Thankfulness

I should be asleep. But I went to the cemetery and got a late night phone call before I got to sit (lay) down and type this on my iPod (so excuse the edits)

Tonight at FUSION we talked about being thankful. I wasn't going to speak, but as usual, I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I've come to realize that lately I have been a terribly pessimistic person and don't often look at the positive things in life. Yeah. The negatives are slightly overpowering as I battle my first major bout of burnout and sickness. But tonight. God showed me the good in life. Who and what I am thankful for. So here goes.

I'm thankful for people. In my life, I value relationships (and sleep) more than anything else. People are very important to me. So is having support. And right now, I'm not experiencing a lot of support from my family (except my Dad). It is something i've come to expect. Which is something I have had to give to God and struggle with greatly. But He has given me my own family. Mentors. Best friends. Grandparents. Crazy aunts. Hysterical uncles. Little sisters. Big brothers. Supportive parents. All in Christ. All with experiences to learn from. Funny stories to tell our kids and future spouses. Lectures that I am more than grateful to accept (not that I intentionally earn them). Trust. Cooking lessons. Walks. Giggling and squealing about tv shows and future husbands. Fake web shows. Giggles. Crabbiness. The good. The bad. Unconditional love. Far from perfection. But they see something in me. They believe in me. Something I wasn't able to do until recently. There is something comforting about talking with one of my friends/mentors and coming to find out that they talked with someone else to help my well being. I had my doubts in starting the internship. But here I am. God put them there to answer my absolutely terrified and ridiculous questions on whether or not I should do it. While I've gone through these last 14 weeks without a host family I have found nothing but their blessings everywhere I go. I wouldn't be where I am and I thank God for these people every day.

The internship is something else I am thankful for. Not that I adore doing facilities or losing a lot of sleep or sitting in meetings that I don't quite understand. But In the grand scheme of it all, I see where my life has had an insane amount of growth. I may not feel different. But if I were to write out how I responded to a specific situation 9 months ago and then have the same thing happen now, I would have a completely different reaction. That's very vague but details are not really important here. I see how the choices I made had major consequences and I see how I should have responded now. And that's progress to me. I wrote about how I've progressed spiritually a couple of posts ago, and that alone needs it's own post. I see the blessings I have received, and even though financially I may not be doing very well, I know I will be okay. I have now 2 host family options that have come to be and I will be moving sometime in the next 2 weeks, depending on what works and what doesn't. I am terrified but I know God has a family for me. Somewhere I belong.

I'm going to break a rule of mine and use 2 specific names of people. I have about 30 people I could list but I fear that I might leave someone out and hurt their feelings. I am thankful for Amy Kae. We've both been very busy lately so we haven't been able to talk on the phone much. But she texts me every day. She always asks me to send her a joy from my day. I haven't been the most optimistic person and she refuses to let me be a Debbie Downer. She demands that I send her at least one joy a day. I refused at first, insisting that I was having really bad days. I was annoyed because she told me I had to do it, and I'm not one to respond positively to being told I have to do something. Over the last week I have slowly begun to give in to her demands that I used to find annoying. She told me that when she gets a text from me that's a joy. Or when Kelsey sends her Bible verses (frequently) she has joy in that. She showed me that joy doesn't mean my entire day has to be amazing. Find it in the small things. And now that I have given in to my stubborn antics I am starting to find more joys in my day. Even though she's 2 states away, has a very busy life, and is in her first semester of college, she still finds time to be my best friend. She isn't afraid to yell and tell me I am being stupid and that I need to give her these messages that I used to find to be so annoying. She may be far away but she isn't giving up on me. And for this, I'm thankful. my others person would be miss Kelsey Lynn. I've known her longer than Amy and yet we seem to have become friends and grown really close over that last like... 6 months? If that. She knows all and sees all. She knows me better than I know myself and vice versa. We have fun when we hang out whether having coffee, watching ridiculously addicting tv shows, or when one of us shows up at the others house. We talk about everything from absolutely hysterical to deathly serious. We laugh, we cry, we cry because we laugh. She feeds me and gives me clothes that I adore. We are ridiculously similar, minus the fact that my voice carries way farther than hers. She has been my saving grace these last few months. She was sort of my Spiritual guide when I was at the most confusing point of my life. She showed me God. And now we walk together. Physically and Spiritually. It's nice to have someone who is literally in the exact same place in their life as I am. I help her technologically challenged brain while she helps me stay sane. For this, I am thankful.

This post is way too long and I'm exhausted. But I can't end my blog without saying I am thankful for God!! I mean, He is the reason I am here right now. He is my strength. My salvation. My Best Friend. He loves me. And I think I take Him for granted a lot. I make Him smaller because I fear or get hurt by someone. But I know He is much bigger than anyone or anything in this life. I just need to recognize and reassure myself that He has never left me. Never will never forsake me. He will never leave me, abandon me, disappoint me. He will provide. I know this because He has kept me alive and safe. He was blessed me when I don't deserve it. Loved me when I have hated myself. Given me strength that I can't even explain. And for Him, for His Love, I am thankful.