Goodbyes and Regrets

Yes, it's 1:30 in the morning (probably well after two once I post this) and yes, I have to be up in 6 hours to take care of Bella but my emotions are getting the best of me right now. So I'd rather write and cry it out now, then have tomorrow be a completely terrible day (Monday is going to be a very difficult day, so please please keep me in your prayers?).
Anyway. I just said goodbye to my Best Friend. Again. As well as Tia. Who is like a sister to me. Amy goes back to school tomorrow. And Tia goes to Africa at 5am on Tuesday... Until August. These girls mean the world to me and I'm exhausted from all of the goodbyes. It's even harder when I only see them a handful of times and then it's goodbye once more. And then here I am. HERE. You know, there are so many times where I wish I'd just gone away for treatment. Or gone to London. Or Seattle. Because look at where their lives are leading. I'm not discrediting the internship here at all. It has saved me. But I feel like I've limited myself. I've put myself in a bubble and I can't get out. So I'm stuck saying goodbye to two of the most important people in my life while they go and make something of themselves. They had the courage to go. To be honest, I'm not that brave. But I so wish I was. Trusting. But I hide. And I hate that. For once I'd like to be sad that I'm saying goodbye but excited for where I'm going. Here are two brave young women, fulfilling this crazy dream of mine that I'm too scared to do. And I have to stay behind. I hate when they leave. I miss them. I wish goodbyes never existed. I said goodbye to my mom, my grandparents, my aunt, uncle, three growing cousins, a best friend, and now two more. It's the worst feeling in the world when you get that you can't see them. All because I stayed behind. I regret staying behind but I see how God has made it work. And I have someone to lean on. She'll leave soon too. And where will I be? Here. As always.
I didn't want to post another entire post but the rest of what I have to say has nothing to do with the above. Though it is a regret. I touched on this subject a few days ago but today I got punched. I have someone in my life that controls my every move. They have no idea they do it and I just wish it could stop. They have this power and control over me and I can't rid of it. I tell myself confidently that it's done. I say it's over. And then they appear back in my life and I completely fall apart. They judge me to my face. They discredit my opinion. They make me HATE myself so much. And I let them. I regret that. It isn't like I try but it's like they have this iron clad grip on me and I'm chained up. I can't be myself. I'll be whipped. I can't speak without permission. I'll get pushed out of the group. I can't ask questions. I'll be looked down on like an idiot. All I know is that I cannot be a prisoner in this hell they have me trapped in. But I have no way to get out. "get away from them" you say? Not a possibility. Believe me. I tried.