A Year in Reflection

As I sit here with the (fake) tree glowing behind me, worship music easing its way into my ears, I reflect on this insane year. Full of melancholy and sorrow for losses, and joy and happiness for laughter and growth.  Tears form as I just think about the pain and hardships endured, but fear not, I find joy. Inspiration.  Love. Hope. And Peace. I find faith as I question my God who responds with tear filled eyes asking why I doubt. He has failed me not, though through troubled times it seems that way.  Though, here I am, finding joy and adoration in the little things. Best Friends. Real relationships. Coffee Dates. Dancing. Giggles. Happy babies and sick cuddling ones. Growth. Hot chocolate with just enough whip cream.  Though it seems I often let the hard things take away from these happy times. No host family.  Divorce. Rejection. Another divorce. Finances.  Stress.  Unforgiveness. Tears. Abandonment. Sickness. No sleep. Best Friends moving away. And that list could easily surpass the list of good things.  Because I am a pessimist.  But I noticed, I've grown. My pessimism (or lack of faith) has changed this year, become more positive. Slowly, but it's there.  I believe. I know the plans He has for me. Well, I have faith that He has plans for me.  And He looks at me with those adoring eyes as I begin to fully let Him in. As I begin to let Him truly form me to His expectations.  Though I falter, I know everyone does, and I know that He sees me trying.  So as I stumble, He picks me up, and says He is proud of me.  Maybe I've stepped away, but I always come back.  I speak His Word with Love and Care, He speaks through me. And if He trusts me enough to do that, then I can have the faith to do as He asks.  So in this year, as I look back at my hardships with my family falling apart, spending my first Christmas without either one of my parents, wishing things were stable and working, I cry in hope that my family will some day come to know the Lord.  Know I don't judge who they are. I accept them, I just cannot portray it. In this I am weak. But know that God is working in me to grow and change and love no matter what.  I look back at the struggles that I have endured in this year alone, and I find hope and freedom that I am still standing.  I am still standing in Him. And after this year, a year I will never forget, I will know, I can feel that He has had me wrapped in His Arms the whole time. All I have to do is hold on.