Thirsty

I'm thirsty. Starving. Craving my God. This week I've noticed a change in myself. I'm sadder (more sad [for my English major mind]). I'm dwelling on the negative. I haven't been in my Bible but on Sundays. And this morning I felt God saying "Come Back To Me" in service. I had my Bible and I began in my favorite book. Romans. Chapter 12. Over half of this is already highlighted with reminders to love like Christ and to love always. I underlined a little more. Then I moved to Isaiah. Breathing in the words of Isaiah 54. Ingesting Isaiah 41. My heart swelled with pain as I read my Promise for 2012. "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10. I walked out I the doors of service alone. Feeling completely and dreadfully alone as everyone went off to lunch with their real families. I said aloud in my car, "I wonder if people know how much it hurts for me to feel like I am alone and how hard it is for me to leave alone." These are usually the days I skip lunch completely and hole myself in my room and cry. And I would have done that today but thankfully I had to drive three times longer than usual to go and house sit. I had a conversation with God after I made my "pity me" comment. I always say I feel alone and everyone abhors when I bring it up. But now I understand why. You see, this week? The week I've been so sad? One incident after another kept happening, nothing unusual. But I didn't hold my weapon. God? He is my weapon. And as the verse in Isaiah 41 says, He will not leave me. "Do not fear." So why was it so hard? Because I left HIM. All week He has been telling me to pick up my Bible. Do I? No. Not even when I'm crying my eyes out. I disregarded Him completely. I blame it on break (like an idiot). These last 2 weeks have been freeing and have chained me. I've been free to come and go. Do whatever I want. I was chained in a place where I wasn't welcomed and chained to the lies it came with. I didn't seek refuge. I took this break as a time to flee and escape from the world. I'd see a handful of friends. No one else. I escaped from work and did nothing. I salsa danced to forget it all. I made mistakes. I got rid of God. For
Two. Miserable. Weeks. He never left, but I refused to let Him in. I blamed Him for things (like an idiot), and when He resolved the problems that evil created, I left Him in the dirt. Not even a Thank You. Rude. And I broke His heart. As He had called me this week I've said, "in an hour," "tomorrow is better," "Sunday, I'll bring my Bible." Idiot. But He waited patiently. Until I was sleep deprived, full of anger, hurt, frustration, sorrow. He waited. And then He wrapped His arms around me and whispered Love into my ears. He pulled my heart straight into His Word. "For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you ." Isaiah 41:13

I am so sorry, God. Forgive me. Help me.