Love

There is a two year old who has stolen my broken heart. When I need a hug, she never fails to pound on my door yelling "Auntie! Open the door!" And of course I open the door. She goes straight for my iPod and asks for music and we dance away the troubles in this life. This precious little girl who means more than anything to me in this life besides my God. Today? She knocks on my door and tells me she hurt her knee. I kiss it and she welcomes herself into my room. Only it's different to her. The bed is bare, no blankets to jump on and mess up. Her hair supplies are buried in a giant pile of stuff in the corner of the room. No ponytails today. The music is melancholy and I'm putting the last of things into boxes. She sits on my bed and looks around confused. Then she see my face when I realize that this is our last hang out in my room. She says, "Auntie, No crying," and hugs me. I cry harder. Out of fear she dashes to the door claiming "I'll be right back!" like I think she'll never return. But she does. Two minutes later. Only she doesn't knock. I hear her steps and I know she is there. But she is silent. When I open the door, the sight I see BREAKS MY HEART. She is leaning on the wall next to my door. She's on the floor with her knees up, arms wrapped around her little legs and her head on her knees. She's sobbing quietly. I pick her up and place her in my lap. I ask what's wrong and she looks up at me with the saddest eyes I have ever seen. She croaks out "auntie" before desperately clinging to my neck. She knows. She doesn't understand, but she knows. I leave tomorrow and I'm not coming back. Sure. I'll visit. But we won't have dance parties in my room. Showers singing "Jesus Loves Me" (because that's the only place I can get away with it). No more naps with me or sharing ice cream while cuddling and watching Toy Story in our pjs. I don't live there any more. And all I can think about is abandoning the one person who can make everything okay. My little heartbreaker and giggling niece. My Boogs. All I can think is that she is crying because of me. Not because she gets that I am leaving. But she knows something is happening. Something she has deemed as bad. And it's my fault. I'm escaping and leaving her behind. And she cries FOR ME. She feels my pain of leaving her behind. And she still loves me. It breaks my heart that I could make her sad or hurt, but she doesn't care. she's sad. But she loves me. Unconditionally. Like a child. And never want to let her go. But when I stop hugging her. She looks at my face. She sees my sorrow. She hugs me again and whispers in my ear "I love you." I love her too.