just thoughts

Where am i going?
Who am i becoming?
Why is my life the way it is?
Why do these things keep happening?

My life this week has not been normal to say the least.  Exhaustion has over powered me.  Family drama has instilled.  Here I am not getting any sleep... again.  I have to be up in less than 6 hours... it's after midnight and I am just tired. Yet I cannot sleep.  I have so much anticipation and dire need for tomorrow to be over that I can't seem to allow myself to fall asleep and get there quicker.  Sleep won't be easy tonight and neither will tomorrow.  I have had a very scary week.... My brother in law fell asleep at the wheel and hit a telephone pole... with my poor helpless niece in the back seat.  Just thinking about it makes me what to bawl my eyes out.  But i know she is okay. Safe. I guess? I haven't been able to see her yet and my sister is bringing her to the church tomorrow so I can hug the living daylights out of her.  How I feel about my brother in law right now is not something I want to discuss but it has caused me to feel SO tired.  I slept so much last night (called in to work, went in after 1) and yet, I woke up feeling sick. tired. exhausted. drained. And there is no way to make that feeling go away.  The accident still happened. It will always have happened.  I still live at home. I still don't have a host family.  I am getting upset.  frustrated. desperate.  I can't take any more "maybe it is God's intention" talks. I have been at this house for 20 years. I am the ONLY believer. I am alone. This isn't exactly where I can live and feel okay. I can't help but cry EVERY TIME. I think about being here.  the people aren't terrible, but the crap that happens is.  The unsupportiveness is unbearable. The insane situation with my parents divorce, the roommate,  my sister's divorce, the accident, my sisters, my mother, myself is getting out of hand.  It's consuming me.  Even if I am at the church ALL THE TIME. It isn't calming my nerves.  The early weeks of the internship are over and I am out of my gleeful haze of "everything will be perfect all the time" ridiculous expectation for my entire life to change.  It has changed in a lot of ways. And yet, it feels... the same.  I can't take it much longer and I am not sure what I am supposed to do. I mean, a host family isn't going to come out of nowhere.  They have asked so many people. I'm losing hope.

And I am broke. literally. That doesn't help anything.