My Biggest Obstacle

I'm scared. To be more specific, I am absolutely terrified. This is normal, they say. It feels normal. But I don't want to feel this way. I want to leave psyched and ready to go. I don't want to leave feeling like I do now. 

I don't want to say goodbye. I'm taking no one with me. I'm 22 years old and the longest I have been away from home is 2 weeks. I cannot imagine that again, let alone a freaking year. 

This is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done. I picture hugging my sister goodbye and I'm a bloody mess. (Like right now) I'm already sobbing. I don't want to say "bye bye" to my nieces. They expect to see me less than 2 days later. I can't even imagine what they will think after a few weeks. Will they miss me, or will they think I forgot them? I never want them to ever feel abandoned or forgotten, but they don't have phones or the capability of understanding what I am doing. My little sister is my best friend and I don't want her to think I'm leaving her. I don't want to leave her. I'd freaking pack her and Sophia in my suitcase if it wasn't such a long flight. 

Goodbye is literally the one thing stopping me. One word. I can't say it, I can't even wave. I'm thinking about the next 90 days and how the big goodbye could be any time between then and now. And currently I can't stop crying!

It is very clear that I am supposed to go. God has most certainly turned the light from red to green. I'm waiting for it to turn yellow, to slow time down, but it is so clear that I'm going through. 

I just.... I don't want to let go. I finally have my family and I feel like I have spent the last 10 years trying to get that... And as soon as everything is perfect, I lose them. I'm leaving them behind and I'm not even sure they get why. Right now, they are all I have. My best friends live 2 states away and I spend most of my time with my sisters and neighbors. My Monday night family dinners are going to stop. I won't be here for Christmas... My first time away for any holiday... I won't see my new niece grow up... She won't even know who I am when I come back. And that hurts. My heart hurts so much. 

I'm sure I'm being absolutely dramatic in the eyes of anyone reading this... But I could lose everything in this life but God and people and I would be okay. I can't lose my family.... And I've never been able to say that. I don't want to leave them. 

This is me expressing my bare soul right now... I needed to get it out. 

I am expressing my biggest obstacle in saying "yes". I knew what it meant to say yes, and right now I think it is just hitting home. So for now, I'm going to take advantage of every moment. Hug my nieces, laugh with my sister. Call my Dad. Text my Mom. Play video games with my neighbors... And figure out how in the freaking world I'm going to say goodbye without crying the entire flight to Russia. 

I'm giving this to God, this fear. But it doesn't mean I won't keep crying. If anyone has advice, please feel free to comment. Anyone else, if you don't mind, please just pray for my heart.