So as the title implies, i want to run. I ran 2 miles on Friday and it felt great. But I hated it. I set an early alarm to run before Bek's baby shower on Saturday and was all set to do it. But then I was up all night with the anxiety that I was getting up early to do something I abhor. So then I didn't run because I hadn't slept enough and used my run time as sleep time. I was out late Saturday night (later than I should have been) and was barely able to get up for work Sunday morning. Today I had a set plan. I will run. I woke up super comfortable and had my first amazing night sleep in WEEKS. But then I was sluggish and felt terrible all day. So frustrating.
I've been struggling a lot with self worth... Nothing unusual there... But now I actually want to take action against it. A first for me. But I can't get myself out of the hate phase. I want to. So. Desperately. Bad. I want to be in shape. Fit. Like I was in high school and my first year as a college volleyball player. I ran then. Hated it. But I did it and be damned to the world I did it well. I know I'm not fat... Though I have my days. But I know I'm not... Healthy? That probably isn't the term. I've been eating great and doing well. But I know I have a few extra unnecessary pounds. I can't base my health off of weight because I have mostly muscle and it puts me on a completely different chart. Most charts put me close to obese. No I'm not kidding. Like I said. Muscle. I hate it but that's the reality. Everything I do builds muscle. Except running. Minus my "athlete thighs and calves" I burn fat with running. I can't figure out another way to do it without building an insane amount of muscle. And I build it fast.
I have an athletes body so I can't base my health off of jean size either. It's all about look. And not that I look fat but I know I don't look fit. I feel best about myself when I'm fit. If I could play volleyball or basketball I'd run to it in a heart beat. No pun intended. But of course, that's so not a possibility.
I have had some major struggles with anxiety these last few weeks and it has prevented me from working, sleeping, and sitting in class. I had to leave class the other night 2 hours early because i had such high anxiety. I think running will help with that. And actually sleeping would be great too. So here I am.
I wanna run. I have no partner. I'm out of shape. I have little motivation I hate it. And my time is limited. But I wanna run.
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