so emotional (as usual) and I can't even comprehend what it means to me to be finished. My greatest accomplishment. In just over a week I am going to be walking across that stage... and I'll be done. "Done" isn't quite the proper verbage... I mean really I am just beginning.... I am starting a new life... Russia, maybe marriage, I pray eventually, a family. I'm.... I'm only just beginning. I'm just starting out on this journey that God has me on. These last twenty two years, these last two years.... have lead to this moment. This isn't the end.... it's just the beginning.
