Sacrifices

As the countdown to the internship gets shorter and shorter, I'm realizing the things in my life that are going to change... The sacrifices I am going to be making.  I'm so thrilled and sad at the same time.  I have a whole new life beginning in just a few weeks and it is hard to picture the change.  I'm moving into a host home, starting a new job (well more like starting to work towards my career), leaving the kids behind, and moving away from my niece.  This sounds totally dramatic, I'm sure.  I'm not really known to react well, but change is hard for me.  I think that is something I will be working on during the internship.  I've never left home before, though everyone has technically left me.  I've basically been living alone for 2 months.  But it is a very different feeling knowing I am leaving the place where I grew up for the last 20 years (even if it doesn't contain the best memories). I think I am just a little afraid of how it will go.  I am confident it will be perfectly fine, but I have this tendency to freak out about something until it gets going.  I am starting a whole different career path as well.  Now there is a scary thought.  I am absolutely certain that this is where I am called to be, but I am absolutely terrified out of my mind.  I think it is because this is the first time that I am completely choosing to operate by Faith.  I have never felt called to a specific purpose in my life and I know this is right, I am just afraid.  I think the theme of this change is fear.  Fear of the unknown. I mean, I KNOW i will be okay, I TRUST that it will be amazing and life changing, and I have FAITH that this is what I am supposed to do.  So is it wrong to be afraid?

Also, I know I won't be completely done watching kids, and I know I will see them more often than I think I will, but it's weird.  I don't want to lose those moments with my favorite little people.  The moment when I walk in the door and I hear "Teresa!!" or when I leave they start crying or want to do our special handshake.  The moments when they tell me a story about this amazing day they had a few weeks ago and I realize it is a day we spent together.  I don't want the babies, in 2 or 3 years, to forget that I spent an entire year or more with to forget all the fun times we had.   I have memories with these kids that I don't want to forget.  I got to have the baby brothers and sisters that I wanted growing up. (yes, I have a younger sister but she is only a year and a half younger)  It's those moments with these kids that I don't want to give up.

Katelyn and Dylan are who I hang out 

with the most (18ish hours a week)

They don't do well taking pictures WITH

me... so I just take pictures of them

And then I have these two crazies who I adore 

like my sisters.

They pose with me a little TOO well :)

Every moment I spend with these 4 kids is precious to me.  Not to forget the 20 other kids hat I sporadically have on my schedule and get excited to spend time with.  Even on the days where they make me want to pull my hair out make them go to bed.  I love them so much. 

The one other thing i struggle with is not being able to live with my niece.  Yes, exhausting, but that angel is one of the only little girls in this world that makes me believe in miracles.  She is the cutest, sweetest, and silliest little girl I know.  She is going to be 2 years old in 2 weeks and I am not ready for that.  Right now, I see her maybe two times a week (and I'm supposed to live with her!).  I can see her as much as I can during my free time when I start the internship, but I am afraid that I am going to miss her growing up.  That she won't want to play the "kissy game" or take silly pictures with me.  I won't be able to cuddle with her and watch Toy Story when ever I want.  Or hear her in the morning running down the hallway screaming "auntie" and bursting through my bedroom door to climb into bed with me.  It is a hard thing to face, feeling like I am going to miss out on so much...

I think that if I were to start this internship with nothing to lose, it wouldn't have as much of an impact on me.  I think that by having these sacrifices, I am more determined to pursue this path.  I don't want to pretend that I won't miss my kids, my niece, and even home sometimes, because I think it is better for me to miss them than to not.  It gives me more purpose to finish what I'm starting. I am sacrificing a lot (emotionally, for me) to be in this program. But I am thanking God every day for this new life experience that I will never regret participating in or look back and regret leaving this time behind.  I know that this has all prepared me for this crazy journey that is just a few weeks away from beginning.