The Onion

Sometimes I laugh at myself for all of my "Castle" applications to my life. For example... Then onion. The Beckett Onion.
Katherine Beckett is a VERY complicated woman. You think she is an NYPD detective... Defeating the murderers of New York and kicking the crap out of crime. And she is. But that doesn't define who she is. That's just the first layer of the Beckett onion. Multiply by 600 layers and 6 years of being friends and you may have scratched the surface of the Beckett Onion.
I have the Teresa Onion. That no one has really bothered to try and peel in the last 4 or 5 years. I have 2 people who know everything about me... And yet they don't know me. They claim to. And I call them my best friends. But they have only scratched the surface. Mostly that's my fault. A lifetime of pretending you're someone else, because that's the only option you had, makes it rather difficult for you yourself know who you are. I have yet to peel the entire Teresa onion. But I'm farther than any one else. I'll put something out there... A layer.
I actually much prefer being quiet and to myself. Recently discovered over the summer. I'm an introvert. I grew up an introvert. But because I was forced to be an extrovert in high school, that's what has been expected of me. For that, I now get crap for being loud. And I'm finally standing up to that. I'm not going to take crap for being someone I'm not... Someone I don't even want to be. That's so silly and not worth the tears. It has been my defense and what I have hidden behind. But now that I realize that I'm not being taken seriously and I'm seriously annoying, I think it's time to get away from the "better option" of hiding behind my loud voice and finally be myself. It's time to let other people be heard and for me to finally be able to be myself.
So the onion isn't peeled, but this year in the internship, that's my goal: answering the question, "who am I?" and not pretending like I already know. It's time to let some layers peel off for good, no matter the amount tears that are shed (did you catch that pun?!) this will be a slow process but I am SO ready.
It's time to break my heart into God's hands so He can put me back together, just as He wants me to be. Starting with by voice. Layer number one, coming off.

Disconnect

Lately I have felt somewhat disconnected. From people. From God.
Sure. We can text. Have a silly conversation. Morning devotions. Prayer time. Doesn't mean anything if there is no connection. I can't seem to like people. Talking seems tedious and ineffective. No good is coming from it. I pray, half the time in tears, and nothing. Silence. Okay, so I can handle silence. For a while. But it's more like, what I am praying doesn't even get to God. Like there's nothing. And I don't know how to fix that. I read my Bible every morning. We have morning devotions in the internship. I help with uturn. I go to church. And it feels like, during worship, with my hands raised and voice high.... Nothing. I hear nothing. I feel nothing. Where's God? I know it isn't Him, it's me. But I'm TRYING. Practically begging. Forgiveness. No more silence. Help me. what did I do wrong? But again, I don't even think it gets to God. I feel so alone all the time... Even in a room full of people. I want to hide and I'm an extrovert. Being alone all the time is my new favorite thing. And yet, I want people. But I can't CONNECT with anyone.... Not even God. I don't understand.

Role Reversal

You know, I NEVER thought in my life that my family would play a part in my life. Period. End of story. Not possible. But again, God likes to show off ;)

My friends have been crucial in my life. My rocks, my leaders, my almost family. They lead me on a straight path to Jesus. Loving me. Arguing. Fighting for me. Laughing with me. They provided homes, food, shelter, love. God took where I was and threw me into the loving arms of my friends. We were almost a family. The one thing we lacked was an entire lifetime of knowing each other. The knowledge of just exactly what gets to me, good or bad. The stories as to why I hate guns, or why Christmas is my least favorite holiday, or the fact that my family thought I was quiet until I was 20 years old. However, they were who I had when I didn't have my family. And now it seems the roles have switched. Yes, I have my friends. But I don't have many to confide in... I'd say I have one who I am comfortable talking to and the rest don't seem to care or have moved away. And I am thankful that I still have my mentors who I can talk to about God and ask questions. I realized last week that I don't have much on the "friend" basis besides laughter. And in no way is that discrediting my group of friends, but I feel so much surface level conversation that it bothers me. I know I'm no longer included in most "real" conversations and most people don't want me in them considering the summer I have had. I got that. It hurts but I can't change that. I've had some issues this summer and I have had some break throughs. My friends don't know that, and for a change my family does. My little sister and I hang out almost every day. My neighbors (who call me their daughter and sister) have been there for me through everything and I talk with them. I miss my Dad more than ANYTHING in the world right now. And I wish my sister was here. I still fight with one of my sisters (had to have something normal in there) and I talk on the phone or text with my mom at least once a week. And I'm crying just thinking about what God has done with this just in the last year. All I had were my friends a year ago. And I literally was starved, exiled, then kicked out of my Dad's house by a family who couldn't stand me. I went through a lot of hurt and a HUGE amount of healing...a nd now they're calling me to ask to hang out or if they need help. And my response is only crying. They're who I went to in my break up. They're who I went to after Mexico. They're who I called as soon as I got back from Kids Camp. All I can say is God gave me a miracle. I may still be struggling but I have my family and I have never been able to say that.

Year Two

Well, here comes year two. Curfew kicks in tomorrow and work starts Tuesday. It's been an absolutely insane summer. I moved, spent 2 days relaxing and organizing and started watching kids right away. Since then I have babysat Monday-Thursday, more than a few Fridays and a few Saturday nights. I also went to Mexico and Kids Camp in July. Two very exhausting experiences but so rewarding. My summer has been non stop... Late nights, a dance recital, and hey, I welcomed my niece into the world with my entire family, Mom included. Absolute insanity.
And now I'm starting classes tomorrow and I'm already tired thinking about it. I can't wait for next semester when I am only taking on half a load because I'm almost done with the institute :). This summer was more exhausting than ELN and I'm looking forward to a much better set schedule. More sleep (never thought i'd say that) and more work getting done. I'm in the children's department for the next year and I cannot WAIT to learn from Maryann.... Though I may mysteriously get sick during the Kids Karnival in October... Totally logical when your job description is "Everything!!!!!!" Cameron and I will have our work cut out for us. I have also requested more speaking opportunities.... Yes, I said MORE. I may freak out before and turn beat red as I speak but it is SO rewarding and I am not missing out on ANYTHING this year. I'm ready (I hope) for whatever God has for me. Rachel asked if I was ready to preach at Trinity campus.... Maybe next semester ;)
Here we go...