I wish I could change my name.

I figure whoever is reading this is wondering why... It isn't because I don't like my name (i got over that years ago) and it isn't because of who or how i was named. Actually it kind of doesn't have anything to do with my name in itself.  It is how it is used.  Lately I have been feeling... labeled? And for the most part I don't mind, but it has been effecting my personal life lately. a lot.  The label? The Babysitter.  I LOVE my kids and I would never give them up (except for the internship) but I feel like that is how people are interpreting who I am.  I'm good with kids. I get it. I am called to children's ministries. That I definitely get.   But that does NOT make me only the babysitter. It is my job... and I love to do it.  I hardly say no.  But when I stop getting invites to go out, or people ask me to watch their kids when I should be going where they are going, I get offended.  I don't know why, and maybe it's my fault, but I am more than just a babysitter.  I am Teresa, a living breathing, SOCIAL, twenty year old young woman.  I feel like I am being shafted.  And yeah, and events where there are kids around, I tend to entertain them, but at times I really need that social interaction with people... and lately I feel pushed to the side.  I feel like I am there to babysit. Which yeah, that's my job, I love it, but that does not make me who I am.  I don't know if I am making sense...

I would watch anyone's kids if they asked and i wasn't watching someone else's.  I would gladly say yes most of the time.  But when it is for an event that I want to go to, or an event that I should have been invited to but wasn't because people brought up my name as the babysitter instead of a guest, I feel very hurt.  I have been feeling very lonely lately because all I seem to be doing is working.  Again, I repeat I do not mind.  but the reason all I am doing is watching kids is because I am not invited any where.  Everyone seems to be pushing me away, and when I am somewhere I feel ignored.  i know it is stupid, but coming from a family completely opposite of the life i am living, means I go everywhere alone.  No parent, husband, sibling, or friend.  If i bring a friend, it is usually Amanda. I still feel ignored, not by Amanda, but by others.  I feel annoying to people lately, and I think it is from my overly energetic personality.  Lately, however, that has been coming out more often because I spend all day with kids aged 1-6.  I just feel like I am not part of a group. I don't have a friend circle where I would be invited out with the girls. Or feel comfortable with them to go out with them. Or can talk to a circle of friends without being pushed out of the circle. I feel like I am not making any connections with people because I am not invited anywhere and I feel like I am not invited anywhere because I am the babysitter.  Maybe I don't have the right to say what I am saying because maybe who I feel like is my group of friends really isn't... maybe I am the babysitter.  Maybe I am just having a hard time not having a lot of friends my age.  There really aren't that many people around my church who are my age.  But I still feel like I am trying way too hard to go for something that i am never going to get.... because of my label. for the third time, I am going to say I love watching my kids... but I would love if my scheduled consisted of dinner or a movie. or my friday night was a night out with the girls... and not at home or watching kids.  Sometimes I just want to spend a night out and laugh.... you know?  I feel bad for feeling this way because then it looks like I don't like what i do, but I really do. I even ask to watch people's kids when I already have had a crazy week, but usually it is because I want to spend more time with the kids i don't get to see as often.  I just wish that my job wasn't who I am to everyone.  That when people introduce me it isn't "This is Teresa, my babysitter."  That maybe it could be "This is Teresa, my friend." Or "this is Teresa, a friend of mine. Who also happens to watch my kids somtimes."  Or something that doesn't make me feel less important.  Not saying that watching kids is not important, it is to me, but I feel like it isn't important in explaining who I am.  I don't know, this might be coming out wrong and I have probably offended some of the parent to the kids I watch, and I hope that isn't the case, because I love them so much.  I just wish that maybe I had more to my name.  Friend.  Friend that loves kids.  Called to Children's ministries.  I don't know.  I feel like every time my name comes up, babysitter is attached. And really, maybe I don't mind thinking of my kids when I hear that.  But I wish I had MORE to my name than my job.  I don't know. I keep saying that and repeating myself.  But I just want people to call me to hang out with me a little more.  Not just random texts or phone calls if I can babysit, but also texts and phone calls about wanting to hang out... or asking how I am doing... I need people too.

This has no relation to any incidents lately or specific people... It is just a feeling I have had the last few months that I needed to get out and i had no one to explain it to...