Rollercoasters

"He is more focused on changing us than changing our circumstances."

I'm not the most sensitive person, nor have I claimed to be.
I'm dramatic, but that's how I percieve most situations.
I laugh.
I cry.
I fight.
I give up.
And hope prevails.
He Prevails.
I'm at a point in my life where I am constantly asking "what's next?" "where do I go from here?" What's my fate for this summer? What's my fate for next week? How will I pay for Mexico?  Why is my best friend so far away? Why have you called me here when all I do is experience pain? I'm not supposed to give up because God can handle it. But what if I don't want to handle it?
What if I want God to just take it?
Just take this burden from me.
Take it away.
I cry.
Tomorrow I'll laugh.
The next day I'll beg for it to all be over.
Please.

Today? Today I pray that my life doesn't turn to misery. Hopelessness and fear cloud my every stressful thought. Where will I live? Where will I work? And as I write this I wonder how I will get to my orthodontist tomorrow because I don't have money or any gas left.
I can't breathe as I think of the hell I have been through with my mother. Five weeks and counting, I'll see the face I haven't seen in 14 months.The face of abandonment.  The face of someone who was supposed  to be my mother. The woman who left my father for another man. The woman I never knew.  The woman I haven't talked to in a year.  The woman who is going to marry another man.  How do I let that go?  My heart aches, I don't want to face her.  I never want to see her again.  But she's my mother. My... my MOM.  I can't even call her mom, it hurts.
Don't even get me started on the subject of boys and my heart.
But then there is the other side.  My niece coming in to the world in 8 weeks.  My best friend coming home in 3. Reconcilliation in my family.  Joy.
So it's a rollercoaster of emotion, a roller coaster of debate and fight.  God or Bad.  What will win?  Will I go up only to plummet straight down?  Will I just continue up straight to God?  I don't know, though I wish He would tell me something.  Anything.  Comfort.  Love.  A freaking hug.  Anything.
Anything.