Pathetic Desperation

So, fancy me, I am blogging on my iPod. Without editing  So no, no fancy me. Why? I can't make my fonts all cute and italicized and bold. Or bigger. I'm very self conscious about my font... Hopefully I can portray how I am feeling without cute pictures and larger font words... Okay. Away from the insecurity. This one anyway. 

so. I'm babysitting late tonight. Kind of desperate for money. You see, I'm broke. No back up money. No parents to help. Alone. And a little stressed. God has provided me very well these last 12 weeks. But you see, it's wearing thin. I'm exhausted. 

I feel a little lost. A little confused. I question this every day because that's just who I am. Only thing is, I have a reason. If you didn't know, I am still host familyless. No one at home supports me. Well. My Dad says do what I want as long as I am going somewhere. But you see, he is gone. Work. Has been since May. I have spent roughly 5 days with him since my birthday... Which was may 6. Some times we had a meal and then he left. Which I am still grateful for. But I miss him. My parents are divorced. Recently. Like march recently. So my mom lives in Arizona. And she got engaged on Monday. Touchy subject. But. Again. She isn't here either. My little sister is pregnant and lives with her boyfriend. She's never around. My other sister is with my Dad. Gone. My oldest sister lives with me. Just went through a divorce and custody hearing. She isn't a believer. So I don't talk with her much. My niece. Saves. My. Life. Mark? He's around. Not family. No thanks. Minus the baby who saves my life, I'm alone. It's getting extremely difficult. If i was on a computer, this would be where I put the word "extremely" in bold, italics, and extra large. I struggle. I stumble. God catches me. He saves me. But He also says life is about relationships. Support. I need support. And I want it where I can call my house a home. I want a home. To be loved. Supported. Strengthened. Prayed with. People to eat meals with. Something to come home to. Happily. Joyfully. I have no idea how Christmas or Thanksgiving will be. First holidays with a completely separated family. And my Dad has to work. This is why I always hate october through January. Halloween. Pumpkins. Thanksgiving. Family. Food. Happiness. My dad is going to be i San Francisco  my best friend and Her family in Seattle. Christmas. I'm the only one who believes in Jesus and my Dad has hated Christmas for as long as I can remember. New years. Whoop de do.
 I'm hitting desperation. I have lived on pasta and cup o noodle for the last 2 weeks. Not exaggerating. My stomach hurts. I need real food. I want vegetables. Fruits. Get rid of the freaking sodium and carbs. And the 10 pounds I have gained. And the major loss in confidence. I want to be able to talk about my day with someone who won't call my Holy Spirit physical healing a fake. Or someone who has encouraging Bible verses. I. Need. A. Home. I want someone who cares if I break curfew. Calls to check in on me. Tells me no. Asks me to help cook dinner. it hurts to be alone in this. I have friends. Without them I wouldn't be here. But what do I go home to? Alone. No support. The most uncomfortable bed on the planet. So you see, while most people go home to their families who support them, Are at least present, who even just ask about their day, I come to the place of residence where I don't want to be. Alone. Supportless. And I am pretty sure no one reads my blog. So this is probably pointless. Showing my desperation. Pathetic. But I am tired of waiting. I have been praying for almost 3 months. Help. Please.